Thursday, December 27, 2007


ahh, my head hurts.

10:13:00 PM

Friday, December 21, 2007

I have major rage problems. When I get really frustrated or angry I react and usually end up hurting myself or breaking something around me. I never act this way when someone else is around - and it is usually just a brute explosion then I curse myself for reacting. I need some way to not break things when I get angry.

09:56:00 PM

I love my life right now. It's the perfect combination of boys, drugs, friends, hard work, family, and freedom. This might be the happiest I've ever been.

08:44:00 PM

Thursday, December 20, 2007

ohh this is so boring...I hate finals week.

I suppose I should go study for chem, no?

11:50:00 AM

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I wont get into the college I want (duke) only because of my SAT scores.

fuck standardized tests.

11:00:00 PM

My friends are all afraid that thier other friends don't love them.

9:10:00 PM

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Is medication the right thing?

05:19:00 PM

first-child syndrome. anyone else?

12:45:00 PM

Thursday, December 13, 2007

anyone know how bad my grades would have to get for me to get deferred from college? how much can i slack?

08:07:00 PM

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

if i havent taught myself how to manage my time in I gonna be screwed for college?

11:59:00 PM

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

It's so nice to know that he likes me back. I hate wasted flirting and I love endless kisses.

06:53:00 PM

Monday, December 10, 2007

I write and rewrite secrets here but never post them because so many of my friends can recognize them.

03:04:00 PM

Sunday, December 09, 2007

would you give your father a second chance?

a father who hit you and your mom when you were little. an alcoholic, who had an affair and left another woman pregnant. who divorced your mom and when you stayed at his house when you were little...left for two days leaving you all by yourself.

he wants a second chance now.

09:19:00 PM

Saturday, December 08, 2007

best night of my life

12:23:00 PM

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Do boys have hormones that make them more sensitive, etc? Not like a menstral cycle, but some sort of emotional hormone?

03:33:00 PM

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

a boy sent me an anonymous facebook message saying how I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him and he was too scared to tell me to my face how he felt about me.

12:21:00 AM

Monday, December 03, 2007

I wanna cut ties with everyone I know and start over as someone better with people who don't have a memory record of all the stupid shit I've done.

08:28:00 AM

Saturday, December 01, 2007

What would people think of a girl who plays football?

02:54:00 PM

Friday, November 30, 2007




11:54:00 PM

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I was in a bad mood and arguing about little things (but not in an angry way.. I just do that when i'm tired and unhappy). He stopped talking to me because he argued with his parents last night and didn't want to deal with anymore drama. He didn't feel like dealing with me... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

07:31:00 PM

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Andis Simsons.

08:17:00 PM

I downloaded a calvin and hobbes gadget on the new vista side bar and i read a comic stip whenever i get too stressed.

laughter is always the best medicine.

11/27/2007 12:11:00 AM

I need to spend more time thinking about school, and a hell of a lot less time thinking about boys.

It's ridiculous.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I'm really sick of nanotechnology.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

What I'm most afraid of is that I'll ask you out and you'll say yes because you don't have anything better to do.

01:23:00 AM

Saturday, November 24, 2007

I definitely put myself out there last night and, surprise surprise, there wasn't much on the other end. It actually WAS kind of surprising because I thought he liked me too. This is just one in a string of almost-something heartaches. I'm not bitter (well, yes I am, but it's not so bad, because I "learned" from it) but I just wish something would come my way.

All people can say is "at least you have the guts." Yes, yes I do. But it hasn't gotten me very far, has it?

02:54:00 PM

Thursday, November 22, 2007

For the past three years I have made a list of what I was thankful for each Thanksgiving.
I have not made my list yet today.
I have not found anything to be thankful for yet.

03:43:00 PM

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Shit, my life as I know it is full of mistakes.

09:26:00 AM

Monday, November 19, 2007

How do you dance with a guy at a dance? Besides slow dancing. I've had a date before and I still don't get it.

Clueless Girl
11:16:00 PM

I think he likes me back!!!!!!!!!!

06:02:00 PM

Sunday, November 18, 2007

It turns out that I'm ugly. Well that explains some stuff

12:13:00 AM

Thursday, November 15, 2007

even though I keep telling myself to stop waiting till the very last minute for anything, I always do.

my time management sucks. any ideas?

01:12:00 AM

the story of my life is boys not calling me back.

10:27:00 PM

Monday, November 12, 2007

la de da de da. I'm in love with a boy who has a girlfriend AND his best friend. dum dum dum.

11/12/2007 12:16:00 PM

facebook makes everything more complicated.

11/11/2007 05:50:00 PM

I called his phone just to hear his voice.

fuck I'm pathetic.

11/10/2007 06:44:00 PM

highschool is overrated.

11/09/2007 12:04:00 AM

I haven't got a secret to share but I'm curious about something. How many of you are legitimately happy?

11/08/2007 06:54:00 PM

Sunday, November 04, 2007

It's slightly ironic that on the day that its been one year since I last cut, I have welts on my arms from snapping a rubber band on myself...

02:57:00 PM

I'm really attracted to him and I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me. I want to have sex with him- how do I make it happen?

12:24:00 AM

I applied to college. the feeling isn't as liberating as I thought it would be.

10:56:00 PM

All I ever wanted was to be wanted.

10:27:00 PM

Thursday, November 01, 2007

I love my boyfriend, really. But he's unhappy so often (though mostly for valid reasons) that he really depresses me.

3:36:00 PM

to all you Jena Six Paraders, hold your horses, there's something to it, but not as much as you think

A local jena newspaper's in depth analysis with thorough investigation

12:48:00 PM

i should move on. i know that. i just have absolutely no feelings of wanting to do so.

11:37:00 AM

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

i went to enloe, and was surrounded by cheaters...

here in college, i'm still surrounded by cheaters

i hate it

09:58:00 PM

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

what do you do when you like someone but you are not physically attracted to them.

10/30/2007 07:41:00 PM

Guys, stop calling me a "WoWAddict." Yes, I play World of Warcraft. I also get my homework done on time, shower regularly, hang out with friends, and get better grades and more sex than you do. So don't call me a lifeless shut-in just because I like killing virtual trolls in my spare time. Thank you.

10/30/2007 07:39:00 PM

Monday, October 29, 2007

Well, most of my friends drink and smoke pot, and I kind of hate it. I mean, they understand why I don't, but all the same, they won't stop. There is some sort of line between being "chill", and being illegal, right?

10/29/2007 11:26:00 PM

Saturday, October 27, 2007

I had a dream recently where my brother tried to kill me by crushing me against the bottom of a swimming pool.
The thing is he's pulled me underwater and held me there before. He's stronger than me and I know he hates me for some reason. He calls me "fat" and "stupid" every day. Neither are true. But I know he could kill me with his anger that he has towards me.
Was it just a dream? Or was it a premonition...

04:49:00 PM


04:07:00 PM

just had the best sex of my life.

12:16:00 AM

Friday, October 26, 2007

How do I pick up chicks?

10/25/2007 11:05:00 PM

Thursday, October 25, 2007

"Mutual" decisions don't hurt any less.

Let A represent the length of time that comments stay on the "Share a Secret" post. Let B represent the community's interest in Tangst.

A and B are inversely proportional.

10/25/2007 05:16:00 PM

Tangst is dead.

10/25/2007 05:12:00 PM

Sis: I love you and I miss you and maybe someday soon I'll actually be able say to this to you personally.

10/23/2007 07:52:00 PM

I think Coyotiloke needs to get over himself.

10/20/2007 02:33:00 PM

My older brother told me i was adopted when i was 6. i didn't believe him. My mom died when i was 7. my dad died two months ago. I found out my brother was telling the truth a week ago.

I feel like if i go looking for my parents, it'll be like im replacing my "parents". But if i don't then Im right back where i started.... an orphan....

what do i do...

10/20/2007 01:58:00 PM

Saturday, October 20, 2007

"Mr. Escamilla will be the guest on the FOXNews Hannity & Colmes program on Monday, October 22 at 9:00 PM EST. "

11:23:00 PM

He was stupid. He's always been stupid. He's always been a jerk who gets away with a smile and some smart words. He deserves exactly what he got. Why are you defending him when he wouldn't do the same for you?

05:17:00 PM

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Get me out of actors ensemble!!!!!

10/18/2007 07:23:00 PM

he is a sex god. but he's also a soph. which kinda makes me gag.

10/18/2007 07:23:00 PM

i really want him, and i feel so stupid, cause it's just like he's not going to like me cause he never likes anyways, and he's so shy. man.

10/18/2007 07:16:00 PM

I hate that even though I have things that need to be done, I don't want to do them at all. It's like all of my motivation has died and I don't know why.

01:53:00 AM

Wow, I really haven't figured this out yet at all. I hung out with you in a group of mutual friends recently after not talking in months. We barely know each other. All of a sudden, you act very nice to me. And you pay a lot of attention to me. And you don't act that way towards other people. Which, on its own would make it obvious that you had a crush on me. Except that, one, I'm nearly positive you have a crush on someone else and, two, even though you're unusually nice and attentive, you act that way in a way that seems completely platonic. And I usually know whether a person has a crush on me as soon as I talk to them. Which begs the question of why anyone would be nice and pay a lot of attention to anyone else unless they wanted love or something else. I don't have anything that you want. I don't get it.

11:13:00 PM

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Why do I check Tangst at 6:30 in the morning?

