Saturday, December 30, 2006

I don't like the pill. If I slip up and take one a couple hours later than I'm supposed to, I freak out that I'm gonna get pregnant--because it would be totally unfair to tell him he's gotta use the condoms that he hates just because I can't understand the instructions on the pill package. I am so fucking scared that I am gonna screw this up completely and be the only pregnant AP student.

01:07:10 PM

Friday, December 29, 2006

Sure lead me on for a fucking 4 months i single you out while youre multitasking faster than the computer that i use to talk with you nearly every night.

And to think of the sacrifices that could have been

Drop Dead

10:50:14 PM

I would hook up with practically anyone.

call me.

09:16:47 PM

Thursday, December 28, 2006

i'm going to be so fucked for my finals next week!
and, my birthday is on tuesday but i have to take the actual driving test... and i'm scared shitless.

damn, what a lame-o break this has been.

11:51:34 AM

i ran into the student teacher i hooked up with... and now i think we're going on a date.

still don't know his name

don't think he knows i go to the school he teaches at.

10:52:13 AM

i have been so lazy this chrismas break, I really hae just sat on my ass and watched tv or something that didn't require any energy at all. I have gotten nothing done and I almost feel guilty about it, almost.

12:41:13 AM

yesterday one of my best friends called me a dyke.

um.... i actually don't have a problem with lesbians. i just have a problem with people trying to manipulate me.

but i'm not sure quite how that would work to someones advantage. so maybe she just thinks i'm a lesbian.

meh, oh well!

12:30:46 AM

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

half a chocolate cake, the rest of the popcorn, the bottle of strawberry daquri mix, the rest of the pizza, 5 three-quarters full cans of soda.

all down my sink. because i wanted to eat it all.

being a teenage girl really does feel like the books, and never the movies.

Ultraguy: ....
Ultraguy: and starving children everywhere REJOICe

11:51:39 PM

I am not taking these essays to their full potential and its annoying the hell out of me. I could write something so much deeper and more personable, but it takes time. Then, my parents say "why aren't you done yet? why are you taking so long?" so I use something i've written before and just modify it.

They could be so much more, and mean so much more.

07:06:01 PM

yes...i'm demanding....

but it's all for the good...

...i mean how else are we going to get together....(smirk)

06:27:08 PM

accept me???

if you meet me i'd know you would dig me....oh so much more than


05:43:01 PM

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

wow, this weBSite SUX.



<333, sukers!!

06:48:04 PM

That was definitely one of the best Christmases (what on earth is the plural of Christmas-Christmai?) of my life.

02:05:57 AM

Monday, December 25, 2006

My Christmas break has been majorly sucking and it's making me fall back into depression

10:13:13 PM

Christmas is boring.

12:55:06 PM

Merry Christmas!

01:27:16 AM

Sunday, December 24, 2006

I wanted to let you know (just because it's Christmas - and at Christmas you tell the truth):

I love you.

I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I can never find the right way to say it. There is never a preface cute enough, or charming enough. The timing is never right, something is always coming up and ruining the moment.

Anyways, and like I said before, I just wanted you to know that I love you.

11:49:14 PM

"All I want for Christmas is you"

08:31:04 PM

[Song: "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey.]

Christmas Eve is supposed to be so happy--

But the whole service, I couldn't be happy, I couldn't concentrate on anything else except for how you looked, sitting down there while we stood in front.

I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't really anyone's fault, but I am so, so sorry.

08:24:37 PM

i hooked up with a student teacher.

at a state party.

i'm scared to see him at school now.

especially since i don't remember his name.

04:04:57 PM

i took naked pictures of myself and sent them to you and now that you love them i love myself more than i ever have. who knew that naked would be the best thing i ever did?

04:00:53 PM

god i feel so angsty right now. i love it.

i wanna lick you.
is that weird?

03:48:59 AM

Saturday, December 23, 2006

"It didn't taste as bad as I thought it would."

Far from high praise, but I suppose I can accept it.

