Last Night I Swore I Saw Myself In The Gravel
Click-click.
The slick slip on the tip of your tongue
Tapping your teeth
The taste of love on a cold city street
Everything is over when the sidewalk loses its substance.
Sweet respiration
After a night’s desperation
Find salvation in penetration
Lovers always linger at the train station.
Flickering street lights
Cut through the black
Like a butter knife
Spread the rumor with a bang.
Just remember that it’s best executed
When your thumb is folded
Back into your hand
TransferStudent7
12:39:01 PM
6 comments:
This poem would be better with meter, however, I like it.
I like this poem a lot, I don't really understand why.
It's very meaty and the whole thing is nearly onomateopia.
My favorite stanza is:
"Sweet respiration
After a night’s desperation
Find salvation in penetration"
I think I just like how that rolls off of the tongue SO well.
Let me be the first to say... transferstudent7, your ink reads well.
Or lack of ink, as it were.
Anyway, Dr. A, I think that rolls off "the mental tongue" well because of the rhyme. However, like I said before, it's hard to read aloud because there's no meter when it begs for one.
As commentors have mentioned, this work slides off of the tongue with ease, yet at the same time reflects a very creative and deft control over word choice. Last night I swore I saw this poem, forgive the pun sir, though I know you would appreciate it more than most.
Your ink reads well.
I could easily see this being a song. Like Tinted said, it doesn't work quite perfectly when spoken, but I see how, with practice, you could make it okay. But as a song... this would be simply amazing. I love both the word choice and the subject matter. And yes, even the rhythms, especially on "The slick slip" stanza.
Reminds me a bit of TS Eliot. (That's a big compliment in my book)
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