06:39:00 AM

umm he said he couldn't go out with me because I wasn't a christian.

(and he knows I'm catholic)

07:25:00 PM

I take a ridiculously inconvenient route to one of my classes to avoid you. Maybe if you stopped hitting on me, asking me for hugs, and putting your unwanted arm around me I would get to class more than three seconds before the bell.

05:39:00 PM

Monday, October 15, 2007

There is a definite possibility that I am wrong, but I think that I might have ADHD, primarily inattentive type.

Does anyone know where to go for a diagnosis or for help?

01:46:00 AM

Have you ever realized just how awesome it feels to poop after you haven't for a few days? Jesus I feel so much happier now.

11:51:00 AM

I just can't make myself keep fighting anymore

08:46:00 PM

why must i crush on "him"?

you know. the detached intellectual type.

oh the tragedy.

11:04:00 PM

Friday, October 12, 2007

Dear Self,
Please stop thinking about suicide.
You scare me.
With concern,

07:12:00 PM


07:34:00 PM

Every time we get together, I feel a little slutty because he's not my boyfriend. I hate explaining to people that we're only friends.

06:46:00 AM

So I finally mustered the courage to tell him I liked him, and, well, turns out he doesn't like me. In fact, he's been avoiding me ever since I told him. I'm not sure we'll even be friends again? Wow, this sucks.

07:44:00 PM

Monday, October 08, 2007

My mom is cheating on my dad.

01:09:00 PM

Sunday, October 07, 2007

My friend and I were really drunk, and we made out alllll night. Hopefully it won't be awkward tomorrow.

03:53:00 AM

OH GOD NO! I've fallen in love with a girl who smokes, but I hate smoking people. I love the person I hate, I hate the person I love. What should I do, I already stole her cigarettes and forced her into apopleptic cravings....IM HORRIBLE

03:22:00 AM

I've found my soul mate <333
Too bad he doesn't know I think that about him.

05:32:00 PM

Still not blocked from school computers! Go Tangst!

07:59:00 AM

why does it seem like there's never enough time?!

08:28:00 PM

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

A guy cheated off me in an exam last night. And *my* grade suffered for it.

Oh well, that's life.

12:02:00 PM

Please someone, ask me to homecoming. It would make my weeks, hell, my year. Boys out there, suck it up and ask her, any girl who's good enough for you will say yes.

11:28:00 PM

Everyone I've talked to thinks you're an annoying bitch. Seriously, everyone. You're a slut and an attention whore who doesn't know when to stop talking about herself. Why don't you grow up and notice that other people actually exist?

05:50:00 PM

Sunday, September 30, 2007

my homecomming is this comming weekend.
i've never been to a dance that my school has held.
well except the one in third grade where me and my friends ditched to go swing on the playground 'cause the place it was held smelled bad.

i'm nervous.

We're all off having a fantastic time at college, and you guys are still here posting high schooler's problems on a webpage? grow up!

9/29/2007 05:03:00 PM

You don't know what it's like when nothing feels alright. You don't know what it's like to be like me.

9/29/2007 12:44:00 PM

Friday, September 28, 2007


06:18:00 AM

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I just want A LIFE. That's it! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. True as hell.

11:33:00 PM

Mmm I haven't dated someone in two years. Am I still hung up?

Being at NCSSM has really killed my love life.

10:59:00 PM

i'm a senior.

should i start a relationship with someone right now? (I really really really like them)

10:55:00 PM

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I hate pot. I think it's stupid, and I think anyone who uses it is stupid too. But I can't express that opinion, because as a Democrat student at a liberal arts college, it's about the most non-politically correct thing I could say. It's very frustrating.

10:07:00 PM

Damn. I couldn't get up the nerve to tell her, and what happens? She starts dating someone. Just like what I was worried about. And I have nobody to blame but myself because I'm such a coward. Maybe this is a sign to move on.

First time I felt genuine attraction to someone that strongly, too. Damn, this sucks.

09:36:00 PM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

What do you do when you get lonely?

11:18:00 PM

Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm an asshole and I love it love it love it.

10:56:00 PM

Sunday, September 23, 2007

to all enloe graduates:

does the workload get any easier in first quarter? I know i didnt take the easiest classes but this is ridiculous. I'm trying to apply to college, do scholarships and school keeps getting in the way!! AHH!!

02:12:00 PM

Do you know what I do at college? I get absolutely *loaded* and I love it.

03:26:00 AM

He held my hands while we danced and I felt safe.

07:56:00 PM

Friday, September 21, 2007

I miss seeing my sister every day. It's lonely at home without her. I find myself crying when I think about her because I miss her so much, but I can't bring myself to talk to her through any means because I feel too awkward and that I could burst into tears at any moment.

It's only the fifth week. What will it be like in the years to come?

09:46:00 PM

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Holy shit.

I just learned that Tangst is older than LJSecret.

Go mods.

01:34:00 AM

he said the sweetest thing to me today.

06:13:00 PM

I just found out that a good number of people cheated on a test today. The people I heard saying it were glorifying it, saying "I wish I had cheated as well."

I am so angry right now. Normally, I would probably just let it blow over, but I am seriously considering emailing the professor.

Only problem is, I have no real evidence. No names, nothing. Just hearsay.

05:57:00 PM

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

i sort of almost kind of asked this guy to see greece with me this weekend. in an awkward and well awful fashion. its the first time i've ever made the first move of any sort. and it is slightly scary. i dont know anything about him. or he me. but i did anyway. and i know he didn't take it romanticly but i did... it was intresting.

06:17:00 PM

I liked this guy on and off since 7th grade and now he's starting to show a lot of interest in me. Quite honestly, I don't think I ever stopped liking him... I just never saw him, so I forgot it, for a while. Now he's kind of back in my life. And I hope things go somewhere this time. Wish me luck!

05:14:00 PM

Saturday, September 15, 2007

There's a fine line between being funny and being awkward, and I usually end up on the awkward side.

9/15/2007 08:41:00 PM

So the homecoming game got canceled...

9/15/2007 07:57:00 AM

Aaah. Stress stress stress.

I'm extremely nervous about an in-class essay test for APUSH tomorrow. It's been a tiring week for me in particular, and I've always had a bit of an issue with timed writings. (I'm always the last person in the class to finish a test or an essay and I often end up scrambling to finish after the bell has rung to mark the end of the period.)


At least writing about it helps. A little.

9/13/2007 10:58:00 PM

I can't bring myself to talk to him. How stupid. Seriously. What's the big deal?

9/12/2007 09:10:00 PM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Poll: would page eighty-seven of your autobiography be before or after high school graduation?

11:37:00 PM

ummm senior year right now is harder than junior year.

what the hell?

10:40:00 PM

Right after I went off for lunch with you we finished Hitchcock's "Notorious" in class. When T.R. Devlin crooned "I couldn't see straight or think straight. I was a fat-headed guy, full of pain." It hit me HARD how much I want to kiss you. Every time I even think about it I have to stop what I'm doing to concentrate, then a lump arrives in my stomach from longing. Oh Oh.

03:24:00 PM

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

It's very odd not seeing her everyday. Her presence is very comforting even if I don't talk to her. Phone calls and email just can't replace that feeling.

9/10/2007 11:20:00 PM

I'm a little worried about pregnancy just from genital contact, but it just so happens I'll be starting the pill this week. How will I know if I'm pregnant since I'll be on the pill?

9/10/2007 11:07:00 AM

Monday, September 10, 2007

College is fucking amazing.

A word to the wise my pretties, take AP Chem your senior year. Much more useful in college than Physics.

Sigh... This is the first time I've been on here in about a year.

You poor things.

I'm off to go to parties, join "real" clubs, hit hookah bars, not have parents, go to class at 12:30, live in a place more aesthetic than your local park, and forge the rest of my life in a place offering the most opportunities one will ever find in one place.

Sigh. High School is a joke.

11:31:00 PM

So... I think I gave my boyfriend a handjob yesterday. Maybe. It was my first time and I don't know if I was actually any good.

09:25:00 PM

Sunday, September 09, 2007

I wonder how a person ever ends up both in love with a person and being loved by that same person. It seems like the odds of something like that happening are terrible.

01:44:00 PM

We both look at midnight trees the same way. I'm lost.

03:50:00 AM

Saturday, September 08, 2007

leave your past emotions behind,
all of that emotional damage behind.

i don't want to listen to you anymore.

11:35:00 PM

his roommate totally walked in on us. OUCH.

09:01:45 PM

I hate college. I don't know how to meet does everyone else manage to meet people? Where?

08:01:00 PM

I hate hate hate being sick.

05:53:00 PM

I'm farsighted.

I'll probably have to get glasses. Damn.

