Saturday, March 31, 2007

AP tests are six weeks away and i'm ALREADY freaking out.
help with bio?
p.s. i am the worst junior ever. even though i'm not really, i just feel inadequate compared to all of the crazy smart people i hang out with... i'm way too much of a slacker/procrastinator.

06:19:00 PM

I think the amount I post on tangst is inversely proportional to my amount of real life angst. A lot of things are bad now.

i need to start a new life.

12:15:00 AM

Friday, March 30, 2007

Whenever you're bathed in light,
it will forever remind me of this night.
God laid me down into your rose garden of trust.
And I was swept away,
with nothing left to say.
Some helpless fool,
yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace.

Come to me; love will lead us.

11:33:00 PM

[Admin note: "Dolphins Cry Chords" by Live]

this has been a very bad day,
My friends have denied me
I have failed myself, and my potential
My future looks quite dim when it was once bright.
All is for naught and I'm just a little person in a big cold world.

10:51:00 PM

No Stanford for PChis.

7 more minutes :-)

02:08:00 PM

agh why wont you tell me if i got in or not.

12:25:00 AM

Thursday, March 29, 2007

everyone join Sparta day

10:48:00 PM

Only 8 more periods.

08:23:00 PM

What are the odds of being wait listed at three different schools? Fuck it all.

I would rather die than have Alzheimer's disease. I hope I'll remember that.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

DAMMIT! Is Draco Veritas not availible anywhere? I gotta get my free internet HP Cassie Claire fix! And she's left Schnoogle since I read the first two in the trilogy! AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGH!

06:57:00 PM

soccer season starts today.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm :]

06:54:00 PM

Congratulations! The Admissions Committee and I take great pleasure in offering you a place in the Duke University Class of 2011. We are delighted to give you the opportunity to become part of the Duke community.

Anyone else?

06:07:00 PM

Turns out the man was right all along:

"Its not a cry that you hear at night, its not somebody whose seen the light, its a cold and its a broken hallelujah"

12:35:00 AM

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

...I just want to believe in us.

01:08:00 AM

Monday, March 26, 2007

every time my bf and I hang out, we spend the majority of the time being physically intimate. it's fun, but I wish sometimes that we could control ourselves long enough to have conversations, do other things, etc. looking back, it seems sort of hollow.

any suggestions?

08:57:00 PM

anyone know how to check a status on a unca application?

06:11:00 PM

I need to talk to my best friend, but she's not around when I really need her.

04:55:00 PM

It may not be my dream school, but I am SO excited to know where I'm going to college.

04:33:00 PM

after closing down at work at night, i go outside and start acting like im texting, so when my associates pass me by they'll think im important.

for once i wish i actually had someone to text.


12:44:00 PM

Everyone around me is in a relationship except one friend of mine. That's complicated because he loves me and I don't love him, (which is stupid because he's a nice guy and all, but this stuff is supposed to happen, not be forced...) and now apperantly so much as agreeing to hang out with him now is 'leading him on'.

The person I do love just got a girlfriend last night to match up with all the other 'friends' who all hooked up over spring break and never told me about it.

Thanks guys.

I deleted all the information off of my facebook, removed my aim profiles, privatized every livejournal account.

I'm going to dissappear off of the face of the planet socially.

...and none of them are actually going to notice.

11:23:00 AM

My friend told me that she liked him...but I don't know how I can stop...because I'm falling into him and I don't know how to pull back out.

01:34:00 AM

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Hey guys
What turns you off?

Yes I do realize there are lots of different opinions.

08:56:00 PM

i love him. why is that so hard to admit? maybe because he doesn't love me. well sure thats nice thats really nice. to let someone love you but you not love back... thats like letting someone buy you a gift and then you not giving them one. ok so maybe he loves me just a bit but we will never mesh again. nope never. then why does it feel like we are still in love but without all the good stuff?

08:14:00 PM

I stuck it in once and then I pulled it right back out..."no" I told her, not without a condom.

I now there's not much risk in pregnancy, but exactly how small is it?

06:24:00 PM

I suppose, even after all of this time, I'll always be at least a little bit in love with you.

And...the fact that you missed me made me ache with happiness.

