Thursday, May 31, 2007

i never understood how it was possible to like the same person for so long (after obtaining them). i never liked the guy as much after we started going out. something always went wrong. but with him it's different. i like my him more and more every day.

11:40:00 PM

I am terrified that number 39 was made for me.

07:26:00 PM

I am terrified that number 33 was made for me.

07:26:00 PM

Since everyone in my family left the house, I turned up technopop music really loudly on my computer, and danced madly around the house.

I highly suggest doing this.

Today boxbox smiled at me, possibly the last time I'll ever see him. It is sad, as I haven't any real excuse to contact him again, probably.

But he's a cool person. He's just one of the millions of things I'm going to miss about Enloe.

05:43:00 PM

For the first time I can remember, I really honestly, to the depth of my soul think it's all going to be alright.

05:41:00 PM

i have lost all of the motivation i used to have. i am going to fail at everything i try and do for the rest of my life. and i don't even care enough to be upset about it.

01:30:00 AM

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I came so close to comitting suicide today but I turned away at the last second I am a coward...

09:48:00 PM

I would like to think you really are just interested in knowing what music I listen to, like you implied. But I'm pretty sure you were just trying to steal my ipod.

09:06:00 PM

I've never been completely honest with anyone in my entire life. I can't think of a single person I've talked to and not lied to at least once.

08:26:00 PM

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I think we should start a discussion to create a list of break up rules, how, when and where to break up...

11:31:00 PM

I got to go to prom with the cutest guy in the school. But the whole night I couldn't stop looking at someone else. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

11:01:00 PM

Scotty doesn't know

09:59:00 PM

I'm sorry...

09:18:00 PM

I'm pregnant. My parents can't even look at me anymore.

08:07:00 PM

I masturbate to get myself ready for the real thing.

I don't want him to know I'm a virgin.

06:21:00 PM

who won the ptsa scholarship?

05:56:00 PM

This is utterly ridiculous. I want out.

11:16:00 AM

nice one

01:23:00 AM

Monday, May 28, 2007

I am a heterosexual female and I am scared of sex

10:47:00 PM

So I am 17 years old and I have never had a boyfriend at any point in my life, because, well, I can't get any And it's not for a lack of trying on my part. I mean, I don't think I'm unattractive at all and I am a good person, so I'm just wondering what the hell is wrong with me?

07:54:00 PM

Here it comes... THE FINAL STRETCH!

07:04:00 PM

cutting is an addiction

the withdrawl from it is horrible

06:29:00 PM

I'm stereotyping you right now.

12:00:00 PM

My 16 birthday was the longest that I've felt genuinely happy in two months. Thanks.

11:39:00 AM

I could have posted this as a comment in countless other posts, but I guess I just want it out in the open:

I know he's a dick, but just back the fuck off of Tinted; he's perfect example of the flavor and beauty that Tangst brings to the world.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

i stayed up late hoping you would im me.

you have no idea how happy it made me when you finally did.

11:40:00 PM

The new facebook applications are absolutely ridiculous.

10:15:00 AM

Saturday, May 26, 2007

my moms making a big deal about graduation, inviting all my relatives family friends and everyone I've ever met. I really wish she wouldn't and I've told her so but she just keeps planning. It is really quite bothersome. extended family really annoys me at least if I'm expected to make idle chitchat. So what are you people doing after graduation?

11:21:00 PM

Friday, May 25, 2007

I totally saw you drive by my house and slow down. Twice.

I thought only girls did drive-bys.
Silly silly.

03:01:00 PM

Guys, what's the most romantic thing a girl's ever done for you?

12:40:00 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I know that parent angst is so cliche and teenage typical but....


but even writing that on tangst doesn't make me any less pissed and fucking mad about what they've done.

10:30:00 PM

why is it that some days there is absolutely nothing going on and others I've got five things to do at once, but there are never any days that there is just one thing to do at a time.?

10:17:00 PM

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this;
"I just came to say goodbye.
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine."
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
"It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine."
But I know it's a lie.


The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on


I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.
The last night away from me,
Away from me.

The Last Night-Skillet

I think the "I" might be God.
I hope so...