01:42:00 PM

Lunatic love thought without thinking and through

I ask you not to leave for thousands of reasons, for example for me, I am a reason, I might even be the reason, but there are thousands more, without counting me I can name countless reasons, like for example us, because that reason is twice as important as me, that reason is two, but not any two, it is us two, you and I, us as always, the ones from the pictures, from the walk on the afternoons, from the kisses, from the discussions on the telephone about the thousands of reasons that exist for us to be together, form yesterday’s night, from today’s morning, but there are more reasons, lots more, like the cold space that’s left in the right side of my body, or the left one, either one is the same, they are still really cold, still there are more reasons, and there are so many that I don’t know which one goes next, I’m afraid I could go on forever, and if I never stop giving you reasons then I would never know if you’re staying or not, and that frightens me, I don0t want you to leave, because if you leave millions of dreams will become orphans, and if you have ever seen an orphan you’ll know that’s very sad, almost as sad as if you leave, but I hope you don’t, I need you for tons of things, like having someone I can give stupid nicknames without getting hit or starred coldly as a answer, or to enjoy lots of movies from which I’ll only remember a few scenes because I’ll be busy on the other ones, because those scenes I don’t remember are stuck in my mind, and they burn and burn when you’re not here, that means that if you leave they won’t stop burning, and will make way through my brain, and will make way through my chest, and there’ll be thousands of wounds, one for each reason I have for you to stay, so you’ll know what I say is true, someday you’ll hear about the poor bastard that walks with a thousand open wounds and that won’t stop muttering one name that only he can understand, and you’ll know it’d me, because only a person who knows how it feels to lose someone even if there’s thousands of reasons would understand, so I ask you not to leave, all your stuff is here, or at least what matters, what matters to me, except for you, there’s no you, but I know you’ll be here, because there’s a thousand reasons for you to come, and those reasons will pick you up in a horse wherever you are and bring you to me, so will be together and it’ll be as if you never left, because if there’s something easier than leaving it is staying, it requires of less than half the work, specially when there’s a thousand reasons to do it, for example the knife you left, the blood must be dry by now, it was long ago, but I know you’ll be back, even if it is only to know what happened to the knife, or to me, they say that I’ll walk again soon, so I’ll soon go looking for you, because maybe you don’t come because you can’t, or they won’t let you, but if a can walk I can pick you up, and I’ll tell you not to worry, that I’m fine, that there’s nothing to forgive, that life can give us another chance, only if you don’t have another knife. I think I don’t like knives.

01:46:00 AM

There's a boy who is very nice. He likes me very much. We are interested in the same things, watch some of the same shows, read some of the same books, and have a similar view of the universe. He's everything that I ever wanted. He told me last night that he was glad he finally had someone to talk to about all this stuff. My mind/soul/spirit/whatever is screaming: this is the guy who embodies everything you think is good, morally and intelectually! If anyone could be "the one" it would be him.

Except I'm not attracted to him.

And then there's a boy, who is extremely cute. I have one class with him and I try to sit next to him whenever I can. I'm too shy to talk to him, even though I know he's single. Whenever I see him I think "damn, I want to have his babies!" For him my sexual intincts kick in and make me realize that human is animal.

The soul seeks perfection
The body seeks a fuck buddy

09:37:00 AM

Thursday, September 06, 2007

I just found this blog by hitting the "next blog" link (which is actually kind of a sad hobby) and thought maybe I could give it a try. I’m from Bogotá, the capital of Colombia for those who don’t know it. All that is just to give a little background of all this…
I’ve always waited for that girl. Don’t know her name, or her looks. Don’t know her age, or her eyes’ color. And actually don’t even care. Still I’ve just waited for her. Every night still I dream of her, in that foggy silhouette kind of dream, and even though at the morning I can’t even remember her voice, I still remember how she make’s me feel. I know that as soon as I meet her I will know that she’s the girl I’ve been waiting for so long… maybe I’m just a pathetic guy that hopes for something impossible… but if she doesn’t exist then life’s just not worth living it. That’s why she has to exist… there’s no other way… I'll just have to… wait.

01:27:00 AM

Hahahahahaha a frat just punked the hell out of me.

Damn, I feel like an idiot.

I want to cling to someone who will listen to all my foolish problems until I'm done and not think any less of me for them, but I'm too afraid to open up to anyone.

This seems to be a first step in some direction, though.

01:04:00 AM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Let's do this thing.

09:31:00 PM

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Hey, remember the girl who was excited about the guy adding her on facebook and none of you thought it was a big deal? Well, that's me (duh) and we're now friends again, on speaking terms and we talk every night we can on MSN. I was right, it was the new beginning with him I was waiting for. Maybe he's seen the light?

11:07:00 PM

you know how people say that you shouldn't like a guy just because he's cute, and not just because of his looks.

everyone likes to think that they do that, and they're not shallow. but we know that most people are that shallow.

i've always been one of those people, until i met him.

he's definitely not the attractive one, and if you just showed me in a random group, i would never think a second thought about him.

but we're in a class together. and we spent most of a day together. and he's one of the most charming, charismatic, and non-jerky guys i've ever met.

10:33:00 PM

umm everyone in my family dissaproves of my future major and the college I want to go to.

umm wtf.

09:22:00 PM

For a fraction of a second I almost thought maybe I had a hope of getting over her eventually.

As much as it hurts (and it does hurt, more and more by the day), I'm glad I was wrong.

I am so mixed up.

03:29:00 PM

I still love a stone. So unfortunate.

Plus -- How forward can we be with people of the opposite sex in college, and how quickly can we be that forward? Thank you.

its 1222am on a friday, with a 3day weekend ahead. i could be out with my friends all night having a good time.

instead, i sit at home bound by my culture and tradition.

i want to be free.


9/01/2007 03:24:00 AM

Junior year survival tips, anyone? It's the first week of school and I'm already dead.


8/31/2007 08:17:00 PM

Thursday, August 30, 2007

God, I hope this relationship can make it through college.

03:33:00 PM

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

i feel happy when i talk to him.
i feel happy when he talks to me.

10:06:00 PM

I'm so fucking angry about parking spaces. I mean, I understand if your parents say you can get a car if you get a space, but people who don't have lisences or even permits got spaces because they entered their names into the lottery. Ugh. Fuck you guys. Now I have to park with the Juniors who don't know how to parallel park worth horseshit.

06:36:00 PM

Monday, August 27, 2007

you know what? listening to the same fucking song over and over again still makes you feel like shit. i think it makes you feel shittier, actually.

11:43:00 PM


That is all.

03:19:00 PM

Saturday, August 25, 2007

To all the admins who have just recently begun their collegiate adventures: how are you guys liking it?

01:20:00 AM


08:35:00 PM

im so sad

07:21:00 PM

I have a crush on the boy that everyone has a crush on. Crapzilla.

11:25:00 AM

i cannot believe that i fell for that again. i am still in awe of what an idiot i am. a stupid, selfish, ignorant, idiot.

09:15:00 PM

we have to go to school,again.

why do i feel nervous?
i've been with these same people 
for two years now.

i just can't understand it.
it's not like i'm an outcast,
or anything close.

i've got my friends.


08:52:00 PM

Monday, August 20, 2007

i'm going back to school on wednesday, and the very thought of being around all those people that i used to care about makes me want to go jump off a bridge.

people don't change.... do they?

09:47:00 PM

I haven't gotten my license yet because I'm afraid that if I do I'll end up acting on impulse and killing myself via car crash. I don't think I've told more than one person this and she could care less at this point.

12:17:00 AM

Sunday, August 19, 2007

college sucks already. I haven't made new friends just left all my old ones behind.

05:27:00 PM

Sometimes I wish I was another race... anything but white. I think darker skin is just gorgeous, but besides that it seems like
American culture is not as rich or interesting as other countries.

10:42:00 PM

He likes me way more than I like him. How can I break his heart?

09:29:00 PM

Saturday, August 18, 2007

she doesn't even like him that much.
he deserves so much more.
like me.

08:24:00 PM

Friday, August 17, 2007

I hate having feelings for someone. I'm not kidding. It's paralyzing and annoying, especially when you don't get them.

05:55:00 PM

today was one of "thoes days" the kind you just wish would never, ever happen. not cause something bad happened. today was my first day in public school and i, yes actually i am, i am so encredably scared i could scream!!! i cant figure out how to open my locker, and i dont have time to go to it anyway, my binders for my classes take up a messanger bag and a backpack, and thats WITH OUT text books. speaking of text books i haven't really ever had them....and i dont know ANYONE who goes to school with me. really at all, i have one class with this girl i knew years and years ago, and my path crosses sometimes with people i've met... once or twice...

can ya tell i'm kinda flipping out?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

wow college is so soon. Summer was short. Im really nervous about this transition. That is all

01:31:00 PM

A week before I was supposed to go to college my college sent me a letter saying my acceptance was void because of a lower grade at the end of the year than I started with. In a hard class. With no time left to transfer or apply to another school, even community college.


I've had to go live with my sister. My mother wouldn't stop crying and I haven't spoken to my father since before the letter came.

I'm going to burn it to the ground.

05:10:00 PM
Mrs. Woolard is at RCHS.

12:34:00 PM

i've always been an outspoken opponent of long-distance relationships and even though i refuse to believe i am in a "relationship" this is so ridiculous. i haven't seen my "boyfriend" in over two months, haven't spoken to him for over a week, i am not even sure i like him anymore, and i don't know what to do. should i "break up"? it's not even a breakup, we haven't even done anything, not even seen each other. and he's going to college anyway... i just feel bad because i know he likes me a lot. but how can i change what i feel?
dammit, this year was supposed to be easy.

11:28:00 PM

Monday, August 13, 2007

I should be over her by now.

12:55:00 AM

i still have the same curiousity and interest for you.

and i don't know why?

12:20:00 AM

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I will almost never forgive myself for not choosing French over Spanish.

04:07:00 PM

Secret: I think 4chan eats souls.

11:02:00 AM

Friday, August 10, 2007

should I go to the party or stay at home?

