Saturday, May 30, 2009

I took my driver's license test high as shit and passed.

11:31:00 AM

Friday, May 29, 2009

how do girls feel about guys watching porn?

07:26:00 PM

The thought of leaving home- leaving you- makes me so sad I can hardly breathe. I can't imagine living without you, and I know that's unhealthy, but I can't help loving you...

09:21:00 PM

I lied on Tangst.

08:14:00 PM

I suck at phone conversations.

I always manage to confuse someone, whether it's myself or the person who I'm talking to.

04:57:00 PM

When you wake up alone
Do you love me still?
Do you question the choice you made?
Do you wake up at all?

12:10:00 AM

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I can't stand living in a city other then hers. Summer break sucks.

12:40:00 AM

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Fuck indie kids.

01:35:00 PM

And, once again, I'm alone... Of course it's my fault. It must be.

01:59:00 AM

Monday, May 18, 2009

Besides Tangst, I've never really used my blogger account before. Now that I'm going to be studying abroad this summer, I'm creating a travel blog there--and since many more "real life" people will (hopefully!) be reading it, I've decided to remove myself as an author/admin of Tangst. I guess it doesn't really matter, because the people I used to Tangst with mostly don't post anymore (I certainly don't), but it seems a little bit like the end of an era. I'm also turning twenty this week, so I guess the "t" part of Tangst would have been inappropriate anyway. (Anyone up for a "Twenty Something Angst Central?"--"the economy's bad for college grads/" "I can't find off-campus housing"/ "My parents still don't understand me"?)

So: so long, Tangst. It's been fun. May you all remember the glory days when we all wanted to hug "box-box," "Tinted" wrote all his poetry, and "PChis" and I were soulmates.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Dear Admin,

Hey, OP here from the first two comments up here right now... can you please not post them? My boyfriend started reading this and I'm completely positive 100% that he'll know who I am. Isn't revealing yourself breaking the rules or something? Pleeeease don't post them. Thanks.

OP from first two comments.

12:56:00 AM

I'm joining the army and I've never been more at peace with any decision in my life!

08:59:00 AM

Here's something frustrating:

My whole life, I've been that brooding, artsy poet girl. I write sweet, delicate poetry for my boyfriend, who I also thought was brooding and poetic like me, and he calls me "cheesy." Cheesy!! And he sees me as the elementary school girl handing him a valentine! And I hate that! And I am totally capable of looking at my writing from a neutral perspective, and honestly, I really don't think it's cheesy. At least not this past one. So I'm trying to decide if I just shouldn't waste my efforts on him any more, or if I should keep vying for his affection and recognition that I am NOT CHEESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

07:32:00 PM

Every electron in my body buzzes for want of you.

Your presence.
Your body.
Your attention.

And part of me wants to hurt you so that you chase after me in words, like you did for her.
And part of me wants to keep showering you with poetry in hopes that you'll reciprocate.
And part of me wants to stop doing sweet deeds, hoping you'll do something for me.

But part of me knows you won't.
And part of you knows you won't, you never will, because you don't love me like you did her.

If she was never nice to you, never a good girlfriend, never gave a fuck about you, why did she get all of your attention? Is that what I have to do? Be a complete bitch to you?

If you don't write me love poems, nobody on this Earth ever will.

I've told you but you pretend not to listen. You admitted you can't make me happy the way I want you to. And I salvaged it, told you you do make me happy in all these small ways.

But still, I'm so irreparably jealous that she got your romance.

04:12:00 PM

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I leave for "home" tomorrow.

Though this summer's activities will mirror those of last summer's my general outlook has changed dramatically. Since I graduated with a boiling hatred of all of the people I was ever close to in high school, last summer was the best summer of my life. I could run away and kick the dirt in their faces and never, never, never look back. Every smile was a huge "fuck you" to everyone who wrote me off as a bitch or a whore or a crazy person. I was free of them and what they thought would never, ever matter again. They didn't know who I was and they still don't know. Their b, not mine.

This summer I leave these mountains knowing the absolute greatest people I've ever met. Instead of running far, far away from here I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. Sure I will laugh with my neighborhood friends back home- we'll party and go nuts and spend the summer shining like water under the sun. I will frown on the inside, though. I don't know if I can be truly whole and happy knowing that I'm not with the people to whom I belong.

09:34:00 PM

I'm having major issues accepting my own mortality. Has everyone already realized that they're really, really gonna die? Am I late in seeing this, or is this the next phase in growing up? Am I the only person who feels a clock ticking in the back of their mind? Everything is going so fast, I'm scared that I'm going to blink my eyes and all of a sudden I'm going to be on my deathbed. I'm terrified. I love living.

02:04:00 AM

Saturday, May 09, 2009

You see, my mom wants to love me but she just can't, because I don't have a job. Wish I did!

Dr. A.

I love my religion and I am not ashamed.

12:28:00 AM

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

4 exams down and 1 to go...
I am so scared to leave all of this, and most of all, I'm terrified to leave you.

12:28:00 PM

Monday, May 04, 2009

Deprivation, In Three Parts (also titled, 10:31am)

Restless / breaking / from lack of sleep
Dying / but from lack of You
Slowly, draining, tossing, turning
Nothing coming for the weary
Nothing, headed nowhere
I am far gone - and
I am done.

I have thoroughly given up on sleep tonight
today, this morning?
As I lay here, thoughts drift to you
Asleep, peacefully snoozing (snoring) across the ocean
exactly 5 hours and approximately
three thousand one hundred fourteen miles
(five thousand twelve kilometres)
I miss you terribly, awfully, completely
There is always the phantom feeling
of you at my back
bare skin, full body
Arm wrapped around my torso
ever protective, ever caring
Every shift mirroring the other's
Remolding to the nooks of our bodies
sticking together, gliding against
the largest organs
the most sensitive organs

I want to fall asleep to sound of your breathing

I want to wake up to your smile

Every caress of the breeze through my window (the drapes)
lifting my hair, baring my neck
The air (the cold) a contrast to your breath (the warmth)
with which I am unfairly (surprisingly) familiar (intimate)
The wind (like your cane) cracks the cloth (like my ass)
making it taught (tense) before easing back (the next stroke?)
On and on the pattern drags, lulling (relaxing) me
into sub -consciousness (-space).

02:25:00 PM

Friday, May 01, 2009

I miss math classes where I would get sheets of problems.

Now I get a single problem and fill sheets of paper.

12:18:00 AM

Someone write something for this.

12:09:00 AM