Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Now kiss me goddamnit.

03:50:00 AM

Monday, March 23, 2009

Box box is slacking here. Step up your game good sir.

02:10:00 PM

Seriously. What the fuck?

12:56:00 AM

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Loving you is killing me.

08:34:00 PM

I'm tired of boys at my school who can't get any girls tell me that girls at state schools are so much hotter. especially when they are ugly. do they not know that they are unattractive and that boys at state schools are better looking than them??

07:49:00 PM

After moving cross country for college, thinking it would make me a happier person, I realize that I've never been more miserable in my entire life. Completely broke, all of my classes dropped, and on the verge of eviction (from my dorm!), I'm at the end of my rope. Further more, I lack a proper social network, choosing to purposely alienate myself with the knowledge I'll probably have to leave. At the same time, going back home would make me feel like an utter failure in the eyes of my mother and peers. I don't even have any idea how to begin moving back, I just feel so hopeless and lost. I just want to drop out.

Of course on top of all of this there's relationship drama. The boy of my dreams is on the coast I moved from. Before we parted ways he said that he thinks "We'll be OK" but I don't know what that means. He's all I think about and I haven't the slightest idea how he feels about me now, even after dating for nearly a year. I'm positive he's going to find someone a million times better than me.

I've totally F'ed my life up, I just felt so pressured even after realizing that I didn't want to leave anymore, I did and now I don't even know why I'm here.

10:42:00 PM

Holy shit I just realized I'm a player.

09:20:00 AM

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Shit. The big 2-0.

My tangst is no longer valid.

Damn it.

A few weeks ago, I sent him a message telling him how much our relationship meant to me. Both the very short romantic portion and the awesome friendship prior to that. I told him how he helped me through the worst months of my life and thanked him for being there. He never responded to that message.

Since we broke up a little over three months ago, I can count the number of times he has initiated any kind of conversation with me on my fingers, despite the fact that we eat lunch together every day. Casual side-conversation, where we act like we're okay with each other, is usually the extent of our interactions. Today he casually asked how I was doing. When I responded with a "been better", he wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to scream at him that there was no point in trying to pretend like he cared about me now.

But before all this, he was the only one that helped. When I was around him, I didn't feel like I was putting on the same show of being happy as I was with everybody else. It was genuine. Now that things have only gotten worse, I feel like I should be distancing myself from him, instead of trying to get back what we had before. But I can't. I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that could maybe help me again someday. So I'm taking this awkward, fake civility over nothing. Not being over him is bad enough, I don't think I could handle losing him forever.

08:18:00 PM

I like my best guy friend here, who has a girlfriend somewhere far away. I think he's really cool for many reasons and I can identify with him better than most here, but truthfully I think I like him most out of convenience and lack of someone better in my life at the moment. I should get over him, because we're just not going to happen (though if he didn't have a girlfriend we totally would... Is it bad that we're flirty enough that I can tell that?). But honestly, I don't really want to get over him. It's so much more fun and easier to keep hoping that "someday, maybe..."

11:00:00 PM

I just found myself sucking face with my best guy friend in a closet in my dorm who I feel close to nothing for and who apparently loves me.

Is there some way that I can let him know that I don't ever want that to happen again?

07:36:00 PM

The Boy I just hooked up with last night: Really pretty, interesting, grating and annoying personality.

The Boy I have a crush on: Not bad looking, extraordinarily egotistical and pseudointellectual.

My "constant" boy: Pretty damn ugly, really, REALLY funny, can be a total dick when everyone else is around, also has an ego problem, makes me happy.

I wish I could find a boy who I liked for most of his characteristics instead of just a few.

04:58:00 PM