08:29:21 PM

Ahahaha, I got invited to UNC's scholarship day despite my previous merit-based rejection--John Motley Morehead III can suck it. :D

06:08:39 PM

i'm too tired of all this shit to try and fight for you. I'm too tired of waiting around for you to say how you feel.

So please just let me go!

04:59:53 PM

I hate being the only (slightly) sober one of my friends left, but at least I can hold my liquor.
If you can't deal with it, don't drink it. I have no sympathy for drunk, attention-hungry, psychopathic whores.

11:12:46 AM

there are two guys that i'm kind of sort of interested in.... one of them is a slightly stick situation and the other is as old as my sister. and he's a freshman in college (but lives here).
and then all of a sudden random people that i liked before or even never liked at all have started flirting with me [again].... what the fuck?!?!

why are there so many boys?? and what do i do?!

03:06:20 AM

Friday, December 22, 2006


10:37:33 PM

knock knock

10:37:23 PM

A long time ago (the twenty-seventh of November, 2005, at 8:15 PM) I wrote here, on Tangst, about my crush on you.

Yesterday (the twenty-first of December, 2006, at 11:00 PM) you were there at the dance.

It was odd, to see you there, uncomfortable among the elites, those people everyone dreams of being. It became clear to me then: you are not one of them, however good you are at pretending.


I still love you.
I'm still here,

only a footstep behind.

09:53:31 PM

The sixth post ever here on Tangst was about disliking anonymous comments, because they provide no catharsis.

I feel so sad for you, OP.
But it's sort of funny that, if you read this, you'll get no catharsis from it.

Because I'm anonymous.

07:28:37 PM

i feel like i'm always in a competition and when i try and not compete, i get accused of being depressed/pessimistic/suicidal.

07:08:29 PM

timing is everything...

me and my shyness and not trying not to come on too strong...

you and your shyness and ex girlfriend...

us..waiting on one another to make the first move...

we were listening to the same song were listening to the trumpet while i was dancing to the flutes...

the one you forgot you..

03:08:22 PM

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's up to us, '07. We've got to give the new building a name before The Man comes up with something boring, like the "Northeast Building." We need something that will stick, and we need it before we graduate.

Just think, in twenty years, people will still be calling it "The Chill Buil" or something.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I never imagined our first night together would be outside of a best buy.

But hell, it was cute anyways.

08:25:22 PM

i am so sick of waiting for him to like me but i'm scared to move on because at least with him i already know what is going to happen, with anyone else i don't know what could happen or if i'm ready to put myself out there.

07:11:14 PM

i am so sick of that big gay suckfest that is drama club! we all know what really goes on in that room, and it ain't pretty!!

but alas...he talked to me today

07:07:27 PM

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I'm sick of being single. Who's with me? I think a tangst dating service is the key.

11:21:47 PM

I don't think you knew how much it meant today when I hugged you and you said "don't let [him] see."

Of course you were joking. Of course I was joking back. Of course I love him and would never leave him.

But if I had to have an affair, it would undoubtedly be with you. It would be very easy to let myself fall in love with your smiles.

10:55:28 PM

I'm beginning to look at friends in terms of who i'll keep up with when i go to college. It's a very short list.

10:32:46 PM

Am I the only person who derives pleasure and amusement from "dead baby jokes"?

Man, people need to loosen up.

-What's worse than two dead babies nailed to a tree?....

One dead baby nailed to two trees.

-What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?....

Tearing it back down

-What's red, screaming, and gets hit by cars?.... (this one makes me wince)

A baby with forks in its eyes.

Intense snuggling for the win. Nothing like napping next to a loved one.

09:08:04 PM

need sleep, need it so badly.

09:05:10 PM

i'm fucking sick and tired of being the guy's best friend.


07:23:13 PM

somebody give me a gun to shoot my enviro teacher.

11:33:01 AM

Monday, December 18, 2006

I'm happy that my boyfriend isn't coming to my party. It gives me time to flirt with more interesting people.

11:58:06 PM

"House" is a good show.

11:53:15 PM

he really likes me. a lot.

09:34:04 PM

i just broke down because i'm overstressed. I feel like thursday is so far away and i'm going to fail school and i'll the crap i've worked hard for because of these last few days of school before break.

