Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I'm on academic probation, and I just to drop out. I spent eight hours studying for a test I got a fifty on. I failed a class because I slept through one of the exams. I have ALWAYS been a bad student. I have ALWAYS felt stupid at school. I have ALWAYS felt out of place around people. Eating meals in my room, avoiding answering my phone.

So many people I knew, so many of the people who came here when I was in highschool are so talented and beautiful in so many ways and I'm not like them. Being around people like them, sucesful people, happy people... it just reminds me of all the things I'm not.

I'm so scared of life outside of college. Panic attacks and all the important things I forget and being turned down when jobhunting all the time.

I have been at the edge of killing myself for so long because I'm just NOT fit to be here. I AM a burden and there's no guarantee at all of ever being able to hold myself up. and it HURTS. It hurts so damn bad every single day to be so incompetent and different. Not even different in an interesting or 'cool' way.

People would cry if I died... but people cry over people they don't even know. If I just move somewhere, lose contact, and never speak to them again, they'd never shed a tear.

So what's the difference?

I'll be twenty in a week, and this will be teenage angst no longer. Just the same stupidity there's always been. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm a coward and the things I feel so strongly never seem to amount to much, so I doubt these feelings will either, but it's true. I don't want to let those numbers roll over and face the person I've become. The way my life goes... I'm not living anyway.

10:09:00 PM

i'm sixteen years old. i feel very lonely. i have a lot of friends but i feel like none of them share my vision of what is life. i want very close friends, i want to have meaningful discussions, i want to explore, i want to experience.

i want to be happy.

the reality i live in is so dissapointing. i'm afraid of what's coming up. it is so scary how no one really knows how i feel or who i am...

i am so confused about ... everything. i'm disturbed.
so hard to find the right words..
i do drugs, often alone, because i'm trying to escape from this existence. i'm trying to set my spirit and my body free.

im trying to get to know myself. i seek for authenticity.

why do most people have to make me feel so different...

07:31:00 PM

All of the things that make them perfect for one another are the ways in which they are different from me.
But I'm not quite ready yet to say


06:23:00 PM

I am doing SO GOOD. It is just hard to fight the urge to want praise for doing what I should be able to do easily...

05:12:00 PM

I jack off to your facebook pictures.

09:36:00 PM

My boyfriend is ugly.

08:44:00 PM

i never know what to do anymore.

05:40:00 PM

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I know you were hitting on me all night but I ignored it.

I feel sorry for you, because I went through exactly the same thing after I broke up with my boyfriend--trying to find the next living, breathing human to fill that void.

Because things will not work out between us as a couple and I like you too much to let a two-week Christmas hookup come between our friendship.

So (I think) it's for your own good that I pushed your hand away and turned to kiss you on the cheek.

Please let this not be weird. You're the closest thing I have to a brother.

01:14:59 AM


12:25:00 AM

Thursday, December 25, 2008

anyone on here ever transfer to a different college? I'm doing really well at my current school and have considered transferring to UNC-CH mostly due to cost but also because I may have a job lined up for me after I graduate. I was happy to be in a new setting at my current school because I was able to redefine myself. I guess my big question is if it was difficult transferring or if there is anything that I wouldn't expect that transfers have to put up with.

09:33:00 PM

Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!


It doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year, but the time is thusly upon us. The gifts are bought, decorations are hung about the house, and food has begun to be prepared.

I just don't really feel in the mood. I'm physically sick and mentally exhausted. I've been stressed and overworked. And to top it off, I'm growing distant from my family.

Basically, I'm getting old and crotchety, with no end in sight.

12:00:00 AM

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I can't control how upset I get sometimes. I transferred from a school that made me incredibly depressed to a school where all of my friends are at. I live with two good friends, one of whom picks fights with me constantly (A definite source of anger). My grades are not as solid as they were last year, and the classes are harder, but that's what I wanted.. right? Mostly I feel bad because innocent bystanders (friends and family) get pulled into the vortex. I don't want to drag them down, and I hope they know that I don't mean to take it out on them. I love them. I'm a coward.

11:26:00 PM

We're going to have sex. I really think we are. I'm so excited and I'm so scared. I'm a virgin and I'm 18.

11:23:00 PM

I left my house the other day out of frustration and I realized I had no where in Raleigh to go. So I dropped by cookout and went to Best Buy right before they closed and drove around the beltline.

09:43:00 PM

I'm BEYOND happy. I've been waiting for this guy for years and it's happening and I can't believe it. I will never have to look at another man again in my life!

11:09:00 AM

I really wish you hadn't done that. I have, yet again, been given too much knowledge and I don't know what to do with it. I would never rat you out, but I would sacrifice our friendship to help you. I will not be your enabler.