I thought I didn't care...but I did.

03:58:00 PM

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I worry about my ugly friends and that no one showing an interest in them yet might be an indication that no one ever will.

I want to have faith in their good(ish) personalities and intelligence but it is not easy.

01:40:00 AM

Friday, March 23, 2007

I hate situations where everyone seems to know someone there, except me. I feel that im connected enough to see The social life i could have but im just not able to reach out and grasp it.

10:54:00 PM

two drums and a cymbal fall down a canyon

*Ba-boom chhss*

I love band kids.

10:17:00 PM

So ive enjoyed the single life for awhile, its fun, because i didnt have to feel like this.

(I also didnt know what you felt like...that changed)

So we've been talking for months, its great, the saftey of never having to look a confident in the eye.

(but of course when we did lock eyes it was obvious who God gave first pick too, at least in the eyes department, and to think i was on this bouncing ball before you were)

So you were always the first to break the conversations off, sleep, you said was of high importance.

(And I swear after sleeping with you its gained a few notches on my ladder, yeah we didnt go beyond eachother's warmth, i didnt think to venture until later)

So I asked you then, when the lighting was just right, and we were both comfortably in bed "If i kissed your lips, would you slit my throat?"

(Yeah its a morbid sense of humor, and a lovely band allusion, and you did give me the answer I had been praying for....if only you gave it to me a closer....then 659 miles away.)

Ive learned from my mistakes
(i think about them enough)
You told me afterwards i needed to stop playing it safe
(little late for that eh)

I apologized.
And told you that you had to understand that
You burn so bright
For so many...
I have to be so very very careful with someone that beautiful.

forgive me.

02:17:00 AM

It is 1:47 in the morning. I have less than two pages written of my six page DBQ worth three test grades.
I give up on junior year.

01:48:00 AM

Thursday, March 22, 2007

I'm gonna stop obsessing over you, stalking you, delighting in your every flaw and cursing every positive trait you have. I'm getting help from a psychologist soon. Nobody knows I'm so pathetically enslaved to comparing myself to you, trying to surpass you in every field, trying to prove to myself that I'm at least your equal if not your better--when I've never even met you face to face!--and hopefully, no one will ever know. I'm ashamed of this, it's ruining my life, and I'm gonna try to stop it.

10:06:00 PM

A boy called my house today to ask if you have a boyfriend. I told him no then hung up the phone.
Why doesn't anyone ever ask that about me? And if they do why hasn't anyone DONE ANYTHING?!
I'm sick of being single.

06:23:00 PM

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

how far is too far when flirting with a guy friend who has a girlfriend? i don't like him like that, it's just fun. but i don't know how much his girlfriend would like it.

08:37:00 PM

I'm crying because of a complete stranger.
He masturbated in the seat behind me at the movie theater.
I should've punched him.

06:09:00 PM

I read all the articles about the Wakefield HS drinking scandal, just so that I can sigh at the end of the article because your name wasn't there.

I miss the days when we were best friends, and I miss the days when I heard from you.

I hope you haven't gotten stupid in high school. I don't ever want to read your name in one of those articles.

05:35:00 PM

I didn't believe in true love, I still don't believe in it as far as mutuality is concerned, but I do believe in one person's ability to love truly with the complete fullness of one's soul.

I think I was really, am really, and maybe will always be in true love.

I'm not that young, I'm not without experience. Older friends of mine are already getting married, starting out in promising careers, moving on in life.

It feels like I've already lost The One.

02:49:00 PM

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Honesty is rarely the best policy.

10:32:00 PM

I cheat.
And I don't feel bad about it.

06:27:00 PM

"And life is for the alive, my dear, So let's keep living it --!"

--Sweeney Todd

PS: COME SEE IT KTHX. And listen for my terribly exciting part--I play the linnet bird. :D

I'm worried about you. Get better, please.

10:30:00 AM

Monday, March 19, 2007

Thanks for playing pretend with me today. On a more real note:

a thousand times, I LOVE YOU!

Hopefully our secret identities will blossom a secret romance. Or a real one if I'm super lucky.

