Tuesday, January 31, 2006

How is it that he always says exactly what will make me fall in love with him again?

I hate this cycle.

11:06:17 PM

I turned down the Girl that would make an awesome girlfirend, like marriage possibility awesome girlfriend, beacuse I'm still in love with the Bitch.

10:12:07 PM

Post one thing you have to do before you die.

09:10:30 PM

hey! i just realized! try saying "pchis" out loud. it sounds just like PEACHES =D!!!!!

i thought you all would appreciate that necessary little bit of randomness...

08:32:12 PM

I really don't like you, tinted. It's not because you're gay. It doesn't matter that you're gay, you make too big a deal out of it. You like penises, and you have one. That's great, and whether or not society thinks otherwise is of no consequence, 'cause you're still gay. So what the fuck, who cares? I don't like you because you act and write as if your morals, ethics, and satisfactions come before any consideration of how it will affect the people around you. Perhaps this goes for more people than just you, tinted (except for maybe the homosexuality in most cases, since it isn't the "norm"), but damn. Step off your goddamn high horse. Everyone who flames someone for "emo" poetry is being shitty, but so are the people who tell them they're being shitty. At least on this site. I'm being shitty for telling tinted I don't like him and others similar, but that doesn't give me any less right to write this, just like tinted is allowed to make his nose as shitty as he likes by acting as a scoundrel and... a brown-noser. And that's what makes this site great, but irritating. Thanks, I'm gonna go take a bubble bath.

08:30:04 PM


All right... I'm in love with someone, deeply in love, almost definitely getting married. Just to establish that. He was in love with another girl before, but some crazy shit happened, which I don't need to detail here. She still loves him, and he probably still loves her, if he'd just realize it. That doesn't mean that we love each other any less.

Lately, I've been in communication with her-- we've never met, we only talk online. She seems like a nice person, and we'd probably be very good friends if only there wasn't the complication that we're in love with the same guy. And, as I have been spinelessly conditioned to give up what I have should another person want it, her laments that she doesn't hate me, only that I represent all that she could have had but lost, sort of got to me. I really didn't want her to be hurt, and I made the observation that it would be great if we could both just marry this guy and both be in love with him.

Well, he got wind of it... and he wasn't adverse to the idea. Now, he's talking it over with me, seriously. And it doesn't sound like as good an idea as it did before, to me. He admits that he loves me more than he does her, and I, though it seems selfish when I think of her, actually... don't want to share him as much as I thought I did. He's talking about the future possibility of us being swingers, and I go along with it because I do love him... but how do I renege on my promise never to be jealous?

Jeez, and all this hitting me at junior year of high school...

06:15:23 PM

it was by mere chance that he was put next to me in the seating chart.

it was by mere chance that we happened to greatly enjoy each other's company.

it was by mere chance that i fell in love with him (and he still doesn't know it...)

so then, when the new semester came and our teacher told us we could choose a new seating chart, she thought she was doing us a favor. but it didn't turn out that way for me. after all, if a guy&girl voluntarily chose to sit next to each other, they would be subjecting themselves to all kinds of false assumptions&gossip.

so there he sits. a full 25 feet away physically. yet mentally i know that he is now too far away to get back.

06:10:03 PM

i hate you and your stupid poems.

they aren't deep or angsty: they're manufactured, plastic tasting, FAKE-ANGST so that you can pretend to have problems so you feel like a quote unquote teenager.

just suck it up. you live a nice happy life. deal. you don't need 'issues' to have friends.

02:10:29 AM

Monday, January 30, 2006

i feel more comfortable around adults than around teenagers. people my own age generally make me really uncomfortable. i feel like they have so many expectations of me, and that i'm letting them down by not fulfilling these expectations. with adults, it's completely different because they've finished being teenagers already. it feels like i have too, most of the time. i just feel so much more mature than most people i know. not to be conceited, but i also feel like i know more and understand more things about the world then them. i wish... for a lot of things, but mostly for someone who understands this feeling of being older than other people my age. it's lonely.

11:35:52 PM

I'm going slowly deaf. few know. most just think i'm not paying attention when i don't hear or am clueless or something. i'm afraid of what they would say, but i'm also afraid of losign friends by not being able to hold a conversation or get in to a good realtionship. i've had hearing aids since i was in 1st grade, but i always take them out before i get to school. and now it's getting worse and it might be affecting my grades, but i can't admit it to anyone because of my goddamned pride. and now it's too late for anyone to "get used to it." i hate it! and i'm sick of machines in my ears and how they look! i just want to be normal and this is just one thing to many. god. dont' they have surgery for these kinds of things?

11:15:07 PM

Short story entitled "The Lock and Key Theory". A little too angst to submit to anything, but now here for your critique.

This is how beginnings are started:

She watches people race by beneath the giant pendulum, and she counts the seconds and minutes that pass by, her youthful time unspent. She watched him walk by, hunched over, at a pace slightly slower than the others. Her eyes follow him as he turns the corner. These were the things she couldn't -- and wouldn't -- understand; they were inexplicable and illogical.

She turns to return to her work, piling day by day upon her desk; obligations unwanted but slowly whiling time away. She turns back to feelings of familiarity instead of unwanted insecurities that would plague her at times like these.

This is how insecurities bloom:

She doesn’t know what to do. She finds her eyes unwillingly trailing his motions, awkward as they seem. Her friends catch her doing so and she cannot disregard them. He is a nobody, to her understanding, but seems to be everything to her. She's caught in-between time and space, enraptured with the sight of the otherworldly angel caught in turmoil ready to take the dive, the flight into the unknown, the oblivion.

This is unwanted and awkward confrontation:

He catches her in the library. The angel without wings turns and their eyes meet. She cannot turn away. They wait like this, minutes and hours confusing each other, until traces of Aurora threads weave through the brightening sky. Dusk into day -- it's quite simple now, the congregation of space and time and everything else in-between. The pendulum stops swinging, but only for a second. But words -- answers – usually superfluous, are naught today.

This is their congregation of time and space:

They don't see each other during the quiet weeks as peers but as strangers. They coexist without speaking and share the tiny world they live in. They do not speak.

She observes him and takes note sometimes, writing down in her perfect cultured handwriting that he regresses slowly as the pendulum swings. His limbs, typically slender and sinewy, have gone limp. Her concern for him grows. Her friends do not utter a word upon glancing at her face.

This is the realization:

She encounters him one day. Trapped within a corner, he is a wildcat. His gaze steadily holds her. Blue meets brown. There is a silence for a moment. He turns his head to leave, and she wonders—this caged beast, trapped within bounds, completely unapproachable by society’s standards-- if she thinks about it long and hard, there is a metaphor staring at her in the face and it all makes sense.

This is wrong:

They continue to talk in muted tones and shifty eyes. Should someone see them would the reaction be an enactment of chaos? Speaking to each other in hushed tones as if the world outside is silent. She knows she is a coward.

This is the end of their beginning:

They both are cowards – turning back to an enclave where neither can be found. Where people turn their backs and overlook their differences. But they turn to face the severe light, glaring at them with its evil eye. Too many people, a hundred against one, predator to prey. They're vulnerable. The walls are quickly tumbling down.

This is the end in which all things spring:

They part their ways. Neither looking back to the place where all things originated: where insecurities will lie forever dormant, where a secret can be kept and an oath never broken. Remorse and regrets tossed aside into a gale, a whirlwind of emotions. Society frowns down upon them.

This is coincidence, chance, fate at play:

They're back where they started. The red string of fate has knotted them together. Pressures rising, soul escalation, nerve endings electrifying and senses on overdrive. In a broken world, divine interventions are only cracks and minute dents; they bear no positive effect except to exist. In a broken world, where fate frowns upon them he will take the dive. And she? She will go after him.

This is the intervention:

The pendulum stops swinging for the two. It is a cruel cycle that both should want to abstain from uttering a word in order to save each other in front of the world.

This is the end of their storybook.

… Now all things fall into place.

10:03:57 PM

To be honest, the only reason I'm dating him is because I want to be in a relationship with SOMEONE.

09:53:51 PM

I'm not supposed to be out after dark, but I was.

08:29:57 PM

I finally got a car!!!!!! I haven't been this happy in for-frickin-ever!

06:13:48 PM

1. There's nothing wrong with being a brown-noser, which includes being a rat. Now, if someone's cheating, I don't say anything generally. If someone's skipping a class, I don't say anything. But if I think there's some benefit for me in telling on another student (a new curve, I don't get in trouble as a result, etc... then I'll do it.

2. I dislike being overweight. I wish my Total Health Triangle were more balanced.

3. I often regret being a guy who likes guys. And I often regret the fact that I regret it.

Okay, so, that's my life. I'm a pretty happy person overall, there's a lot more that could be wrong with it :D

...and more than half the time I forget to think about this stuff xD

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Considering the recent formation of Enloe's "honor code committee", I've decided to write an honor code of my own. Please add, edit, and share.

