Saturday, December 30, 2006

I don't like the pill. If I slip up and take one a couple hours later than I'm supposed to, I freak out that I'm gonna get pregnant--because it would be totally unfair to tell him he's gotta use the condoms that he hates just because I can't understand the instructions on the pill package. I am so fucking scared that I am gonna screw this up completely and be the only pregnant AP student.

01:07:10 PM

Friday, December 29, 2006

Sure lead me on for a fucking 4 months i single you out while youre multitasking faster than the computer that i use to talk with you nearly every night.

And to think of the sacrifices that could have been

Drop Dead

10:50:14 PM

I would hook up with practically anyone.

call me.

09:16:47 PM

Thursday, December 28, 2006

i'm going to be so fucked for my finals next week!
and, my birthday is on tuesday but i have to take the actual driving test... and i'm scared shitless.

damn, what a lame-o break this has been.

11:51:34 AM

i ran into the student teacher i hooked up with... and now i think we're going on a date.

still don't know his name

don't think he knows i go to the school he teaches at.

10:52:13 AM

i have been so lazy this chrismas break, I really hae just sat on my ass and watched tv or something that didn't require any energy at all. I have gotten nothing done and I almost feel guilty about it, almost.

12:41:13 AM

yesterday one of my best friends called me a dyke.

um.... i actually don't have a problem with lesbians. i just have a problem with people trying to manipulate me.

but i'm not sure quite how that would work to someones advantage. so maybe she just thinks i'm a lesbian.

meh, oh well!

12:30:46 AM

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

half a chocolate cake, the rest of the popcorn, the bottle of strawberry daquri mix, the rest of the pizza, 5 three-quarters full cans of soda.

all down my sink. because i wanted to eat it all.

being a teenage girl really does feel like the books, and never the movies.

Ultraguy: ....
Ultraguy: and starving children everywhere REJOICe

11:51:39 PM

I am not taking these essays to their full potential and its annoying the hell out of me. I could write something so much deeper and more personable, but it takes time. Then, my parents say "why aren't you done yet? why are you taking so long?" so I use something i've written before and just modify it.

They could be so much more, and mean so much more.

07:06:01 PM

yes...i'm demanding....

but it's all for the good...

...i mean how else are we going to get together....(smirk)

06:27:08 PM

accept me???

if you meet me i'd know you would dig me....oh so much more than


05:43:01 PM

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

wow, this weBSite SUX.



<333, sukers!!

06:48:04 PM

That was definitely one of the best Christmases (what on earth is the plural of Christmas-Christmai?) of my life.

02:05:57 AM

Monday, December 25, 2006

My Christmas break has been majorly sucking and it's making me fall back into depression

10:13:13 PM

Christmas is boring.

12:55:06 PM

Merry Christmas!

01:27:16 AM

Sunday, December 24, 2006

I wanted to let you know (just because it's Christmas - and at Christmas you tell the truth):

I love you.

I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I can never find the right way to say it. There is never a preface cute enough, or charming enough. The timing is never right, something is always coming up and ruining the moment.

Anyways, and like I said before, I just wanted you to know that I love you.

11:49:14 PM

"All I want for Christmas is you"

08:31:04 PM

[Song: "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey.]

Christmas Eve is supposed to be so happy--

But the whole service, I couldn't be happy, I couldn't concentrate on anything else except for how you looked, sitting down there while we stood in front.

I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't really anyone's fault, but I am so, so sorry.

08:24:37 PM

i hooked up with a student teacher.

at a state party.

i'm scared to see him at school now.

especially since i don't remember his name.

04:04:57 PM

i took naked pictures of myself and sent them to you and now that you love them i love myself more than i ever have. who knew that naked would be the best thing i ever did?

04:00:53 PM

god i feel so angsty right now. i love it.

i wanna lick you.
is that weird?

03:48:59 AM

Saturday, December 23, 2006

"It didn't taste as bad as I thought it would."

Far from high praise, but I suppose I can accept it.

08:29:21 PM

Ahahaha, I got invited to UNC's scholarship day despite my previous merit-based rejection--John Motley Morehead III can suck it. :D

06:08:39 PM

i'm too tired of all this shit to try and fight for you. I'm too tired of waiting around for you to say how you feel.

So please just let me go!

04:59:53 PM

I hate being the only (slightly) sober one of my friends left, but at least I can hold my liquor.
If you can't deal with it, don't drink it. I have no sympathy for drunk, attention-hungry, psychopathic whores.

11:12:46 AM

there are two guys that i'm kind of sort of interested in.... one of them is a slightly stick situation and the other is as old as my sister. and he's a freshman in college (but lives here).
and then all of a sudden random people that i liked before or even never liked at all have started flirting with me [again].... what the fuck?!?!

why are there so many boys?? and what do i do?!

03:06:20 AM

Friday, December 22, 2006


10:37:33 PM

knock knock

10:37:23 PM

A long time ago (the twenty-seventh of November, 2005, at 8:15 PM) I wrote here, on Tangst, about my crush on you.

Yesterday (the twenty-first of December, 2006, at 11:00 PM) you were there at the dance.

It was odd, to see you there, uncomfortable among the elites, those people everyone dreams of being. It became clear to me then: you are not one of them, however good you are at pretending.


I still love you.
I'm still here,

only a footstep behind.

09:53:31 PM

The sixth post ever here on Tangst was about disliking anonymous comments, because they provide no catharsis.

I feel so sad for you, OP.
But it's sort of funny that, if you read this, you'll get no catharsis from it.

Because I'm anonymous.

07:28:37 PM

i feel like i'm always in a competition and when i try and not compete, i get accused of being depressed/pessimistic/suicidal.

07:08:29 PM

timing is everything...

me and my shyness and not trying not to come on too strong...

you and your shyness and ex girlfriend...

us..waiting on one another to make the first move...

we were listening to the same song were listening to the trumpet while i was dancing to the flutes...

the one you forgot you..

03:08:22 PM

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's up to us, '07. We've got to give the new building a name before The Man comes up with something boring, like the "Northeast Building." We need something that will stick, and we need it before we graduate.

Just think, in twenty years, people will still be calling it "The Chill Buil" or something.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I never imagined our first night together would be outside of a best buy.

But hell, it was cute anyways.

08:25:22 PM

i am so sick of waiting for him to like me but i'm scared to move on because at least with him i already know what is going to happen, with anyone else i don't know what could happen or if i'm ready to put myself out there.

07:11:14 PM

i am so sick of that big gay suckfest that is drama club! we all know what really goes on in that room, and it ain't pretty!!

but alas...he talked to me today

07:07:27 PM

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I'm sick of being single. Who's with me? I think a tangst dating service is the key.

11:21:47 PM

I don't think you knew how much it meant today when I hugged you and you said "don't let [him] see."

Of course you were joking. Of course I was joking back. Of course I love him and would never leave him.

But if I had to have an affair, it would undoubtedly be with you. It would be very easy to let myself fall in love with your smiles.

10:55:28 PM

I'm beginning to look at friends in terms of who i'll keep up with when i go to college. It's a very short list.

10:32:46 PM

Am I the only person who derives pleasure and amusement from "dead baby jokes"?

Man, people need to loosen up.

-What's worse than two dead babies nailed to a tree?....

One dead baby nailed to two trees.

-What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?....

Tearing it back down

-What's red, screaming, and gets hit by cars?.... (this one makes me wince)

A baby with forks in its eyes.

Intense snuggling for the win. Nothing like napping next to a loved one.

09:08:04 PM

need sleep, need it so badly.

09:05:10 PM

i'm fucking sick and tired of being the guy's best friend.


07:23:13 PM

somebody give me a gun to shoot my enviro teacher.

11:33:01 AM

Monday, December 18, 2006

I'm happy that my boyfriend isn't coming to my party. It gives me time to flirt with more interesting people.

11:58:06 PM

"House" is a good show.

11:53:15 PM

he really likes me. a lot.

09:34:04 PM

i just broke down because i'm overstressed. I feel like thursday is so far away and i'm going to fail school and i'll the crap i've worked hard for because of these last few days of school before break.

09:30:16 PM

I am so sick of my schedule being so planned out so I don't hardly get any sleep and every minute of my life is planned. I practically have to plan to have free time! This is so ridiculous and I have no idea what I should do.

09:15:17 PM

Today was a living hell. It's like an itchy fire in my veins that you don't know how much I like you. I can't concentrate. I can't sit still. I COULDN'T EVEN EAT, WHICH IS SICK AND WRONG.

But I'm too much of a coward to tell you, and that is hardly something I wished to know about myself.

07:42:28 PM

my senior friends from last year are back and doing the visiting-the-school thing because they have nothing better to do...

i saw this guy today that i have always thought was exceptionally good looking, and really smart, funny, etc.
but he lives a thousand miles away, is too busy with college life, is a few years older than me, and i don't know him that well anyway.


07:24:40 PM

Stop griping you are driving me insane!!!!! AHHHH Please shut up!!!

06:48:17 PM

Calculus IB Portfolio for the suck.