07:01:00 PM

I hate having my hopes brought up and then dashed all to bits. I wish I could get some sort of sign out of you, but you are too hard to read. dangit

12:12:00 AM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


09:54:00 PM

I hate going to school and not doing anything like we are now.
Today I watched movies in my 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th period classes. :C

08:15:00 PM

i hate that the only thing about senior year i'd do over is prom

i'm about as awkward as the next person, but there was something about my date that just made me ridiculously awkward

i need to stop using that word

06:43:00 PM

How's this for change?

I like tinted. He is my favorite.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Hey, oh sevs.
Where's the senior prank?

11:31:00 PM

I feel like Enloe has gotten more typical. More people seem to be concerned with being cool rather than that carefree be yourself spirit it used to possess. Enloe was a one of a kind high school without as many clicks and social hierarchies that appears to be forming now.

10:51:00 PM

I have gotten to the point now that I consider any joke about death to be extremely bad taste and not at all funny.
I just had a very good friend of mine die, totally unexpected, and yes that factors into this, but that's not all.
For everyone else, the Virginia Tech Massacre, the countless third world deaths, how can you say "i want to kill my English teacher" or "blah blah blah I have so much work, kill me now"
This also goes to suicides, cutters, etc. Life is always better than death. Always. And people aren't aware how much death can hurt everyone around them. If they are, and they do attempt suicide, they are sicker than just about any form of sick I can imagine.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, maybe I'm not. The point is: Life is always better than death. If only for the reason that you're alive. It's all you've got. It's all you've ever really got.

08:43:00 PM

So how did Capital Awards end up?

04:18:00 PM

i suggest that you remove tintedfraggipan or what ever the name actually is from this blog

he/she/it is rude, mean, and is destroying the spirit of this "safe" place to tell our secrets.

03:17:00 PM

I cut myself for the attention.

02:54:00 PM

I am infatuated with my literature professor from this past semester. She is beautiful, talented and an amazing writer. More than that though...she saved my life. And I don't know how to tell her without scaring the hell out of her.

02:48:00 PM

Monday, May 21, 2007

"cutting" is stupid. people who "cut" are stupid. go get some real problems you fucking middle-class morons.

10:26:00 PM

today was not a good day.
this week, is not a good week.
just let me fucking walk.

08:22:00 PM

i want to lose my virginity to you.

07:55:00 PM

I can not deal with, or know how to deal with, people that are filled with self hate so much that it consumes them. I have run out of things to say or try. I have tried everything i can think of, I have evne mentioned it to authority that can do somethign about it. It has begun to annoy me (which i know is horrible, but i cant figure out what to do for them and im facing 100% resisitance at every step). what can i do? what should i do? nothing i say helps. nothing ive done helps. they refuse to get better on thier own, or with my help.

and it isnt like they avoid it. it is all dumped on me, so it is obvious that they are seeking something (it might just be a vent) but...what to do?

10:33:00 PM

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I'd like to see a therapist but I worry that my parents would be annoyed at me or disappointed that I couldn't deal with my own problems.

So instead I am thinking I will just try to get through college and get a decent job so I can pay for my own therapist. Only, if I can make it that far without offing myself or dropping out I probably won't need one as much.

06:46:00 PM

The people here are so judgemental that I don't want to tell my secrets anymore.

06:40:00 PM

The 10th secret down on PostSecret is my secret. Violence.

04:30:00 PM


Has anyone else heard rumors of Ms. Anderson leaving next year? Or changing the classes she teaches or something?

I'm starting to wonder about teachers for senior year...

02:02:00 PM a good day...because I've gone 6 months without cutting:)

12:33:00 AM

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Oh, Crap... I think I have a crush on V, probable valedictorian '08.

But I know it'll never work out.

(is this weird?)

09:40:00 PM

My parents are perfectly capable of paying for the entirety of my colege with no loans.

My parents have decided they are not paying for my college. At all.

They did it because I started skipping the class that gave me panic attacks.

When I was younger father told me I was faking them, even as I tried to explain why he frightened me so. He ignored me and it was "for my own good."

Now as he denies me this, possibly the most important thing I've ever needed in my whole life, I feel like nothing they've ever done for me in life could've possibly been "for my own good."

This will set me behind years financially, this has set me back a lifetime emotionally... As my mother cries and tells me what a dissappointing daughter I am, and how much they loved me when I was younger before I ruined it all...

I wasn't the one "faking it."

02:57:00 PM

Friday, May 18, 2007

everyone around me is hooking up and i am always the socially awkward person who never knows what to do (but i'm happy and friendly with everyone). ahhh i'm getting sick of it. either i can leave this place (soon) or hook up with someone myself (can't happened soon enough).