07:54:00 PM

FOX cancels all the good shows

I'm sick of this reality tv crap and those shows that are totally unbelievable

09:33:00 PM

Your adding me as a friend(!!!!) on facebook just made my summer :D:D:D:D <3 Forever,
P.S. I'm so happy, I think I will burst. I hate the awkwardness and the not talking...maybe that's all over. AHHHHHHHHHH! *runs away grinning*

12:26:00 AM

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I'm going off to college in less than two weeks now, and I am terrified. I feel like my whole life is about to change, and I really have no idea what to do.

06:41:00 PM

okay, is there any way i could change my lunch? 4th lunch is so fucking stupid.

09:15:00 AM

Everyone knows.

05:21:00 AM

Im so fucking awkward sometimes, I don't know what it is I think if I sens that the person is on a higher social level than me then I just hide.

11:34:00 PM

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I feel incredibly angry all the time and I don't know why.

11:26:00 PM

It's been months and I still regret not kissing you that night.

10:37:00 PM

Monday, August 06, 2007

Friends with benefits is never ever supposed to work, with anyone, ever.
But it's working for us.
Really well.
This is better than dating.

06:13:00 PM

Sunday, August 05, 2007


05:46:00 PM

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I just lost my virginity to someone I told I was not a virgin.

Imagine his surprise.

I lost it knowingly, but unwillingly. I told him no, but I let him keep going.

It's not his fault I led him on.

Shit. Now I have to explain myself.

Please please please tell me this doesn't count. :[

11:56:00 PM

someone new... i like them. i think. maybe? maybe i just hate being single

08:04:00 PM

You're all I think about... you're in all my dreams... I can't get over you. I miss you, ex.

01:34:00 PM

Last night sucked. Im not going to smoke again for a long time. I don't like the loss of freedom.

07:44:00 PM

Thursday, August 02, 2007

The only things I really miss when I leave town for two weeks are my cats and the internets.

11:06:00 PM

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Thatonegirl needs to learn how to admin efficiently. Apparently she can't delete the initial posts after moving them to the main page. Get with the program, sister!

02:53:00 PM

i can't get up in the morning and i can't fall asleep at night.

10:50:00 PM

well fuck

09:48:00 PM

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Why is it that I talk to everyone about my issues except the ones involved?

7/31/2007 12:24:00 AM

i hate going into situations where you've already pissed off everyone there. like school, for example.

7/30/2007 11:07:00 PM

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I truly have some great friends, I realized that because I haven't seen them for a while and recently i saw them again. Soon I will leave for college , and I will not see them again , or at least for a while.

04:35:00 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I hope she got home okay....

02:13:00 PM

I hate you, God, why did you give me this big stupid fucking mouth? I've ruined everything now.

11:20:00 PM

Friday, July 27, 2007

Has anyone else realized that we have more admins than posts from nearly the last 2 weeks. Tangst has really died this summer. This message probably won't even go up for another 3 days or so.

7/27/2007 12:32:00 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

You don't want to hang out with me? Fine, I don't care. Just DON'T keep going "I'm soo excited to see you! We'll do this! And this!" and then not invite me. Make up your fucking mind.

7/26/2007 12:24:00 AM

He makes my heart break, sometimes.

7/26/2007 12:06:00 AM

I just wish I had the right words to make everything okay again

7/25/2007 10:17:00 PM

when do schedules come out?

7/24/2007 03:36:00 PM

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

is nigger a bad word? equivalent to fuck and shit?

Because I say it all the time.

12:53:00 AM

Sunday, July 22, 2007

The Prince's Tale > Sex

11:53:00 AM

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Im scared of going to college.

10:39:00 PM

Its odd how people overestimate the extent to which events in there own microcosm reach. In other words people think things important to them and their crowd are more universally important and known than they really are. 

I don't know if my wording made much sense to anyone else, oh well.

10:39:00 PM

oh today's not the day to talk.
today's the day to act.

now let's act.

10:29:00 PM

death, the dark cloud. one no silver lining is apparent for, death. the hurting sigh. the aching greaf.
death, the dark cloud with a golden lining. 
tomorrow the sun will still rize.
good bye.

09:01:00 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I know hope is only going to hurt me more, but I can't help thinking this will all end in that asshole from MTV showing up saying "You got punk'd!" and me noticing all the cameras. How can I make it through these next couple weeks when I don't even know how I'll make it to tomorrow?

1:26 AM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Caps Lock is cruise control for cool etc.

Just stop it guys, tangst doesn't understand. I mean, look at the Canada/bags post.

10:40:00 PM

I really want to just say "Fuck you your not my best friend any more" but then i realize that I'm not 8 years old granted an 8 year old would not say "fuck you".

11:28:00 PM

Monday, July 16, 2007

"Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry," said Hermione.

Harry Potter spoiler. I kid you not.

09:35:00 PM

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Spock: Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors, "double dumb-ass on you" and so forth.
Kirk: Oh, you mean the profanity?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well that's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word.

10:58:00 PM


my name is

its nice to meet you

AP tangst, anyone?

05:12:00 PM

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

With my wand, I shall penetrate your mind.

10:57:00 PM

i feel completely sexually inadequate.

06:54:00 AM

Monday, July 09, 2007

Dear tangst,
I've been neglecting you. I'm sorry.

05:57:00 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2007

One of my good friends seems to be trying to ditch me. Perhaps this is just my paranoia kicking in but it seems that they are ignoring all my attempts at contact. Perhaps they think they are too cool for me now, or maybe they just are lazy. I don't know.

11:31:00 PM

I've always been close with my mom. She's always shared her problems with me and I of course have confided in her too (even when I don't plan to). But now, with all this crap happening in my family, the time when we need each other the most, I can't be there for her. I've purposely detached myself in order not to get sucked in and completely stressed out. I'm scared of her problems. I'm scared of feeling what she's feeling. I don't really know what to do. I wish I could just run away and have it be better. But that wouldn't help her much, would it?

07:34:00 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2007


If you sent in an admin application and have not gotten a response, please send it again. The address is

I'm the older sibling. My younger sib is constantly talking about how restricted they feel. I honestly want them to follow their own path and interests, but they insist that I subconsciously force them into doing what I want. I WANT THEM TO DO WHAT THEY WANT. MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION PLEASE STOP BLAMING ME. Yes I acknowledge that I am influencial as the older sib, but I am here actively encouraging you to find out what you love. And what you love is not necessarily what I love, and vice versa.

08:54:00 PM

I wish I could have Queen Rania's life.

08:42:00 PM


You say that all Bennett and I talk about is quotes from websites and you don't see how we can't carry on that relationship over the phone? FUCK YOU. You say that it's not really communicating at all to talk to my boyfriend on IM and I'm silly to get upset over news from him that comes over the internet? FUCK YOU. You've trivialized my relationship with my brother, you've trivialized my relationship with my lover, FUCK YOU. You don't know shit about Bennett and me and you never will. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU!

Friday, July 06, 2007

In Canada, milk comes in bags.

04:31:00 PM

To add to the list of shit I seriously regret but will probably laugh about later:

So apparently last night, the final night of our cruise, I decided to get really fucking drunk with the cutest boy on the boat. I remember being super excited about it. I remember the rum. I remember chugging it just to impress him, and I remember it worked. I remember talking to him and being so entranced by him. I somewhat remember crying ALLLEXXXXXXX alleexxxxx aaaaaaaaaallex while on the floor as he walked away.

Wake up this morning in my bed, found out I passed out on the promenade deck sprawled face down on the floor, someone found me, security called my mom.

Hah. What a way to have my first blackout from alcohol, security in my face and a scared mother.

He LEFT me there.
I think I will add him on facebook.

04:28:00 PM

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Agh!! I wish she would just have her period already so we can stop worrying about it. There's no way she's pregnant (no penetration, no direct genital contact), it's just sort of a mental thing.

06:45:00 AM

Do you ever feel like not wanting to go out with friends, and instead just relax (more like hang around doing nothing) at home? Or is something wrong with me.

02:01:00 AM

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

can one become an admin if living in the "thewallshaveeyes" zone of coverage?

and not in north carolina or where ever ya'all live

08:40:00 PM

when can we check ap scores online?

04:04:00 PM

He told me that he liked me, that he'd "fallen for me" but not in the cheesy cliche way, I could tell that he meant it because he almost never says anything that personal.
He is possibly the greatest guy in the world, but I don't know if I like him back.

08:35:00 AM

how do you define flirting?

10:11:00 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2007

if no one is going to post that spanish or whatever post...just delete it, it's starting to be annoying

01:40:00 AM

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Hey mods, get your heads out of your asses and either get to work or appoint other people. I'd gladly be an admin if you need one and i'm sure other people would too.

09:46:00 PM

I haven't worn underwear for two weeks and I love it!

11:24:00 AM


01:55:00 AM

i can't handle how dysfunctional my family is. i cannot take this for another two months. not to mention the fact that my friends--the people i consider the closest to me, closer than any family--are also starting to fall apart.


01:24:00 AM

Thursday, June 28, 2007

I'm tired of being wrong all the time... mom, that's why we don't talk in this family. We're all tired and afraid of being wrong.

Silence can't be wrong.

11:46:00 PM

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I just get so sad sometimes.

11:23:00 PM

Sunday, June 24, 2007

so basically i'm trying to handle my new-found addiction to celebrity gossip. is it real? is it fake? it's exciting. screw you.

yeah, it's basically all i talk about these days and i really feel like i'm starting to get annoying. but it's really hard to resist when you see something funny or really surreal.

the spice girls might be getting back together?!?!?! what?!?!?!?!