Seriously, if someone can give me a real and decent reason why non-IB students have to do IB work, this might, just might, become a little bit more bearable.

he won't like his present...

it's a handmade book/card with a different thing on a each page... going like this...

Dearest ******...
With any luck within the next year i'll be going out with one of these boys...
(Insert collage of hot boys from GQ)
But until then
I'd like to say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it is christmas
And at Christmas you tell the truth
To me you are perfect
And my withered heart will love you until you look like this
(Insert picuture of fat man in bikini)
Merry Christmas
Love always,

05:04:29 PM

OMG, I'm so nervous.

Wish me luck!

08:53:57 AM

"the fury and the mire of human veins."


02:02:09 AM

This wouldn't be so bad except that I know I did all of this to myself.

01:26:31 AM

Sunday, December 17, 2006

in an empty house we spent the night, and you took me as yours.

but I wasn't yours.

I was his.

and somehow that made it better.

10:45:03 PM

I hate christmas.

09:30:35 PM

today is my sweet sixteenth and so far ive talked to my best friend twice...she still hasnt wished me a happy birthday

08:45:55 PM

when he looks at me and says you are perfect I guess I should raise my head a little and believe and be validated because--he said it.

but I am not a girl like that like any other girl I know.

I already know that I am perfect.

05:34:56 PM

I told you that I wanted you to feel pain. But now, I just want you to understand that I'm only freaking out because I'm not in control anymore. I'm in love with you, and it scares me more than anything has before.

04:16:48 PM

I had the most amazing dream last night. In the dream, I was dating what's his face, as I am in real life, and I was completely bored with him, also as I am in real life. You and I were flirting outside the west building in the freezing cold when you pulled me close to you and, in a characteristically awkward way, professed your love for me. It was beautiful. Even in my dream I had to stop myself from kissing your right then and there. Oh god, it was amazing.

I know it's terrible of me to want you so badly, especially when I already have "him". I just can't stop thinking about you. I stayed up until 4 in the morning last night to watch your favorite show just because it reminded me of you.

I know it sounds cheesy, but hope dreams come true.

11:39:02 AM

sure,i'll let you have my # its 1-800-get-a-life really its 1-800-s-t-a-l-k-e-r or for numerical digits 1-800-782-5537... ok everyone pull out your cell phones 7825537 spells stalker.

i wish i had the guts to do this to you.

12:52:48 AM


12:16:00 AM

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Merry Christmas

11:23:12 PM

why have there been no traffic reports in a while?

08:00:02 PM

Friday, December 15, 2006

Can we post photos?

We should be able to.

08:36:05 PM

What happened today in the pods first period?

08:05:24 PM

My life has been validated. That is all that needs to be said.

4:14:41 PM

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sometimes I feel like i'm completely over him. I can hold a completely sane and normal conversation without freaking out about every little detail. I think this is because now I see him for more then just a glimpse in the hallway.

Then other times, he'll say something small and insignificant, or do something really sweet (like yell at the annoying guy for bothering me) and i'll be the happiest person because of it. At those times I'm not over him, and think about what he's said in the past and whether it means anything.

I'm so ready to be over it and move on because I know for a fact he doesn't feel that way towards me, but for some reason I can't. Whenever a slow song comes on the radio, I still think of him.

10:37:38 PM

I have no idea what the appropriate response is when you ask a girl out and she says no based on the fact she's emotionally damaged and unstable.

She's one of the most stable, steady, level-headed people I know.

Is she lying? Or is she better than most at hiding her problems?

10:14:19 PM

mrs ******* says our grades would 'dip' third quarter. holy shit. i thought this quarter was hell already...

10:05:41 PM

you bought a date. i love you with all my heart.

07:08:12 PM

Life is like a box of chocolates? That's bullshit!
Sometimes one good thing blows your way
another moment and its gone
What the hell happened to telling the truth...
What the hell made us all lose trust...
What the hell forced us to grow up so fast?
Only thing i remember of youth
the feeling of love
honest love
between all of us.
NOW? now we're backstabbing slutaprostabitchahoes waiting to take another swing
aching to see the blood drip
and for the prey to die slow and terribly
hoping it will give an example of some kind of emotion
Something we lost when we brought on the dope
when we started sniffing
when we started drinking our suffereing away
Well... let's face it... we've all changed... for the better... for the worse.
All i know that i have changed for good
for always

07:07:55 PM

I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how it feels
I am not your friend
Im not your lover
Im not your family


Take apart your head
Chew it up and swallow it

You wont know:

I love you so much
But do me a favor:

Dont reply.

Cause I can dish it out, but i cant take it.

I could never listen/leaveyou/missyou

Youre beating with the book everyone that book told you love.
And the God I believe in never worked on a campaign trail

...Id arrest you if i had handcuffs

Touch me
Just let me know
where youve been

Space Cadet, pull up


I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But Ive had some time alone to hold my lions at bay
I know you think that im someone you can trust
But im scared ill get scared and I swear ill try to nail you back up
So do you think we can work out a sign?
So I know its you and that its over, so I wont even try
I know youre coming for the people like me
we sleep inside of this machine...

I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care i was being cared for,
Made sure I showed it to those that i loved
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause i was about my Father's work.

02:26:59 AM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

i need control.
please, i just want to be who i am.

but how much will it take?

because as lame as it sounds, i just want to see myself when i look in the mirror.

11:24:10 PM

You are the only thing holding me to:
-This school
-This city
-This state
-This country
-This world
But I don't plan on telling you because it would probably just freak you out.

08:56:11 PM

I'm glad you all are acting like middle schoolers now, creating events and not inviting me, because it gives me a wonderful chance to explore these angsty and vindictive feelings that I don't get in touch with enough.

It's just like we're twelve again.

08:11:56 PM

I lie or exaggerate whenever it is more convenient than being truthful. I don't feel bad. No one believes the truth anyway.

12:42:52 AM

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

i lead him on. oops?

11:13:33 PM

i'm moving on. i can't sit around waiting for them to break up their absolutely unhappy relationship. I'm hurting myself more than anyone else. I know this is the right thing to do

but why do i still feel like my hearts been torn out of my chest and thrown onto a huge fire of rotting rat carcasses?

10:25:55 PM

i'm just so fucking angry, and so frustrated.

i try my hardest in my math class (precalc C, in the highest track at my school) ... and i've been struggling since pretty much the eigth grade. i try and try but no matter how hard i work or how much i study it just doesn't seem to work out for me. i'm dropping down a level at semester but i always feel like the dumb one of my friends (because i hang out with the smart people at my school).

i hate it, i fucking hate it and i wish i was smarter so i could actually have a reason to be as narcissistic (sp?) as i am.

10:25:46 PM

A guy I don't know very well just told me that I was "pretty fuckin' cute"


09:41:27 PM

Rebecca Putterman is my hero. The Tunnel is absolutely incredible.

Tunnel Reader
08:43:04 PM

What would children in third-world countries do with Spanish textbooks meant for English-speaking children?

04:18:20 PM

Monday, December 11, 2006

How can you have everything you need and then some and still feel so unsatisfied and shitty about your life? What do you really need to be truly happy?

11:08:57 PM

she DOES care about me. and it was her that brought it up, not me. oh god, i'm so happy i could cry.

10:47:36 PM

i want to hook up with you

10:15:58 PM

Sometimes, I feel like a cold-blooded bastard.

Other times, I am entirely moved by impulse and emotion.

I wish I could make up my mind.

12:16:30 AM

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I'm sick of being caught in it.
It's driving me mad.
You cripple yourself in every situation and get angry with me when i try to help. So you stop talking to me?! So you blow me off?!
Now it's my fault.
That sound's about right.

I'm really, really, frustrated, btw.

10:00:48 PM

you held me in your arms while i looked so fucking ugly snot dripping everywhere cheeks streaked with tears eyes so bloodshot i looked slightly like i had pink eye. and then i realized i didn't want to be with anyone but you.

05:33:00 PM

there's this cute guy that i would wanna hookup with but all his friends and everyone else makes fun of him for being lame

there's this really nice funny guy who's just really shy around girls who i would kill to go out with, but we've never talked so i doubt it would work.

and there's this junior girl that i feel really connected to, even though i don't really like girls in that way.

and i never know what to say/do about any of it.

05:12:44 PM

I'm so angry at them

03:32:10 PM

I just heard a story about the circumstances of how we met....our first dance...her own insecurities....

And now I love her even more.

11:45:05 AM

If you could fight anyone, who would it be?

01:12:42 AM

Saturday, December 09, 2006

today i went shopping for 248906239045236 hours and the more i tried on clothes (ok, i'll admit i was kind of going for the retail-therapy aspect of it, not so much the i-desperately-need-a-pair-of-jeans-that-fit-my-fat-ass)
the more i realized how incredibly ugly i feel in the winter.

ugly, and fat, and gross looking. does this happen to other people in the winter too? i feel like as soon as the cold weather sets in and winter begins, my body goes into "look-like-piece-of-shit" mode. and i don't know how to flip the switch.

11:36:34 PM

They are the perfect couple-


-But secretly, i hope they have a huge fight and break up.

12:00:08 AM

Friday, December 08, 2006

i'm glad i'm not friends with her, that means one less christmas present.