11:55:00 PM

Is there any way I could not fail spanish 4 in the 2 weeks left of school? I've actually managed to get low D's all year but that has turned for the worse this semester.

09:53:00 PM

Thursday, May 17, 2007

How do you de-awkwardtize your relationship with someone? It was at one point, very good.

11:14:00 PM

god I cant believe high school is almost over I'm so used to going to school. Its going to be so strange.

04:36:00 PM

freshman year ending soon.

he's right there, but i'm too reluctant. we've got 3 more years right?

oh best friend. sorry we haven't talked, but its neither of our faults. you've got a boy, and well i don't have boy to counter. we'll talk soon, i guarantee it.

12:11:00 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I hate her.

::play 'girlfriend by avril lavigne here::

11:55:00 PM

is it really possible to get over your first, real, serious crush??

I've dated other guys. even liked other guys. but whenever I see this guy when he comes back from college or I see him randomly on facebook...its like I never forgot about him in the first place.

why the hell is he so perfect?

11:51:00 PM

Sooo cloooooooooooooooooose.
Summer is soooo cloooooose.

08:31:00 PM

I sent in all my housing forms (for UNC) about a month ago, but found out today that my dad never mailed the deposit check. Does anyone know if that's going to matter for preference?


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

why are people so messed up?
I know so many people who have so much darkness and sadness inside and it makes me want to scream, WHY CANT YOU GET BETTER? I NEED YOU TO BE OK! PLEASE! but I know I can't just make them better and that it's something they have to do for themselves and that is one of the hardest feelings I have known.

everytime I see your cuts and burn marks I cry. HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF? PLEASE GET BETTER! I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH!!

08:45:00 PM

I quite literally failed my AP exam. I'm positive I have a 1, or maybe a 2 if I'm lucky. Should I cancel my score?

07:33:00 PM

i liked him in seventh grade and he turned me down after i wrote him a note asking him to the sadie hawkins dance. we didn't talk for two years and it was really awkward. then we got to high school and it was okay for the most part. i've always kind of been into him, he's exactly what i'm looking for in a guy and he's just so damn nice. we don't hang out with the same crowd but every time we talk it feels like there's a spark... or i could just be making this up.

dammit! i don't even know if i like him! i don't know what to do.

06:49:00 PM

Soo, we look at eachother a lot. And I mean after every single sentence of a conversation.
Does this mean anything, or does it mean nothing more than the both of us have eyes?

06:35:00 PM

I love being in your arms. just thinking about it makes me ache with longing.

I could have sat there all day, screw the consequences, with your arms around me. I love being close to you, just holding your hand.

and yes, I realise this makes me sound like a hopeless romantic.

06:25:00 PM

Gwen Stefani concert. Ballin.

12:19:00 AM

Monday, May 14, 2007

quando quando quando quando

11:16:00 PM

Is it silly to dream that once I get to college, I will magically find the perfect guy?

10:21:00 PM

I am sooooo upset that Rory didn't accept Logan's proposal, even though I understand her reasons for refusing it. She is only 22, after all, and marriage is a big decision. ...and I'm really embarrassed to say this even to my mother, who's watched every Gilmore Girls episode with me since the series started. I'm ashamed to be so obsessed, and I can't wait for the last show tomorrow night-- Luken'Lorelai, here's hoping!

09:30:00 PM

I hate to ask this on here, but I'm starting to worry a bit...

How is the AP World History exam, for those who have taken it?

04:11:00 PM

Sunday, May 13, 2007

For all of you APES veterans,
I'm freaking out like wtfomg about the AP exam on tuesday. Is it really thaaaaaat hard or should I be relatively prepared if I studied my review book and had Mr. Ogren?
Remember, don't tell me anything about the multiple choice questions because you aren't allowed to talk about those EVARRRRRR.

05:26:00 PM

So...HPV vaccine. What do you guys think?

12:04:00 AM

Saturday, May 12, 2007

ugh i'm sick.
this sucks.
is there something going around?

this is on the verge of... plague.

please excuse me while i go barf on my AP test. They can still grade it, right?

03:34:00 PM

One week after your girlfriend broke up with you you start calling me to "hang out". It's been two years since I've even talked with you. That was when I liked you. You sort of crushed me back then, I'm not bitter anymore but I still remember how it feels. I'm not attracted to you in the least, I have my own boys to like.The one time I did agree to "hang out" with you made it awkward and kind of obvious that you just wanted to hook up.