12:38:00 AM

Friday, June 22, 2007

I hate her so much that now I'm having dreams about hating her. This sucks. God, I wish I could just shoot her in the face with a shotgun full of napalm and get it over with! Thank goodness that the politicians she didn't vote for advocate gun control. Otherwise, that whore'd be dead.

09:21:00 PM

gonna go to a party and gonna get real drunk. need a lie to tell my mom so i dont have to drive home drunk. I need to figure out why i need to stay overnight.

05:58:00 PM

Thursday, June 21, 2007

So are SAT II tests supposed to be a lot easier than the regular SAT? I just found out I did a lot better on them.

11:42:00 AM

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

oh it's summer.

oh it's been a while since i've kissed a boy. man i miss it.

05:04:00 PM

Monday, June 18, 2007

Yesterday, my companion to the foreign nation of Japan, his uncle, his uncle's fiance, and I were walking through the harajuku district of Tokyo up towards the Meiji Shrine when I saw a Japanese kid holding a "free hugs" sign. After humoring him he asked me, albeit in broken english rather hard to understand, if I would like to join him in his cause, but let's be real, I'm in Japan, I'm trying to take it all in, I only have two weeks, and the rest of my party is waiting for me, I don't have time.

On the long walk up to the shrine, however, this logic began to bother me. Why shouldn't this be a part of my experience in Japan? Why is anything else more important than this? On the way back down I got my friend to speed ahead of the two others with us back down to where the free hugs people were. We stood there for about an hour giving out hugs and talking to the people around us.

It was beautiful.

I've cried more in the past week than I did all last year. That's not because I didn't cry last year. And I wish I could be just the slightest bit ironic and admit that I've been crying for no reason, but I haven't. I've had so many reasons to cry lately. I'm so tired of it.

01:29:00 AM

FUCK HIM. He didn't have to lie. and he did. Over and over again. I hate him for leading me to believe he was different. He's not different. He's an ass.

12:18:00 AM

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I'm so excited to see you and hang out...but you're going to see me in a swimsuit...:\

10:08:00 PM

I don't know who I'm in love with anymore. Which makes me wonder if this is desperation and loneliness rather than non-platonic feelings at work. I'm so confused.

02:52:00 AM

Saturday, June 16, 2007

I've forgotten how to cry

06:36:00 PM

Friday, June 15, 2007

I'm being consumed by this stupid website (not tangst) and I can't stop it. It's not the porn, definitely not the porn, I don't really care all that much about the porn but it's more the fact that I'm a part of this living, breathing entity that is the festering spawn of the intarwebs. I understand the meaning of An Hero and Do a barrel roll and slowpoke and Anonymous and Grinman. I spent four hours on the website without even noticing time going by. My sense of humor is narrowing to almost specifically what is posted on /b/ and I feel this sense of importance and superiority.

Fuck yeah seaking.
Fuck yeah 4chan.

I hate myself.

05:19:00 PM

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Recently, I've started taking care of myself more: making myself a hearty breakfast instead of giving up and eating cereal; spending some of my own money to actually buy things that i like and enjoy; making time for myself; realizing that i can be beautiful. You know what? I really like it. I like myself. Not in a weird narcissitic way, but in a "I'm comfortable with myself/I'm growing up" kind of way.
I feel good.

01:14:00 PM

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I want to be able to go through my teenage years without being consumed with the opposite sex. Or maybe that's just not possible. Or maybe it is.

10:06:00 PM

I don't like life.

02:05:00 AM

I should have told you the truth when you asked. Now it's definitely too late for that and I'm terribly sorry for it all. Maybe if I admitted I was in love with you, you wouldn't have gone back to her. Maybe you wouldn't be miserable now. And maybe I wouldn't hate her as much for treating you so badly. I'm sorry for my weakness.

But I'm even more sorry that we are too much alike for anything to have worked anyways.

Besides, we both need friends more than significant others right now anyways.

02:01:00 AM

Monday, June 11, 2007

How likely is a girl to get pregnant without actual penetration of any kind?

Like the worst that might have happened would be slight contact between the semen and the outside of the vagina.

I understand that it is virtually impossible, I just want to hear someone else say it.

07:08:00 PM

I want so badly to be aggressive, punch someone in the face, maybe kill someone, at the very least tell people in no uncertain terms exactly what I think of them. But not all of us can be Lady Macbeth. I'm stuck as a whiny, indecisive Hamlet.

06:46:00 PM

i think i would give anything to shag the brains out of Matt Damon, Leo DiCaprio, Edward Norton, or Brad Pitt .

01:08:00 AM

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Summer senior interviews. Should I go for it? Will it cause me more stress than it's really worth? What do I have to do to prepare?

09:22:00 PM

I want to fight with you more, just so we can make up again.
This is lovely.

09:12:00 PM

Friday, June 08, 2007

how much does birth control cost? the pill, that is...

04:30:00 PM

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I think he's about to break up with me. I don't know what I did, though.

07:08:00 PM

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I've lost my confidence in my ability to be sexy for you. I don't know if I can ever get it back, knowing I'm nowhere as good as your lightning strike lust affair was... how can I ever compare to all the other people who've fucked you before? And I know there's so much more to our relationship than the sex, but still. I want you to want my body, not just accept it as an okay consolation prize that comes with my love. But without confidence, I can't be sexy.

09:59:00 PM

I'm getting sick of the seniors thinking they're better than everyone else just because they're done with high school. In all of my classes, when my junior friends and I would get excited about being seniors next year some senior bastard would come along and say "Oh yeah we'll we're going to college, suck it bitch you have one more year ha ha". Look, I realize you're excited. Good for you. We're excited too and being rude about it just makes you look like an asshole. I want somewhere to be excited about being a senior without someone reminding me that I'm not the one going to college. Have your graduation parties and have your college and have all the other shit you want, all I'm asking is that you stop peeing on our parade. If you feel you need to put us down and brag about yourself please just shut up and have your fiesta somewhere else.

07:50:00 PM

i think my first kiss might have been with a girl...?
i'm not gay, but it sure was interesting. i don't think i'm going to count it, though... hopefully i just won't be so bad when the real thing comes.

04:23:00 PM

Monday, June 04, 2007

school is done. and i dont know what to do with myself. I feel all giddy because i feel like i have something to do. but i dont. i have nothing to do. and its stressing me out.

I think school has ruined me psychologically.

08:45:00 PM

And with the end of Senior year...tangst has, as expected, died.


03:48:00 PM

Sunday, June 03, 2007

What I really want is not to do better but to have an excuse for not doing better.

10:16:00 PM

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I really like this article. It makes me feel much better about my own relationships:

06:19:00 PM

My foreign language teacher used to say "you don't air your dirty laundry in public." I ought to remember that more often. It only creates more problems to advertise your relationship troubles.

11:31:00 AM

Friday, June 01, 2007

I keep thinking about conversations I'll have with my friends at school when I see them again just like always. Then I realize that these conversations will never happen. Its really weird. I'm really gonna miss enloe, or at leasts it's people.

09:44:00 PM

With the last day of senior year...I've realized that I have to grow up. That includes saying goodbye to Tangst.

I can't post on here anymore.


05:28:00 PM

I've figured out how my emotions cycle:

Nov-Jan= sucky. I hate life.

Jan-March= better. life is good:)

March-April= sucky again. frusterated because I don't know why.

Then my birthday rolls around and life is great. And it stays that way until November...

12:03:00 AM

Thursday, May 31, 2007

i never understood how it was possible to like the same person for so long (after obtaining them). i never liked the guy as much after we started going out. something always went wrong. but with him it's different. i like my him more and more every day.

11:40:00 PM

I am terrified that number 39 was made for me.

07:26:00 PM

I am terrified that number 33 was made for me.

07:26:00 PM

Since everyone in my family left the house, I turned up technopop music really loudly on my computer, and danced madly around the house.

I highly suggest doing this.

Today boxbox smiled at me, possibly the last time I'll ever see him. It is sad, as I haven't any real excuse to contact him again, probably.

But he's a cool person. He's just one of the millions of things I'm going to miss about Enloe.

05:43:00 PM

For the first time I can remember, I really honestly, to the depth of my soul think it's all going to be alright.

05:41:00 PM

i have lost all of the motivation i used to have. i am going to fail at everything i try and do for the rest of my life. and i don't even care enough to be upset about it.

01:30:00 AM

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I came so close to comitting suicide today but I turned away at the last second I am a coward...

09:48:00 PM

I would like to think you really are just interested in knowing what music I listen to, like you implied. But I'm pretty sure you were just trying to steal my ipod.

09:06:00 PM

I've never been completely honest with anyone in my entire life. I can't think of a single person I've talked to and not lied to at least once.

08:26:00 PM

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I think we should start a discussion to create a list of break up rules, how, when and where to break up...

11:31:00 PM

I got to go to prom with the cutest guy in the school. But the whole night I couldn't stop looking at someone else. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

11:01:00 PM

Scotty doesn't know

09:59:00 PM

I'm sorry...

09:18:00 PM

I'm pregnant. My parents can't even look at me anymore.

08:07:00 PM

I masturbate to get myself ready for the real thing.

I don't want him to know I'm a virgin.

06:21:00 PM

who won the ptsa scholarship?

05:56:00 PM

This is utterly ridiculous. I want out.