11:36:19 PM

That comment you made really hit home- I really DO have the most unsuccessful love life of anyone I know.
I think it's funny in a morose kind of way and I'm considering just giving up for a while but I don't really know how to do that.

08:06:11 PM

any luck with the Morehead, anyone?

07:36:36 PM

he's jealous. and he's being a jerk about it.

03:18:42 PM

What ever happened to SD?

02:56:56 PM

Thursday, December 07, 2006

You lost me. Will it be for good?

10:51:31 PM

I dated a guy for almost a year. We had a wonderful, casual, and realistic relationship. When we decided to break up it wasn't easy, but it could've been worse. After we broke up he was a real dick to me for a few months, butgot over it, for the past year we've been good friends. He is now dating one of my best friends, they are in a healthy long term relationship.
However, sometimes he is still really mean to me. He always judges my appearance, making comments that make me feel uncomfortable. He accuses me of trying to "steal" his girlfriend, even though he spends much more time with her than I do. He makes it very clear that she is much more important to him than me, often in rude or unneccesary ways. He speaks very openly about the sexual aspect of their relationship, often in a rude/immature/unneccesary manner. I know she would be offended by that.
My question is whether or not I should tell her about this. I don't want her to feel like I'm making her choose sides. She doesn't really know any of this is going on. I feel like she has a right to know, but at the same time I don't think it would change her relationship with him.

09:29:35 PM

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

there hasn't been a popular post in a while.

11:43:04 PM

ive been so incredibly tired recently. I sleep in everyone of my classes. I used to never sleep at school.

11:42:12 PM

Ben: It’s just this girl I’ve known for a while. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s awkward as hell, but can still be the life of the party. When she smiles she lights up the room. You can’t help but be happy when she’s around you. I feel like I could just tell her everything and I know that I can trust her with anything.

Boys are so sweet in my plays... and i'm so good with them there... why isn't real life this easy?

09:03:51 PM

..and recently the image of blowing my brains out has been comming back. I thought it was gone..dammit.

08:47:15 PM

tangst, i've missed you. too much has been happening, i just don't have time to anonymously write how i really feel. things have been confusing, with people, and things have been increasingly scary with others, as in i'm afraid i'm losing them.

maybe i need to chill out?

12:13:39 PM

Oh righteous anger, how I've missed you so.

12:46:14 AM

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i hate losing and not being able to get better. but then again i guess everyone does.

11:24:27 PM

You're holding out for a miracle.
I'm holding out for you.

In my eyes they're happening at the same time.

they aren't happening.

10:39:21 PM

endless wrath upon nelson.

Queen Sekaf
09:21:35 PM

Who knew that people you've never met could know you better than you know yourself?

07:55:17 PM

she ignores him every day... they don't even talk anymore... and yet he'd rather be in this horrible relationship, getting more and more jaded, than be with me. he would rather be completely torn apart than be with me. am i really that bad?

07:42:45 PM

Monday, December 04, 2006

I feel like I'm on the edge of a huge turning point of my life, as if I do one thing, my life will go one way, and if I do another, it will go the other.

It's kind of a scary feeling, really.

11:17:33 PM

I like him. but when i see him. i dont know how to be with him.

11:10:04 PM

Last year, they pushed me so hard towards that goal. I did everything wrong, forced my way towards it. I cracked under the pressure, and fell apart.

This year, only I push myself. I'm working hard, and doing things right. So why now do they stand in my way?

Why are they so desperate (seemingly) that I not succeed--at least, not on my own?

09:18:52 PM

i sit in front of the computer and next to the phone hoping you'll do something, anything, that is a means of you communicating with me... even if it's only about how to solve a math problem. because honestly, even though every time i look at you it hurts, i would rather feel that hurt a thousand times a day, than be the lonely girl who never knew what it was like talking to you on the phone.

05:08:35 PM

Sunday, December 03, 2006

The Tragedy of a Burden'd Heart

I've been secretly in love with the same person for the last four years. She's become available, then dating, then single, on and off. I wish she knew how I felt but I can't tell her. I'm not sure why, because I think that a relationship could and would actually work between us. And it's not like she hasn't shown an overt interest occasionally. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment, or afraid that she'll discover who I really am inside and not like that side of me quite so much. I just don't know.

It is entirely possible that she is reading this post tonight and wondering if it is about her. Well guess what, dearest.

It is about you.

Why, when I have the chance to reach out and seize that which would ensure my happiness, do I cautiously turn and let opportunity slowly drift away?

Good night and peaceful sleep to all souls, drifting lost in life or love. God speed to those who mourn for tragedy which befalls us all, and may the light of hope grace all our sights with the dawning of a new day.

let me know,
with the raptures of your mouth,
if you really care,
or if i need to pull away.

07:58:33 PM

i feel like i'm always the one that starts our im conversations.

i you actually enjoy talking to me? i feel like you do. or am i just annoying?

07:30:21 PM

The truth is, I don't know if it was an accident or not.

And that scares me more than anything.

01:01:24 PM

Of nativities and crosses in the sky
I’ll relinquish my final sigh
And find my upturned lips
And crinkles drawn near my eyes
I saved it all for you

01:57:00 AM

Friday, December 01, 2006

today i found myself in a position of incredible power (i was elected to the position). this may sound weird, but i REALLY liked it. i have never before thought about a career in politics, but today i seriously began to contemplate it.

i like being in power. i like seeing other people being intimidated when i walk over. i like to see people trying to kiss my ass (especially when i know that i'm no-nonsense, in-your-face straightforward, and that kinda shiz doesn't fly with me). i like being respected.
the best part is, i'm not a bitch--just incredibly determined.
i like it when things are done my way.

i don't know why, but the thought of being able to wield so much power freaks me out, even though i know that whatever i do i'd be amazing at it.

i'm not really this arrogant, it's hard to keep a cool head when you've been called "madam president" all day.

10:32:56 PM

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Hey, what happened to your facebook group? I tried to join, but you link leads to a 'no matches' page.

The Watcher
06:42:26 PM

mm...winter formal tickets. does that mean you have to decide NOW who you're going with?

05:22:34 PM

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

i have an amazingly strong crush on you. but you dont know it, and are uninterested in me. we are good friends, and getting better, but i know that a relationship between us wont ever happen. i need to stop being so damn attracted to you, even though you are amazing. cant shake the emotions, maybe i should avoid you a bit more helped last time

10:15:13 PM

isn't it flattering when a someone likes you?

in my case, a boy?

06:34:20 PM

I'm in love with you goddamnit.
I really hope you weren't just leading me on.

06:08:00 PM

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

i hate boys who are too dumb to go for the good thing right in front of them.

and i hate girls who are so manipulative of their friends that they don't let go of the guy even if the something could make him happier than he is with her... just as a friend.

and i hate that i don't know if i even like him that much.

10:55:35 PM

why doesnt you just pick up the phone and call me??!?!?!

I want to talk to you about nothing for hours. i want to hear your voice.

but you insist on using facebook messages for our way of communicating.

why is he so scared?

10:45:26 PM

I hate it when girls talk in baby voices. You're not cute. You're fucking lame.

If you are trying to attract boys by appearing childlike, I hope you have fun banging pedaphiles.

So fucking stop.

08:10:33 PM

Monday, November 27, 2006


09:25:13 PM

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?


08:03:35 PM

i admitt it... i'm a slut. and i can't stop the shame of this day. i feel so sick with myself and i'm sorry to anyone i hurt today.

07:12:50 PM

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I can't respect my brother's new "religion." Some guy invented it on the web while he was tripping on acid. They worship a cockroach.

It makes me so fucking mad that he treats it like some kind of cult of ultimate wisdom, just to rub it in to my parents that he's not a Christian any more.

I know I'm supposed to be tolerant, but the whole fucking thing sickens me. "Principia Discordia" my ass.

08:56:46 PM

I keep having this nightmare that I'm a combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger from Total Recall and Kurt Russell from A Beautiful Mind. Except, that it is completely overwhelming.
My dreams get to point where, in my dream, i stab out my eyes to avoid dellusions but that i start feeling things on my hands too. Its crazy.

God Damn You Descarte.

08:10:41 PM

I hate that my father has no consideration for others...

He's missing my last christmas concert where I have 3 solos for a play at the theatre...

I'd overlook it if this was the first time he's done this but it's not

07:45:38 PM

I see things. Things crawling and grabbing at me. I can feel the pain they cause me but it crawls instead of stings. I know these things are not real. I know with every last bit of my brain they are not really there. But it doesn't really matter whether they are real or not when they are after me.

So tell me, people of tangst who have taken a psychology course and/or have access to wikipedia, what level of delusion must I reach before I count as delusional?

01:24:11 AM

I'm very annoyed right now because I was out tonight and I asked my sister to switch my laundry and she didn't so now I have to stay up late to finish my laundry and I'm very tired.

That's all really. I hope everyone had a lovely break.