09:30:16 PM

I am so sick of my schedule being so planned out so I don't hardly get any sleep and every minute of my life is planned. I practically have to plan to have free time! This is so ridiculous and I have no idea what I should do.

09:15:17 PM

Today was a living hell. It's like an itchy fire in my veins that you don't know how much I like you. I can't concentrate. I can't sit still. I COULDN'T EVEN EAT, WHICH IS SICK AND WRONG.

But I'm too much of a coward to tell you, and that is hardly something I wished to know about myself.

07:42:28 PM

my senior friends from last year are back and doing the visiting-the-school thing because they have nothing better to do...

i saw this guy today that i have always thought was exceptionally good looking, and really smart, funny, etc.
but he lives a thousand miles away, is too busy with college life, is a few years older than me, and i don't know him that well anyway.


07:24:40 PM

Stop griping you are driving me insane!!!!! AHHHH Please shut up!!!

06:48:17 PM

Calculus IB Portfolio for the suck.

Seriously, if someone can give me a real and decent reason why non-IB students have to do IB work, this might, just might, become a little bit more bearable.

he won't like his present...

it's a handmade book/card with a different thing on a each page... going like this...

Dearest ******...
With any luck within the next year i'll be going out with one of these boys...
(Insert collage of hot boys from GQ)
But until then
I'd like to say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it is christmas
And at Christmas you tell the truth
To me you are perfect
And my withered heart will love you until you look like this
(Insert picuture of fat man in bikini)
Merry Christmas
Love always,

05:04:29 PM

OMG, I'm so nervous.

Wish me luck!

08:53:57 AM

"the fury and the mire of human veins."


02:02:09 AM

This wouldn't be so bad except that I know I did all of this to myself.

01:26:31 AM

Sunday, December 17, 2006

in an empty house we spent the night, and you took me as yours.

but I wasn't yours.

I was his.

and somehow that made it better.

10:45:03 PM

I hate christmas.

09:30:35 PM

today is my sweet sixteenth and so far ive talked to my best friend twice...she still hasnt wished me a happy birthday

08:45:55 PM

when he looks at me and says you are perfect I guess I should raise my head a little and believe and be validated because--he said it.

but I am not a girl like that like any other girl I know.

I already know that I am perfect.

05:34:56 PM

I told you that I wanted you to feel pain. But now, I just want you to understand that I'm only freaking out because I'm not in control anymore. I'm in love with you, and it scares me more than anything has before.

04:16:48 PM

I had the most amazing dream last night. In the dream, I was dating what's his face, as I am in real life, and I was completely bored with him, also as I am in real life. You and I were flirting outside the west building in the freezing cold when you pulled me close to you and, in a characteristically awkward way, professed your love for me. It was beautiful. Even in my dream I had to stop myself from kissing your right then and there. Oh god, it was amazing.

I know it's terrible of me to want you so badly, especially when I already have "him". I just can't stop thinking about you. I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night to watch your favorite show just because it reminded me of you.

I know it sounds cheesy, but hope dreams come true.

11:39:02 AM

sure,i'll let you have my # its 1-800-get-a-life really its 1-800-s-t-a-l-k-e-r or for numerical digits 1-800-782-5537... ok everyone pull out your cell phones 7825537 spells stalker.

i wish i had the guts to do this to you.

12:52:48 AM


12:16:00 AM

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Merry Christmas

11:23:12 PM

why have there been no traffic reports in a while?

08:00:02 PM

Friday, December 15, 2006

Can we post photos?

We should be able to.

08:36:05 PM

What happened today in the pods first period?

08:05:24 PM

My life has been validated. That is all that needs to be said.

4:14:41 PM

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sometimes I feel like i'm completely over him. I can hold a completely sane and normal conversation without freaking out about every little detail. I think this is because now I see him for more then just a glimpse in the hallway.

Then other times, he'll say something small and insignificant, or do something really sweet (like yell at the annoying guy for bothering me) and i'll be the happiest person because of it. At those times I'm not over him, and think about what he's said in the past and whether it means anything.