11:16:00 AM

nice one

01:23:00 AM

Monday, May 28, 2007

I am a heterosexual female and I am scared of sex

10:47:00 PM

So I am 17 years old and I have never had a boyfriend at any point in my life, because, well, I can't get any And it's not for a lack of trying on my part. I mean, I don't think I'm unattractive at all and I am a good person, so I'm just wondering what the hell is wrong with me?

07:54:00 PM

Here it comes... THE FINAL STRETCH!

07:04:00 PM

cutting is an addiction

the withdrawl from it is horrible

06:29:00 PM

I'm stereotyping you right now.

12:00:00 PM

My 16 birthday was the longest that I've felt genuinely happy in two months. Thanks.

11:39:00 AM

I could have posted this as a comment in countless other posts, but I guess I just want it out in the open:

I know he's a dick, but just back the fuck off of Tinted; he's perfect example of the flavor and beauty that Tangst brings to the world.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

i stayed up late hoping you would im me.

you have no idea how happy it made me when you finally did.

11:40:00 PM

The new facebook applications are absolutely ridiculous.

10:15:00 AM

Saturday, May 26, 2007

my moms making a big deal about graduation, inviting all my relatives family friends and everyone I've ever met. I really wish she wouldn't and I've told her so but she just keeps planning. It is really quite bothersome. extended family really annoys me at least if I'm expected to make idle chitchat. So what are you people doing after graduation?

11:21:00 PM

Friday, May 25, 2007

I totally saw you drive by my house and slow down. Twice.

I thought only girls did drive-bys.
Silly silly.

03:01:00 PM

Guys, what's the most romantic thing a girl's ever done for you?

12:40:00 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I know that parent angst is so cliche and teenage typical but....


but even writing that on tangst doesn't make me any less pissed and fucking mad about what they've done.

10:30:00 PM

why is it that some days there is absolutely nothing going on and others I've got five things to do at once, but there are never any days that there is just one thing to do at a time.?

10:17:00 PM

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this;
"I just came to say goodbye.
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine."
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
"It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine."
But I know it's a lie.


The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on


I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.
The last night away from me,
Away from me.

The Last Night-Skillet

I think the "I" might be God.
I hope so...

07:01:00 PM

I hate having my hopes brought up and then dashed all to bits. I wish I could get some sort of sign out of you, but you are too hard to read. dangit

12:12:00 AM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


09:54:00 PM

I hate going to school and not doing anything like we are now.
Today I watched movies in my 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th period classes. :C

08:15:00 PM

i hate that the only thing about senior year i'd do over is prom

i'm about as awkward as the next person, but there was something about my date that just made me ridiculously awkward

i need to stop using that word

06:43:00 PM

How's this for change?

I like tinted. He is my favorite.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Hey, oh sevs.
Where's the senior prank?

11:31:00 PM

I feel like Enloe has gotten more typical. More people seem to be concerned with being cool rather than that carefree be yourself spirit it used to possess. Enloe was a one of a kind high school without as many clicks and social hierarchies that appears to be forming now.

10:51:00 PM

I have gotten to the point now that I consider any joke about death to be extremely bad taste and not at all funny.
I just had a very good friend of mine die, totally unexpected, and yes that factors into this, but that's not all.
For everyone else, the Virginia Tech Massacre, the countless third world deaths, how can you say "i want to kill my English teacher" or "blah blah blah I have so much work, kill me now"
This also goes to suicides, cutters, etc. Life is always better than death. Always. And people aren't aware how much death can hurt everyone around them. If they are, and they do attempt suicide, they are sicker than just about any form of sick I can imagine.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, maybe I'm not. The point is: Life is always better than death. If only for the reason that you're alive. It's all you've got. It's all you've ever really got.

08:43:00 PM

So how did Capital Awards end up?

04:18:00 PM

i suggest that you remove tintedfraggipan or what ever the name actually is from this blog

he/she/it is rude, mean, and is destroying the spirit of this "safe" place to tell our secrets.

03:17:00 PM

I cut myself for the attention.

02:54:00 PM

I am infatuated with my literature professor from this past semester. She is beautiful, talented and an amazing writer. More than that though...she saved my life. And I don't know how to tell her without scaring the hell out of her.

02:48:00 PM

Monday, May 21, 2007

"cutting" is stupid. people who "cut" are stupid. go get some real problems you fucking middle-class morons.

10:26:00 PM

today was not a good day.
this week, is not a good week.
just let me fucking walk.

08:22:00 PM

i want to lose my virginity to you.

07:55:00 PM

I can not deal with, or know how to deal with, people that are filled with self hate so much that it consumes them. I have run out of things to say or try. I have tried everything i can think of, I have evne mentioned it to authority that can do somethign about it. It has begun to annoy me (which i know is horrible, but i cant figure out what to do for them and im facing 100% resisitance at every step). what can i do? what should i do? nothing i say helps. nothing ive done helps. they refuse to get better on thier own, or with my help.

and it isnt like they avoid it. it is all dumped on me, so it is obvious that they are seeking something (it might just be a vent) but...what to do?

10:33:00 PM

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I'd like to see a therapist but I worry that my parents would be annoyed at me or disappointed that I couldn't deal with my own problems.

So instead I am thinking I will just try to get through college and get a decent job so I can pay for my own therapist. Only, if I can make it that far without offing myself or dropping out I probably won't need one as much.

06:46:00 PM

The people here are so judgemental that I don't want to tell my secrets anymore.

06:40:00 PM

The 10th secret down on PostSecret is my secret. Violence.

04:30:00 PM


Has anyone else heard rumors of Ms. Anderson leaving next year? Or changing the classes she teaches or something?

I'm starting to wonder about teachers for senior year...

02:02:00 PM a good day...because I've gone 6 months without cutting:)

12:33:00 AM

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Oh, Crap... I think I have a crush on V, probable valedictorian '08.

But I know it'll never work out.

(is this weird?)

09:40:00 PM

My parents are perfectly capable of paying for the entirety of my colege with no loans.

My parents have decided they are not paying for my college. At all.

They did it because I started skipping the class that gave me panic attacks.

When I was younger father told me I was faking them, even as I tried to explain why he frightened me so. He ignored me and it was "for my own good."

Now as he denies me this, possibly the most important thing I've ever needed in my whole life, I feel like nothing they've ever done for me in life could've possibly been "for my own good."

This will set me behind years financially, this has set me back a lifetime emotionally... As my mother cries and tells me what a dissappointing daughter I am, and how much they loved me when I was younger before I ruined it all...

I wasn't the one "faking it."

02:57:00 PM

Friday, May 18, 2007

everyone around me is hooking up and i am always the socially awkward person who never knows what to do (but i'm happy and friendly with everyone). ahhh i'm getting sick of it. either i can leave this place (soon) or hook up with someone myself (can't happened soon enough).

11:55:00 PM

Is there any way I could not fail spanish 4 in the 2 weeks left of school? I've actually managed to get low D's all year but that has turned for the worse this semester.

09:53:00 PM

Thursday, May 17, 2007

How do you de-awkwardtize your relationship with someone? It was at one point, very good.

11:14:00 PM

god I cant believe high school is almost over I'm so used to going to school. Its going to be so strange.

04:36:00 PM

freshman year ending soon.

he's right there, but i'm too reluctant. we've got 3 more years right?

oh best friend. sorry we haven't talked, but its neither of our faults. you've got a boy, and well i don't have boy to counter. we'll talk soon, i guarantee it.

12:11:00 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I hate her.

::play 'girlfriend by avril lavigne here::

11:55:00 PM

is it really possible to get over your first, real, serious crush??

I've dated other guys. even liked other guys. but whenever I see this guy when he comes back from college or I see him randomly on facebook...its like I never forgot about him in the first place.

why the hell is he so perfect?

11:51:00 PM

Sooo cloooooooooooooooooose.
Summer is soooo cloooooose.

08:31:00 PM

I sent in all my housing forms (for UNC) about a month ago, but found out today that my dad never mailed the deposit check. Does anyone know if that's going to matter for preference?


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

why are people so messed up?
I know so many people who have so much darkness and sadness inside and it makes me want to scream, WHY CANT YOU GET BETTER? I NEED YOU TO BE OK! PLEASE! but I know I can't just make them better and that it's something they have to do for themselves and that is one of the hardest feelings I have known.

everytime I see your cuts and burn marks I cry. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF? PLEASE GET BETTER! I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH!!

08:45:00 PM

I quite literally failed my AP exam. I'm positive I have a 1, or maybe a 2 if I'm lucky. Should I cancel my score?

07:33:00 PM

i liked him in seventh grade and he turned me down after i wrote him a note asking him to the sadie hawkins dance. we didn't talk for two years and it was really awkward. then we got to high school and it was okay for the most part. i've always kind of been into him, he's exactly what i'm looking for in a guy and he's just so damn nice. we don't hang out with the same crowd but every time we talk it feels like there's a spark... or i could just be making this up.

dammit! i don't even know if i like him! i don't know what to do.

06:49:00 PM

Soo, we look at eachother a lot. And I mean after every single sentence of a conversation.
Does this mean anything, or does it mean nothing more than the both of us have eyes?

06:35:00 PM

I love being in your arms. just thinking about it makes me ache with longing.

I could have sat there all day, screw the consequences, with your arms around me. I love being close to you, just holding your hand.

and yes, I realise this makes me sound like a hopeless romantic.

06:25:00 PM

Gwen Stefani concert. Ballin.

