Can I suggest
that you invest
in something more
than hopelessness
before you learn that
the ride
is over
Anonymous
01:05:18 PM
Post anything that you want - a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Post twice if you'd like. And then share the site with your friends.
Can I suggest
that you invest
in something more
than hopelessness
before you learn that
the ride
is over
Anonymous
01:05:18 PM
Published by
TintedFragipan
Tags: advice (given), poetry
6 comments:
A short poem that would be INFINITELY better if the word "that" was not on line 5, in my humble opinion.
It took lots of self-control not to delete it while moving the poem from the comment to the main site.
hmm, but matthew it does lead to the last two lines having 2 words in each. Sort of finale "The ride..is over." Also if the hopelessness line was a little long it'd look like half a xmas tree.
And I assure you sure, I invest in optimism. It's points have been dropping lately, but I'm sure they'll rise again soon.
but the "that" breaks the rhythm, Chisnell!
it's "telling, not showing" it's a "blah word" that detracts from the lofty abstract concepts like investment and hopelessness and makes the metaphor of "the ride" too commonplace..... eeeee, maybe you're right. But I don't think so.
Also, you broke my anonymity so I broke yours back :P
Wait, pchis had anonymity? When did this happen?
Anyway, I agree that the "that" may be a little superfulous, and the poem would work perfectly well without it. Still, a nice little piece.
...and I happen to know, TintyFraggy, of a certain red-haired lavender octopus who would be very angry at both of us for deleting a "that."
The idea, anonymous the first, is that even though everyone knows who I and PChis are, it is not to be said. You can't break the unspoken fourth wall of secretness.
Post a Comment