Queen Sekaf
12:01:56 AM

Saturday, November 25, 2006

i think the worst part of everything is waiting.

really, is it that hard to pick up your phone and call someone? no.

is it really that hard to say what's on your mind? maybe, but it's not like it's anything dire--just SAY it, goddammit, why do we all play such foolish games of cat-and-mouse?

why can't people bloody say what they're feeling?

11:27:41 PM

Can we please stop using "making mountains out of molehills" or "you're turning mountains into molehills" or any sentence that combines mountains and molehills.

We've beaten that phrase to death.

maybe you're perfect for each other because both of you piss the rest of us off. maybe it's better this way... i mean who wants to go out with a bitcy egotistical boy anyways.

i do. :(

03:39:02 PM


silly you.

01:18:36 AM

Friday, November 24, 2006

I thought you were bigger than this and I thought you understood that every friendship has its rough points. I guess you aren't.
"We were friends."
If you insist, that's the way it'll have to be.

11:28:34 PM

Everyone is always bitching to me about their problems. They always tell me that I give such great advice for their burgeoning love lives, etc. (which is ironic considering the extent of mine, but whatever)

Then I end up telling people. Then people get mad at me.

Secrets, secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone.

These are dumb high school romance secrets. Most of what I say isn't even current anymore. Why the hell does it matter to these people?

Urgh. I realize the way I word this here, I look like the bad guy. And maybe I am. But sometimes I just want to strangle these people when they make mountains out of molehills.

07:31:45 PM

i hate him so much. the boy i liked all summer finally said he loved me... LOVED ME! and all i can think about is that stupid disporpotionate boy.

i hate you stupid big head.

03:55:17 PM

Thursday, November 23, 2006

what are YOU thankful for this year?

08:19:50 PM

I wonder, does time really heal all problems?

12:51:28 PM

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

i know that i'm supposed to be doing the whole "hard to get" deal, but is it just me or is it really HARD?!

i don't want to come off as desperate. i sent him a text last night--no response. another text today--no response. i just want to call him and talk to him... but i know i shouldn't.

dammit, you know how they say that it's okay for girls to make the first move? well what happens when you HAVE made the first move...?

i do think he likes me, though.

10:18:38 PM

I just bought the new Brand New album "The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me"

And studies show that I have just self-actualized

Maslow would kill for this album

02:34:36 AM

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I walked around with a few marks on my neck today from two different people who stared at them unabashedly and looked proud.

11:48:16 PM

he likes me....he likes me not....he likes me....he likes me not...

09:42:55 PM

Monday, November 20, 2006

I don't trust anyone.

10:35:40 PM

I love that you're happy. Of all the moods I've seen you in, it's by far my favorite. Remember the days when I would try my hardest to see you like this. I drained myself in the process. I was so light and free, full of love for everything. It's not fair. You sucked me dry with your logic. I'm suppost to be the one everything is working out for, not you. I'm jealous.

06:11:22 PM

i hate thanksgiving
anyone else with me?

12:53:34 AM

Sunday, November 19, 2006

He only won because he put more than $100 of his own money into the folder.

It is really depressing to realize that I don't know anyone who goes to my old school anymore. If I go back to visit, I would walk around aimlessly, with no one to meet. All I would see is how much the school has changed, but that would only make me more sad. I still want to go back and visit though.

08:21:35 PM

maybe if i had a different personality i'd be able to please people

05:55:20 PM

i feel really disgusted by myself right now. but i don't know if i'm fixable.

01:41:35 AM

i feel like a sellout. i told them everything you said, and it got back to the person who you care about most.

but i didn't mean for it to work out that way, even though it was stupid of me not to think it would.

but even though you aren't mad, we don't talk anymore.

but i know i brought this on myself, and even though i apologized, i know that this is how it's going to work out. and i'll just have to live with that.

01:41:10 AM

Saturday, November 18, 2006

wasn't charity ball fun?? i mean the music wasn't like...regular school dances music but it was a nice change from usual like grinding and dirty stuff. old fashioned.i wish we were still taught how to dance to music like that.

10:07:04 PM

a paradoy of batboy... names have been changed for keeping the identities of these people safe

Becky: How could you tell me you loved me, when you knew it not to be true?
Christopher: How can you say that? I loved you! Can’t you see it in your soul?

Becky: A soul? Is that what you call it,
that empty pit, that wound where my heart should be?
You dug this hole in me bit by bit, nothing is left of me!
Give me one reason why I should stay.
See, you have no reply.
The world is gay or straight, but I am both or neither.
So goodbye!

Julianne: I'm sorry, Becky, really am.
Sorry to hear your life's a sham.
Still, it doesn't have to end this way!
So ask him out and don't be cute.
College—almost here. Don’t be a fruit!
Do it now, no one cries today.

GROUP: Don’t let it reoccur, why do you pity her?
Look at the options- why don't you stop her!
What kinda girl are you?
What are you gonna do?
We oughtta stop you too!
Why don't you stop her!

Becky: Don't deny the obvious- such a bad girlfriend.
Everywhere you put me, look what I can’t mend!

(Becky stands on the edge of the platforms in front of the audience)

GROUP: Push her! Stop her! Jesus, Ashley!
Stop her! Push her! Push her! Do it!

Becky: Why don’t you just tell him, and let me release.
If you're not a coward, give me peace.

GROUP: It’s killing you bit by bit, why do you pity it?
Can’t take an upheaval-- God, you're both evil!
What kinda girl are you?
What are you gonna do?
Ashley, he wants you too!
Push her or we will!

(Ashley moves to push Becky off the platforms into the audience, but
can’t do it.)

Becky: Coward.

Ashley: I'm sorry.

Becky: You know...
One thing alone saved me from despair,
back when I was with Chris.

Adam: Becky...

Becky: Once in a while he would meet my stare.
Then I had nothing i would miss.

Adam: Becky, don't!

Becky: But surely his smile wasn't meant for me.

Adam: Becky no!

Becky: Easier to dismiss. But, tonight he kissed me, here.

(General gasp)

Becky: Tonight he gave me this. (She takes out Adams’s pants)

Group: Huh?

Becky: I smell his old spice and his sweat...

Ashley: Oh my God...

Group: Jesus!

Becky: Look what a gift he gave me- (Takes out condom)
Ashley: Is it true?
Becky: Almost enough to save me.
Adam: Yes!
Becky: And I imagine you're upset...
Ashley: Oh my God!
Becky: But I would sleep with him again!

Group: Stop her! Slap her!

Becky: And do you know what he did then?
Group: Stop!
Becky: He offered me his pain.
Group: No!
Becky: He offered me his love!
Group: God!
Becky: He offered me everything!

(Ashley runs to strangle Becky. Christopher stops her.)
Ashley: Christopher, I'm sorry. All of this is me.
Chris: Ashley, please.

Ashley: (overlapping)
I can't bear to look at you. She are all I see.
Her eyes, Chris, its in her eyes.
It hurts too much to put behind me... the way I lost you.

Chris: (overlapping)
Ashley, don't.
Please, oh Ashley, don't deny the obvious, leave the past behind.
We can start again, love. We have both been blind.

Julianne: Becky, damn you... Becky, you dirty horror...
Chris: Ashley, I forgive you. I know, my love, I know.
Ashley: And every day her eyes remind me.

Group: Slut! Slut! Slut!

Chris: Ashley, come here. Ashley, let it go!

hahah... the rest would spoil the end. oh well. guess you'll have to come see the real show before i post the next part.

07:51:55 PM

Friday, November 17, 2006

my horoscope is a lie. but i wish it was true.

01:49:22 AM

Thursday, November 16, 2006

its been a while, and nothing ever happend in the first place. im supposed to be over this whole thing, yet its getting to the point where i cant look in peoples profiles because its a quote from her. i dont listen to certain music because it reminds me of her. i have delayed or hurried walking routines between classes so i dont have to see the other guy. not talk to him. just see him.

im not supposed to feel this way. why do i have such a problem with moving on (even if nothing happened)

11:23:04 PM

I've told both of them that I like him and asked them both to stop flirting with him.

They won't stop and they say they aren't flirting but they are constantly all over him and I'm jealous and I shouldn't be

They're a junior and a sophmore and he spends lunch with me everyday almost. I just wish I knew how he felt

10:33:35 PM

She doesn't like him!

I am so happy.

words can't express it.

10:22:50 PM

I'm so fucking tired of not doing as well as i should be. Even if I buck up and actually study my ass off this year I feel like it won't do any good.

I hate that fucking bitch. She can't teach and she acts like she knows everything when, in all actuality, she uses the powerpoints prepared by the AP people and answers "you know, I don't know" to every single question we ask. She thinks she's doing us all a bunch of big favors but she doesn't teach us a goddamned thing. And I'm totally sucking it up in that class right now.

Fucking a.

10:22:10 PM

I think most people just get in the way and cause problems.

09:55:36 PM

Cool site. I will definately share it.

Tainted Rose
08:29:02 PM

If they aren't talking to each other... and she would rather flirt with other boys right in front of his face... why don't they fucking break up already?

05:46:57 PM

Everytime I talk to him online I want more than anything to pick up the phone and call him. I might do it soon.