12:19:00 AM

Monday, May 14, 2007

quando quando quando quando

11:16:00 PM

Is it silly to dream that once I get to college, I will magically find the perfect guy?

10:21:00 PM

I am sooooo upset that Rory didn't accept Logan's proposal, even though I understand her reasons for refusing it. She is only 22, after all, and marriage is a big decision. ...and I'm really embarrassed to say this even to my mother, who's watched every Gilmore Girls episode with me since the series started. I'm ashamed to be so obsessed, and I can't wait for the last show tomorrow night-- Luken'Lorelai, here's hoping!

09:30:00 PM

I hate to ask this on here, but I'm starting to worry a bit...

How is the AP World History exam, for those who have taken it?

04:11:00 PM

Sunday, May 13, 2007

For all of you APES veterans,
I'm freaking out like wtfomg about the AP exam on tuesday. Is it really thaaaaaat hard or should I be relatively prepared if I studied my review book and had Mr. Ogren?
Remember, don't tell me anything about the multiple choice questions because you aren't allowed to talk about those EVARRRRRR.

05:26:00 PM

So...HPV vaccine. What do you guys think?

12:04:00 AM

Saturday, May 12, 2007

ugh i'm sick.
this sucks.
is there something going around?

this is on the verge of... plague.

please excuse me while i go barf on my AP test. They can still grade it, right?

03:34:00 PM

One week after your girlfriend broke up with you you start calling me to "hang out". It's been two years since I've even talked with you. That was when I liked you. You sort of crushed me back then, I'm not bitter anymore but I still remember how it feels. I'm not attracted to you in the least, I have my own boys to like.The one time I did agree to "hang out" with you made it awkward and kind of obvious that you just wanted to hook up.

Stop calling me plzthx. I'm over you and very proud of it.

12:49:00 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

We like each other. But we're awkward/shy and won't talk to each other anymore. And I'm scared of losing him. I'm an idiot for not being bolder. Just watch some him ask out some girl eventually. I seriously can't let myself regret this.

09:37:00 PM

I love the fact that on a 12.5 hour drive to the most southern tip of this country I will come across about 350,000 cars. And in each of these cars there are people with just as many memories of how their cousins tormented them during those ageold family reunions in the middle of nowhere. With fears of the future coming forward and the past coming back. With allergies to pollen, cats, and assholes. With some opinions of religions, where Humanity is going, and how great an impact we have. I love the fact that its not all background noise. And the grit of growing up is fully romanticized (and justly so!).

I love the fact that "love" itself isn’t entirely bullshit. Sure, I hate how the word has lost a lot of its glory from being thrown around all the time, but the fact that the concept hasnt been swallowed up entirely gives me a bit of hope. I really hate tossing that word around though...when you say it, you should know the weight it carries. And if you do mean it, and know the weight it carries, say it to who deserves it...too often people forget...

I love those iconic things that people have. One of my close friends wears a beanie almost as often as he wears skin. My sister will always have a guitar in her hand and a grin on her face. My arch-nemesis has a cigg on his ear, plaid shorts on his legs, and douchebag rolling off his tongue at any given nanosecond. I have this map of New York about 1.5 feet from my keyboard right now...because one of these days this scene will cave in and smoke me out from NC, and put me in a car or (if summer pays well) on a plane to JFK. Hopefully I'll go with someone I hardly know, like one of those people on a 12.5 hour road trip. Or someone from college I know only through that ridiculously distancing head nod of acknowledgement that guys are famous for committing. Or maybe even you, whoever the hell you are, and whatever the hell you stand for/against.

I love the brutally honest. The "spill your guts" people. Mind games are a bitch for both sexes. The extent of my detective skills stops at mastering "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" on my computer in 4th grade, I cant decipher what your cat-and-mouse games mean. Too much communication is caught in redtape and caution. Though I'm being hypocritical, because I do it a lot, I get tired of playing verbal diplomacy like it was a card game. It seems sometimes you're sacrificing trust for personal safety. And it seems that the older you get, and the more convoluted your problems become, the more valuable trust gets. So for those of you who speak your mind, congrats, my red, ace-of-spades wielding Fedora is off to you.

11:46:00 AM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

i made you a cookie.

but i eated it.

05:35:00 PM

I'm obsessed with picking scabs. Sometimes I even cut myself to make them, but not because I want to hurt myself, just to let them heal over and pick the scab it makes. I mostly do it on my chest, but whenever I'm with a boy and we get hot and heavy I always stop before he sticks his hands up my shirt. I'm not a prude, I just have this strange obsession.

I've always told myself that the day I get into a stable relationship I'm going to stop.

05:08:00 PM

every morning i wake up and say to my self, I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

and then I get out of bed and do the same things I did yesterday, and Tommorow I will do the same things I did today.

03:44:00 PM

all I want to do is touch you, kiss you, hold your hand, but we're always so shy around each other. I hope we can get over this.

09:56:00 AM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What makes you happy?

11:05:00 PM

Will you stop fucking claiming how you do no work whatsoever, don't study, etc...yet you still do so well. You even claim you are a failure, and this seems like it is under the guise of "I'm better than you". You use every opportunity you can to tell me how well you did and how you didn't study for it at all, when you knew I worked for it, but still did not do as good.

Why don't you consider the way i feel? You know I work my ass off and try my hardest, because I'd be failing if I didn't. And yet you still fucking gloat. Stop.

04:47:00 PM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I never really understood why everyone always said junior year was a bitch.
41 weeks later I finally realize what everyone was talking about.
Why the hell would he assign a DBQ worth three test grades that's due TWO DAYS before the AP exam?!

Fuck this shit, yo.

05:01:00 PM

Monday, May 07, 2007

to the tune of "So Long, Farewell"

so long, farewell
our wiener dog will bite
the fish has died
so flush him out of sight.

So long, farewell
our wiener dog will poo
he poos hes poos on you and you and you

so long, farewell, our weinerdog
made mudpie , he cries and cries and cries and cries goodbye.


10:19:00 PM

I finally decided: I will spend the next three months weaning myself away from him. No more talking unless he initiates it (the only exception is when I actually have things to talk about). No more emails. No more calls. No more favors. No more movies. No more late night talks until four in the morning.

He's leaving and there's nothing to stop it. I might as well prepare for this now.

Oh well. It's not like he's mine anyways.

07:53:00 PM

i'm so tired of being unattractive. i think a boy likes me and then i realize, wait, he wouldn't like you. i don't want to think that anymore.

it would help though if you asked me out sometime.

i mean, i can actually see if you're calling now since i can see the screen of my phone.

so really, there's no excuse except for that unattractiveness. but do you really see me the way i see me?

05:46:00 PM

AP Exams can kiss my ass

04:46:00 PM

whats the last day of school for enloe. Or at least the last day that seniors need to come?

04:21:00 PM

Sunday, May 06, 2007

FUCK AP exams.

10:47:00 PM

so what did you people think of spiderman 3?

10:32:00 PM

It is nine o' clock. I am not done writing the major-grade English paper due tomorrow. I am so screwed.

I wish I were a senior and didn't have to do this stuff.

10:08:00 PM

I am drunk as hell, and all I want to do is call you, but you wouldn't like that, we're a secret.

But fuck.

12:16:00 AM

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I watch your favorite TV show...not because I like it, but because it reminds me of you.

07:56:00 PM

Friday, May 04, 2007

whats a good book to read for a research paper? One thats good but still has a good amount of lit crit.

09:58:00 PM

oh i haven't been tangsty recently. sorry.

but i do have some angst to share.
i like a boy, and i haven't liked someone in so long, ever since, well you know. so i think i may have forgotten,

how do you get a guy?

02:44:00 PM

how do you become happy? or how do you cure depression?

12:54:00 AM

there are two potential guys that i could have a "thing" with, and i kinda/sorta have had a thing for them in the past. neither of them seems likely to make a move any time soon. i'm not even sure if they both like me.
the only problem is, i'm leaving for two months. should i even try to start something? i'm thinking it's not worth it, considering i'll be a continent away. but it'd sure be nice... =)

12:25:00 AM

Thursday, May 03, 2007

You are all
so jealous of me, but

I would give
anything if
I could make this happen
to someone else.

I'm just
not the person you
think I am

07:26:00 PM

I'm so so sorry,....but...I'm still curious as to what batteries your eyes take, what sound your dreams make, what stars your soul shapes, and if you'll stand beside or beyond me in this Brave New World.

....Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur...

03:55:00 AM

when will we have time to turn my heartbeat over again... hurry its about to stop beating.

01:48:00 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

This is really annoying and cliche, but I think I might want my best friend.

09:29:00 PM

I'm ready for some juicy Philosohpy Club tangst.
Bring it on.

09:18:00 PM

These past few days...feel like something from someone else's life. Things like this don't happen to me...

Even thinking about it, I get butterflies in my stomach.

Wish me luck?

08:26:00 PM

Fuck bitches.

06:47:00 PM

i should just... do it and get it over with.

04:05:00 PM

When we're alone you're different. You even asked me out on a date. Then when we're with friends you barely talk to me. What do you want?

12:06:00 AM

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Lately, I've been having a really hard time and wanting to get back into some old habits. So in attempt to purge thoughts from my system I'm going to do some self therapy and identify issues (I know it's being posted on here...but on here I kinda feel like I'm talking to someone...lame, I know).