-The Real Student Honor Code-

The Cardinal Rule: Unless someone’s well being is at risk, never turn in another student for breaking a rule. Ever.

Put your fellow students first in all situations, then teachers, then administration.

Always give your friends information about an upcoming assignment or test unless specifically told otherwise by a teacher.

Always let someone copy your homework if they’ve let you copy their homework in the past.

Cough when someone’s cell phone rings in class. You’re not fooling anyone, but it’s still fun.

Never tell a teacher that a student you saw in an earlier class is skipping.

Sneak underclassmen and people without lunch passes off campus as often as you can.

Don’t plagiarize blatantly. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

He who collaborates gets an A.

Ignore class rank. We’re all in this together.

It will all be over soon. Make the most of it.

10:39:21 PM

I've decided that the worst feeling in the world is that of frustration.

1. Don't lie to me.

2. Do your damn job.

3. Don't put all this stress on me, because not only am I finding it ridiculously hard to deal with, it's NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.

4. Since you're doing nothing, I would appreciate at least getting all the information I need to do it for you.

I hate people like her. I hate that she can't do a job that she has been assigned to since school began, I hate how I was put in charge of an offshoot of this whole thing, and I hate how I'm basically running the whole damn thing. I honestly cannot deal with this right now. But I don't have a choice.

09:39:09 PM

Dear --------,
I have never written a love letter before. I have always found them sappy, cliche, and weak, and I despise weakness in myself. But I have never been in crush/love (when does it cross the line from having a crush on someone to secretly being in love with one of your best guy friends?) with someone so much that I have cried knowing that between a relationship that will inevitably be temporary and a friendship that keeps me sane, I will inevitably chosse the friendship. I hate crying. But I do so, knowing at that for one moment...[specific detail]...I have been in crush. There have been people whose mere presence made live worth living the way yours does. There have been days where the absence of other people has dulled life, made it suddenly boring and pointless the way your absence does. But I have never written a love letter before. I just thought you should know.
Your friend,

09:25:42 PM

I'm kind of glad he punched me in the face.

That whole "I don't hit girls" philosophy is kind of whacked anyways.

09:01:39 PM

I dive... Everyone is skinny at my practice except for me... I feel so awkward standing next to a tiny girl on my team who is a junior, been diving for only 2 years compared to my 3, and who kicks my butt every meet.. I'm a disappointment to everyone when I dive. My coach thinks I'm crap, Lisa the diving coach for most of the county says I think too much (she's right) and my team is constantly berating me.. I'm just so sick of it!

/diving rant

08:34:41 PM

Usually I write things like this in my journal that I love oh-so-much, but I have decided to share this maturing experience with you all (seeing how everyone here is of an understanding nature).

Catharsis. Literally, just what I went through. I had a talk with my dad and it enlightened me to many of my faults. Now, you must understand I usually never manage to subject myself to my father's scrutinization, because I generally like to keep my business to myself.

But I feel as if I have been thoroughly scrubbed, cleansed, turned inside out and upside down, and then given a list of things I suck at.

Lately I have been very stressed and severely disappointed in myself. I've been feeling oppressed, depressed, and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation. The first real relationship I've had in a long time sort of went down the drain, I somehow managed to suffer through my first half of the year with one B (which, in enloe terms, is insufferable). I have had a short-temper due to the tension built up around me, somehow managed to acquire this perfect perception of myself in my mind, and created a facade that no one could penetrate.

At that point in time I decided that I was living a resume life. My entire life could fit into one 60 kb document and it was the saddest realization I have ever had (which, believe me, are quite numerous).

In my anger and tension, I managed to push away many of my long-standing relationships with people and with someone who could've taken a vital part of my life. Him. But instead I ended up dumping all my crap on him at the end of everyday. And, in that way, I managed to push him away as well.

However, my dad said something I could actually agree with (shelving my pride and dignity, for once). With two words, you can ruin a relationship that took many years to build. And, unlike time spent smothering yourself in your own agony, it is hard to regain the trust someone has vested in you.

I have spent too much time concentrating on myself and what I want, I didn't even realize I was taking out my anger and frustration on the people closest to me. In essence, I became the one thing that I d: a cold-hearted bitch.

I owe everyone an apology. For being so immature, for thinking that looking successful on my resume would make me look successful in the eyes of the friends that I exiled, for hurting people, for hurting myself... I will no longer make false resolutions such as redeeming myself. But I can try. I have been floundering, I admit with all sincerity.

I thank my dad for taking the incentive to tell me this. I was lost, will be lost for some while to come, but I believe I have changed.

Never allow yourself get so caught up in being yourself... you may just let oppurtunities, friendships, emotions, your own humanity... slip by.

08:17:26 PM

Ayn Rand is a copycat!!!

see social darwinism and Adam Smith

07:02:01 PM

A good way to find out what changes you should make in yourself, is to think of the one compliment that you wish people would say about you but know they probably never will.

For me it's "He's so amazing, he does everything." Someone said this about my Grandpa once, years ago, (he had a jazz band, cooked, played the stock market, owned a garden supply store, built cars from scratch, worked with nuclear scientists during WWII, and on and on) and I want more than anything for someone to say that about me. I'd better get started.

06:49:57 PM

what if i don't?
what if you're wrong?

03:59:07 PM

He thinks so high of himself, with so much pride... so stoic, so driven. He masks his emotions so skillfully that houdini would be astounded. He's hurting himself as he does so. For what he doesn't realize is the one he loves most is not the one he says. He shouldn't hide his feelings from himself anymore.

Because she has always been his from the start, but she doesn't fulfill his quota.

Why deny it any longer? She was always his number one priority, so why does he deny it?

02:20:19 PM

I think I am becoming addicted to giving Anilingus. Somebody told me that it's mainly a gay mens thing but I only like doing it with girls.

12:54:15 PM

I hate writing prose because it always ends up as fanfic for my life.

01:47:54 AM

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Prom is approaching way too quickly. What's a shy guy like me with a huge crush to do?

11:53:39 PM

I derive too much pleasure from popping my zits in front of the mirror in the morning. Or the afternoon. Or the evening.

Am I just gross, or do other people share this habit?

11:05:50 PM

I was gonna write a poem for ELO, but it got too angsty, so now it's a Tangsty poem, I guess.

well, it was winter
(dawn, one morning, and i was
eleven. it was saturday)
the hard-slant rays were
cold and golden and they
made blue shadows… darker
than black somehow

i saw my dog lying, sleeping?
no, she was not sleeping
i slid over the grass on my knees
still conscious of my new khaki
pants and touched a flank
with black-gloved hands

i must admit i was little
expecting to see death but a little
curious to see it too—I was so
young then and the glassy eyes
were more beautiful... than painted
marbles, but i could feel the cold
through my glove. so terrible
i screamed

o, i screamed! and my voice
cracked with pain and cold and
puberty and i could hear the footsteps
of my mother on the back deck
(still in her multi-colored curlers, a
magenta nightgown, her glasses on).

and as i looked back at her
i felt her relief that I was not hurt
it was just . . . my . . . dog
how i hated her, then!

This is the weirdest feeling ever.

It's like when I run 7 miles, and once I stop I feel like I can run 80 more miles, but if I try it instantly becomes hard...

except it's with thinking. I'm just staring at things randomly.

Thanks SATs.

Somedays I wonder if having friends is even worth it. With all the times they hurt you why not just stay to yourself and be a hermit. I'm terrified of hurting the ones I love, it's just my personality.. but what am I suppose to do when the ones I love hurt me? Just sit and take it?

11:01:38 AM

I always wonder how much time I would save if I never looked at porn or masturbated and what I'd do with those extra hours, but I've still never seriously considered stopping. Where do you draw the line between a hobby and an addiction?

01:51:40 AM

Friday, January 27, 2006

its getting close to midnight on friday night. i'm tired. i'm exhausted. but i really like how life is going right now. except for one thing.


first week back from exams, and there's already so much work. its going to be a long nine-weeks.

such is life.

11:42:59 PM

Wow, it's 11:34pm and there are no new Tangst posts. I feel like we collectively failed.

11:35:12 PM

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I am like a horny fish. Only I am a horny person. I need someone to be my lover. I am a girl. I need a guy. Or a monkey. Please be my friend.

11:11:12 PM

How much wood COULD that woodchuck chuck?

10:24:29 PM

I get the feeling that far too often do people not take me seriously, and that far too often I give them plenty of good reasons for that behavior.

I wonder, since everyone thinks I'm an idiot, am I?