03:30:05 PM

I have no right to post here. I haven't lost a sister, a brother, a father, or a mother. I've never seen a death. I've never tried to kill myself. The worst thing I've ever done happened tonight when I left home for two hours during an argument with mom. I have no right to post here, but my post is still welcome. Thank you tangst for requiring no excuses.

03:30:37 AM

I am angst free at the moment!

12:11:59 AM

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I am an attractive person. I get a lot of attention from good-looking boys, and people always tell me I'm pretty. I never have problems finding someone who whose interested me.
Recently (say in the past year), I've noticed that I'm attracted to plenty of guys who just...aren't attractive. Some of them are actually ugly. I just think they are so funny, smart, or interesting that well..I'm into them. I'll occasionally mention it to another girl, and it's usually met with a repsonse like "are you crazy? he's really ugly!" and I'll be thinking "well yes he is, but it somehow doesn't matter".
Is this normal? Does anyone else find themselves attracted to people they know are not actually attractive? I can't seem to figure it out.

09:07:57 PM

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

agree? disagree?

11:30:36 PM

If you have been hurt, bullied, abused, raped, then



11:17:42 PM

did god choose to smite us and make this the year of angst... or did hamlet, bat boy, and sweeney make it that way?

10:14:14 PM

so... yelling at a girl in response to them telling the boy they like them... that means they don't like the girl? or that they're just an ass?

especially when it happened to be like this:
1: i was scared to tell you.
2: you shouldn't be scared.
1: you just looked so happy-- (cut off)
2: WE ARE HAPPY! WE ARE SOOOOO HAPPY! (yelling at the top of his lungs)

10:09:43 PM

I'm feeling very uninspired right now.

Queen Sekaf
09:37:22 PM

All this time I thought you liked me. Good god, my intuition was off.

12:50:24 AM

Monday, November 13, 2006

I need some green/blue dress shoes for charity ball.

11:23:41 PM

i'm diggin' on him and it's really cool because for the first time ever, i'm really chill about it: if it works out, alllllright, but if not... meh, it's cool too. i think he's into me as well.

i really hope this works out, or else i'll have to swear off feminine intuition for the rest of my life.

advice for nabbing my first man?

11:23:34 PM

FUCK! the chorus kids come home tonight.

let tomorrow be known as the day when the shit hit the fan!

06:05:08 PM

yea, thats right. i hate you.

04:51:04 PM

is box box dating that girl?!

04:49:24 PM

Sunday, November 12, 2006

There's pain there, where my heart is. was. broken into a million tiny pieces. It hurts so bad.

He likes her. He does. He just confessed to us.

I'm heartbroken. I never understood the term before, but I do now. I have to go to school tomorrow, and see them joking and laughing together. I don't know if I can face it. After so much hoping, talking to him again will be like stabbing myself.

And he'll be gone soon, to some college far away, never knowing. And I'll be trapped here, where the memory of his smile haunts my steps, and the ghostly laughter fills empty classrooms. And I'll on my own. Again. Abandoned by those I loved best.

I'm crying on my keyboard...

I love you.

11:57:10 PM

what is your fondest memory of your love?

10:40:31 PM

i hate my life right now. it's so stagnant and boring and depressing. when does it get good? when can i hope for a change? i'm in love.

10:34:00 PM

i go and freaking work my ass off everyday 2 hours everyday and spend 5 hours of my saturday at your studio. then you cast the dance everyone in the company is supposed to be in and you leave me out of it? what the FUCK? DO i suck that much? because if I do please tell me now so i dont continue waisting my time.

so then I have to friggen walk into the studio again and pretend like i dont care. its just one dance. who gives a shit? EVERYONE gives a shit. and look at everyone while they smile and pity you and lie continuously and they say oh its no big deal....i wish i werent in it so i wouldnt have to go to rehersal. and its so akward and its your friends pitying you like that and they have no fucking idea what its like. and they really don't care fucking care ata ll. all thats going through their minds is....I'm glad I'm not her.

10:31:11 PM

To quote someone i know "If I didn't believe in love i'd just die."

It's true. If i didn't believe in love at first sight, love forever and always, i don't know what i'd do with myself. no matter how stupid boys are being, or how horrible my friends are to me i know that.

no matter how much i curse love and the gods for hating me so much, i know deep in my heart that if i didn't believe there would be no point anymore. i would just die.

so... thank you person for saying that. i didn't think there was anyone else who felt that way. and i hadn't told you how much i value your friendship... even when you can't console me over the phone. haha.

too bad it hurts so much.

10:20:27 PM

Everything that has built up over the past months have been crashing down. Dammit. Sometimes I wish I could cry, it seems to relieve everyone else. too bad I can't.

10:19:22 PM

I wish I was loved by you as I love you.

09:18:17 PM

I write really horribly at school, and really well at school. Why? Because I can cry at home. I write better when I cry.

I'm writing this from school.

08:24:16 PM

I'm really tired of explaining myself.

Tonight my mom threw a dinner party and I had to babysit (for free, mind you) ten snotty nosed brats who kept spilling and screaming and running around... and basically being pain in the asses.
I realized i turned into the girl that everyone hates at dinner parties. I was the bitch; i kept yelling at the little kids to just shut the fuck up (not in those words but i certainly thought it several times). I felt really bad, but I didn't know what else to do.

and then one of the older, brattier ones said: "wow, you look dead, and like crap."

well thanks, you stupid seventh grade slut. i feel like shit, and it's YOUR fault, so it makes it totally okay for you to insult ME.

you know what? fuck it; i'm going to be the bitch that everyone hates, and i'm going to be moody and grouchy at random times (no, not because i'm PMSing either), and i'm NOT going to explain myself.

because i don't have to.

01:36:33 AM

Thank you. For everything. Seriously. Everything.

It's such a comfort to know there's someone else like me. Someone that understands what I've been trying to explain to everyone else for all of my life. I am no longer alone.

P.S. I love you.

12:46:19 AM

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I wanted to tell him myself...

but instead his girlfriend took the honor...

and i got my ass yelled at for not telling him i like him sooner.

10:02:34 PM

Is it too much for me to want her to see through my "I'm okay answer" and just look me in the eyes and say "no, you're not okay"

06:38:32 PM

I just spent a lot of time and effort to install Yahoo Messenger on my computer.

I hate Yahoo and never wanted to get Yahoo Messenger. I did it to stalk someone.

Then I find out that to add someone to your friends list they have to approve you. So much for stalking her.

I feel like a loser.

12:21:06 AM

Thursday, November 09, 2006

so, any ideas for alternate senior superlatives?

11:25:09 PM

A year ago, I thought you were a great friend, but as I spend more and more time with you, the more annoyed I get.
You are a black hole, sucking all the attention from anyone else. Jealous of the stars for their light, you steal their glory away into your abyss. You seem so imense, because your gravity is so awesome. But behind this charade, your matter is small and dense.

You've been hurt, I realize this, but do not think that simply because you were hurt that you deserve honor. Their is no honor in pity, and seeking pity will only leave you with a sickly-sweet, but brief feeling of importance. But the high you get is addictive, and since it is easily obtained, you prefer this drug over honest work for respect.
You are a salesman who talks too much, hopefull to sell us something. And we listen for a time mesmirized, not because of your product or eloquence (for in truth, you lack both) but because of the natural gifts (not earned) of a powerful voice and a pretty smile.
You want to be everyone and everything, but you spread yourself too thin. And when others best you, your defences rise to obvious hights.
Your have many who care for you, but few that you care for when they leave your sight, and thus your mind. Always looking for an ear to hear you, but never offering one to a friend in need -perhaps more need than you.
You create drama, and molehills become the Alps under your eyes, so you claim the worm is a snake and must be killed.
Or else, when bored or when your spirits are low, you slander others over imagined insults and unfounded suspicions.
Worried about your own status (though you need not be, since your friends would love you no matter what) you consantly seek the shadows for the eyes you know can look in your very soul.
But you will not find them there, for they lie in the shadow of your heart, which you can barely stand to look at for the shame you know that it would give you.

09:51:38 PM

I feel violated and kind of skanky, but I let him kiss me like that in the heat of the moment and now I'm having extreme regrets.
I hope this doesn't make our friendship awkward.

08:34:52 PM

I felt worse about lying to my math teacher than I ever have about lying to my parents. He actually expected me to tell the truth. And I didn't.