01:38:00 AM

I ended high school with almost zero friends. I burned most of my bridges and I haven't looked back and I am currently the happiest I've ever been. My new friends actually care about me. My boyfriend loves me 100% and I've never experienced this close of a bond before. I had problems with drugs, yeah, and that's why most of my friends gave up on me and I've overcome. I know most of them don't read this and I know some of them still do and I don't even give a fuck if they know who they are or not. I'm happy. I'm fucking happy. I beat drugs and I beat the losers who gave up on me. Just sharing the love and I guess self-flagellating a little bit. Feels good.

12:12:00 AM

Seriously. Learn to take care of yourself. Stand up by yourself, learn how to take care of yourself, learn to take emotional responsibility of yourself. I'm sick of wiping you off the floor when you make it so easy for you to end up there. Be proactive about finding solutions to your problems, don't just schlep yourself around in a funk. no one wants to be around that, no matter how much we love you.

11:56:00 PM

Monday, December 22, 2008

The truth is, I'm not a virgin.

10:52:00 PM

I feel really guilty right now. That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach.

But I don't know why. I don't think I've done anything to feel guilty about.

This ever happen to anyone else?

01:40:00 AM

I have never been attracted to another girl until now.

We smoke cigarettes together and weed whenever one of us has any. We've drank together. She's the only girl I've ever had sexual thoughts about. And god, I want her so badly sometimes. We get into deep conversations, revealing things we've never told to anyone else, sharing our fears and our dreams with each other. We connect on the deepest levels on the deepest subjects. And I might let all this go except sometimes I get the feeling that she feels some attraction towards me too. I think about wanting to kiss her when we have sleepovers together. I honestly would like to let this go, but I can't when she asks me to come sleep on the couch with her at sleepovers with our friends or when she tells me I look good and almost flirts with me in inconspicuous ways. It gets exhausting sometimes not acting on what I feel. I'd like to kiss her just once to see if there really is anything there.

05:09:00 PM

Maintaining a relationship is difficult when you have no money.

ps before your dirty little fingers touch the keyboard telling me to "get a job" I already have one.

04:21:00 PM

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I thought after a semester apart I wouldn't be in love with her anymore. I still am.

12:38:00 AM

Friday, December 19, 2008

This guy and I have been kind of "seeing" each other over the past few weeks and it's getting kind of official. I've been really wary of labeling "dating" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" though that's what it's growing closer and closer to. So he's an amazing guy and everything but yesterday he wanted me to meet his best friend. His best friend is way more attractive, has the exact same interests as me, has the same sense of humor as me and has a slight romantic interest in me. I know this sounds terrible, but his best friend is such a better match for me that he is and we flirted really hardcore yesterday.

Oh no! What do I do?

12:54:00 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hooooooly shit.

1)I thought this was a place for people to come together, to trust strangers with their secrets, and not to be completely bashed about their lives.

2)Wasn't there some rule about not disclosing the identity of posters? Good job following your own rules, admins.

3)Spoiled fucking brats. We are super fortunate to live within the small percentage of the population that actually gets to go to college, and you have the nerve to think it's SAD to be going to Wake Tech? It's education! It's good education! Just because it doesn't cost your mommies and daddies 15000 a year to go doesn't make it any less of a good basic studies place.

4)So what if he lied? Have you guys never lied in your lifetime? If he was embarassed about not getting into UNC (which he shouldn't be) then cut him some fucking slack, let him say what he needs to to feel better.

You guys make me sick. We have enough bullshit going on in the world today and for you to come here and attack someone because of a lie? Get a fucking grip and look at yourselves. Nobody is perfect. Leave him alone. What little faith I had left in people is now gone because of you, tangsters. Thanks.

02:21:00 AM

Someday I will fall for someone who isn't some kind of addict. Perhaps if I tell myself this enough it will come true, though at the moment it's hardly likely. The people I find myself attracted to all seem to have a criminal side, and consequently I seem to spend a lot of time wondering which one will die youngest. They're all liars and thieves and I miss them terribly.

10:37:00 PM

i only feel ok when i drink

12:32:00 AM

Sunday, December 14, 2008

my brother's on ecstasy. wtf do I do. who do I tell. he's hurting me so much.

06:06:00 AM

Saturday, December 13, 2008

In 9th grade I said I'd never give a guy a "blowjob" because it's such a gross and degrading thing to do, while my friends were like "well I might, depending on the circumstances."

I was dead set against EVER doing anything like that and surprise, surprise- I'm in 10th grade now and I'm the first out of my friends to give a guy head. and what eats me up the most is the fact I was completely pressured into it by my boyfriend. We were fooling around in his room and he had just fingered me and I asked him what I could do for him. I figured he'd want a handjob, but he wanted a blowjob. We'd been dating for a week. He'd fingered me twice. I hadn't even given him a handjob yet. I told him no at first. I told him he knew how I felt about this type of thing, but he persisted telling me "I'd do the same for you."