09:40:21 PM

I, at a visit to your site, read the pleas for enlightenment on the subject of philosophy, as well as the discussion about ID.
Although I perhaps am not qualified to suggest this answer, being from a significantly different locale, I will walk into the agora of Socrates nonetheless.
You create and govern your own reality through reason. You may percieve the outside world through your senses, but the way you choose to interpret the outside world literally holds sway over all of your reality, which is different from anyone else's.
Years ago, people believed in ghosts as an explanation for phenomena around them. They would point to events that were cohesive with this theory, and ignore those events that went against their theory to the point of oblivion. Are the laws of physics any different in their purpose?
We believe things to be true because our reason can affirm their validity. Our faculty of reason is what dictates how we understand the world, and our perception of reality completely depends on reason, and not so much on our senses.
If you choose to believe that God or philosophy exist, then they will.Your reality depends on nobody but yourself, and if you allow these concepts into your reason, then they will appear in your reality.
Choose wisely

08:35:44 PM

my names jared

07:40:59 PM

hey hows it going

07:40:40 PM

To my secret love

Jenny was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen,
And I wished that someday she'd be mine.
'Cause it was like dacin' throgh a heavenly dream
Just to look into her deep blue eyes.

And the sound of her laughter was church bells ringing,
and bluebirds singing in the spring.
And every time I saw her my heart would flutter
Like a butterfly on the wing.

Jenny was the sweetest girl I ever loved,
And I secretly hoped she loved me.
Because having such an angel from heaven above,
Was almost too good to believe.

And the sound of her laughter was church bells ringing,
and bluebirds singing in the spring.
And every time I saw her my heart would flutter
Like a butterfly on the wing.

This is for all of you out there who are loving (or being loved) in secret.
Hopefully the day will come when that hidden love will be revealed, and the joy will be worth the wait.

And for Jenny, the one secretly loved: If only I could tell you how I feel inside. I sit by, watching and waiting, always wanting to speak the truth but never able to. Know that I will always be there beside you, supporting you through good times and bad, weathering the storm with you, waiting to tell you the truth.

May faith keep you all, and forever hold the magic of your minds.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

It's gone from bad to worse. Used to be that I just secretly wished she might die, now I am feeling the stirrings of a distinct urge to kill her myself. Through any means neccessary.

11:36:46 PM

I don't "get" philosophy. I mean, why waste time thinking about issues that you can never actually prove when you could be out living your life? (this, by the way, is a plea for enlightenment)

10:33:53 PM

So, I often make up fake worlds using real people inside my head. I wonder how freaked out some of them would be, or if they ever do it to me.

09:30:12 PM

Does anyone find it a bit ironic that the Big Bang Theory is a very convincing argument for intelligent design?

I love you

09:55:39 AM

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Whenever I read "Everyone will know who this is" or "I'm giving myself away with this, but...", I realize exactly how anonymous this all is. I go to Enloe and have probably met most of you at one time or another in real life. But I have never been able to figure out who any of the Anonymouses are, unless I've been told about it in person.

10:55:49 PM

C. S. Lewis described the Law of Undulation in his book The Screwtape Letters. It is proving itself very true for me.

10:33:29 PM

I'm giving myself away with this post, but too bad.

Have you guys heard of the teenage boy who's being charged with second degree murder because he supplied the drugs to a girl who died over an overdose?

Yeah. Think of that next time you decide that doing drugs is so damn cool.

10:32:30 PM

Sometimes, I close my eyes in the hallways, just so I won't have to see the world around me.

08:48:04 PM

If everyone's just a "stupid poseur" then who is the real thing?

08:15:24 PM

One of my best friends had an eating disorder and used to self harm. I lived with her for the past year. I put up with everything, I helped her with everything to make her feel better, I even prevented her from commiting suicide. Twice. I ruined a whole school year because I missed lessons to stay at home with her, scared she would kill herself, or shopping cause it made her feel better. I spent loads of money on food, transportation and all that just to make her feel better. I don't regret it because she's better now. She eats normally and doesn't self harm anymore.
But when I go to visit and she says
"I know I used to be self absorbed. And I thank for all the people who really helped me... like my mum and my boyfriend" and I'm not even mentioned... well, that really pisses me off! That b*tch (not that I mean it when I'm not mad)! Her MUM doesn't know half the stuff she did... her boyfriend doesn't know either, and if she's still with him she can bloody thank me for it... but no... apparently I don't deserve acknowledgement for everything I did. It's like it was my JOB to do so. To ruin a whole school year just because I cared about her.
And she didn't even thank me for the presents I gave her last week. No form of thank you. Not even a hug or kiss on the cheek. Ungrateful b*tch. She can bet I'm not helping her anymore. F*ck her. She can ask her MUM and her BOYFRIEND for help.
P.S.: Her mum and her boyfriend are great people and I'm not mad at them by any means. Just her. Because I care about her. And she doesn't care about me.

07:36:55 PM

I lie a lot. It’s like an addiction. I can't stop. I lie about everything - for attention, to cover my flaws... to stay out of trouble, to get out of situations, because I'm lazy... it’s a real problem. I wish there was a rehab center or something... because I am losing the truth in the lies, losing my self... lying without hesitation... its bad... very bad...I need serious help.

07:00:15 PM

i'm hardcore, all of my friends are hardcore

but they don't know i listen to *gasp*...Madonna


i think i would die of embarrassment if they found out.

11:57:37 AM

this is a map from the underside of my left wrist to my left elbow:


a year ago i couldn't understand why someone would ever do that to themself. now i understand the meaning of: "and you bleed just to know you're alive"...

11:39:07 AM

Sometimes I cry to make myself feel more human. Or alive. I can't decide which.

12:08:59 AM

Monday, January 23, 2006

For a hopeless romantic, he sure doesn't make much effort as far as "just because I love you" gestures.

11:32:25 PM

I think a glass of cool, not cold water is the most comforting thing in the world.

11:30:50 PM

Some of you know who this is.

I saw a doctor today who told me that at the age of 16 my peculiar mix of horrible family history and my own bad eating habits have led me to a place where I am highly at risk for heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, and adult-onset diabetes.

At 16. Not at 50.

So now its excercise or die, if I may wax melodramatic. (When it's life or death, melodrama is always within one's bailiwick.)

10:13:04 PM

Oh, god, I am such an idiot. I am stupid fool.

stupid stupid stupid.

WHY AM I SO DUMB? I just messed it all up. I'm sorry. I can't even look at the mirror anymore without feeling ashamed.

Why do I mess everything up? just when things were floating along nicely I had to poke a hole in the proverbial ACME inflateable raft of my life, just to see what the ocean floor looked like.

why, why why why why why?????

10:10:38 PM

A Quaker church was spreading information about non-violence at an anti-recruitment booth at a local Florida high school, and what does the FBI do? They send in operatives and wiretaps to monitor their meetings, /obviously in the interests of national security/.

Someone dare me to get anti-recruitment posters approved by the administration for the next time we have army guys visiting. I'd love to hear B-Choch's response.

08:23:47 PM

i'm so so SO angry at my mom right now and i don't care that this post isn't interesting or specific or anything and that nobody's going to comment on it, i just needed to let some anger out by a different means than punching a hole in the wall.
i hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her
she sucks she ruins my life i wish she would go away
lkfgvjna;d bnm

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i hate her.
thank you tangst for that free therapy.

06:37:51 PM

That's it, guys. The Wikipedia entry for Tangst is finally gone...

04:25:20 PM

I wish all the stuff i say on my blog was true (I make it ALL up).

Anonymous (the official poster named anonymous that is)
03:50:24 PM

The only time I have ever truly had thoughts of murdering someone was last night.

I found out that one of my best friends was repeatedly raped by her half-brother for years.

I have never met him. I pray I never do.

02:04:27 PM

Can I suggest
that you invest
in something more
than hopelessness
before you learn that
the ride
is over

01:05:18 PM

I'm not a nympho, I'm just in love... I'm not a nympho, I'm just in love...

I wonder what my friends would say if they knew that their little demure virginal friend... wasn't.

12:44:45 PM

Last Night I Swore I Saw Myself In The Gravel


The slick slip on the tip of your tongue
Tapping your teeth
The taste of love on a cold city street

Everything is over when the sidewalk loses its substance.

Sweet respiration
After a night’s desperation
Find salvation in penetration

Lovers always linger at the train station.

Flickering street lights
Cut through the black
Like a butter knife

Spread the rumor with a bang.

Just remember that it’s best executed
When your thumb is folded
Back into your hand

12:39:01 PM

From previous comments on posts:
"I hate your guts"
"You're an ignorant fuck"
"You sick fucker"

I could go on...
This sure makes me feel comfortable posting my honest opinions and feelings on here, knowing that there's a change that I'm going to get insulted. Good job, guys.

11:39:32 AM

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I hope you realize how much torment you're causing me each day.

10:37:07 PM

Jake Delhomme is a fucking retard.

Oh, wait. That's not a secret.