01:14:37 AM

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Ok well here goes.
So I really liked this girl for like 2 years. Finally ask her out. Go out for 7 months then she dumps me. That's all fine and shit if you want to do that to me it's your right to break up. But at least have the fucking honor to do it to my face not in a fucking email. Then on top of that hurt me worse by getting a new guy within 3 fucking weeks. Alright now you want to act like everything is ok. Well guess what honey, their is a reason why I cant look at one side of the room. And why I leave any possible chance I get. Truly I don't really know why i'm still mad. I cant stay mad at anyone, other than my family, for more than 10 minutes so if I'm still fucking mad at you it must be for a reason. I don't think I've ever felt this angry, sad and just fucking betrayed before. I guess it's got a lot to do with me being angry at myself for letting myself care that much about you and on top of that thinking that you might actually have ever cared about me. The only problem here with the above portrait of anger is that I still feel the exact fucking way about you as I did when we were going out and that pisses me off more than anyone could possibly comprehend.
See yuh

10:02:03 PM

last night i stayed up talking 'til 2 am to a girl that i consider a really close friend of mine. she's so laid back that she is just friendly to everyone, and it's pretty cool because there's never any drama involved with her--we're just friends, that's it, we can hang out and laugh til we piss our pants but there's never any juicy steamy stuff (not between us anyway).

anyway so the past couple of weeks have been kind of weird, mostly because she's been really busy and stressed out, but i felt like i hadn't talked to her in ages; we're even in the same math class together. so we talked and talked and it was really good because we haven't just TALKED in ages.

i really like reconecting with old friends!

there wasn't any point to this, really, i just woke up from a nap (hey, sleeping at 2 am gets to ya) and i'm in the foggy stage when there is no way that i'll comprehend my spanish homework.

07:30:57 PM

i know stuff like this gets posted all the time, but im in love with an admin. who probably doesnt know i exist.

06:13:28 PM

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

he calls me every night. and most nights, i don't answer. and then the next night i make up an excuse about why i couldn't talk to him the night before. and i feel really bad about it. but the truth is, his clinginess is making me not want to talk to him. i don't know how to tell him this without sounding mean. i don't know if i even like him at all anymore. i wish it was like it was in the beginning.

09:34:13 PM

Kiss me, I voted :)

So many times I go to write a comment to a post then think better of it and navigate away from the page without posting. even so, it makes me feel better. plus, i don't have the guilt of insulting someone or saying the wrong thing

08:58:40 PM

As much as you are overall an excellent friend and as much I do not want to overreact, it drives me absolutely fucking insane when you take my stuff. Please, I have tried to explain this in simple non-misinterpretable terms and it seems like you understand but then you do it again. Do I have to scream at you to get you to realize that I greatly dislike this?

12:15:08 AM

Monday, November 06, 2006

gaaah! i am hungry all the time! i need to fix it!

09:39:39 PM

I have no idea why we work.

But we do, and I'm loving every minute of it.

07:40:26 PM

if she ignores you and acts like a child, why do you keep complaining instead of ending it?

and why the hell is it all so worth it to you if you won't stop coming to me?

05:49:54 PM

When I was a freshman, I was sexually assualted.

No boy has ever liked me since.

Maybe everyone can sense that there is something wrong with me?

05:13:01 PM

Words from my my mind:

"You deserve so much better than me... You deserve someone who could help you, someone who could be everything you need them to be and more... someone who could..."

I am Interrupted by Him.

"Could you Love me?"

"Because if you could love me than you'd be everything I need, and if you can love me than I'll fight to be everything for you as long as you'll let me, as long as I can."


When I learned that you could accept me for who I am, all my flaws and imperfections and everything that I have been and could be...

I fell. I fell so far into you I lost myself. I stopped worrying about you. I stopped thinking about the inadequacy of me.

FELL in LOVE with YOU.

To let go and not know if there's going to be someone to catch me, not knowing if we're plummeting to some unknown disaster, or be like children digging to china, falling all the way to some foreign land...

Falling so far that you know longer know if you're falling or flying, floating away on a dream that is so beautiful that you think your heart will breat with the beauty of it.

Wrapped in your arms, laughing and crying with all the time we've lost and all we have to gain... You carried me from the couch to the bed and we dreapt while we were awake...

No dream could be as beautiful as you.

I know we don't know. I know every day you could be taken away from me and every moment with you is precious...


Words from my HEART:

"I don't think I couldn't love you"

And I couldn't.

Here is Love....

I know we're falling, and it's the greatest freedom I've ever known.

09:55:51 AM

Sunday, November 05, 2006

So who here has actually had sex and can tell about the experience from a teenage/first time approach? I'm weighing my options.

10:16:08 PM

I want to kill myself

09:46:47 PM

Well, I guess I won't be applying "Early Notification" to UNC...

I bet I don't get in.

what's happening to me? i like him, but not really. but i just want to like him. i just want someone.

and why am i still thinking about making my ex jealous??

03:25:06 PM

why did I leave her?

03:10:37 PM

i did a stupid thing tonight. i've gone since august completely ignoring him... and i know he's seen me around school and i've definitely seen him...but we expressly ignored each other.
and then i saw him tonight.. and i looked so good... and i just wanted him to tell me.

anyway, he left and didn't even get to see my performance, but i talked to his family (they all love me). but then i sent him a text. it was so lame: "hey i saw you tonight and i wanted to say hi but didn't get the chance. Hi, and hope everything is going well."

well obviously he didn't respond and now i feel like the biggest fucking dumbass on the face of the planet.

12:46:33 AM

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Even a simple conversation with you is incredibly painful. I had a dream that I shot you in the face and it was lovely.

06:13:45 PM

so why is everyone breaking up with their significant other?

05:48:01 PM

why the hell would you just tell me that you liked him when you are still with the other guy? especially since i like the other guy... and everyone likes him.

fucking tease.

02:36:31 PM

Friday, November 03, 2006

oh, why did you have to post your SAT scores... they're only going to make me more worried about never living up to you.

07:12:59 PM

this site used to be so cool. it's unfortunate that it sucks ass now.

05:57:03 PM

tonight we have the opening night of our school play, "The Laramie Project".

and guess what? Fred Phelps (reportedly) and his congregation, the Westboro Baptist Church from Kansas is coming... to picket us. They're picketing like 9 churches (just in time for all the masses) and then picketing outside our school Saturday night and the Sunday matinee show.

Basically, they just want to get a rise out of people so that they can get into an argument (hopefully a physical one) and the people can sue us. That's how they get their money to do this.

What the fuck must be going on their heads? "God hates fags"; "God hates Jews"; "the gays caused hurricane katrina"... seriously, i'd like to ask the guy what the fuck is wrong with him, and without giving him a chance to preach any more religious crap to me (i've been approached by jehovah's witnesses three times this week) ... i'd like to knock him out cold.

but at the same time, i kind of just want to have a conversation with him, and see if he was like beaten as a child or something, and if that's what caused his ridiculous ideology.

i really hope our school doesn't make a spectacle of itself... i hope we become models to how the rest of the nation should be. I hope no one starts a fight, or eggs him, or anything. i hope we get the strength to walk by coolly (maybe make a snarky comment or two), and just ignore that fucker until he just goes home.

04:55:15 PM

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Ha! I knew it!

I'm so glad you told me.

I could never hate you for it, I promise.

09:49:44 PM

God, this song is amazing in Polish.

05:54:02 PM

I think any girl involved with two boys is a slut, I'm sorry.

I have two friends who are dating two guys, and it's sick-nasty.

Don't do it. It's rude, especially when you bitch and waffle about which one you like better.

Get over yourself.

05:15:07 PM

you're "sick." i hope you get better. =)

you got a haircut. you look stranger, but i guess i still like you.

12:22:15 PM

Go to this page:

and scroll down to secret #19

Is it just me, or does that look kinda like the original Tangst?

08:32:16 AM

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I've tied together all my hopes and dreams--and they're all drifting away at once. I hardly know which one to chase.

10:40:30 PM

i've always been just one of the guys... only the guy's best friend, nothing more.

but lately a lot of guys have been paying attention to me and i don't know if i like it. especially since its not the guy i want to like me.

and all of them are starting to get jealous over me being friends with other guys. like suddenly i can't have ANY guy friends without there being something sexual there.

i can't go to a party and dance with one of my oldest guy friends, my first kiss, without some guy saying he's disappointed in how much i flirt with other guys.

i can't say someone looks hot with their new hair color and no glasses without someone saying i'm not paying them enough attention

GOD DAMN IT!! If you like me so much, why don't you just fucking ask me out and get it the hell over with!?!?

08:43:36 PM


12:13:53 AM

Hey, Tinted-

What happened to you? you used to post intelligent, insightful comments that mad me thing, but now you seem to have become very cynical and...angry.

It's really too bad.

12:10:33 AM

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

How dare you tell me that my relationship, with a girl I am completely in love with is "lust" and that yours with some whore that sees you only as "hookup #21" is "love"?

That takes some balls, my friend.

Oh, well. I think you were just kidding, anyway.

09:21:54 PM

So this is how things are, then?

We were friends. We promised to be best friends forever, remember that? Remember all the nights we sat awake, eating candy and talking of out future weddings? Remember?

But dropped me like a used kleenex for her friendship, and now, where are you? Friendless, ugly, and overweight, failing your classes at some prep school for rich republicans. And I? I have friends, good ones who care about me and would never hurt me like you did. Even at the public school, I have done well, better than you. My future is bright.

I can't say I hate you, because somewhere inside of you is the girl I was friends with, the sensitive, beautiful girl who I idolized and would have followed anywhere. The girl who drove away the bullies, gave me her protection.

But I do pity you. I pity you, but more than that...

I miss you.

06:49:32 PM

Monday, October 30, 2006

I feel like I'm a zit, and if anyone knows I'm here they'll pop me. I feel like a blemish on the face of society.