I'm so ready to be over it and move on because I know for a fact he doesn't feel that way towards me, but for some reason I can't. Whenever a slow song comes on the radio, I still think of him.

10:37:38 PM

I have no idea what the appropriate response is when you ask a girl out and she says no based on the fact she's emotionally damaged and unstable.

She's one of the most stable, steady, level-headed people I know.

Is she lying? Or is she better than most at hiding her problems?

10:14:19 PM

mrs ******* says our grades would 'dip' third quarter. holy shit. i thought this quarter was hell already...

10:05:41 PM

you bought a date. i love you with all my heart.

07:08:12 PM

Life is like a box of chocolates? That's bullshit!
Sometimes one good thing blows your way
another moment and its gone
What the hell happened to telling the truth...
What the hell made us all lose trust...
What the hell forced us to grow up so fast?
Only thing i remember of youth
the feeling of love
honest love
between all of us.
NOW? now we're backstabbing slutaprostabitchahoes waiting to take another swing
aching to see the blood drip
and for the prey to die slow and terribly
hoping it will give an example of some kind of emotion
Something we lost when we brought on the dope
when we started sniffing
when we started drinking our suffereing away
Well... let's face it... we've all changed... for the better... for the worse.
All i know that i have changed for good
for always

07:07:55 PM

I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how it feels
I am not your friend
Im not your lover
Im not your family


Take apart your head
Chew it up and swallow it

You wont know:

I love you so much
But do me a favor:

Dont reply.

Cause I can dish it out, but i cant take it.

I could never listen/leaveyou/missyou

Youre beating with the book everyone that book told you love.
And the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail

...Id arrest you if i had handcuffs

Touch me
Just let me know
where youve been

Space Cadet, pull up


I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But Ive had some time alone to hold my lions at bay
I know you think that im someone you can trust
But im scared ill get scared and I swear ill try to nail you back up
So do you think we can work out a sign?
So I know its you and that its over, so I wont even try
I know youre coming for the people like me
we sleep inside of this machine...

I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care i was being cared for,
Made sure I showed it to those that i loved
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause i was about my Father's work.

02:26:59 AM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

i need control.
please, i just want to be who i am.

but how much will it take?

because as lame as it sounds, i just want to see myself when i look in the mirror.

11:24:10 PM

You are the only thing holding me to:
-This school
-This city
-This state
-This country
-This world
But I don't plan on telling you because it would probably just freak you out.

08:56:11 PM

I'm glad you all are acting like middle schoolers now, creating events and not inviting me, because it gives me a wonderful chance to explore these angsty and vindictive feelings that I don't get in touch with enough.

It's just like we're twelve again.

08:11:56 PM

I lie or exaggerate whenever it is more convenient than being truthful. I don't feel bad. No one believes the truth anyway.

12:42:52 AM

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

i lead him on. oops?

11:13:33 PM

i'm moving on. i can't sit around waiting for them to break up their absolutely unhappy relationship. I'm hurting myself more than anyone else. I know this is the right thing to do

but why do i still feel like my hearts been torn out of my chest and thrown onto a huge fire of rotting rat carcasses?

10:25:55 PM

i'm just so fucking angry, and so frustrated.

i try my hardest in my math class (precalc C, in the highest track at my school) ... and i've been struggling since pretty much the eigth grade. i try and try but no matter how hard i work or how much i study it just doesn't seem to work out for me. i'm dropping down a level at semester but i always feel like the dumb one of my friends (because i hang out with the smart people at my school).

i hate it, i fucking hate it and i wish i was smarter so i could actually have a reason to be as narcissistic (sp?) as i am.

10:25:46 PM

A guy I don't know very well just told me that I was "pretty fuckin' cute"


09:41:27 PM

Rebecca Putterman is my hero. The Tunnel is absolutely incredible.

Tunnel Reader
08:43:04 PM

What would children in third-world countries do with Spanish textbooks meant for English-speaking children?

04:18:20 PM

Monday, December 11, 2006

How can you have everything you need and then some and still feel so unsatisfied and shitty about your life? What do you really need to be truly happy?