10:04:23 PM

my old school is asking for "alumni" to write statements and share a few memories. How do you share a few when that school changed your entire life? how do you share a few when living in India (so much for being anonymous) was the best thing that ever happened to you? How do you condense everything you learnt, everything that had an effect on you, and everything that has made your life better into a few sentences? how do you thank every person that made your experiences, and hence your memories, just so much better?

09:13:12 PM

I can't decide if it's sad or not that three of the posts on the popular post list are mine.

08:41:21 PM

A two part poem, I wrote this when I was feeling particularly exultant and arrogant, and it's an exercise in rigid rhyme and meter. If I were to title it, I would call it "Iambic Tetrameter, Bitches."

O, through the pine-wall'd corridor
Where never man has walk'd before
(except for one last happy night
so long ago), and where no sight
of man is seen, or woman seen,
among the needles evergreen:
that is where we two now must go--
through silver barks and hostile snow
drifts (some are piled five foot high)--
until at last we touch the sky
and you and I become, as God!
The rulers of this earthly sod!
There in the holy sacrement
our days eternal shall be spent
and all shall fear our name.

The sun burns high in firmament
An eternal stalwart testament
That sends each ray of light between
The cells of all the grasses green
Helios, omnipresent eye,
You make your route across the sky
And tell me that if I would dare
To look through daunting solar glare
That I could grip your solar flare
And take the rider's fiery chair

But where then would your horses go,
With master whom they do not know?
They’d snort and toss and roll their eyes--
For to me love or me despise--
Or perhaps all things would go well
And with my exultant heart would swell
To look from thence and see the ground
While flying the whole world around
And in my ears the mournful sound
Of glowing angels rustling gowns.

What changes wrought upon my stop,
Which would I find were made atop
The world, upon that golden seat?
Would people I met in the street
Back away from my transcendence
(Moses’ face, out of God’s tents)?
It would be trite and so mundane
To return back to earthly plane
and rendez-vous with shadow’s stain:
The sons of Seth, Abel and Cain

I know I need to see a shrink about my co-dependancy and depression, but I'm afirad that if I do I'll be told to cut her off, and I can't live with that.

06:57:51 AM

I hate it when I start crying because the reality of life hits me.

I was so close to telling him I loved him. I mean, he knows I love him, but until recently, I'd never been in love with him.

He'd been waiting for me for months, maybe longer. He'd talked to my best friend about how much he loved me, and I never knew until after everything was over.

And now I can never tell him everything I know because I'm too afraid of messing up his life. He's happy now and I have to live with it.

I hate having to plaster a smile on my face when I see them together.

I hate that she's everything I couldn't be for him.

I hate that this is so cliche.

I hate having regrets.

12:55:56 AM

She doesn't understand why I'm jealous, she doesn't understand why I'm upset... from what I've heard from her he's everything she could ever hope for, I'm sure she'll be very happy with him... He's everything I'm not...

12:44:02 AM

I hate the fact that you can't express sexual dissapontment without making yourself an asshole.

12:28:40 AM

Saturday, January 21, 2006

At least I can be consolled because the people I like aren't going either right?

06:49:39 PM

My hair is cut.
My shoes a' shined.
Eve'body ready?
It's pahty time.

06:06:11 PM

So, um....I'm never going to Georgetown.

04:12:30 PM

Anyone who knows me can pretty much figure this out, so it's not all that anonymous.

But fuck I hate politics. I hate working in local politics anyways. Sometimes I wish that me and all the nice productive people could go to our little utopian island where we can shoot at the asshole blowhards while they float on a raft in shark-infested waters.

04:03:04 PM

Vagino-centric chivalry pisses me off big time.

There are millions of girls out there that expect doors to be opened, chairs to be pulled back, and hats to be tipped in their direction with them doing absolutely nothing in return. Maybe that made sense back when women couldn't have jobs, drive cars, or lift heavy objects because of their corsets, but nowadays it's a moot point. Equality is a two way steet. You can't have it both ways.

I open doors for people when I see them coming behind me as a rule, but the only way I'm going to run to open doors for every girl I see is if strange women are also running to bake me cookies and hem my pants.

01:48:08 PM

I see Christ working through you. Bummer you're agnostic :(

09:38:00 AM

I was watching the music video for "Dirty Little secret" by All American Rejects, you know the one where post-secret suppied postcards, and I saw one of the actors holding the postcard I sent in.

04:03:05 AM

Alright guys, so here's some weird thing I've noticed.

It seems that almost every girl I know had some sort of good/best friend before middle school, but during middle school they both had a fight or developed irreconcilliable differences and had a falling out and no longer talk to each other.

Maybe it's just confirmation bias, but is this true for most of you?

I fucked my neighbor's dog. I enjoyed it very much.

12:15:21 AM

Friday, January 20, 2006

"“the farmer theory”

and, how many days has your
socialite hand flourished?
black fingernails have found their way into
your breast pocket;

the rustic-plaid flannel
with ragged holes on the elbows
has endured all your
cadaver mistresses, one
by one.

and oh,
whatever happened to your
stoic nature?
epicureanistic tastes overwhelm me

this frame
black & white--
you add red.-and white.-and blue.

personable natures are so alien in your bubble and you don't know how to cope.

maroon petticoats flash
above my knees,
and your geisha
-hungry ice-eyes forget your place.

i like to paint my fingernails black.

what do your all-american levi's think of that?"

I didn't write it, but it made me happy on this night of all other nights. It just goes to show that some days, when you're so lucky it's unbelievable, you can find something worth reading on FictionPress.com

11:04:05 PM

The girl you see on the outside is just a shell. Sure- I'm the girl who looks for the good in things. I'm the girl who's never pessimistic. See whatever you want. But the girl on the inside is in agony. She feels cold and morose. She longs to seclude herself from the world around her. She need to dwell on what has happened to her family and to herself. She misses how things used to be and hates the way I have become. I only see this girl whenever I look at a mirror. Or a photograph. Or a friendly face.

I hate my past. And she hates me.

I also miss her, I think that's why I keep her around. She keeps me company. I'm afraid to let her go.

I try to keep my chin up, but the rain keeps getting in my eyes.

10:47:28 PM

I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

05:22:33 PM

Why can't he see how perfect we'd be together?

05:12:26 PM

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Eating meals with girls is so much more fun than with guys.

Almost as fun as with my brother.

Kind of sad how the more enjoyable they are the less I have.

a little rose petal for your bedside

Nocturne for a Soprano

It's not my heart I feel in my throat
Whenever you deign to glance
On a lost companion --
One of better days.
Instead I feel his liver
And bilious anger coursing through
When we have all found our way...
Will we yet remain lost too?

I, child, am in the proverbial candy shop.
Discouraged by my elders
From sampling the goods arrayed above
Stacked haphazardly on translucent shelves
They smell so sweet, perhaps just a taste...
But I am commanded to refrain.
Would the best man try this well?

Every childish misconception
May never be erased.
I spoke to Pan on the subject
He said that time is not given
By the alligator's clock.
But it is given by sweet needles
That thread us to our shadows.
Will I ever find a shadow?

Shall you dream about
What you will never be allowed to touch?
The choicest morsals
Are out of my reach - forever.
But sometimes our lives last longer.

Your judgement is not wanted
But still I understand.
Our roles are not so laid out,
That we can shift the duties around.
But sopoforics are recommended
Whenever I step lightly.
Whole lives concealed in a single wor(l)d.
You conceal them too.

The childish sadness descended
"He cries at the strangest things."
The thought of every day
Brings a bone-weariness
Exhaustion cannot be tamed -
It finally re-asserts itself,
The earth begins to slip.
But who can blame such a one
Weren't you ever hungry yourself?

all you tangsters seem so much wiser than other kids our age. so i wanted to ask you:

how do you define "being in love"?

i think i am (or at least was) in love, but everyone else my age seems to think it is impossible to fall in love when you have only known the person a year and you are only 15. but what i feel for this guy is not just a crush or lust, i feel like we have this really big connection, and like he is one of the best people in the world.

someone please explain

08:20:15 PM

For he whose name was writ in water

" A quarrel in the streets is a thing to be hated, but the energies displayed in it are fine"
-John Keats
Alas, Grecian urns are forever more cursed
to be fated with the same avaricious consumption
as the Potter himself.
How fickle is man to boast his origins of clay.
And still how radiant that earthen odor is to he who knows
not yet his beast is broken.

Alas, the astral titans grow weary in their chambers
Begging for a banquet of sound to satiate their solar tongues.
The stardust of their gardens blinked their way
and the silence screamed in violent contortions
the void shrieked (with heart of harpy and health of dove)
Through stalwert and stoic labor pains

I am in love....

....with a blog....

....a blog named Tangst.

I would not be alive today if it weren't for you guys.

