Monday, April 30, 2007

If it is like this for everyone I don't know how they can stand it.

I can't.

09:05:00 PM

I am a compulsive liar.

I lie all the everyone about everything. My parents, my friends, people that I love, strangers. I know it's my fault that no one really knows me, but it still sucks.

It scares me how easy it is.

06:54:00 PM

I love being high at school.

03:38:00 PM

things are going good.
let's hope this lasts a while.

11:56:00 AM

You made me so wet tonight that it soaked through my pants.

01:07:00 AM

Sunday, April 29, 2007

You have done more in the past three months to help me heal from my sexual assualt than I did for myself in the past three years.

You found me attractive, and approached me, which no one has done since that day, and you've let me go as slow as I needed even though you're much more experienced than I am.

I feel beautiful again. Not used goods, not a victim. Beautiful and a woman in my own right.

Thank you.

11:20:00 PM

My life is a cosine graph, with a period of six months.
Right now the derivative is zero and the second derivative is positive.
Not good.

09:26:00 PM

I am too tired. It's becomeing a problem.

07:50:00 PM

There is nothing I hate more than feeling helpless.

10:15:00 AM

Saturday, April 28, 2007

"What does it mean?"

"It means 'I dare you to love me.'"


This is the real conversation we have every single time we talk. This is what it feels like every time I talk to you.

09:19:00 PM

mind blowing sex anyone?

08:03:00 PM

Its sucks that I'm going to be leaving all my enloe friends behind next year. friends both new and old i will most likely not see after this year. Yes i could try to maintain contact but I feel that that probably will only work for a little while then they will be gone.

04:59:00 PM

I just got my hands on some vicodin. Holy shit i'm rich.

04:52:00 PM

I finally did it. I just deleted my entire porn collection off my hard drive.

10 gigabytes...all gone. I am so proud of myself.

12:02:00 PM

Friday, April 27, 2007

Last night I cut myself 5 times on my wrist and I never cut on my wrist always my arm or leg.

I have no one to talk to because I'm the one everyone spills to

11:59:00 PM

mostly i'm pretty modest about it, but i really am a good person. it's not even that i necessarily go out of my way to do things, but a lot of times i will. (like picking up trash from the ground, or that time i helped that poor soph kid puking into a garbage can to the nurse.) i'm not trying to gain anyone's approval (i don't think), but it's just part of who i am.

i think i like it the best.

12:17:00 AM

Thursday, April 26, 2007

damn it why do you keep looking at me like that and flirting with me and such are you interested or not. You seem so random yet oddly attractive to me.
-confused guy

10:31:00 PM

Looking back at old tangst posts...there are some I'm not sure if I wrote, or someone else did.

In a way, it's rather heartening...

It means the gaps between us all are necesarily all that insurmountable.

10:25:00 PM

So, I was searching through some old files on my computer, and I came across this. This was the beginnings of what was originally to be a chronicle of all that had happened on Tangst over its first few months. While I did originally start elaborating on these topics, I never did finish, and if I posted them, it would take up way too much space. So take a look, enjoy, and remember the good ol' days.

1. Tangst forms as an extension of Sithgirl's blog, The Idiosyncratic
2. The teacher posts
3. True Tangst
4. The Great Class Rank Debate
5. The Teacher Posts
6. The Maverick Poems
7. The Christmas Posts
8. Enloe Midterms
9. The Great Homosexuality Debate - With a Tangst Record of 82 Posts Before It Left the Main Page
10. The 300th Post
11. "I fucked my neighbor's dog" - Tangst growing pains, censorship debate
12. Tangst appears on Wikipedia, and is not long after deleted
13. The First of the Cutting/Addiction to Various Things Posts
14. The First Admin Crush Topics
15. The 500th Post
16. thewordofrashi gains Contributor Status. I had to...
17. The Honor Code
18. Prom Posts Begin/Valentine's Day
19. The First Real Cutting Topic (More follow in the coming weeks)
20. Preparations for TangstCon
21. The Uncertainty Period (What if I fail at life?)
22. TangstCon (perhaps merge with preparations?)
23. People Begin to Criticize the Actions of Admins and Contributors
24. Spring Break
25. Ailill_Angra_Mainyu Makes His Consecutive Posts, thus Annoying the Hell out of Tangsters for Weeks to Come
26. The Very First Admin Crush Post, Plus some OTPs (Many, many more to come)
27. April Fools - The Most Disgusting Background in the History of Mankind
28. The Rashi Posts Begin - Both criticizing and loving him
29. The 1000th Post and the Admin Responses
30. Prom
31. "I love _____" Posts Run Rampant