I am a girl. I like girls. Is there really something tremendously bad about that? If so please TELL ME WHY PLEASE!!! I truly want to know why society has pumped into me so much that sraight is the way to be that when I accept what makes me happy I feel like a pervert. Thinking about females makes me HAPPY, it's not like I'm thinking about raping young children.. so why does society give a damn!

Ok so I'm not in the social norm. Do you really think that I don't know that? Why does everyone have to rub it in my face? A majority of females think about malees when they have sexual fantasies. I diviate from this pattern. But 10% (studies say) of people are like me and deviate to, in the same way that I do. So it's not like it's an uncommon deviation or anything. IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO THINK ABOUT GIRLS. It may make you happy to think about the oppostie gender, do you want me to ruin YOUR happiness??

Please, please just think about it when you say "that is so gay" next time. Think of the person around you who is weeping inside because you are using their orientaion as an insult. Please.

11:40:10 PM

why does everything have to be so goddamn AWKWARD?

i'm so sick of it.

09:09:15 PM

i almost called the cops on that party last night, right after the sophmores showed up with six 40s and a ziplock bag of pot. maybe i shouldn't have stopped myself.

07:31:00 PM

How do you get over someone that you love so deeply? He has a girlfriend already, but I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get over him. To me, he is just so perfect. I don't think I will ever find another human being as wonderful as he is. Perhaps I should let him know that, then move on.

05:07:52 PM

i want him to love me like i love him so very much

11:33:04 AM

Sunday, October 29, 2006

this is the stuff of the legends of enloe. im so excited.

11:58:25 PM

Sometimes I fear what I post on Tangst, because I dont know who reads this, and what if those who im talking about notice it. I refrence events and it could easily be traced to me. God I hope she doesnt read this blog.

11:28:11 PM

Ive met her a few times before, but we never talked that much and it was always in a group. Today she met some boy for the first time and flirted alot with him. Later that night she and I seemed to connect and we started flirting and getting close. I realized that I was quite attracted to her, but I'm confused about the situtation and I think she is too. I suppose I'll just let things play out...

11:26:32 PM

I have Dermatillomania, and it disgusts me.

I pick at my scabs, peeling thm off in one piece, and eat them. I pick at my pimples compolsively, even though I know it just makes them worse. I bite and eat my fingernails, and when they're too short, I peel away the skin around them and eat that.

A dentist could tell how stressed out I am by th condition of my cheeks and lips- the more stress I have, the more I bite, and suck on them to make them bleed.

I think it's so gross, but I just can't stop myself. Today I tried to go the whole day without picking or biting: I made it to third period. I need therapy, or something.

10:57:29 AM

I just realized how much I look up to you guys. Our friendship means everything to me, everything that you stand for in my mind is aboslutly amazing. I wish I could tell you this in person without being awkward, yet I know that you guys embrace awkwardness. I'm learning though! Someday I'll reach your levels. Thanks so much in the mean time, your friendship means the world to me.

01:00:53 AM

A ticking time bomb
Insomniac and a slippery soap salesman
Channel primal male agression

into a shocking
new form of therapy

their concept catches on
with underground "fight clubs"
Forming in every town

until a Sensuous
and mysterious woman
comes betwen

the two men and
ignites an out of control
spiral towards

12:52:55 AM

I've stopped caring about being successful or unique or beautiful or having friends or being remembered or finding someone to care about.

It feels like I'm floating.

12:26:30 AM

Saturday, October 28, 2006

I just almost burned down my house trying to do a wiccan love spell. I also am sporting several blisters on my right hand, a slightly ashy spot in the bathroom where I ran with the papers I accidenly set aflame, and am searching for an excuse as to why I set off the fire alarm. I never tried to do this before.

God, I'm such a freak. I may as well let myself go 'cause I'm dying alone.

11:56:05 PM

I shouldn't have freaked out so bad about that one little thing. And now your friend thinks I'm a controlling nutjob.

If only he knew all the other shit we've been through. And how apathetic you've been about those things as well. The little things just build up.

01:24:44 PM

You let me down. YOU let me down. Thanks, for staying such good friends. I hope all your mistakes catch up with you and your life sucks. You deserve it, o great friend of mine.

02:22:32 AM

You really hurt me. I can't stop wishing you cared.

12:53:32 AM

Friday, October 27, 2006

I have finished my app for Early decision. Praise the lord, now maybe I can chill a little bit.

I was finking about it, at least.

I don't want a relationship. I'm not ready for one and I probably won't be for a while. But I still find myself longing for that sense of physical intimacy. I want the broad chest to rest my head against while I'm curled up in his arms. Shoulders to lean on and rest my head against. A person I can go to when I'm upset and will just hug me and not ask questions I can't answer. Someone who accepts I'm a mess, can deal with it, and not really care.

I know how unfair that entire situation would be, but I can't help wanting it. I'm ashamed that I feel this way because I always thought that I was better than this. Apparently not.

01:41:30 AM

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I promised you that I stopped cutting but I lied

10:47:34 PM

senior year is really stressful. college apps are due in less than a week, and i'm not done yet.

09:33:52 PM

i work out and i try to eat healthy but i'm not losing any weight.

and i HATE it. i don't want to lose the weight to get attention from guys, no it's so that i can finally feel comfortable with myself again. the last year has been pretty rough and i put on a couple of pounds... i'm by no means fat... in fact most people just shut me down when i try to talk about my weight. but i hate that i'm trying (apparently not hard enough) but everywhere i go people are just shoving food down my mouth thinking that it's okay.

07:13:29 PM

the student teacher in my enviro class is really hot

06:30:05 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

people say that i'm a compassionate person... and i think i am. no... i know i am. i love with every part of my being and i'm willing to trust that there is good in people. but lately i just keep getting walked all over. i keep getting hurt and i'm not sure if i keep remain the person i am. i want to be able to love with every fiber of my being. but the relationships i have keep tearing me away from this person i used to be.

05:20:06 PM

Let's just say that life isn't exactly turning out well for me. I'm in love with my friends boyfriend who i was going to ask out the day she asked him out. And he seems to like me more saying things like "*****... do you think **** would be happier without me?" or "Sometimes I think you love me more than **** does!" or "***** I love you so much... You need a good guy in your life." He's always all over me in our classes... and teachers have told me we're a cute couple... the problem lies in the fact that we're not.

Another way my life sucks... There's this boy from another school who keeps trying to get with me... and so do a lot of other guys. And i'm not talking about in the relationship kind of way... i'm talking about every other way. Ew. Plus... I really only have eyes for one guy... the guy who is already taken by my friend.

He acts like he really does like me...

what should i do?

05:17:52 PM

[Admin note: Names have been censored in compliance with Tangst policy.]

i haven't posted in a long time. i've been too busy with
and boys.

typical right? well, it's hit me so hard. and like everyone else, i want to break down. now. and i'm in school. where there are plenty of people around. but they're hopefully not looking at what i'm doing.

but i'm worried about failing
and getting bad grades,
which to my perfectionst parents,
are anything below A's.

i'm worried about losing my friends because i'm becoming annoyed with everyone. every single little thing annoys me. or i'm so worried about if my actions are what's good, so they don't get angry at me.

and boys.
well don't get me started.

tangst here.
longest post ever for me.

12:09:09 PM

fuck you, perfect people. fuck you.

i may not have a 4.5 gpa and be taking eleventy bajillion APs and i may not even be that good at the sport i'm in or the activities i'm involved with. my test scores may not be high, and i probably won't get into the college of my choice.

but you know what? i'm a good person. i'm nice, funny, and friendly--to everyone. i can make people feel comfortable, i can be the one to stand up and say what needs to be said, or be the one who has the extra large ear for people to talk to.

i'm a damn good person. i'm just not perfect.
so why do i constantly bring myself down, compare myself to other perfect people, and curse how dumb i am?

12:56:19 AM

so I was bored. This is what I did last sunday:

The house smelled like the elderly
which is the blunt way of saying it smelled
like mold, and mildew, and the dark earth, covered
lightly with a veil of potpourri and perfume. I entered
second to last, behind my grandmother and father and
grandfather and mother. my brother was behind me and
there were stiff, cold hugs and strained smiles of bodies who
had never met, before us--it was walking in to a wall.

the afternoon stretched on in bars of light that fell
through pink and purple curtains: how the dust motes
were silent and leaden. the words were punctured by
little holes of silence, the kind of hush that settles in a car
when passing by a graveyard and the children hold their breaths.
the hush as she tells us how her daughter died last spring
she was making pancakes as her the aneurism hit her brain . . . the little
boy woke up to find them burning on the oven.

the old woman, my grandmother’s friend, not seen
and out of mind for these 50 years. her eyes were strong, so
strong that I could not tell if the cancer was in her lungs
or if it hung in the air; the cause of it? her radiation. her presence.
I dare anything to come for her. I dare anyone to speak down upon
the human race.

she wrapped her husband in a quilt, a soft bed. she kissed him as he
died! that is to say . . .
he was hit by a car, and she was trained in mouth-to-mouth—
not very well. he was dead before the ambulance arrived. the quilt she
laid him in was
warm and just right
or maybe just covered in flowers. yes, the flowers of all 50 states
richly embroidered and she had been offered Six Thousand and
Three Hundred Dollars for it, and it had won First Place at the fair.
Such a bouquet will not fade. Is that a moth’s wing falling to the floor.
We will have to buy more mothballs. We shall have to stay and eat.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Tomorrow I'm going to put myself out on the line, I'm going to do what I've been draming about for a long time. I've decided that I just don't care what other people think know and I am who I am and they will just have to accept that. I am gay/lesbian whatever you want to call it. I am in love. I am going to ask my significant other out tomorrow. and tonight I am most likely going to tell one of my goodfriends who I really am. I'm tired of living a lie. Good luck to me tomorrow. Good luck to all of you on all your journeys in life.