! <3 † @ π G $ †
06:16:58 PM

i know i am thin, i know i am healthy.

but that is not why i don't eat breakfast, that is not why i always "forget" my lunch, that is not why i do 200 crunches everytime i slip and eat a piece of toast.

i am anorexic because i am a control freak, a perfectionist. i feel like it is the one thing where i have absolute control. why can't you understand that?

06:10:08 PM

Wait...do we have school tommorow?

05:49:50 PM


haha I thought it deserved a post in big green letters!

Congrats, guys! Exams are finally over! Now for the hellish wait for the results.

02:26:03 PM

No fourteen-year-old should know how to deep throat.

01:33:22 PM

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I have a blog, it's secret. I also read other people's blogs all the time but pretend not to.

09:47:48 PM

Last night I was reading through this thing I wrote when I was in 6th grade (and I wrote it solely for my own enjoyment, not for any assignment or anything), and one of the things that really struck me about it was when I said:

Things I think would make our country better:

Anti-Gay People Laws! No more gays!!!!!!!

Anti-abortion laws!!!!

To quote Jeph Jacques of the venerable web-comic Questionable Content, "If irony were water, this blog would be Lake Michigan."

I got drunk at my ex's house... Now she might be pregnant and I know if she is she won't get an abortion. I'm trying to get her to put it for adoption, but thats not what worries me... I'm in love with a girl 1200 miles away and I can't stop worrying that she'll up and leave the second a pregnancy is offical. I mean, she said she would stay but... I just don't want to loose her

04:45:15 PM

i am a 15 year old girl, i don't go to enloe. if guys could post a short reply to this it would be great.
i was just wondering....
is it more appealing if a girl:

1. a)is shy&polite or b)is loud and talkative?
2. a)has brown hair or b)has blonde hair?
3. a)wears noticeable makeup or b)looks clean&natural?
4. a)dresses slutty or b)dresses cute?
5. a)plays easy-to-get or b)plays hard-to-get?
6. a)tells funny jokes or b)says suggestive things?
7. a)is a good friend of yours or b)is "on a pedestal"?
8. a)talks to you about deep, thoughtful things or b)talks to you about silly, amusing things?

if you could just post with answering either a or b to each one, that would be great =) thanks

03:30:22 PM

Congratulations everybody, just one more day.

03:06:13 PM

My mother doesn't like him, I can tell. (She may even know, by now.) I love him, and I love him to the point where I don't care--this is amazing for me--what she thinks of him, I will be with him.

I don't want this to turn into Romeo and Juliet (due in no small part to the fact that they committed a double-suicide at the end of the story), I want my parents to love their future son-in-law as much as I love him! But they don't know him, they don't trust him. How can they? He swooped down into their daughter's life and changed things forever.

I don't know if they realize just how much he's changed their daughter's life. How he makes me want to sing whenever I see his face. How I long to be with him, every moment of every day. I don't know if they realize that their daughter has fallen in love, that their daughter has found her One.

And that finding her One has given her something she never had before: reason to disobey them and the backbone to do it.

01:38:23 PM

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I wasn't quite as icily strong as she was, didn't take my leave, write my exhilarated message on the statue in bright red lipstick (I don't wear it--chapstick only goes so far for graffiti), jump into the plane. I wasn't as brilliant as she was, to know what she wanted (though I did) and stick with it all the way through. I slipped and forgave (is that bad?) and pretended to forget (ignored his looks, his sighs, spoke behind him, not to him).

But I left him there all the same.

And I waited (though I know she didn't) to see what would happen. Ready to take it back, in an instant (I'm not her, I'd cave) if I thought the wheels would crush him.

But they didn't.

One Eddie Willers saw the two beacons of the train's lights, and stood up, and walked away.

Dagny hugged her knees to her chest from behind the computer monitor, reading the words of elation, and felt herself smiling.

Someday, he would be another girl's Galt.

My best friend just had sex. With a freshman. Who has a girlfriend that he's cheating on with two other girls. She says she "loves him more than anything else in the world"

and I want to smack her teeth out of her face.

I don't want to be this angry at her- but how could she be so stupid! I hate having to be the always caring best friend. Now it falls on me to comfort her for her bad decisions. It's -MY- responsibility to make sure that she feels ok.

05:58:36 PM

oh no! the Tangst wikipedia entry is up for deletion! we mustn't let this happen!

03:13:18 PM

ok so she doesnt like me...should i just give up?

Iced T
03:07:33 PM

i'm in love with him and he doesn't know it. i appreciated him before anyone else even gave him a second glance. i was his friend, the person he could always trust, the person he could laugh with for hours. and now this past week,SHE, her perfect, popular, way-better-than-me, self has decided that she likes the guy too. guess who he picked?
he never even notices me anymore. life sucks.

10:57:10 AM

Part of me wishes that my family would have stayed in the States.

I love my country... Incredibly beautiful, friendly, fairly open minded...

And yet even as I'm about to graduate (with decent/mediocre marks), i curse the substandard education i received here.

Lotsa love from the Great White North.

Where an A is >86%...

01:25:22 AM

Monday, January 16, 2006

Aw, Wiki makes me sound shallow

04:55:46 PM

I've noticed that certain immensely popular posts have been left off of the tangst popularity hall of fame. /Hm, I wonder why?/ Nonetheless I demand an explanation from our moderators. We should keep it fresh in our minds if only to prevent that kind of fiasco from happening again.

02:34:44 PM

I'm sick of all the reminders that we're "just friends." I know they're unintentional, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

12:37:20 AM

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Hell yeah for getting kicked out of two bookstores and almost the mall. Gotta love Tizzy's class. :D

09:49:25 PM

I sing to myself as a distraction to make myself feel better. I do it all the time. Like instead of dwelling on the fact that I got a horrible grade on a test, I just hum to myself on the way to my next class, as if not thinking about it will make the problem go away.

07:57:13 PM

Saturday, January 14, 2006

i was in the parking lot when
Armegeddon came and you were
gone. everyone was suddenly
gone and where the sound of cars
had been there was nothing but
the sound of crickets.
i was left alone--
the king of the parking lot:
my paved pavilion and the stately
pruned trees watched my parade…
until the sun began to rise.

i fled into the grocery store and hid
beneath a yellow can
of green peas
the silver-fish befriended me
and spoke to me their little language,
(it tasted like pinto beans)
their life span was short
so i was their god eternal
but when the sun went down
(and they died)
i went back to the parking lot

years had elapsed beneath
the green beans
and sprightly pine trees
were pushing up through the cracks
the deer crushed them! crushed them all!
on their mad stampede to get to Me
{their yellow eyes were rollllling
and i admit i was afraid
until they nuzzled me}.

redeemer, they

i plucked out their soft gray
tongues and ate them
what delicacy! in the parking
lot and Me alone as the king of

The last time I cried was when I read the sixth Harry Potter book....I probably won't cry again until the next one comes out.

09:29:17 PM

He said she might be pregnant. I promised to be there for him, but part of me just wants to run away from real life problems.

06:48:29 PM

I see no reason to keep trying with this whole "life" bit. Failure seems to be compounded by failure until the whole thing falls apart like perforated toilet paper in the rain.

06:06:47 PM

They were right... it sure does hurt the first time.

04:35:07 PM

Friday, January 13, 2006

my dad smokes pot, and let me tell you, it is NOT cool, so why are people always so lighthearted about drugs? it ruined my life, even tho he is not abusive and now my parents are divorced. i'm so happy becuase my mom is going to start dating again, but how can i tell my dad that i want him out of my life? the hard thing is, i still want a dad, and he's the only one i have...

08:32:44 PM

Dang. I don't check the tangst for a day, and I've missed so much. And then I comment on the old posts, and no one ever reads them again...sad. I guess you have to do this thing religiously, or not at all.

Secondly....I feel like maybe 1/4 of tangsters are gay? Um...is this correct? Maybe the gay ones just post alot? Hm. I don't really know, but all this about "hey, it's great you're coming out and all"...mmm, lemme just put something out there.

I realize that Enloe is probably the most liberal school in the Wake County area. However, that does not mean that every student agrees with homosexuality, or even thinks it's ok. I am one of the students who strongly disagrees with it.

Usually, I find strong resistance to my beliefs at Enloe, however I always state them because I think it's important to hear all sides of things. So, because there has been recent posts about guys w/ guys etc...and possibly someone coming out? I'm not sure, apparently the tangsters know this kid and I really am just really really lost, so...

But I just wanted to put it out there-don't get stuck in your little world where everything is good, and everything is right, including coming out and deciding you're homosexual. That's a false world right there and eventually, you'll have a run in with reality.

I understand that we want to support everyone on tangst and all, and I'm not degrading whoever may be gay, or what have you. However, I just don't want the impression to be that everyone is fine with decisions like that. Because that is simply not the truth.

(P.S. I know this post will probably get a lot of crazed liberal responses....however, I would like to ask that you keep the criticism polite, if anything. Thanks anyway.)