Stop calling me plzthx. I'm over you and very proud of it.

12:49:00 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

We like each other. But we're awkward/shy and won't talk to each other anymore. And I'm scared of losing him. I'm an idiot for not being bolder. Just watch some him ask out some girl eventually. I seriously can't let myself regret this.

09:37:00 PM

I love the fact that on a 12.5 hour drive to the most southern tip of this country I will come across about 350,000 cars. And in each of these cars there are people with just as many memories of how their cousins tormented them during those ageold family reunions in the middle of nowhere. With fears of the future coming forward and the past coming back. With allergies to pollen, cats, and assholes. With some opinions of religions, where Humanity is going, and how great an impact we have. I love the fact that its not all background noise. And the grit of growing up is fully romanticized (and justly so!).

I love the fact that "love" itself isn’t entirely bullshit. Sure, I hate how the word has lost a lot of its glory from being thrown around all the time, but the fact that the concept hasnt been swallowed up entirely gives me a bit of hope. I really hate tossing that word around though...when you say it, you should know the weight it carries. And if you do mean it, and know the weight it carries, say it to who deserves it...too often people forget...

I love those iconic things that people have. One of my close friends wears a beanie almost as often as he wears skin. My sister will always have a guitar in her hand and a grin on her face. My arch-nemesis has a cigg on his ear, plaid shorts on his legs, and douchebag rolling off his tongue at any given nanosecond. I have this map of New York about 1.5 feet from my keyboard right now...because one of these days this scene will cave in and smoke me out from NC, and put me in a car or (if summer pays well) on a plane to JFK. Hopefully I'll go with someone I hardly know, like one of those people on a 12.5 hour road trip. Or someone from college I know only through that ridiculously distancing head nod of acknowledgement that guys are famous for committing. Or maybe even you, whoever the hell you are, and whatever the hell you stand for/against.

I love the brutally honest. The "spill your guts" people. Mind games are a bitch for both sexes. The extent of my detective skills stops at mastering "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" on my computer in 4th grade, I cant decipher what your cat-and-mouse games mean. Too much communication is caught in redtape and caution. Though I'm being hypocritical, because I do it a lot, I get tired of playing verbal diplomacy like it was a card game. It seems sometimes you're sacrificing trust for personal safety. And it seems that the older you get, and the more convoluted your problems become, the more valuable trust gets. So for those of you who speak your mind, congrats, my red, ace-of-spades wielding Fedora is off to you.

11:46:00 AM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

i made you a cookie.

but i eated it.

05:35:00 PM

I'm obsessed with picking scabs. Sometimes I even cut myself to make them, but not because I want to hurt myself, just to let them heal over and pick the scab it makes. I mostly do it on my chest, but whenever I'm with a boy and we get hot and heavy I always stop before he sticks his hands up my shirt. I'm not a prude, I just have this strange obsession.

I've always told myself that the day I get into a stable relationship I'm going to stop.

05:08:00 PM

every morning i wake up and say to my self, I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

and then I get out of bed and do the same things I did yesterday, and Tommorow I will do the same things I did today.

03:44:00 PM

all I want to do is touch you, kiss you, hold your hand, but we're always so shy around each other. I hope we can get over this.

09:56:00 AM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What makes you happy?

11:05:00 PM

Will you stop fucking claiming how you do no work whatsoever, don't study, etc...yet you still do so well. You even claim you are a failure, and this seems like it is under the guise of "I'm better than you". You use every opportunity you can to tell me how well you did and how you didn't study for it at all, when you knew I worked for it, but still did not do as good.

Why don't you consider the way i feel? You know I work my ass off and try my hardest, because I'd be failing if I didn't. And yet you still fucking gloat. Stop.

04:47:00 PM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I never really understood why everyone always said junior year was a bitch.
41 weeks later I finally realize what everyone was talking about.
Why the hell would he assign a DBQ worth three test grades that's due TWO DAYS before the AP exam?!

Fuck this shit, yo.

05:01:00 PM

Monday, May 07, 2007

to the tune of "So Long, Farewell"

so long, farewell
our wiener dog will bite
the fish has died
so flush him out of sight.

So long, farewell
our wiener dog will poo
he poos hes poos on you and you and you

so long, farewell, our weinerdog
made mudpie , he cries and cries and cries and cries goodbye.


