Sunday, April 19, 2009

So here’s the thing- I really like you. I know it’s kind of silly. I know that, to most, it would not appear founded on much. And maybe it’s not. Maybe it all stems from our playful flirting and the attraction I have to introverts. Maybe you just possess those few qualities that automatically draw me in without much consideration.

I mean, it’s not like you’re perfect. You have this thing against holidays that can get so extreme that you let your friends miss out on you because you can’t get over your own insecurity. You are closed off to the point of miscommunication and the edge of loneliness. You are stubborn and disaffected. You are not as respectful of me as you should be.

But then, I don’t really want you to be. How else would we communicate? I am awkward too. I do not make friends easily. But I am friendly. And so are you. And I care about my friends. And so do you, though your friends are not as quick to gain importance in your mind. You are polite to elders and those who serve you. You seem to know the value of a dollar, to a greater extent than most here at least. You have had real problems in your life, as have I. You are not overdramatic. You are passionate about life- running, faith, intellect. You are not content with the status quo. You question establishment and make your own path. And you are successful in doing so. I am stubborn too. You love stupid arguments, but never concede your point. Your disaffection from society is sad, but I too attempt to rise above. You make me laugh. You care how I feel. You possess wisdom about relationships. And you are not shallow.

I’m not sure that writing this was a good idea. It seems that you have many more good character traits than bad. And it seems that I identify with many of your traits I’ve labeled as bad. No wonder I find you hot regardless of your lack of classic good looks. No wonder I dream about you with little provocation. No wonder I can’t seem to let the thought of us go. No wonder my efforts made in attempt to not dwell on my feelings do little good. My feelings for you are like a sinusoidal graph, shifted at least two units up on the y-axis. Except the high points last longer, and the low points aren’t even that low. The low points are the times I convince myself that you have been mean or that you are otherwise somehow undeserving of my affection. They only last until I see you again. Then you make up for it. Or I find out that I was wrong. You don’t let me down for very long.

But you are unavailable. You do not need me, and you must not want me. Like that. Because I am here. And you could have had me many times. You could have broken up with her. But you say that you love her. And I am glad that you can admit to such a deep emotion, especially in connection to another human-being. I am glad that you are happy. I am glad that she is happy. I am glad that you’ll have another blissful summer together…

Actually, I am not. I will try very hard to put you out of my mind this summer. It may work, in waves like a cosine graph. But often when I think of you, I will remember that you are with her- laughing, cuddling, making love. And a wave inside of me will well up with jealousy and passion. I will want to be her, though I love myself. I will remember that I will see you in the fall, but I will remind myself that you will still be with her, because the alternate option is too wonderful to think of. I will not let myself get my hopes up and be hurt in the fall. You love her. And you are happy. And even if I cannot think of you two together, I am happy for you. And I will continue to tell myself that we would not be good together, though in honesty I think we would be. I will continue to guard my heart from you. I will not attach my emotions to you or any boy. I will live peacefully in communion with God. And so I will never be let down, I will never be unhappy.

Excuse the lame math metaphors. This was not meant to be entirely mathematically accurate.

09:24:00 PM

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Although I like the way you wrote out your feelings, it's very poetic and deep. Incredible even. You might be making things hard for yourself and your ex. If it's going to happen, it'll happen. You cannot make it/will it to happen because your ex will despise you which is probably the last thing you are interested in. Let them live their lives and stop making them look over their shoulders wondering if you are still in the picture.