Last night something really bad happened to me.
I called you crying, and all I said was "Can you do me a favor?" you said "of course" and then I asked you to just talk for 10 or 20 minutes about anything. I could tell you were in your dorm with your friends. You might have been drunk, but you always hide it well. But you walked out of the room to where you could hear me. After about 20 minutes you asked me would I be OK and I said yes and then you asked if you were supposed to ask me about it. I hesitated and said no. Then you said "because I want to ask, you know that right?"
I hadn't known that. I said I really didn't want to talk about it, which was true. We hung up and I was able to go to sleep.

You have no idea how much I needed someone to distract me last night. The fact that you dropped what you were doing and talked to me means so much more than you know. And that fact that you wanted to ask what was wrong means the most. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I couldn't. I hope you don't worry.

Sometimes I get frusterated with you when you are too busy or too wasted to talk. I get angry when you are in town and I'm too busy to see you. But I have always known and now I know even more, that you are there for me more than anyone else when it counts. Thank you.

02:55:00 PM

i am trying so hard to like you... but i just don't.

02:01:00 PM

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

It will not get better. It will get worse and it will not get better. It will get worse because I am making it worse and it will not get better.

10:38:00 PM

Is it weird that my day doesn't seem complete until we talk?

10:14:00 PM

why the FUCK am I so stupid?

09:17:00 PM

Talking to you so often, I sometimes feel really guilty. I wonder if, had I not lied months ago, you would be happier, or at least less sad and stressed. That maybe your current and persistent misery is somehow my fault. If only I had admitted things, maybe you wouldn't have gone back to her, maybe you'd be able to be your own person again.

Maybe I wouldn't see the life being sucked out of you on a daily basis.

12:21:00 AM

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

some days
I feel like a
dried up carcass, weathered and worn
hardened like a human jerky stick

as my soul is

and I realize that what I want out of life
us not the same thing, that
life wants out of me
as this society swoops in like a flock of overbearing vultures
they pick me apart

To be.

I can’t.

a heavy sponge of chloroform over my nostrils
until my body functions
but there is nothing left within

10:03:00 PM

We're going to laugh together and be silly. It wil be relaxed and wonderful.

It's exactly what we need after we've put ourselves through so much empty angst over each other.

And it's just what I need. Slow and simple.

Thank goodness I said something.

And thank goodness he cares enough about me to do what I ask. Slow down.

This isn't even a sad post, for once, probably the first time it hasn't been.

I was courageous enough to say what needed to be said. Now I'm going to be happy for a while. If I get any negative comments or whatnot--know this.

I'm happy and I have little to no reason to care if you have something mean to say.

08:07:00 PM

I understand completely how you are feeling. You 'hate' me but I understand. Maybe you like him... I am just guessing. I understand what that is like. I really don't have anything against you. I don't know why you think I do. I didn't make an obscene gesture at you or call you any names. I am not that girl. I am sorry if you miss him and I am sorry if I took him off the market and out of your arms. But he did want you and you didn't want him back. So he moved on. Every time I see you coming I dodge in another direction but as my favorite adult said: "It's your school too" and he is mine too. He does really like me. I am so lucky for that and grateful and I am not looking to hurt him. I understand if you are protective. But things between him and I are good. We really have a good thing going. I think that as 'needy' as I am his desire to fix every problem is comforting. BUT I do agree with you... I have to solve my own problems. But you are missing the point. He wants me. He wants to be with me. So I am not using him for his support. We are supporting each other, feeding off each other. We care about each other. How long is this relationship going to last? Well I don't know but it sure isn't ending tomorrow. I don't understand why you are going to lose your friendship with him over me. But what I realize... is that this isn't about me. This is about him and how much you care for him. But think... if you really cared about him you'd let him be happy. I am sick of seeing him upset over you treating him horribly. I understand how hard it is ... I've been through this. I am a nice person ... get to know me before you hate me. Try to see what he sees. I am not trying to push you out of his life. In fact I want you there just as much as I want my former best friend in my life. Don't be silly. Please talk to him.