11:08:57 PM

she DOES care about me. and it was her that brought it up, not me. oh god, i'm so happy i could cry.

10:47:36 PM

i want to hook up with you

10:15:58 PM

Sometimes, I feel like a cold-blooded bastard.

Other times, I am entirely moved by impulse and emotion.

I wish I could make up my mind.

12:16:30 AM

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I'm sick of being caught in it.
It's driving me mad.
You cripple yourself in every situation and get angry with me when i try to help. So you stop talking to me?! So you blow me off?!
Now it's my fault.
That sound's about right.

I'm really, really, frustrated, btw.

10:00:48 PM

you held me in your arms while i looked so fucking ugly snot dripping everywhere cheeks streaked with tears eyes so bloodshot i looked slightly like i had pink eye. and then i realized i didn't want to be with anyone but you.

05:33:00 PM

there's this cute guy that i would wanna hookup with but all his friends and everyone else makes fun of him for being lame

there's this really nice funny guy who's just really shy around girls who i would kill to go out with, but we've never talked so i doubt it would work.

and there's this junior girl that i feel really connected to, even though i don't really like girls in that way.

and i never know what to say/do about any of it.

05:12:44 PM

I'm so angry at them

03:32:10 PM

I just heard a story about the circumstances of how we met....our first dance...her own insecurities....

And now I love her even more.

11:45:05 AM

If you could fight anyone, who would it be?

01:12:42 AM

Saturday, December 09, 2006

today i went shopping for 248906239045236 hours and the more i tried on clothes (ok, i'll admit i was kind of going for the retail-therapy aspect of it, not so much the i-desperately-need-a-pair-of-jeans-that-fit-my-fat-ass)
the more i realized how incredibly ugly i feel in the winter.

ugly, and fat, and gross looking. does this happen to other people in the winter too? i feel like as soon as the cold weather sets in and winter begins, my body goes into "look-like-piece-of-shit" mode. and i don't know how to flip the switch.

11:36:34 PM

They are the perfect couple-


-But secretly, i hope they have a huge fight and break up.

12:00:08 AM

Friday, December 08, 2006

i'm glad i'm not friends with her, that means one less christmas present.

11:36:19 PM

That comment you made really hit home- I really DO have the most unsuccessful love life of anyone I know.
I think it's funny in a morose kind of way and I'm considering just giving up for a while but I don't really know how to do that.

08:06:11 PM

any luck with the Morehead, anyone?

07:36:36 PM

he's jealous. and he's being a jerk about it.

03:18:42 PM

What ever happened to SD?

02:56:56 PM

Thursday, December 07, 2006

You lost me. Will it be for good?

10:51:31 PM

I dated a guy for almost a year. We had a wonderful, casual, and realistic relationship. When we decided to break up it wasn't easy, but it could've been worse. After we broke up he was a real dick to me for a few months, butgot over it, for the past year we've been good friends. He is now dating one of my best friends, they are in a healthy long term relationship.
However, sometimes he is still really mean to me. He always judges my appearance, making comments that make me feel uncomfortable. He accuses me of trying to "steal" his girlfriend, even though he spends much more time with her than I do. He makes it very clear that she is much more important to him than me, often in rude or unneccesary ways. He speaks very openly about the sexual aspect of their relationship, often in a rude/immature/unneccesary manner. I know she would be offended by that.
My question is whether or not I should tell her about this. I don't want her to feel like I'm making her choose sides. She doesn't really know any of this is going on. I feel like she has a right to know, but at the same time I don't think it would change her relationship with him.

09:29:35 PM

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

there hasn't been a popular post in a while.

11:43:04 PM

ive been so incredibly tired recently. I sleep in everyone of my classes. I used to never sleep at school.

11:42:12 PM

Ben: It’s just this girl I’ve known for a while. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s awkward as hell, but can still be the life of the party. When she smiles she lights up the room. You can’t help but be happy when she’s around you. I feel like I could just tell her everything and I know that I can trust her with anything.

