Thursday, April 30, 2009

Whenever I'm up late working on a paper, the whole room starts to smell like my sour, stressed-out vagina. I don't get it and it's not cool.

09:00:00 PM

Sometimes I wish life were a fairytale and you would come and sweep me off my feet on the back of a white stallion. I know life is not like that and you try really damn hard. I love you for being you.

07:30:00 PM

yeah. you miss me. right.

lie to me about having a girlfriend so you can get what you want out of me. oh but next time, you might not want to tell one of my best friends about your girlfriend... like she's not gonna tell me.

see if i take you back after that crap you pulled. your player days are over.

fuck you shag

09:28:00 PM

Today I told the boy I like that I've had a crush on him all semester and asked him on a date


I'm on top of the world and none of my friends really care D:

01:39:00 AM

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I love waking up every morning and making love with you before even saying a word, and afterwards, the first words said are "I love you." I think every relationship should be this way. <3 <3

02:00:00 PM

It's the last two weeks of the semester. I have had the biggest and most ridiculous crush on the boy that sits in front of me in both my calc and physics classes. It's to the point where it's ridiculous and I've been trying my hardest to let him know I like him but it's not getting through.
I'm going to tell him today.

12:03:00 PM

i want to be the cristina to someone's juan antonio and maria elena, except i wouldn't leave.

04:14:00 AM

Friday, April 24, 2009

The only reason you are with him is that I wasn't around to be there instead of him. I'm going to do what I have to.

I mean it.

dr. a

When life throws a fork in your path, which side should you continue on? Will your past continue on your path or will it veer off in the other direction? I hope I see my past again some day. Such wonderful dreams. I hope the path I have chosen is full of worthwhile struggle and satisfaction. I will meet with my dreams and seize them in the end.

09:55:00 AM

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I think things are going to be OK.

09:00:00 PM

Why does she get love graffiti all over town after she breaks your heart, and I come to fix you and get nothing from you?

Please open up to me. I'm working on trusting you, please, please trust me back.

07:37:00 PM

The show was awful, the crowd was awful, but by some sort of silly fate we wound up being thrown together by a sea of sweaty teenagers. His hand found my shoulder and I said "I hope this moment never ends" out loud because I knew he couldn't hear me.

12:55:00 AM

Despite the fact that my chosen career will likely involve many life threatening situations. I know I'll be alright.

A fortune cookie told me that "your blessing is only this, to be safe and sound your whole lifetime"

10:42:00 PM

I have made a couple hundred dollars by stealing (practically new) spirit wear from our dorms' laundry rooms, and "returning" it to the bookstore. I've been doing this for about a term now, and with four weeks left for classes, I don't think anyone has gotten any the wiser.

06:56:00 PM

So here’s the thing- I really like you. I know it’s kind of silly. I know that, to most, it would not appear founded on much. And maybe it’s not. Maybe it all stems from our playful flirting and the attraction I have to introverts. Maybe you just possess those few qualities that automatically draw me in without much consideration.

I mean, it’s not like you’re perfect. You have this thing against holidays that can get so extreme that you let your friends miss out on you because you can’t get over your own insecurity. You are closed off to the point of miscommunication and the edge of loneliness. You are stubborn and disaffected. You are not as respectful of me as you should be.

But then, I don’t really want you to be. How else would we communicate? I am awkward too. I do not make friends easily. But I am friendly. And so are you. And I care about my friends. And so do you, though your friends are not as quick to gain importance in your mind. You are polite to elders and those who serve you. You seem to know the value of a dollar, to a greater extent than most here at least. You have had real problems in your life, as have I. You are not overdramatic. You are passionate about life- running, faith, intellect. You are not content with the status quo. You question establishment and make your own path. And you are successful in doing so. I am stubborn too. You love stupid arguments, but never concede your point. Your disaffection from society is sad, but I too attempt to rise above. You make me laugh. You care how I feel. You possess wisdom about relationships. And you are not shallow.

I’m not sure that writing this was a good idea. It seems that you have many more good character traits than bad. And it seems that I identify with many of your traits I’ve labeled as bad. No wonder I find you hot regardless of your lack of classic good looks. No wonder I dream about you with little provocation. No wonder I can’t seem to let the thought of us go. No wonder my efforts made in attempt to not dwell on my feelings do little good. My feelings for you are like a sinusoidal graph, shifted at least two units up on the y-axis. Except the high points last longer, and the low points aren’t even that low. The low points are the times I convince myself that you have been mean or that you are otherwise somehow undeserving of my affection. They only last until I see you again. Then you make up for it. Or I find out that I was wrong. You don’t let me down for very long.