Please treasure these last two months and don’t spend them hating on someone whose company you enjoy.

04:25:00 PM

Monday, April 23, 2007

My friend called me tonight and I didn't pick up because I had a razor to my wrist.

I put away the razor and checked my messages

10:32:00 PM

PromQueen is just too awesome for words. So much better than LonelyGirl15.

So, like, WTF is with the teeth in the case? is Josh the tooth fairy, or what?

(and if anyone knows what I'm talking about, I'll be very proud)

07:34:00 PM

The Crash

About as
As contemplating
Death on
Prom night

All of a sudden
The kid who’s been
The back of your seat
Get his

The jackass who
Took up all the
In the
Is your

It’s all floating
And you wonder
Even if
They find
Your teeth
They’ll surely
Your nail clippers
Wedding band
That resides
In your
On these types of

The oxygen slips
Eyes are big
Quarter machine

You wish
You could give
Them to that
Kid behind

Where is his mother?

Head’s against
The stiff
Of the flight attendant

Who the hell lets their five-year old fly?

TV dinners
Midnight reruns of Soul Train
In that
Fuzzy color

The beach
The prowling link of

Fly, fly

01:02:00 AM

Sunday, April 22, 2007

how do you tell a guy you don't like him after you lead him on accidentally.

09:27:00 PM

this room feels so...empty

what is wrong with me

07:27:00 PM

I called the hopeline for the first time last night, right after prom.
It was too late to call my doctor and I didn't want to wake my parents up. I found the number from tangst. Thank you.

10:28:00 AM

Ive got a strange way of interacting with people. Sometimes I'm a socialite who is the focus of the room but then other times I get so nervous just being around other people I cant bring my self to be anything other than "that quiet kid". Its so odd cause the two people are polar opposites. I wonder what makes me change.

12:23:00 AM

Saturday, April 21, 2007

"Iris" describes my quandry almost exactly.

"I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am..."

why do you persist in liking her?

07:09:00 PM

zomg prom

03:51:00 PM

He makes me feel like a fritter plunging into boiling oil.

Oh magical realism. Suddenly it doesn't seem so magical. It makes absolute, perfect sense.

08:42:00 PM

Is there any way to figure out which of your pieces got into Stone Soup if you submitted more than one?

04:53:00 PM

Friday, April 20, 2007

I vote to change the "topics" so we have fewer ones with only 1 post attached to them.
Why? Well, let's see:
"House" seems like a topic people will post about often.
"Dead babies" ???
"Wisdom Teeth"

How about fitting those into broader topics. Maybe "pimples" could fit into "body image"?
"Dead Babies" into "joke"?

Maybe I'm way out of line but, I think that a little fixing of our topics would help people who search through them.
There are way too many.

08:04:00 PM

420 is going to be the shit.

06:32:00 PM

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Mind your own damn business.

09:01:00 AM

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I really cant decide who I want to support in the election, I don't like the democratic candidates so far but I really don't like the main base of the republican platform.

Al sharpton 2008 y'all

11:01:00 PM

how do you tell someone how you feel without getting hurt?

09:34:00 PM

I seem to have gotten someone in very, very big trouble.

07:39:00 PM

Poor little girl doesn't know what she's getting in to.

But I do.

And I can blow her off as easily as a fly.

He's mine, for as long as I want him.

Then she can take him.


07:20:00 PM

Did anyone (Juniors) see the presentation in the auditorium 8th period? If so, can you please tell me what fat men dancing has to do with selling senior pictures?