11:36:00 PM

I hate girls (and boys) who are overly romantically sensitive and think that every single boyfriend (or girlfriend) they ever have must be the one they're going marry and be with forever and ever. They post grotesque make-out/dry sex pictures of themselves all over the place as if it's some gorgeous new phenomena. They become one self-centered blob, sucking on each other every where they go, even the principal's office.

Please grow up and get a hold of yourself. I know what falling in love is, and it's not whatever the hell you're doing.

11:18:00 PM

u are taking my best friend to prom

why the hell isn't it me?

u don't even like her

10:15:00 PM

He is two years younger than me... so wrong... but suddenly it feels very right. Please help me, I feel kinda pedo.

10:14:00 PM

i can't tell you what i did or else i'm scared you'll never want to speak to me ever again. i'm stupid, i fully admitt that, and i'm sure that if i lose your friendship i'll lose everything that is keeping me here.

10:13:00 PM

These lyrics remind me of you:

"She's the kind of girl who gets her slings and arrows from the dumpster
The kind who tell you she's bipolar just to make you trust her
She's the kind of girl who leaves out condoms on the bedroom dresser
Just to make you jealous of the men she fucked before you met her"

I wonder if you know who you are.

09:36:00 PM

I had forgotten how good multiple orgasms were...

04:17:00 PM

In that dark room I lay on your chest and listened to our heartbeats together that one last time. Our breathing grew quickly together, too, together. From the shadows I watched the graceful arc of our dreams as they fell.

I was calling down those stars. In my blindness I thought I saw a way clear before me. From a distance I couldn't see the horrible flaming meteorite those falling stars would become.

The tears came down our cheeks in terrible agonizing slowness and as they fell I knew the mortar of our relationship was washed away, all our future was burnt out like a fragile ash, and blown away on the breath of the whispered word 'no.'

A hurricane of words, a maelstrom of thoughts, and a torrent of tears cannot wash away the solemn power of that word!

What sin! What regret! Is there no peace, no penance with which I could change that past? I would do anything, anything. Slay a dragon, walk on fire, swim a river, or die trying if it meant I could be with you again! I would bleed, I would die. I would and I mean it. I never thought I could fall in love so hard, so true, so brutal that it lay like an open wound before the world.

Oh how I HATE the world that let me be this way. How I Despise the God that made me so broken as to reject the only part of me worth anything.

Thsi final year, the applications, the work, the stress, the family that rejected me, the friends that left me, my last floundering attempts to get it under control were voiced in my small request for time.


Not forever. Never forever.

But from that moment it was broken. I stand now at the mouth of the gaping abyss and am torn RAW by the openness and the nothingness and the meaninglessness of that forever without you.


Please come back to me. I'm sorry I ever left you and I'm sorry the stress and the goals and all the stupid frivolous things that don't matter kept me from realizing how important to me you were.

I needed that lesson. I did. I needed it because I would've never realized how dear you were to me before this. I would've never known how special or pure or beautiful and all those things I should've known the INSTANT I laid eyes on you.

Now I know, I know them and they settle in my stomache with a sickening finality.

Please. Please, oh please, I am so sorry.

Any way that I can help you, I will. Any aid you need, I'm there. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to lend, an ear to listen... My mind, my soul, my body belongs to you.

You won't accept it. You shouldn't. You should fidn someone who cantreat you the way you deserve from the very beginning...

But I want that person to be me.

The thin thread of hope is wrapped around me, cutting off my blood and air and thoughts and holding me in a tentative agony of uncertainty and a deep, deep fear of never.

Its cold, cold, so cold to be so alone, and the only thing warm is the way this heart burns for you.


Be happy. My selfish hopes have hurt you enough.

((but really, in my core, in the depths of my bones, I want you to be happy with me... to see you smile at me again... to feel your embrace...))

Give me the opportunity to prove myself to you or let me die trying....

My mind is forever caught in that hour of darkness, in that one moment I so long to change...



03:08:00 PM

Sunday, March 18, 2007

i didn't get in

99% on my tests and i didn't get in

i'm dead on the inside

god FUCKING dammit

pray for me tonight

this may be your last chance

09:19:00 PM

So I'm still addicted.
Things are getting worse.
Much worse.

I can't deal with myself any longer.