12:43:34 AM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I'm so skittish that I can't listen to Night On Bald Mountain in a dim room late at night without getting scared.
It's a piece of orchestral music and I'm an idiot.
(Mussorgsky isn't, though. Love. Love.)

10:28:38 PM

I wish he'd hug me. I want to know if I'll feel just as safe as when it happens in my dreams.

07:38:15 PM

I wish I were brave enough to do all the things I dream of doing.

07:16:25 PM


Yes, you. You -know- you have exams tommorow, what the heck are you doing putzing around on the internet? You should be ashamed. Don't you care at all about your future? Get back to work. You heard me, go!

05:42:41 PM

In the past two days, I have contributed to the running of two red lights on Peace Street.


03:14:06 PM

Hello from the wilds of Colorado!

I just wanted to know, what do you guys (Enloe types) think of Colorado? We have our own set of stereotypes about East-Coast people, so what do you think of the West Coast in general?

The Watcher

02:22:10 PM

I am a failure.

09:02:22 AM

I love Tyler forever....I loved him since I was 8 and now im 13 almost 14 I dont know what to do...any advice send a email to Sady_lady27@yahoo.com ..thanks!

12:39:32 AM

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

So tired.

11:42:43 PM

Whether they've gone off to college, you've stopped calling, or you simply no longer say hello in the breezeway, give a moment of reflection and rememberance to the last friend you've let slip away.

11:31:47 PM

A word of warning: A girl recently has randomly informed me that she's had a crush on me for a while now. I was /pretty/ good friends with her but this was completely out of the blue. I just don't see it going anywhere. Now I've been avoiding her like the plague (I actaully ran from her before she saw me this morning) becasue I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Before you go out and reveal those deepest desires, weigh the odds and use extreme caution. Do you really want to risk your friendship?

09:06:46 PM

i breathe, eat, and sleep college apps.

08:21:02 PM

... like you have so much to live up to that you have no choice but to keep building up the walls around you.

sometimes it's too much.
sometimes you want to give up.

but you know you can't.

08:18:58 PM

I'm kind of embarassed I've been so obvious on here.

Being a guy and liking guys is not cool. It leads to negative stereotypes about weakness and femininity that I find despicable. I hope people don't feel that way about me. What if they think I'm a Daniel W? Ugh...

I guess most of the time I don't care what other people think, but my secret is: sometimes I do.

I've developed a random and intense crush on one of my good guy friends. We've known each other for years.
So now what?

04:18:26 PM

I'm using a school computer to post this while I should be working.

01:11:13 PM

i love him. i can make him laugh, i listen to him when he has to talk, we share the same opinions&sense of humor, we have so much fun together.

so why am i just "the friend" and she is the one he has a crush on?

11:58:22 AM

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"Well, if she is not lying and she is not mad, then she must, logically, be telling the truth!"

...but the problem is, he may be lying, and he may be mad, and I act as if he is telling the truth, anyway.

10:55:12 PM

Sometimes I get hit on by gay guys. Honestly, I'd give the guy on guy thing a try if it wasn't for the whole... another guy's penis thing. Bareback Mount... I mean BROKEBACK Mountain anyone? (Yeah, you'll know who I am if we've discussed this... figured I'd give Tangst a go on it).

10:18:49 PM

Last weekend at the mall I was approached by a representative of the John Robert Powers Modeling Organization. He wanted to know if I was interested in being a model of any type- or had it at least crossed my mind.

I gave him a dissapointed look and told him that being told what is and is not beautiful about my body is not my idea of fun- and that I want to be appreciated for something more than just what I appear to be at a glance. He of course gave me a "that's ok- we're about more than looks- we have scholarships etc etc" and I eventually just walked away.

I'm proud of myself.
But there's this one little voice inside of me that says I just missed an opportunity that could have changed my life- and I'm an idiot for not at least trying it.

I can't tell my friends because I'm afraid they'll just agree with the idea that refusing was a mistake.

08:01:40 PM

I sort of wish some amazing, fabulous, and kind girl could materialize in my doorway right now. And not just somebody that says "hi" and leaves, I mean she's in the doorway because she wants to be with ME. Ready? I want it to happen... now!... Now!.. Er... now now now? No, I suppose not... and while I'm at it, I'd like a pony.

07:31:47 PM

Monday, January 09, 2006

Although I have sexually 'experimented' I am basically a straight male. I prefer everything about women apart from one thing -I find a nice penis much more of a turn on than your average vagina.

11:05:20 PM

You're obviously "out of my league", but you know what? I'm still gonna crush on you like there's no tommorow.

11:03:16 PM

I lie on college applications.

10:45:15 PM

Why can't I stop living through this vicariously? It's fucking stupid. My day was great, and now my throat's too tight to speak.

09:31:29 PM

so basically everyone is going to know who this is. i don't care.

i hate swimming simply because i have to be seen wearing a suit and nothing else. I feel so fat and so undesirable and just...gross when i'm around them. because they're all really skinny...and i just...i'm not. i feel like they think im disgusting. and when friends come to my meets i feel fat around them too. not to mention i feel ugly because of my wet hair and goggle marks. life's a bitch sometimes.

08:13:57 PM

Ah, I lost.

Woe is my life.

Ahem, I mean. Yeah! Go team! Woo... hoo?

Ah, screw it.

We fear the dark for we do not know what lies behind its veil.

But why do we not therefore fear the light, for those in the dark can clearly see you.

05:25:56 PM

I love your blog.

04:09:44 PM

My grades are dropping. Im supposed to be headed for college in august, every second i am filled with terror that Ill be revoked. I have a D for a semester grade. I am terrified. I am terrified. I am terrified. I am consumed.

03:06:20 PM

Take careful note of the time of this post. I am /still/ working on an English essay. I could have been finished hours ago but I can't let myself dissapoint him.

02:08:36 AM

Sunday, January 08, 2006

last sex-driven poem for a while, i promise. i'm just in a hormonal mood, i guess.

i cannot imagine that this is
eden, or that you and i are
both adam, because although
we took (stealthily) from the
hard wood tree at the center
of the garden there is no eve
to tempt us with her curves
(no eve on earth, despite how
much easier it would be to love
her, that feminine softness who
makes me gag)

eden was the place where time moved
too quickly, and here it is stopped:
despite how we arch our backs in
orgasmic pleasure we never produce
anything but dust. the rest of
the world moves
onward with production
but we are alone here in the

oh god
i breathe (god took enoch, and enoch
was not. but when you take me
violently, then I AM)
and as we approach the rapture
i bleat like a sheep (goats
go to hell) i bleat like
an animal
will i go to hell?
that's what
we're told
did adam go to
heaven? probably
not. and he had

Eh, I got a little rushed near the end. I don't like this one as much as my last one. My secret is: sometimes you just gotta get these out.

EDIT: I changed some things that bothered me about this poem.

Two AIM windows are open on my computer now...

In one, we happily, dreamily discuss our future together.

In the other, I blandly tell her not to die.

I will never go back to that place again, where she is now; I have him to keep me from there.

10:34:42 PM


I have lost all pretenses of subtlety.

10:11:26 PM


I understand why you did the things you did.
All of the things.

We don't want these feelings to open up again, do we?
It's just for a moment after waking you hope the dream is still real.

Because at that point I still had some hope, maybe.
It's just ironic that after so many differences we were the same on that one point.

I'm writing a novel, you're sort of in it.

Some amazing woman needs to come along and teach me how to dance, because I'll never be able to do it alone.

12:54 PM

So I've been thinking lately that when a Webster's dictionary or an encyclopedia upgrades, everyone switches additions if there's something new. Perhaps you don't buy the knew one in interest of money, but we still use the same rules.

Then I was thinking, isn't Islam like Monotheism v3.0?

Christians are lagging behind a bit, and you jews, man you guys are like dial-up.

12:47:45 PM

So your body is a temple...

Your yawn beckons a chasm
(No doubt the queen of darkest alleys)
And utters a sleepy spasm
From your lungs and pagan valleys

Where apathetic are the saints
Who worship what each idol paints
I have never been moved by any a sermon
Of second hand grace
And communion bourbon.

This isn't a secret or a confession. It's actually an inquiry. The post directly below got me thinking about how many people outside my group of friends are aware of this site.

You guys don't have to indulge me, but I'd like to know who actually posts on here. So if you post, or even if you're just a reader, leave a comment with your name. Don't say which posts are yours, or what your alias is. Just your name, as a comment.


P.S. For those of you who read my blog, yes, I finally wrote the confession celebrating the 300th post.

Ok, first of all, I feel like all the people who post on this site are sort of in the same group of friends? Is this correct? I dunno, but I'm just absolutely sure that I'm NOT and I was wondering if the whole anonymity thing is real, or just kind of pointless b/c everyone knows who everyone is anyway?