05:27:00 PM

I'm failing English. I may not graduate.

No one would guess this.

09:10:00 AM

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

For the longest time, I thought FTW meant Fuck The World.

My confusion was undersandable, don't you think?

08:34:00 PM

I don't love him.

I know who does.

I hope she hates me.

She wouldn't be alone.

03:52:00 PM

Hello, my name's Sam, and I'm a really suspicious bastard.

Really, though, because I am constantly plotting and scheming, I suspect everyone else of doing the same.

Karma's a bitch, hey?

12:06:00 AM

Monday, April 16, 2007

I actually really like him. He's so attractive and cute. I think he likes me too. But I'm afriad to get involved with him and I'm afriad of what other people might think...

11:45:00 PM

are small boobs a turn-off, in general?

09:38:00 PM

is anyone (except couples) actually into the person they are going with to prom?

09:29:00 PM

i did a stupid stupid thing and now i'll have to live life knowing i'll never be good enough for anyone. this is the only reason i can understand us never working out. because all the other reasons were stupid.

06:43:00 PM

Virginia Tech... I hate that my first thought was "wow, somebody finally beat Columbine," as if lives were scores. I feel a little less human now.

05:16:00 PM

I think he's ashamed of me. That's why he doesn't want anyone to know.

04:36:00 PM

Sunday, April 15, 2007

If love were what the rose is,
And I were like the leaf,
Our lives would grow together
In sad or singing weather,
Blown fields or flowerful closes,
Green pleasure or grey grief;
If love were what the rose is,
And I were like the leaf.

09:46:00 PM

My Bra sucks (freaking strapless). My dress is red, and my life is over. Prom's going to suck for me this year. And it's my last. Cute guy friend though!

07:18:00 PM

I think my just-going-as-friends prom date has a crush on me. We've known eachother forever and I always joke about us being soulmates, I mean, we're pretty much best friends. Him having a crush on me changes EVERYTHING. I hate awkward shit. But first I'm going to make sure so I don't turn into a psycho bitch for no reason.

04:46:00 PM

i had my first kiss last night. i've been afraid for so long that it would never happen, or that when it did i would be terrible at it or something. but it was perfect, and completely worth waiting for.

04:26:00 PM

god damn it, I'm tired of all of these feelings.

I wish I'd never met him.

04:07:00 PM

I want to rip him apart. In the best way possible.

I don't know how much more of this dancing around each other I can take before I attack him.

01:51:00 PM

You sycophantic whore, I'm not believing a word you say any more

I hope you rot in hell and take your 'soulmate' with you

01:15:00 PM

I loved her. That is really all there is to it.

But it could never work. I know what I want, and I know what she wants. Twoo entirely seperate things. So I'm trying to move on. I'm looking away and trying to drift away. She knows it, I think. But now I'm afraid that, once again, my timing is terrible. I have a feeling that now, of all times, she is changing. And I fear that my pulling away is hurting her more than my unreturned love used to hurt me.

My dilema is that I've moved on, mostly. I can't reverse the effort that I have put in. It would kill me, literally.

I want her to know that I'm sorry. But I can't talk to her. I wouldn't know what to say, what to do. I guess I hope that she reads this post, and knows that I'm talking to her in the only way I can.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

No seriously God, it's cute, this little game. I mean take someone like me, one of the most picky people in the world when it comes to girls, and give me "her". That chick, the one who lines up with me in taste and fury and fire. But hell that'd be too easy eh? Here's a thought, throw in a few 659 miles of freeway and monotonous East Coast scenery and one "weekend", make sure its magical, make sure I'm hooked, certifiably so.

No, seriously I wouldnt expect anything less from an extremely bored, omnipotent diety.

But I swear I better see Jesus Christ himself in the next few days to personally tell me I've been Punk'd.

...because I'm really gettin sick of this "fallen in love" shit.

03:28:00 AM

We ended tonight with an awkward hug, but I think I love him.

01:15:00 AM

Friday, April 13, 2007

I can't decide if I'm being selfish, her friend is, or we both are.