08:11:00 PM

I don't know if it's a crush or just an affinity I feel for her but I really hope it's an affinity because otherwise I will have to start questioning my sexuality.

06:53:00 PM

Saturday, March 17, 2007

dr. pepper makes me feel like an octopus, and i want you to know that i would do almost anything to get our friendship back.

07:11:00 PM

oh my fucking god. how did i get wait-listed at unc??

12:30:00 PM


12:14:00 PM

Friday, March 16, 2007

For the first time in my life, a guy who is not related to me and who is very, very handsome and older told me I'm beautiful. :)

07:28:00 PM

Thursday, March 15, 2007

i'm sorry i sat next to you since you went home early and barfed on the student common room floor... no you've got me sick

11:11:00 PM

why am I always stuck in the friend zone??
seriously it something I am doing?

12:32:00 AM

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Before I met you I honestly believed that people were reasonable and good and human.

10:26:00 PM

She kind of liked him. You're kind of a bitchface.

07:54:00 PM

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

why am i so hesitant to get into a relationship?

08:53:00 PM

Monday, March 12, 2007

what is the bible's take on mixed marriage outside of christianity?

11:33:00 PM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

i don't even have real opinions, i just do what everyone wants me to do. and now the chickens have come home to roost because someone wanted me to do something that other people didn't want me to do so instead i lost all of them.

i can't tell if it's that i don't have real opinions, or if i just don't care.

09:57:00 PM

i want to know what it's like. but nobody will teach me. sex, love, inner beauty, outer beauty, everything, anything.

09:56:00 PM

i took this quiz thing and i guess i didn't realize how rare people like me are, it pretty well fits me.

***Your Personality is the Rarest (INFJ)***

Your personality type is introspective, principled, self critical, and sensitive.

Only about 2% of all people have your personality - including 3% of all women and around 1% of all men.
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

06:04:00 PM


04:41:00 PM

I am terrified.

I have never had sex, but my boyfriend and I have had genital contact. I know that it's possible to get pregnant without sex, though.

And my period should have come a few days ago.

Could I be pregnant?? I can't even remember a time in the past month that we've done anything that risky.

03:48:00 PM

I'm worried I won't be accepted in to college.

11:51:00 AM

Saturday, March 10, 2007

okay, focus, she's your close friend, and having any negative feelings about her going out with your ex, would not be supportive. focus.

07:46:00 PM

Friday, March 09, 2007

babies are nasty little buggers.

09:47:00 PM

Thursday, March 08, 2007

God, stop it with the "you need to exercise" crap already! God damn it's annoying! Come on, I do the same as most of you! You don't bother others! Is it just my extra weight around the middle? I feel bad enough about it already, thanks. Just shut the hell up already!

10:44:00 PM

I'm so alone I can't stand it.

I really can't. I've never thought this hard before about what it takes to end the pain of it.

I'm never going to be loved.

06:39:00 PM

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

people don't really understand control freaks.

you think I am one. maybe I am. but its not the way you think it is.

I dont even know how to explain it.

10:01:00 PM

your so self centered nowadays , it seems everything is about you and your girlfriend. What happened to the time when it was just us guys? The two can coexist if you'd let them but no your pussy whipped into leaving your friends for a girl. Just because its the first one you've ever had doesn't mean we all need to hear about it. Bros before hoes man, Bros before Hoes.

09:48:00 PM

I am just as much of a slacker as the other seniors with senioritis...

Unfortunately, I've been this way for years.

But FUCK THAT I'm STILL going to a kick-ass college. With a scholarship.

Kiss my ass, hard workers of the world. Top 50 college, and I had a great life too.

08:52:00 PM

so i went to the interview today not really wanting a job and not really expecting to get hired because of my own inflexible schedule...
but the manager was so impressed that she hired me right away. and gave me a $.50 higher pay than she gave my friend who started working there like 9 mos. ago. hehe.

first job!

06:54:00 PM

I think this whole not seeing each other for long periods of time thing is good.

It'd be even better if we stopped talking too.

06:45:00 PM

It's a dangerous game I could be playing. I can either risk everything or nothing, but until I make my move, nothing will happen.

