Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I'm on academic probation, and I just to drop out. I spent eight hours studying for a test I got a fifty on. I failed a class because I slept through one of the exams. I have ALWAYS been a bad student. I have ALWAYS felt stupid at school. I have ALWAYS felt out of place around people. Eating meals in my room, avoiding answering my phone.

So many people I knew, so many of the people who came here when I was in highschool are so talented and beautiful in so many ways and I'm not like them. Being around people like them, sucesful people, happy people... it just reminds me of all the things I'm not.

I'm so scared of life outside of college. Panic attacks and all the important things I forget and being turned down when jobhunting all the time.

I have been at the edge of killing myself for so long because I'm just NOT fit to be here. I AM a burden and there's no guarantee at all of ever being able to hold myself up. and it HURTS. It hurts so damn bad every single day to be so incompetent and different. Not even different in an interesting or 'cool' way.

People would cry if I died... but people cry over people they don't even know. If I just move somewhere, lose contact, and never speak to them again, they'd never shed a tear.

So what's the difference?

I'll be twenty in a week, and this will be teenage angst no longer. Just the same stupidity there's always been. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm a coward and the things I feel so strongly never seem to amount to much, so I doubt these feelings will either, but it's true. I don't want to let those numbers roll over and face the person I've become. The way my life goes... I'm not living anyway.

10:09:00 PM


Anonymous said...

Is it still possible for you to visit the counseling center at your campus? If so, I strongly urge you to call, tell them you are having suicidal thoughts, and make the fastest appointment you can to go there and talk to somebody. Take your TANGST text and show it to them, if you have to. Your feelings need immediate attention, but you are not so different as you think. There is hope for you, if you can hold on and share your feelings with somebody else in a position to help you realize all is not lost and it doesn't have to continue on like this for you. It will can can get much better, but not if you don't take the first step to changing how things are for you.

If you have already dropped out and don't have access to campus counseling, I urge you to call a suicide prevention hotline or look in your local white pages or on the internet for some counseling help. You deserve it and it can make all the difference.

You may, as you suspect, be in the wrong place at school, but that doesn't mean you can't find the RIGHT PLACE for you where you will be so very happy! Please reach out and do whatever it takes for you to find your right place. It is out there, and people want to help. You can get through this!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're having a terrible time, and I think that what you seem to be going through would be too much for nearly anyone.

The thing is, if you're the person who this post reminds me of, you are smart and talented.

I'm not saying that you need to work harder, because it sounds like you're already trying harder than you should have to. I'm still in high school, so I may be mistaken, but eight hours of studying for a test only to get a 50 just doesn't quite add up. Have you looked any kind of help either inside or outside of your school, or considered changing your academic plans?

No matter what you decide, good luck.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you just aren't living your passion right now. I don't know what that is, but think back to the things you always used to get excited about. Hopefully you can transfer into classes that appeal to you more. But beyond that, I do suggest that you follow the advice of the people who posted above me. You can find a solution, and these people are specially trained to help people just like you be happier and do whats best for them. :)

Anonymous said...

Just because this college is not working for you right now doesn't mean some college won't work for you in the future, either. Is there something else going on that's making everything too hard to bear right now? It would be so good if you could find someone to talk all of this over with, preferably a competent and caring adult with some perspective to share for you. Please reach out, you'll be so glad you did.