Boys are so sweet in my plays... and i'm so good with them there... why isn't real life this easy?

09:03:51 PM

..and recently the image of blowing my brains out has been comming back. I thought it was gone..dammit.

08:47:15 PM

tangst, i've missed you. too much has been happening, i just don't have time to anonymously write how i really feel. things have been confusing, with people, and things have been increasingly scary with others, as in i'm afraid i'm losing them.

maybe i need to chill out?

12:13:39 PM

Oh righteous anger, how I've missed you so.

12:46:14 AM

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i hate losing and not being able to get better. but then again i guess everyone does.

11:24:27 PM

You're holding out for a miracle.
I'm holding out for you.

In my eyes they're happening at the same time.

they aren't happening.

10:39:21 PM

endless wrath upon nelson.

Queen Sekaf
09:21:35 PM

Who knew that people you've never met could know you better than you know yourself?

07:55:17 PM

she ignores him every day... they don't even talk anymore... and yet he'd rather be in this horrible relationship, getting more and more jaded, than be with me. he would rather be completely torn apart than be with me. am i really that bad?

07:42:45 PM

Monday, December 04, 2006

I feel like I'm on the edge of a huge turning point of my life, as if I do one thing, my life will go one way, and if I do another, it will go the other.

It's kind of a scary feeling, really.

11:17:33 PM

I like him. but when i see him. i dont know how to be with him.

11:10:04 PM

Last year, they pushed me so hard towards that goal. I did everything wrong, forced my way towards it. I cracked under the pressure, and fell apart.

This year, only I push myself. I'm working hard, and doing things right. So why now do they stand in my way?

Why are they so desperate (seemingly) that I not succeed--at least, not on my own?

09:18:52 PM

i sit in front of the computer and next to the phone hoping you'll do something, anything, that is a means of you communicating with me... even if it's only about how to solve a math problem. because honestly, even though every time i look at you it hurts, i would rather feel that hurt a thousand times a day, than be the lonely girl who never knew what it was like talking to you on the phone.

05:08:35 PM

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Tragedy of a Burden'd Heart

I've been secretly in love with the same person for the last four years. She's become available, then dating, then single, on and off. I wish she knew how I felt but I can't tell her. I'm not sure why, because I think that a relationship could and would actually work between us. And it's not like she hasn't shown an overt interest occasionally. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment, or afraid that she'll discover who I really am inside and not like that side of me quite so much. I just don't know.

It is entirely possible that she is reading this post tonight and wondering if it is about her. Well guess what, dearest.

It is about you.

Why, when I have the chance to reach out and seize that which would ensure my happiness, do I cautiously turn and let opportunity slowly drift away?

Good night and peaceful sleep to all souls, drifting lost in life or love. God speed to those who mourn for tragedy which befalls us all, and may the light of hope grace all our sights with the dawning of a new day.

let me know,
with the raptures of your mouth,
if you really care,
or if i need to pull away.

07:58:33 PM

i feel like i'm always the one that starts our im conversations.

i you actually enjoy talking to me? i feel like you do. or am i just annoying?

07:30:21 PM

The truth is, I don't know if it was an accident or not.

And that scares me more than anything.

01:01:24 PM

Of nativities and crosses in the sky
I’ll relinquish my final sigh
And find my upturned lips
And crinkles drawn near my eyes
I saved it all for you

01:57:00 AM

Friday, December 01, 2006

today i found myself in a position of incredible power (i was elected to the position). this may sound weird, but i REALLY liked it. i have never before thought about a career in politics, but today i seriously began to contemplate it.

i like being in power. i like seeing other people being intimidated when i walk over. i like to see people trying to kiss my ass (especially when i know that i'm no-nonsense, in-your-face straightforward, and that kinda shiz doesn't fly with me). i like being respected.
the best part is, i'm not a bitch--just incredibly determined.
i like it when things are done my way.

i don't know why, but the thought of being able to wield so much power freaks me out, even though i know that whatever i do i'd be amazing at it.

i'm not really this arrogant, it's hard to keep a cool head when you've been called "madam president" all day.

10:32:56 PM