My tangst is whether or not to tell him. This has been going on for years now. Telling him could ruin things, even our friendship. But then again, not telling him could do the same? Or, maybe just ruin me. I'm really lost here. Andddddd he's not really the "communication leads to a better relationship" type person.


02:33:53 AM

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Story of my life...

Open Heart

by Kris Lynn

If life's so full of changes,
Why does it always stay the same?
I wanna get out, I cry for freedom,
but I'm stuck in this place I hate.
It's the Truth she's against,
but it's me that she's trying to break.
She is blind to the fact
that our friendship is at stake.
I put myself down,
cuz that's what I've come to know.
If these things aren't true,
then why does she tell me so?
She ridicules, she brings me down,
My emotions run on high.
To the point where in my mind,
I think of taking my own life.
I fight myself and flush the pills,
but then hate myself still, even more.
How could I have come to this place
I've never been before?
Even to this day these thoughts
still enter into my mind.
There's days when I look in the mirror,
and hate is all I find.
Thoughts run through my head:
"I'm beautiful. Why can't anyone SEE?
Will I go through this life without
anyone to love ME?
"I'm searching for someone to love me,
JUST the way I am.
I need someone to listen,
but also understand.
I know that I am young
and have so much more to learn,
But I want someone to HOLD me,
yes this is what I yearn.
All of you cynics out there,
I won't mention any names.
You are probably laughing,
'cause you think that I'm insane.
But YOU grow up without hugs and kisses,
and tell me YOU don't want,
Someone who will hold you tight,
and tell you that you're loved.

Kris Lynn
11:25:15 PM

I have no desire to date a girl, it would be ideal to just fuck her when I want and never have to talk to her. Dating is only a means to an end. There I said it.

10:29:56 PM

Is it crazy to want to be somebody's best friend just because you read their Tangst post(s)?

09:25:50 PM

the summer after 7th grade i met this girl. before i knew what had happened, we were going out and doing all this shit and i thought it would last forever. i really thought i was in love, in a 13-year old kind of way. at the end of camp, she had to go back home and i had to stay here. we promised to stay together and see each other next summer, but within a few months she stopped talking to me. she wouldn't email back or get on IM or answer the phone or anything. i haven't spoken to her since. i've been thinking about her a lot lately and it's really hard not knowing why it happened. i haven't gone out with anyone since, i'm almost afraid to. i don't want to get hurt again, because i'm still not over her completely. i've been trying to find her online but nothing comes up. thus is my tangst.

07:40:40 PM

Friday, January 06, 2006

People whine about how hard Enloe is all the time and I am sick of it. The kids who complain about the difficulty bring it on themselves. They are so worn out because they have no social lives and needlessly spend all their time on school work.

11:36:56 PM

Right now, I don't care what the future brings for us. I let out what I was feeling and I feel liberated.

11:30:45 PM

What Causes Cold?

Welcome, children,
You’ve made it to the world.
But I’m sad to say
That all the autographs have faded
Off the walls.
All the tomes
That you picked apart and analyzed
Were based upon the theory
Of The Loss of Innocence.
And, children, now that you’re here,
You can lose that innocence again
And again and forever.
It’s hard to find what’s lost.
And I’m sorry to say
That all the photographs
Have evaporated up
From their slots on the walls.
Oh, but don’t fret.
The beautiful people,
They still exist.
But you should hurry on up
Before their frail frames die.
Will your end be the same?
Oh no, don’t ask me,
The decision is yours alone.
Just don’t search for salvation in yourself.
You’ll never find the stamina
To be perfect.
I’m sickened to say
That these ravenous ghosts
Will never cease
To search for and strike at your senses.
You see, the weather report
Isn’t the only reason that you shiver.
Do you know what causes cold?
It’s a lack of heat.
Warm up the world, please.
The sun can only shine
On one half at a time,
And while you bask in the sun’s light,
There will always be another child
Saying prayers in the dark.
I’m sad to say
That Marie Antoinette
Didn’t really let them eat cake.

11:29:35 PM

Let me do it my way...

Disclaimer: There is at least one out there who wants to know who I am. Until now, I have been unable to let them see. This post might just reveal who I am to that person, but I am past insecurity. Enough lies have been told already. I just ask that person, if they know who they are, to forget everything but what is here, on this site.

"If you stop, and think, you'll see it."

And now on to my evening angst:

Earlier this year, I lost a very dear family member.

I am greiving, I promise, but just let me do it my way. I don't need you helping me. I am going to get over it eventually.

*the disclaimer and the angst are directed to two different people*

so midterm season is beginning.

he came over but laughed
do you even take biology
he said and i said
but ive studied some with
you and i think ill really like
he understood--pulled out his

we opened it slowly
trembling hands at first
and oh it was warm and soft
the soft warm soft knowledge
of biology
was at our fingertips
and we were (are)
so young
i began to pump my hands over the
pages and pump faster and
trying to rub the information out
of your
biology book

i still didn't understand but
suddenly (so suddenly)
it hit me! from behind--
BAM i understood
and the knowledge came
and came inside of me
(it was the shape of an
amoeba, simple protist)
i laughed (weakly) and said
i thought we'd read
some more of the book before
it just
me like that (from behind)
sudden knowledge can hurt
but its a good hurt
and we lay in the warm after
noon after
glow of our sudden knowledge
of biology

and you were a man
and i was not
quite a man (but i
wanted to be, believe

so, here's my angst: i still really like my exboyfriend, i know he's already over the break up, but i really regretted breaking up with him. so i told him, and he doesnt return the feelings, which sucks a lot, but i hope it will be ok...i'm just not sure how i can be normal with him right now, because it still hurts a lot. and i'm really hoping to hang out with him and maybe one day we can start over...? [that's just what i hope could happen] i know it's bad on my part for even breaking up in the first place, but i had a huge stressload and just needed a break, and he took that as "it's over" so right now, i just feel bad. and everytime i see him i just want to hold his hand, kiss him, or hug him or something, but i can't...what's worse, is that he's going to the winter formal with someone else. fuck.

and i know that if i keep talking to my friends about it, they'll just feel like shooting me, or change the subject, or get annoyed, or worse. i just want to get this out of my system to something that will listen to me and read my comments. because i know my computer wont get mad at me for this.

03:51:07 PM

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Even though this isn't my poem, it's still my secret. I was happy when I came across it. This is an excerpt from Blue Spruce by Mark Halliday:

Secondly,--and here's the real charmer
among the attractions of verse:
it's so much easier to write than prose!
Poets don't admit this, of course,
and why should they?
If they're not going to get paid
they should at least be allowed to
milk the public for a little respect;
and in this country people respect work
That's right, I said work,
and no funny business. So a versifier,
in order to win any lasting respect
(beyond the glow of a few chuckles)
has goot to seem to labor.
Yet the secret fact of the matter is,
as indicated above, that verse is no sweat
relatively speaking; because

you don't have to plug all the holes;
in fact you're supposed to
punch out
new ones;
you can leave loose ends dangling
over the
kitchen table,
your lover's
parent's lives,
and people accept them as part of your game.
In verse there is no final judge,
and they know it, and you know they know it, and as long as you tie up every fith string,
rougly, your readers and your listeners will imagine
that some of the four strings
are probably tied up, and who knows which?
Oh, it's a fine life, this making verses;
in poetry the freedom is a blast.
("Blast"... do I mean that metaphgorically?
do I intend some ironic overtone of explosion?
Or is blast here simply a colloquial term
which I resort to for a touch of comic relief?)
Just leave them baffled
and they'll treat you right!
It's so easy when you get the knack,
I could die laughing about it sometimes--

(And there's more, but I'm probably too long already. Anyway, I feel like this a lot.)

11:39:01 PM

I hope when I stare, she doesn't notice.

11:07:15 PM


I despise Environmental Science.

Quoted from the Enviro text:
"By far the best ways to reduce one's risk of premature [demise] and serious health risks are to (1) not smoke, (2) avoid excess sunlight... (3) not drink alcohol... (4) reduce consumption of foods containing cholesterol and saturated fats, (5) eat a variety of fruits and vegetables, (6) excercise regularly, (7) lose excess weight..."

Wow, I've been getting it wrong for YEARS now. I thought that drinking, eating fried lard, gaining 100 pounds, and baking in the sun for 12 hours straight every day would help me become a healthier person. I ask myself... why am I taking notes on this? This is possibly the most obvious passage I have ever read.

And this makes me want to burn this book: "However, the most important good news each year is that about 99.1% of the people on the earth did not die."
Are you kidding me? I wish that 50% of the world would die each year. (Perhaps not 50%, that might be a bit much.). But I mean, if part of the curriculum you want to relate to your reader is that it's the year's best news that the human race hasn't ended... WHY ARE YOU PUBLISHING TEXTBOOKS??? DAA!

I know perfectly well that I'm completely unworthy of being loved and that I wouldn't know how to respond even if someone was so blind as to have affections for me.