11:51:00 PM

Thursday, April 12, 2007

i just want to hold him in my arms and fall alseep together once again. He makes my world turn... so who is going to tell that to him?

besides. its not possible right now.

10:05:00 PM

Suicide of loved ones burns holes in people's hearts.

I hope he rests in peace.

08:45:00 PM

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

my friend's doing lots of drugs. i'm worried about him, but i feel like i don't know what to do. i'm not here to preacher, okay? but i don't want anything to happen to him either. (i don't drugs myself.)

11:55:00 PM

remember when tangst had an argument about the duke rape case.

well heres some closure.

all the charges were dropped.

and i hope those three guys sue the living hell out of mike nifong.

03:41:00 PM

I'm going to be kicked out of college because of a fucking ALARM CLOCK!


11:07:00 AM

i feel so guilty when i don't spend as much time on something as i should/could have and then people thank me for being so dedicated.

10:37:00 AM

the physics field trip is going to be the "shit".

10:05:00 PM

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

When I realized I will only see him another 350 times in the rest of my life, I wanted to cry.

I never want to graduate. Fuck, why do I still love him?

09:00:00 PM

They're taking my brother away from me
They're taking my goddamn best friend away from me and putting him in fucking wisconsin

FUCK he belongs at home

god damn it why the fuck is this happening

I'm addicted to prescription amphetamines. I will do anything to get them.

That's my biggest secret. I wish I was ashamed.

05:31:00 PM

Prom tickets anyone??

20 dollars only.

10:47:00 PM

Monday, April 09, 2007

They can never be a couple. They're both divas.

03:56:00 PM

OK, I admit it. I like him. *blushes*

But the last thing I want is another stupid teenage relationship where you show off the boyfriend like an accessory, which many of my friends do. He's too good for that crap (and I know better).

03:10:00 PM

Die shoulder pimple! Die!

12:08:00 AM

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Each night the urge to die gets stronger

09:49:00 PM


08:35:00 PM

Tintedfragipan reminds me of that prudish man who writes a column in the N&O on grammar mistakes in the media.

However, as one who will undoubtedly commit some sort of grammatical crime in the very near future (or who just did), I salute you.

Even now I feel myself spurred towards greater grammatic perfection by the thought of your acerbic satire directed at my feeble prose.

Grammarians of the world, I hope you are able to turn back the tide of modernity. Or atleast prevent it from washing away all the conventions of our language.

05:04:00 PM

I really wish my parents would stop buying me presents. It just makes me sad that they have no idea what I really want and just buy me impersonal things that I have no space or use for and have to keep so that they don't feel bad.

I told them they didn't have to buy me anything this year (Easter really isn't the sort of holiday you need to give gifts on) and then they did anyway.

02:14:00 PM

I wonder if there is any way that we could convince our parents to have a sleepover. Not to have sex, just to spend the night in each others arms. That would be so amazing and fantastic. (sighs) has anyone else had luck with boy/girl sleepovers?

12:41:00 AM

so this is classic- i like him, and maybe he likes me? but he has a girlfriend (that he's been dating for 3 years). we were only supposed to be friends. i never thought i would be the one muscling in on some other girl's boyfriend. and of course i feel badly, but there's this part of me that secretly thinks it'd be great if they'd just break up so we could go out. i wish there was some way to avoid anyone getting hurt. but one of us will, and it'll probably be me. but maybe it would be worse if it were her, because it would make me a terrible person. i dislike this situation, but i do honestly kind of like finally having someone to care about again. i feel like i have an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulders. i probably sound like it, too.

12:40:00 AM

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Admin Notice - Enloe Spring Break


I want to tell you, but I can't. I'm sorry.

(you might like him too)

09:17:00 PM

i feel like an ass for applying to nc state. i feel like i took somebody's seat who actually might have been serious about attending. i'm an asshole...

01:18:00 AM

Man I really hate that right as I get to know my friends from highschool best I leave them for college.

11:31:00 PM

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I have a group of very good friends and I usually love hanging out with them, but recently, I feel like they just ignore me. I feel like the little, quiet girl who follows them around, but I am really not like that.