But you are unavailable. You do not need me, and you must not want me. Like that. Because I am here. And you could have had me many times. You could have broken up with her. But you say that you love her. And I am glad that you can admit to such a deep emotion, especially in connection to another human-being. I am glad that you are happy. I am glad that she is happy. I am glad that you’ll have another blissful summer together…

Actually, I am not. I will try very hard to put you out of my mind this summer. It may work, in waves like a cosine graph. But often when I think of you, I will remember that you are with her- laughing, cuddling, making love. And a wave inside of me will well up with jealousy and passion. I will want to be her, though I love myself. I will remember that I will see you in the fall, but I will remind myself that you will still be with her, because the alternate option is too wonderful to think of. I will not let myself get my hopes up and be hurt in the fall. You love her. And you are happy. And even if I cannot think of you two together, I am happy for you. And I will continue to tell myself that we would not be good together, though in honesty I think we would be. I will continue to guard my heart from you. I will not attach my emotions to you or any boy. I will live peacefully in communion with God. And so I will never be let down, I will never be unhappy.

Excuse the lame math metaphors. This was not meant to be entirely mathematically accurate.

09:24:00 PM

Friday, April 10, 2009

When I was little and I couldn't sleep, my mom would rub my back while telling me the names of all the people who loved me. She would fill a whole hour like that sometimes, exhausting nuclear family members, then household pets, then distant cousins, then teachers and friends from school, and occasionally (but rarely) falling back on Jesus and God. I think sometimes I faked nightmares just so she would do that with me.

I'm twenty now, and I'm in college far away from home. I'm a big girl who does her own laundry and has a discount card for the local grocery store and always remembers to sort the recyclables. I know I need to learn to be an adult, but all I want right now is for my mom to sit on the side of my bed and rub my back and tell me the names of all the people who love me.

12:33:00 AM

I desperately want some order in the universe, some logic, some rationality. But I guess I would settle for good prospects for the future or a few good friends.

11:04:00 PM

In my head I know that it's a good thing that we're apart now. If you gave up after the hits we took you wouldn't have been able to handle the rest of what life would throw at us.
That doesn't stop me from wondering though, what if the succession of sucker punches that life hit us with had been a little more spread out, instead of one after another, would we have made it? If you and I hadn't been dealing with other things, would we have been able to stick it out through the extraneous things?
I wonder at all of these things. But in the end, after a couple of years of saying "i love you", when i Actually Needed You, those words and feelings that you claimed to have dried up. You sloughed them off like a snake shedding a layer of dead skin, and slithered on to your next target.
The next time you tell someone you love them, Mean It.

12:20:00 AM

I just realized that I really, really miss my high school boyfriend. It's been two years and what I wouldn't give for one last night of sex, boredom, and nothing at all to say to him..

01:36:00 PM

Monday, April 06, 2009

I wish I could be that girl that some guy is worried about cyclically crushing on.

08:56:00 PM

Sunday, April 05, 2009

C-c-c-c-c-combo breakerrr

What do you do when you have these cyclical crushes that keep you up late at night writing sappy, amateurish poetry and whining piteously about your life? How do you just keep on going with your life and get a new girl or a new viewpoint or whatever it is that gets you out of a rut?

Because really, I have oh so very much had it with this rut and the ones like it.

Sparknotes: I like a girl, she doesn't/won't ever like me, I still like the girl. It's almost like a lame haiku. A laimku. My life is a laimku.

Does anyone have a foolproof method of stamping out recurrent crushes?
If so, lay it on me,

Dr. A

drunk get crunkkkk
tangst angst
boys and life
and drugs and drankz
mostly drankz
fucking and kissing and college and vodka and living

01:40:00 AM

How about this angst:
I smoked so much weed a month ago, that I'm completely turned off of smoking...
I miss you, Mary-Jane!

06:02:00 PM

Friday, April 03, 2009

I hope tangst doesn't die. It's too much fun reading about how dramatic other people's lives are. Or, how dramatic they pretend it is.

07:03:00 PM

I answered the door naked and fucked him there in the door way. It was amazing.

05:45:00 PM

Why all the relationship angst recently? Why no interesting angst?

I've got some interesting angst. FUCK the Sierpinski triangle! FUCK me failing Programming because I can't write the recursive code that'll draw it! FUCK JAVA!

01:07:00 PM