"It's the only thing that will make me happy. I masturbate everyday, a handjob won't do anything for me. I promise you." I just kept asking are you sure it wouldn't be different if I gave you a handjob instead of you doing it to yourself? "No, no. It won't do anything for me." and he just kept telling me this over and over and he made me believe him.- That a blowjob was the only way. That he would of course, without a doubt do the same thing for me. So I gave in. I did it. and afterwards when I went home and took a shower, I felt so dirty and horrible about myself. I felt raped of my innocence and my pride all at once, all by that simple action.

But more than anything I felt untrue to myself.

Regardless to say, he never ate me out. and we've broken up because he went off telling his buddies that he was getting laid every night and bragging about how he got a blowjob. I wish I had said no. I wish I hadn't given into him. I wish that I could have atleast done that to a guy I loved so passionately that I WANTED to do that to him, BECAUSE I felt so strongly for him.

06:48:00 PM

I'm bitterly, horribly angry with myself. Why do I mess up every good thing in my life?

01:52:00 PM

Friday, December 12, 2008

As the Rich Get Poorer, Teenagers Feel the Crunch (NY Times)

There are some pretty priceless quotes in that article. It's so fucking surreal.

01:36:00 PM

Monday, December 08, 2008

So this is quite a bit late, but still the source of some angst on my part.

I hate that admins/contributors on this site know who I am. I originally joined as a mysterious figure, and I enjoyed it. Sithgirl correctly weeded me out, but other than that I was just a faceless voice. At some point in a gathering of Tangst people I made the mistake of revealing myself to a few others. As one admin said at the time, "Knight_racer's posts were so much cooler before I knew who was writing them."

I wanted to say, "I claimed them because I'm proud of what I've done. Look at who I really am. I can't be real here, and now. But look at what I write, and look at what I think and feel. Know me for who I am, don't judge me for who I've become."

But I didn't. I should have remained anonymous, a faceless voice in a sea of anonymity. But I didn't.

So I say to all of you now. Congratulations. You on here have come to know me for me, not for who I pretend to be. And for all those who do know me, I beseech you to look back. Take a second look. Forget to judge, and read my words with fresh eyes and an open mind.

Not all is as it seems.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

I survived my first semester at college. I know no one else thinks that it's a big deal but to me it means everything. Internal celebration! I feel like I live a completely different life now that no one in high school can ever comprehend. I've learned so much that can't be taught in school and I'm so happy. I did it. I survived. Only seven semesters left and I'm looking forward to every one of them.

06:20:00 PM

why are most condoms 7+ inches if the average penis is 5.5-6?

05:45:00 PM

Friday, December 05, 2008


I was just looking through some things on the site like "Tangst beginnings" and my own profile where I declare that I am a Junior at Enloe High..

I just want to say: "Tangst. Fuck yes." Because though we've worried you are going to roll over and die, or whatever, people still look at this site.

Has much else comparable in your life lasted since 2006? It's pretty awesome.

Dr. A
2:16:00 AM
12/5/2008 (!)

20-page paper on the location of God in the physical universe, due Monday. Haven't started. Dear God, please help me by telling me where You are, speaking from a physicist's standpoint.

I hate her and I think she's finally, finally starting to notice.


11:07:00 PM

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I hate it when people flame others when posting anonymously. Really? Do you think you are on such moral high ground that you can attack me? Then have the balls to post your fucking name.

Anonymity gives you a feeling of power and it's sick that people would abuse that just to feel superior or get a rush.

Guess what? It doesn't make you sound cool. It makes you sound like an ASSHOLE!

Note: I'm not talking about the named contributors, just the jerks that hide behind "Anonymous" when responding.

09:22:00 AM

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I'm hooking up with a boy who really, REALLY likes me. I already shot down the idea of a stable relationship once and it broke his heart but he continued to hook up with me. I don't know if I can do it again. I really like sleeping in his bed and giving him kisses and having lots of sex but he's just not what I'm looking for. How do I break it to him that I'm not interested in something exclusive?

09:29:00 AM

Monday, December 01, 2008

Hilarious Orgasms Anyone?

Okay, I'm just wondering: has anyone else experienced a hilarious orgasm?

I'm not talking about an orgasm or situation in which you had one that was funny (although that would be a great post), I'm talking about an orgasm that gives you this insatiable need to burst out laughing. It's an orgasm that gives you a fit of the giggles.

There's nothing inherently funny about it, but you just can't stop yourself.

They've happened to me about three times (also only with a partner, never by myself) and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this oddity?

10:27 PM

I hooked up with this girl over Thanksgiving.

She was giving me head and all of a sudden she gagged. It made me laugh. And I want to hear more girls make that sound.

Am I a freak?

09:08:00 AM

You know how they say that once you go black you never go back?

Its a lie. I was with a black guy before my current (white) boyfriend. My new guy is so much more fun.

And the whole stigma about black guys being better-endowed? Also a lie.

Geez society tell us the truth once in a while.

09:05:00 AM