What is wrong with me? augh.

11:58:00 PM

...why did we suddenly gain so many admins back?

06:01:00 PM

I'm really happy that we haven't really been talking anymore. I'm glad to be rid of you. I mean, I never thought I'd meet someone more self-obsessed than myself, but time after time you've proven me wrong. I guess this recent time has been the last straw. Your inability to hold your tongue or suppress actions that humiliate others for self gratification and image got really, really old.
I hope all of the friends who like you because you're "cute and fun" realize who you are.

I hope YOU realize who you are.

12:01:00 PM

crap, we broke up

i don't know exactly how i feel. obviously i wish we woulda been able to stay together, but she seems to have some really compelling reasons why we shouldn't be together.

i don't know, maybe she's right

P.S. and i know that your going to be able to tell that this is me

P.S.S. and i hope that when you said you still wanted to go to prom with me, its because u think u'd have a good time, not out of convenience

P.S.S.S. and i'm sorry if i've been a jerk and really stubborn recently, but i just need some time

09:19:00 AM

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I can't wait for our date tomorrow.

10:12:00 PM

i had sex. thats common knowledge except to the person that should probably know. i had sex with HIM, see the with HIM part is not common knowledge and by with HIM i mean the scum of the earth, the alchoholic, the failure, the lustful HIM. HIM who no one knows. The HIM who is seperate from my world at school. The HIM who i continue to lust for no matter how much the HIM hurts me. the HIM hurt me for the last time tonight. He wants to forget it happened ... he wants to forget me. well ok. he can forget me. and i'll try to forget him. but its hard to forget your first time. I am a sexual person. there will be more sex. That's not the issue.

Now to this new amazing man. he is great. i feel wonderful around him. But his exit from my life is so soon but oddly comforting. Do i tell the new man about HIM. Do I? HIM happens to be a big factor in my life. I don't want to forget HIM. I just don't. But this new man is turning out to be unforgettable. oh how glad i am.

oh how i tell myself to please not screw it up.

12:39:00 AM

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

my dad just pisses me the hell off sometimes. his stupid critical jokes ARENT FUNNY ALL THE TIME. and he doesnt realize that hes being an asshole. and if you point it out he denies it and just thinks i cant take a joke. hes so irrational fucking hell. ARG i just wish i could do what i wanted without having to be around him. we have this immediate "forgive and forget" policy just so we can coexist.

11:38:00 PM

Shit guys. I think I love him.

03:49:00 PM

i want to kill every woman who's ever had an orgasm with a man because i hate them all

especially the ones who had orgasms with him

12:57:00 PM

I know I should be happy for all the people in our graduating class who overcame the mediocrity and got into ivy league colleges, overcame whatever issues they had at home and with friends and in relationships, and didn't let it ruin their chances.

But I did let it ruin my chances. I just needed a few more months, and it happened anyway.

All the great-college-goers have a great life ahead of them, so it doesn't matter when I say that




And that it doesn't matter. This April fool's the joke was on me.

11:35:00 AM

Monday, April 02, 2007

i want her. and him. and i want them to want me.

and i want me to want me. except not be self centered or asexual or anything.

wow i sound fucking stupid.

11:05:00 PM

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiit

i just put a big scratch on our car...i think i'll say that someone must've done it in a parking lot and driven away

08:44:00 PM

N.C. State said no.

Which means I'm going to Appalachian... hours away from evryone I know. It's not like many of them even talk to me anymore, but it's not any better knowing that now I'm losing everone I know.

Everything my father ever told me about me failing to suceed in this world is now proved true. I wanted so, so badly to prove him wrong...

More than anything though, it means that I'll be far away from whom I love. It didn't matter that it wasnt' returned, just as long as I was close...

But now like everything and everyone else in my life, I have to leave that, too.

I don't even know why I'm going to college, now. Not like this. Not so alone.

05:41:00 PM

Sunday, April 01, 2007

How do you get a specific guy to ask you to spring formal?

09:02:00 PM