Reasons I used to cut/feelings that make me want to again: Self punishment, lonliness, helplessness, hopelessness, attempt to escape emotional distress

Reasons I stopped/Reasons I won't (can't) start again:
1) Theatre- 5 shows per year...I'm always in my underwear around people...they'd notice
2) Fear of ruining my parents' perfect image of me
3) Trying to stay strong and be there for other friends...I'm the group therapist.
4)Vanity..don't want scars
5)Summer's coming...and I don't wanna have to hide it
6)If I start'll be 300 times harder to stop.

Reasons not to outweigh reasons that I want to, right? Let's just hope I can maintain this self control.

08:56:00 PM

I'm being used for sex.

08:07:00 PM

angst angst angstangstangstangstangstangstangs


07:23:00 PM

You know what? I had a really good day today and it's because of you. You you you you you.

06:57:00 PM

Monday, April 30, 2007

If it is like this for everyone I don't know how they can stand it.

I can't.

09:05:00 PM

I am a compulsive liar.

I lie all the everyone about everything. My parents, my friends, people that I love, strangers. I know it's my fault that no one really knows me, but it still sucks.

It scares me how easy it is.

06:54:00 PM

I love being high at school.

03:38:00 PM

things are going good.
let's hope this lasts a while.

11:56:00 AM

You made me so wet tonight that it soaked through my pants.

01:07:00 AM

Sunday, April 29, 2007

You have done more in the past three months to help me heal from my sexual assualt than I did for myself in the past three years.

You found me attractive, and approached me, which no one has done since that day, and you've let me go as slow as I needed even though you're much more experienced than I am.

I feel beautiful again. Not used goods, not a victim. Beautiful and a woman in my own right.

Thank you.

11:20:00 PM

My life is a cosine graph, with a period of six months.
Right now the derivative is zero and the second derivative is positive.
Not good.

09:26:00 PM

I am too tired. It's becomeing a problem.

07:50:00 PM

There is nothing I hate more than feeling helpless.

10:15:00 AM

Saturday, April 28, 2007

"What does it mean?"

"It means 'I dare you to love me.'"


This is the real conversation we have every single time we talk. This is what it feels like every time I talk to you.

09:19:00 PM

mind blowing sex anyone?

08:03:00 PM

Its sucks that I'm going to be leaving all my enloe friends behind next year. friends both new and old i will most likely not see after this year. Yes i could try to maintain contact but I feel that that probably will only work for a little while then they will be gone.

04:59:00 PM

I just got my hands on some vicodin. Holy shit i'm rich.

04:52:00 PM

I finally did it. I just deleted my entire porn collection off my hard drive.

10 gigabytes...all gone. I am so proud of myself.

12:02:00 PM

Friday, April 27, 2007

Last night I cut myself 5 times on my wrist and I never cut on my wrist always my arm or leg.

I have no one to talk to because I'm the one everyone spills to

11:59:00 PM

mostly i'm pretty modest about it, but i really am a good person. it's not even that i necessarily go out of my way to do things, but a lot of times i will. (like picking up trash from the ground, or that time i helped that poor soph kid puking into a garbage can to the nurse.) i'm not trying to gain anyone's approval (i don't think), but it's just part of who i am.

i think i like it the best.

12:17:00 AM

Thursday, April 26, 2007

damn it why do you keep looking at me like that and flirting with me and such are you interested or not. You seem so random yet oddly attractive to me.
-confused guy

10:31:00 PM

Looking back at old tangst posts...there are some I'm not sure if I wrote, or someone else did.

In a way, it's rather heartening...

It means the gaps between us all are necesarily all that insurmountable.

10:25:00 PM

So, I was searching through some old files on my computer, and I came across this. This was the beginnings of what was originally to be a chronicle of all that had happened on Tangst over its first few months. While I did originally start elaborating on these topics, I never did finish, and if I posted them, it would take up way too much space. So take a look, enjoy, and remember the good ol' days.

1. Tangst forms as an extension of Sithgirl's blog, The Idiosyncratic
2. The teacher posts
3. True Tangst
4. The Great Class Rank Debate
5. The Teacher Posts
6. The Maverick Poems
7. The Christmas Posts
8. Enloe Midterms
9. The Great Homosexuality Debate - With a Tangst Record of 82 Posts Before It Left the Main Page
10. The 300th Post
11. "I fucked my neighbor's dog" - Tangst growing pains, censorship debate
12. Tangst appears on Wikipedia, and is not long after deleted
13. The First of the Cutting/Addiction to Various Things Posts
14. The First Admin Crush Topics
15. The 500th Post
16. thewordofrashi gains Contributor Status. I had to...
17. The Honor Code
18. Prom Posts Begin/Valentine's Day
19. The First Real Cutting Topic (More follow in the coming weeks)
20. Preparations for TangstCon
21. The Uncertainty Period (What if I fail at life?)
22. TangstCon (perhaps merge with preparations?)
23. People Begin to Criticize the Actions of Admins and Contributors
24. Spring Break
25. Ailill_Angra_Mainyu Makes His Consecutive Posts, thus Annoying the Hell out of Tangsters for Weeks to Come
26. The Very First Admin Crush Post, Plus some OTPs (Many, many more to come)
27. April Fools - The Most Disgusting Background in the History of Mankind
28. The Rashi Posts Begin - Both criticizing and loving him
29. The 1000th Post and the Admin Responses
30. Prom
31. "I love _____" Posts Run Rampant

Last night something really bad happened to me.
I called you crying, and all I said was "Can you do me a favor?" you said "of course" and then I asked you to just talk for 10 or 20 minutes about anything. I could tell you were in your dorm with your friends. You might have been drunk, but you always hide it well. But you walked out of the room to where you could hear me. After about 20 minutes you asked me would I be OK and I said yes and then you asked if you were supposed to ask me about it. I hesitated and said no. Then you said "because I want to ask, you know that right?"
I hadn't known that. I said I really didn't want to talk about it, which was true. We hung up and I was able to go to sleep.

You have no idea how much I needed someone to distract me last night. The fact that you dropped what you were doing and talked to me means so much more than you know. And that fact that you wanted to ask what was wrong means the most. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I couldn't. I hope you don't worry.

Sometimes I get frusterated with you when you are too busy or too wasted to talk. I get angry when you are in town and I'm too busy to see you. But I have always known and now I know even more, that you are there for me more than anyone else when it counts. Thank you.

02:55:00 PM

i am trying so hard to like you... but i just don't.

02:01:00 PM

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

It will not get better. It will get worse and it will not get better. It will get worse because I am making it worse and it will not get better.

10:38:00 PM

Is it weird that my day doesn't seem complete until we talk?

10:14:00 PM

why the FUCK am I so stupid?

09:17:00 PM

Talking to you so often, I sometimes feel really guilty. I wonder if, had I not lied months ago, you would be happier, or at least less sad and stressed. That maybe your current and persistent misery is somehow my fault. If only I had admitted things, maybe you wouldn't have gone back to her, maybe you'd be able to be your own person again.

Maybe I wouldn't see the life being sucked out of you on a daily basis.

12:21:00 AM

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

some days
I feel like a
dried up carcass, weathered and worn
hardened like a human jerky stick

as my soul is

and I realize that what I want out of life
us not the same thing, that
life wants out of me
as this society swoops in like a flock of overbearing vultures
they pick me apart

To be.

I can’t.

a heavy sponge of chloroform over my nostrils
until my body functions
but there is nothing left within

10:03:00 PM

We're going to laugh together and be silly. It wil be relaxed and wonderful.

It's exactly what we need after we've put ourselves through so much empty angst over each other.

And it's just what I need. Slow and simple.

Thank goodness I said something.

And thank goodness he cares enough about me to do what I ask. Slow down.

This isn't even a sad post, for once, probably the first time it hasn't been.

I was courageous enough to say what needed to be said. Now I'm going to be happy for a while. If I get any negative comments or whatnot--know this.

I'm happy and I have little to no reason to care if you have something mean to say.

08:07:00 PM

I understand completely how you are feeling. You 'hate' me but I understand. Maybe you like him... I am just guessing. I understand what that is like. I really don't have anything against you. I don't know why you think I do. I didn't make an obscene gesture at you or call you any names. I am not that girl. I am sorry if you miss him and I am sorry if I took him off the market and out of your arms. But he did want you and you didn't want him back. So he moved on. Every time I see you coming I dodge in another direction but as my favorite adult said: "It's your school too" and he is mine too. He does really like me. I am so lucky for that and grateful and I am not looking to hurt him. I understand if you are protective. But things between him and I are good. We really have a good thing going. I think that as 'needy' as I am his desire to fix every problem is comforting. BUT I do agree with you... I have to solve my own problems. But you are missing the point. He wants me. He wants to be with me. So I am not using him for his support. We are supporting each other, feeding off each other. We care about each other. How long is this relationship going to last? Well I don't know but it sure isn't ending tomorrow. I don't understand why you are going to lose your friendship with him over me. But what I realize... is that this isn't about me. This is about him and how much you care for him. But think... if you really cared about him you'd let him be happy. I am sick of seeing him upset over you treating him horribly. I understand how hard it is ... I've been through this. I am a nice person ... get to know me before you hate me. Try to see what he sees. I am not trying to push you out of his life. In fact I want you there just as much as I want my former best friend in my life. Don't be silly. Please talk to him.

Please treasure these last two months and don’t spend them hating on someone whose company you enjoy.

04:25:00 PM