09:37:04 PM

Relationships have to be the most confusing and stressful events that have ever taken place in my life. Even when it isn't even that serious the moment you're "dateing" i becomes awkward or feelings on both sides become confused. Ugh! Maybe all these random hookups are what people really need? (I wouldn't know, I havent ever had one)

09:04:13 PM

he told my friend that he wanted he didnt want to go to winter formal with me b/c he was afraid if i went to wf with him i wouldn't want to go to prom with him.

but then he still likes some other girl.

so how does that even work? if he liked someone else wouldnt he want to go with them to wf and prom? am i like his second choice or something?

06:02:47 PM

Weird. Her parents like me more than she does. And my parents like her more than i do. Something tells me this just won't work out.

03:34:54 PM

Monday, October 23, 2006

him:tells a story about some girl in raleigh who he could possibly have something with. says "what do you think"?
me: well you know im opposed to long distance relationships...they are basically always bad ideas
him:well thanks
him:so youre saying that me and you could never work? becuase i disagree

This is the first time he has EVER mentioned us in a romantic way...ever. I'm (secretly) in love with am I even supposed to respond to that?

10:35:24 PM

I knew I didn't want a relationship

I still don't know what you want.


yes... we hooked up... yes it was fun. but all my friends like you and i like him.

yes... i'm confused

yes... i don't know what i want

but neither do you.


Stroll in

He’s with her




Find a room

and sit

in silence


lights out



His hand finds mind

We move


Hearts pound

Arms wrap around

Eyes close



warm breath

hands glide up and down back

lie down





on top

moving slowly

then faster


quickly, panting, moaning,

SCREAMING, gasp, sigh



“Don’t worry…I won’t tell her.”



Hearts beat as one

Sweaty palms

Looking into his eyes

knowing what i want


Longing to be held

he does it




I wish i was her


[Admin Note: I'm still futzing with the margin codes and trying to decide if it's more important to have the lines right or the stanzas right.]

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I hate you two together. It's fucking annoying. I want your relationship to crash and burn. I want it to go to hell. Yeah, you're "perfect for eachother," whatever. What fucking ever. I miss you being a best friend and I miss him being a good guy friend. The only time I can talk to you now is when you're alone since you turn into an octopus around him.
Fuck you. This is a general consensus. Everyone thinks this- I know since we talked about you when you wandered away with him.
Ugh. Now I have to go be nice to your face.

11:26:50 PM

it is
the person you most
be responsible
for all your happiness
be the
of your

10:51:41 PM

I'd like to get to know you better. Take the hint.

08:51:54 PM

Why do people feel so unaccomplished without a significant other?

08:04:26 PM

How do I get a guy to like me?

07:38:32 PM

i want to work for it.
i really do.
but i just...can't
i try to motivate myself and i can't do it.
at all.

i want a boyfriend and good grades and to make people happy but i just can't.

maybe i'm trying but i just suck.
or maybe i'm not trying.

it's just, i want to. but i can't.

04:45:31 PM

nope i'm not gonna think about him.

cuz then it'll ruin it.

01:13:06 AM

how could i have been so hearless.

i wasn't there for you when you told him you didn't even want to be friends anymore.

i wasn't there when you cried.

i wasn't there for you when you b on a test happened.

no i am to caught up in my own world to help.

to caught up in my own reality.

to caught up in wanting a boyfriend. no hun not him. the JE**.

to caught up in english reading (the chosen) to listen to my friends needs

i must be a total witch.

its no concidence that witch rhymes with B**CH.

12:44:58 AM

Saturday, October 21, 2006

My anger is a sign of disgust with myself.

11:52:16 PM

Remember this guy?

"I'm the guy that most girls look for, I know this because they tell me. I can make them laugh and cheer them up and be there when they are most in need. The only thing is IM POOR! not just a little, ALOT. I live with my mom and she doesnt work, so I work to pay partial rent for our place. Its so embarassing, that I dont tell anyone where I live or what I do after school.
I never get close to a girl ever and have her find out how pathetic my life is, so ive never had a gf because of that.

If you were in my situation what would you do?

That was me, ever since the day I posted that, i got so much positive feedback from you guys, that I finally got the never to ask out the girl that I really liked, and turned out she really liked me too, and all the other stuff really doesnt matter. I am the happiest guy on earth tonight, because we kissed for the first time. I never thought tangst would help me fix anything, but it really did. Thank you, so much!

11:51:58 PM

I feel a sense of impending doom daily now. I am a teenage girl and I don't believe I will live to be really old. I feel like I will get in a bad car wreck and possibly die or will be murdered. How many others sense this?

07:29:16 PM

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I didn't really know him very well. Our AP Bio class only has 12 people in it, though, so I did know him even if only as an acquaintance.
He moved here this past summer, from a nearby school district but he was born in South Carolina.
I was the first person to say hey, and find out his name, the first person to reach out and be his friend instead of treating him as the "new kid" (i know what it's like to move and know no one)... at least in our class. He was so courteous and nice--from the very beginning, I noticed that he was a gentleman and so tranquil, calm and gentle in his manners. There are so many little things about him that you wouldn't expect people to remember... but lately, they keep surfacing.

On Tuesday night he was driving back from Ames, from his girlfriend's volleyball game, and was hit by a drunk driver (37) who was on the wrong side of the interstate--he swerved back and forth between the median before hitting his car head-on. His car was spun around and then hit by a 70 year old couple from the back. He was prounounced dead at the scene. He was a senior.

He was taking four college level classes, and working 30 hour weeks at Toys R Us, to support his family. His dad, a pastor, had recently been let go. He had twin brothers in ninth grade, a younger sister in junior high, and a brother in fourth grade.
Not many people knew him because he was new, but the people who did were truly affected by his kind, considerate, and huge heart.

I never knew him well, barely as an acquaintance. He went out of his way to say hello to me in the hallway, and always had a smile on his face--even with the pain of a broken ankle (and crutches).

I'm sorry, Jon. You were loved. I hope you're at peace.

07:59:52 PM

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I hope you never come back. You suck. Call me if you want me--'cause I'm not paying you anymore mind.

10:45:47 PM

This year is inconsiderate, considering I've actually bothered to consider a relationship with someone and can't find the time to do anything about it.
I don't feel any of the stuff taking up my time has a point either. It's just keeping me here a little longer 'fore I go off.

09:39:06 PM

Maybe what I need now is random hook ups. *** ***'s been looking pretty good lately.

07:33:39 PM

[ Admin Note: Name censored in compliance with Tangst policy ]

I met what seemed to be the most absolutely perfect guy over the weekend. The chemistry was instantanious, we just kind of clicked together. We spent 90% of the weekend together flirting and he initiated all of the relationship-ish stuff that happened between us. HE kissed me first. HE held my hand first. HE put his arm around me.
I went pretty far with him over the weekend- the furthest I've ever been with a guy.
The next day he told me that he was extremely confused about his actions over the weekend and that, while he "liked me", he wanted our relationship to be real but deep down inside he knew his feelings were false because he's gay. He stopped talking to me and kind of drifted away.

I'm still in the "Wait... What?" phase and I've been tearing myself up over it ever since.

Guys are dumb.

07:29:01 PM

I don't want your disorders.

04:38:30 PM

i think i just want a boyfriend, just for the fact that i would have one. =/

12:04:22 PM

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I am worried about you. You say you're "fine" and I shouldnt worry about it..but I sense differently. I hope everything works its self out.

I am here for you

10:28:03 PM

sometimes i think i need a boyfriend just to stop freaking out about what my friends do with their boyfriends.

any advice?

10:07:50 PM

So you're "siding with me" even though I'm being "completely unreasonable?"

Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha.


07:33:12 PM

So, hickeys. hot or gross?

07:14:01 PM

Monday, October 16, 2006

there's this guy that sits next to me in one of my classes, and he's pretty cute... the whole school year we've had this friendly flirting-joking sort of relationship... and i know he has a girlfriend, but he doesn't really talk about her that much. and hes SO nice, and just a wonderful guy. well just today i realized that he kind of might be into me and that he isn't necessarily joking around... he actually is flirting.
and then he was talking about how he got out of this meeting early so he went to go hang out with his gf and i asked what they did, and then said "wait do i not wanna know?" and he said,
"oh no, we didn't do anything. we never do. yeah, the relationship's pretty lame."

and then continued to flirt with me.

what do i DO? what does this MEAN?!?!

10:12:45 PM