10:19:00 PM

I finally decided: I will spend the next three months weaning myself away from him. No more talking unless he initiates it (the only exception is when I actually have things to talk about). No more emails. No more calls. No more favors. No more movies. No more late night talks until four in the morning.

He's leaving and there's nothing to stop it. I might as well prepare for this now.

Oh well. It's not like he's mine anyways.

07:53:00 PM

i'm so tired of being unattractive. i think a boy likes me and then i realize, wait, he wouldn't like you. i don't want to think that anymore.

it would help though if you asked me out sometime.

i mean, i can actually see if you're calling now since i can see the screen of my phone.

so really, there's no excuse except for that unattractiveness. but do you really see me the way i see me?

05:46:00 PM

AP Exams can kiss my ass

04:46:00 PM

whats the last day of school for enloe. Or at least the last day that seniors need to come?

04:21:00 PM

Sunday, May 06, 2007

FUCK AP exams.

10:47:00 PM

so what did you people think of spiderman 3?

10:32:00 PM

It is nine o' clock. I am not done writing the major-grade English paper due tomorrow. I am so screwed.

I wish I were a senior and didn't have to do this stuff.

10:08:00 PM

I am drunk as hell, and all I want to do is call you, but you wouldn't like that, we're a secret.

But fuck.

12:16:00 AM

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I watch your favorite TV show...not because I like it, but because it reminds me of you.

07:56:00 PM

Friday, May 04, 2007

whats a good book to read for a research paper? One thats good but still has a good amount of lit crit.

09:58:00 PM

oh i haven't been tangsty recently. sorry.

but i do have some angst to share.
i like a boy, and i haven't liked someone in so long, ever since, well you know. so i think i may have forgotten,

how do you get a guy?

02:44:00 PM

how do you become happy? or how do you cure depression?

12:54:00 AM

there are two potential guys that i could have a "thing" with, and i kinda/sorta have had a thing for them in the past. neither of them seems likely to make a move any time soon. i'm not even sure if they both like me.
the only problem is, i'm leaving for two months. should i even try to start something? i'm thinking it's not worth it, considering i'll be a continent away. but it'd sure be nice... =)

12:25:00 AM

Thursday, May 03, 2007

You are all
so jealous of me, but

I would give
anything if
I could make this happen
to someone else.

I'm just
not the person you
think I am

07:26:00 PM

I'm so so sorry,....but...I'm still curious as to what batteries your eyes take, what sound your dreams make, what stars your soul shapes, and if you'll stand beside or beyond me in this Brave New World.

....Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur...

03:55:00 AM

when will we have time to turn my heartbeat over again... hurry its about to stop beating.

01:48:00 AM

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

This is really annoying and cliche, but I think I might want my best friend.

09:29:00 PM

I'm ready for some juicy Philosohpy Club tangst.
Bring it on.

09:18:00 PM

These past few days...feel like something from someone else's life. Things like this don't happen to me...

Even thinking about it, I get butterflies in my stomach.

Wish me luck?

08:26:00 PM

Fuck bitches.

06:47:00 PM

i should just... do it and get it over with.

04:05:00 PM

When we're alone you're different. You even asked me out on a date. Then when we're with friends you barely talk to me. What do you want?

12:06:00 AM

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Lately, I've been having a really hard time and wanting to get back into some old habits. So in attempt to purge thoughts from my system I'm going to do some self therapy and identify issues (I know it's being posted on here...but on here I kinda feel like I'm talking to someone...lame, I know).

Reasons I used to cut/feelings that make me want to again: Self punishment, lonliness, helplessness, hopelessness, attempt to escape emotional distress

Reasons I stopped/Reasons I won't (can't) start again:
1) Theatre- 5 shows per year...I'm always in my underwear around people...they'd notice
2) Fear of ruining my parents' perfect image of me
3) Trying to stay strong and be there for other friends...I'm the group therapist.
4)Vanity..don't want scars
5)Summer's coming...and I don't wanna have to hide it
6)If I start'll be 300 times harder to stop.

Reasons not to outweigh reasons that I want to, right? Let's just hope I can maintain this self control.

08:56:00 PM

I'm being used for sex.

08:07:00 PM

angst angst angstangstangstangstangstangstangs


07:23:00 PM

You know what? I had a really good day today and it's because of you. You you you you you.

06:57:00 PM