We've had this discussion and I know that neither of us will ever start anything.

So I guess the answer is nothing. I wish we were braver.

I don't know what I'm doing.

06:38:00 PM

For as long as I've known you I've only known you from a distance. From a distance everything looks amazing, I'm told.

Today, though, you looked into my eyes (something you almost never do) and I couldn't help but think of how amazing those eyes were, not even a foot from mine.

You're going far far away, soon, soon, too soon.

I know it's hopeless.

I can't help but think, though, that you'll still be beautiful,

Even from a distance...

06:06:00 PM

Uh so... I need cough*want*cough a date to formal so that aside from the whole corsage ceremony, my mom can embarrass me and take corny pictures. So how do I get someone to ask me?

01:30:00 PM

Who knows about the exams schedule?

I just drank a mug full of my parents' sherry because I was in a bad mood. It seems to have helped so I think I will go do my homework now.

01:50:00 AM

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

i want to tell you i like you
but i know it will just make our fake hate relationship thing be more screwed up... i dont like pretending to hate you.

11:13:00 PM

he's probably going to die soon. of cancer. and then my father will probably lose it.

i hate it when all you can do is anticipate. fuckk. he's probably the nicest person i've ever known too...

10:44:00 PM

Yoohoo is phucking delicious, yes I spelled it with a ph.

10:02:00 PM

3rd base for the win.

08:47:00 PM

he said "i love you" but he didn't mean it that way.

i don't think he realizes how much being around him is slowly breaking my heart.

otherwise he'd stop doing things like that without meaning them.

i'm trying really had not to take them the wrong way.

08:42:00 PM

When I heard my friend had been pregnant I tried to be kind and supportive.
I went home and puked.
It disgusted me. She had something inside her, and she's the same age as me.

Inside her.

08:22:00 PM

What does sperm taste like? and how awkward would it be if I tried his?

03:59:00 PM

Monday, March 05, 2007

i keep listening to clap your hands say yeah, not because i like them, but because they remind me of you.

11:18:00 PM

i can't do this anymore.
do you think i fucking asked for this?! is this the lifestyle that you think i dreamed of? no. but if i've learned anything, it's that dwelling on your problems just makes them worse, and all anyone can do is move on.

11:17:00 PM

Happy Birthday, Sithgirl!

08:30:00 PM

Administrator Resignation

I would like to use this post as my chance to announce my decision to relinquish my duties as an administrator for

I've enjoyed my time here and, while I may not have been good to Tangst, Tangst has been good to me. Really, regardless of how it may have seemed, I did enjoy moving posts from the main page and reading about your problems. Usually.

Anyhow, you, the Tangsters, are welcome to use this final post of mine as a thread for taking some final potshots at me, though I can't guarantee that I will read them.

Take care.

I am happy.

10:22:00 AM

Sunday, March 04, 2007

There are several possibilities:

1. Just when I get a steady boyfriend, more than one suitor starts showing amorous attentions toward me, and it is a cruel twist of fate that I have to turn so many nice guys away simply for being too late.

2. These attentions are completely platonic and I, in my self-centered mind, perceive them wrongly as being of a romantic nature to make myself feel more desired.

3. I feel trapped in a long-term relationship to which I committed before realizing exactly what that commitment meant, and I deal with those feelings by inviting the attentions of other paramours and subconsciously engaging in emotional affairs with all of them.

4. I'm just a bitch.

More and more I believe in number four.

10:30:00 PM

I should have kissed you...

10:16:00 PM

"I told him I loved him. Quietly, under my breath. And then I kissed him really hard so he wouldn't have a chance to say anything back, because I knew he didn't feel the same way.

I'm just glad he didn't say it back without meaning it. It means that when, or if, he will mean so much more. I like that he's frugal with love. I like that I have to earn it.

And I especially liked the intensity with which he kissed me back. Fear, lust, uncertainty, and yes...the slightest hint of the beginning of that dirty four letter word. It was beautiful."

UPDATE: He said it. :)

03:55:00 PM

Being in Enloe Theatre, I've discovered, is like...being in a cult.

Do we scare you?