But I'd still like to be loved by someone.

09:23:49 PM

what the hell is wrong with me?

09:16:29 PM

Yesterday I say you looking at me the entire period.

I hope you weren't trying to be subtle.

07:28:22 PM

Even though it happens rarely, and I'm no longer five, it still scares the shit out of me when my dad has a meltdown. He ends up doing things like calling my mom a "stupid bitch".

07:19:18 PM

A Hymn for Lost Love, Found Again

As I was out walking, one late lonely night,
Looking for something like love,
A beautiful Lady appeared by my side,
With a loveliness dreams are made of.

She looked in my eyes and she saw through my mind,
She said "I know what you need,"
And she held my face in the palm of her had,
And whispered these words unto me:

"I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take."

She drew me down softly and held me so close,
it was almost a dream coming true.
But as we lay queitly in each other's arms,
something was missing I knew.

Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said,
"If you want all that love can be,
Then just as I've given myself unto you,
So you must give yourself to me."

"I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take."

I woke with a start, in the depths of the dark,
and I found it was only a dream.
Then I realized, as I looked in your eyes,
You were right there beside me.

We were all linked in a loving embrace,
You and the Vision and I.
And I swear by the lesson I learned in my dream,
I will love you like this 'till I die.

I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

All for the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

Here are more words:

"And All Participles Will Grow Weary and Stop"

My pupils have shrunk to a size reserved
For polysyllabic units of measure
I am not paralyzed with fear- this is a
Comatose tragedy
The air sighs relief having dodged screams afire
I am terrified
I pray to anything pure of this life
That I will not falter
Through the floorboards of this remorse
And I shudder to discover
That this pen now
Fails to grant me solace.

06:26:07 PM

They're trying to fucking kill us with all of this work. I'm dead serious. Or maybe just dead.

06:13:00 PM

I'm starting to think he might be the only one.
I fucked up big time.

05:36:35 PM

I sang your songs.
I danced your dance.
I gave your friends all a chance.
Putting up with them,
wasn't worth ever having you.

03:59:37 PM

He will never love me. I'm just not that person to him.

01:23:12 AM

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

People think I smell like pot.
Yet I've never even touched the stuff, and I think drugs are disgusting.
But people think I smell like pot.

11:07:43 PM


11:02:19 PM

I told him and he said he understood.

I hope he doesn't feel like I'm leaving him in front of a train.

10:15:00 PM

Unfortunate Lack of a Poem

I will write on the sky,
With stars for a pen.
I write on a scale
Unknown to mortal men.
I write Homer's Odyssey,
Along with other epics.
Stories that give insight to readers.
I write about the adventures of man.
Stories that give God-inspired motion.
I write about two people.

I write how the with stars in her eye,
Smiles and manages to shiver my spine.
But the smile is not the story here.
There is no romance, she is no Juliet;
It's been twisted and broken since first we met.
It won't matter at all in the long run of things.
There'll be no reminder men eternally sing.
On and then off…
Perhaps it will never
Mean that much to you, reader of these letters.
And you won't understand why it matters.
With this preface, I give a caveat.
This poem will waste your time,
As it has wasted my heart.
You'll lose your place,
You'll put the book down.
Reader beware, there's no story here.

I cry as I write because I know it is nothing
There was no love, or even seduction.
But you won't cry, the story is not sad…
Because there is no story.
There is no epic.
There is no love, there's no affection.
There are only these thoughts of a lonely boy.
Sitting alone they get out of control.
And the love that he wishes for so much.
Is a stake in his heart as he sits with his pen.

I write on a heart
With flames for a pen.
With hopes it will cauterize,
And the love there will end.
I write a simple ode,
To a wonderful .
A story set in early October.
I write about trees weeping,
Losing their leaves.
I write about two people.

One of them is me.

She's dead.

I didn't have time to know her, to love her like I should have, and now she's gone, never to come back.

Death is not an issue that we should have to deal with. Don't the powers that be understand that we have enough stress already without having to deal with grief, both ours and others'?

Why was she taken now, when our love had just begun?

"And with a final word of torment the body became but an empty vessel, the spirit to fly forever into a world of paradise beyond imagination."

Farewell my love, and may your spirit forever fill me with your memory.

05:37:31 PM

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I have found, not quite a guardian angel, but a mentor. It's really awesome to have someone on your side.

10:48:54 PM

I'm not sure what's more upsetting, the feeling that I'm falling in love with him again, or the thought that I may have never stopped loving him in the first place.

10:43:59 PM

A Good Knight’s Ideal

I’m as sleepless as the New York skyline
And just as weary of the morning fog
Oh! But what an entrance for a sun such as the one outside
The mercurial urbanity of this place will soon be lost

The sun only leads to pale moonlight
So your glow may be glorified throughout the night
And the snow only falls, knowing ahead,
That your brilliance will transform it to dewdrops instead

I will discard my Yankees cap for a tophat
And my scrawl for the cursive
That echoes your curves
I will be the smell before rain
The calm before the storm
A good knight’s ideal
The silhouette of every good thing that has graced this earth.
But never for myself
No, never for myself

08:55:41 PM

Now my "Stop" Poem:

Ions, none, and metal burns
it’ll take your tongue
and leave you with nothing
no hydrogen or hydroxide
in selfish stability
Ionize, ionosphere, and hear the northern lights

If my tooth fell out
would you make me drink vinegar
and would it mix with the blood
like static electricity, electro! negativity
e=mc^2 and the theory of relativity
I can taste the vinegar on my tongue
faster than the jump of an (synapse!) electron

We’re all just byproducts of
our constant, ceaseless entropy
we’re screeching metal. rock and dirt
and to dust we will return because
the universe hates the taste of metal
but loves it when electrons jump
into an early grave.

08:44:02 PM

Is there any way to lock "Share A Secret" at the top of the blog?

Because I really hate putting in a post on top of it.

03:49:37 PM

Contented with little yet wishing for more...



04:20:44 AM

Monday, January 02, 2006

His ex saw him through harder times, and she still loves him, three years later.

She deserves him more than I do.

09:13:20 PM

i have 3 friends. one's a girl. one's a guy. one's me.
girl likes guy1.
guy2 also likes said guy1.
guy1 likes girls.
sucks for me.

08:45:40 PM

My First Post of the New Year

Greetings to all in the New Year. Hope everyone had as safe a travel as I did.

I have a question, or a request for advice rather.

How do you tell someone that you love them, I mean truly love them in the depths of your heart, that you can't think of anything but her when she is with you, when you're not sure she feels the same way? What if you're afraid that the relationship you have now will be ruined if you've misjudged her?

I'm caught here, friends. Don't know if the risks outweigh the possible benefits, but she's all I can think about.

Maybe she's out there and she's reading this right now, not having any way to know that it is her I'm thinking of. If so, I hope she'll leave her ideas here, and look for me.


I get upset if I have a physical and my favorite underwear isn't clean. If doctors are going to invade my privacy, I might as well look good while it's going on.

02:15:51 PM

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I just thought I would give you a poem to think about

Trip's Contemplation
She laughs, she moves
Bright lights flash the window
Illuminate her lips
My heart, for a moment, leaps.
She pauses and she smiles.
I miss a beat.
We go on talking, we're having fun.
Our life together has just begun.
How cute when she speaks.
I know that she'll always make me smile.
That 's eyes tugged at me that night.

We walk up her stairs.
She begins to hypothesize.
On things of unknown importance.
Her stance suggests my hope
Her easy glance.
She reaches down and touches my hand.
All the scenarios never equated to this.
I pause for a moment and believe.
Life is love, it isn't pain.
Everything in the world is right again.

or is it...
reality hits.

I'm as always, all alone
Bright lights blind me, remind me
Illuminate the empty seat.
An empty place inside
Like a mouth poised to devour my heart.
I'm just driving, no emotion.
Block it out ****(my name), too much pain.
What could have been... stop.
I can't express the pain inside
I try:
grinding gears, acid-etched, destroy my heart.

I walk to my room
Blurry-eyed imagination of a never-life.
Never knew how much I wanted this before.
Her smile.
I reach up and wipe encroaching tears.
For years I've wanted that
Times before, disappointment.

Happy New Year.

Jay Ho

11:28:32 PM

this has as much meaning &/or significance as you give it


11:20:18 PM

te gusta la verga reinita?

11:12:52 PM

I knew it would happen eventually. But knowing that he's happy with someone else hurts so fucking bad.

10:13:17 PM

i have 3 friends. one's a girl. two are guys.
girl likes guy1.
guy2 also likes said guy1.
guy1 hasnt come out yet.
sucks for girl.

08:01:22 PM

I just read my best friend's journal.
It was about she has a crush on a girl. and a guy.

Oh shit, what do I do now?

05:52:47 PM

I am so fucking jealous, and I promised him I wouldn't be.

02:05:45 AM