02:01:00 AM

I love my parents to death, but I'm so angry at them for never teaching me to speak, read, and write proper [insert my first language]. I tell people I'm fluent because I would be ashamed to know any less. I mean, it's not completely FALSE. I can listen to pretty much everything (except some super "intellectual" stuff because of the vocabulary, but I think that's pretty normal in all languages, even English) and speak very well, but not as good as I wish I was. I wish I could say that I was fluent and meant it from the bottom of my heart. But I know it's not too late.

01:55:00 AM

I miss the sound of someone's voice on the phone as we fall asleep together.

12:39:00 AM

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Haiku about sex
sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
sex sex sex sex sex

11:52:00 PM

preface: this is really lame and cheesy and probably incredibly stupid, so try hard not to judge.

he finally checked his facebook (not that many people have them over here... obviously they don't understand that if you're not on facebook you're practically nonexistent) ... and he finally friended me.

we can only go farther from here! first, a few posts. then a private message! and then i'm just going to ask him out. bahaha.

11:34:00 PM

I hate having panic attacks and that when I'm trying to surpress one I become a bitch

09:23:00 PM

I'm failing Calc BC.
I have never been failing a class in my life.

This would probably be a good time to pull it together. If anyone wants to tutor me during 5th lunch or after school, I'd really appreciate it. Or if you know someone who would, let me know.

It's been found that when overworked, overstressed, and underfed, that the mind can begin to play tricks on you.

Can a mind just snap out of control like that, then upon acceptance, be perfectly normal again?

07:57:00 AM

where can i buy condoms?

12:03:00 AM

I was lying and I am really sorry about it.

I am glad you recognized it though. Thank you for caring enough to look, and bothering to know me well enough to notice that I was not telling the whole truth.

If only you had called me out on it.

11:06:00 PM

Friday, March 02, 2007

Ojalá que llueva café en el campo.

10:07:00 PM

I just really miss Interlochen.

i have a slight crush on Graffiti Pastry

07:16:00 PM

Masturbating is actually helping my sex life.

07:10:00 PM

so, guys: pubic hair or no pubic hair?

06:56:00 PM

If you broke up with her to be with that ho I'm going to hire someone to kill you.

04:51:00 PM

They are so amazing, so glamorous. They live a life of flirting and intrigue. They are the best of the best, the valedictiorian, the salutatorian, the tennis star, the chess champian, the theater children, the elite. They can get away with wearing evening dress to school while not looking like complete idiots. They can talk back to the teacher, and everyone loves them for it.

I want to be one of them. God, I want to be one of them.

01:04:00 PM

i dont think i've ever wanted to cry this badly

12:39:00 AM

Thursday, March 01, 2007

This time of year is hard on relationships. I can't wait till spring.

11:36:00 PM

I don't know why it bothered me so much to hear it aloud. I've always known he's smarter. He learned things at a younger age than I did and learned more. He took on intellectual hobbies. But it's still sad to know (and know that you think)that I am not the smart one. I never was and I never will be.

By the way, it didn't help when you laughed for a very long time afterwards and said "It's okay, you're smart too."

11:32:00 PM

I don't know how not to apologize, for everything. I know it pisses people off, but I just can't stop. I feel like if I don't apologize all the time, even if it's just for standing where someone needed to walk or for mistakenly interrupting a conversation or even for existing, I'll come off as arrogant and self-centered.

I really do feel like my existence is a crime, and that maybe a lifetime of "sorrys" will make up for it.

11:25:00 PM

i'm starting to slip in school.
not terribly, but i've basically stopped doing the majority of my homework and i don't feel like i have the will to do anything. i think it's more than senioritis, because i've had that before and that's just laziness. i don't know why i do this to myself. i missed a day of school and now i'm ridiculously behind in almost all my classes especially my harder APs and i don't want to do ANYTHING.

crap. i hope this goes away soon.

09:47:00 PM

who won rfa?

05:22:00 PM

every time you go, you apologize. Every time I say it's okay.

every time it hurts like hell, but I lie to make you feel better.

10:28:00 PM

get off my back, now. i'm sorry i'm not what you want, but no one can handle what you want. when i say no one, i mean no one. i'm doing my best. love you, but it's hard.

09:47:00 PM