Wednesday, February 28, 2007

this is an interesting blog and idea. kudos to the originators.

unfortunately, i have put my teenage years behind me. i miss them. i miss the feeling. so many thoughts and emotions, from so many different directions, about so many different subjects, ALL pulling at you simultaneously.

great eFing times.

now, seeing as this is supposed to be centered around teen angst and drama, i'd like to comment on a couple of the major themes. y'know, having recently gone through them myself, emerging out the other side in your mid 20s as an adult who's first question always will be: "what happened?"

love. the gravity of love when you're a teenager cannot be emphasized enough. just about every one has some form of entanglement with it at one point or another. there obviously are endless things i can talk about here but the main thing to remember (incidentally to the mind of the teenager this seems impossible) is that it will PASS! gauran-fucking-teed. if love is not a source of misery or anxiety for you, then all the better. but not another minute should be wasted dwelling and sulking and writing sad poetry. do not feed your "broken" heart. you're a teenager. you're feared, envied, and revered. start to act like it!

drugs. do them. try them. be responsible. know your source, substance, and body, but don't be afraid. circumstances and environment are always important when trying things for the first time. be with people you know and trust. plan things out. don't let buzzwords like 'brain damage' and 'overdose' scare you. walking the 'straight line' will prove to be a detriment to your mental and psychological growth in the long run. drugs will help with the expansion of your consiousness. ideas, beliefs, morality--everything will be fine-tuned. be smart. do some research. talk to people who've had experience. KNOW YOUR BODY. KNOW YOUR SUBSTANCE. KNOW YOUR SOURCE.. and do not abstain from taking drugs.

the future. relax. it's coming. way too much anxiety about college and careers and 'what are you gonna do when you grow up?' i have a news flash for anyone who is confused about how to answer that question: you don't ever really grow up. things simply change, mature, and evolve. a big mistake is thinking that you need to know now what it is you want to do. an even bigger mistake is propelling yourself in a particular career direction without being certain of what you want. to HELL with what people think. (again, difficult to accept, but true) don't involve yourself in something that you don't have passion for, and don't lie to yourself! don't deny the reality of your feelings. don't be afraid to say you don't know. you must necessarily not know. it's only normal to not know. you will suffer great misery in the long run if you realiz that which you have dedicated so much of your life and time to has always just been a front, and not what you've truly wanted. WAIT. figure it out. don't be rushed by your peers and surroundings. relax. the future will come and you will be ready for it.

hmmmm. i feel like i am definitely ranting. haha. perhaps i should stop. this might have been for my benefit only. hope someone reads it. hope it helps.

life is a game.
so relax,
take it easy,
and play.

08:31:00 PM

I've realized just how much I dislike people who are like myself. I find traits in others that I have, and find them annoying to say the least. The person who takes on that condescending tone when they are talking about something they believe they know most about. The person who talks (a lot)about how their parents get mad over the most trivial of things. The person who speaks loudly with their friends in the hall and acts crazy while thinking that people around them will think she's cool for it (I can't explain why I do it). The person who puts up certain away messages in the hopes that a particular person will ask her about it.

I have to change these things about myself.

06:38:00 PM

all i want to do is hold you again

06:34:00 PM

you know I don't like to listen to other peoples advice. not because I am too proud, but because far too often people tell you to do something that really just serves their own purposes.

01:07:00 AM

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I would say that you are my best friend. But how come is it that I can't seem to tell you anything anymore because I know that you are going to turn around and tell other people. I can't trust you anymore. I don't think I ever did. And if I can't even trust what I call my 'best friend' with secrets, then who can I trust? I don't think thats how a good friend should be...

10:52:00 PM

admins are getting slack yo

08:32:00 PM

Enloe's on the front page again. It's less of an "Enloe hates muslims" argument and more of an "Enloe is ignoring the constitution and promoting religion in schools" argument.

I hate how Mr. Esco's actions are being construed as the general feelings of the whole school. At least that's what the paper makes it seem like.

08:46:00 AM

it was me

im sorry i lied

05:30:00 PM

Monday, February 26, 2007

I had a dream last night about you, all I did was hold you and comfort you but it was great.

10:01:00 PM

Oh, what good would it do? It's not like I deserve pleasure, in any case.

09:48:00 PM

how do you personally apologize?

09:33:00 PM

My friends are all screwing up their lives so badly that it is no longer possible for me to bear their burdens and obsess over their problems.

In a way, it's good. At least my problems are solved now.

08:22:00 PM

I've recently adopted a new habit:

Making plans and having people cancel on me at the last minute.

What a waste of time. What a waste of friendship.

This is ridiculous. Makes me question how many real friends I actually have.

07:08:00 PM

You have until Wednesday after school to ask me out. 4:30 PM at the absolute latest.

Seriously -- I am getting tired of this game, this back and forth banter with coy smiles and inside jokes, late night conversations and lingering goodbyes. I can't do this anymore.

I think three months is long enough. After Wednesday, I give up. After Wednesday, we will only ever be friends.

06:54:00 PM

i want my friend to be happy, but i can tell she's getting tired of her guy because of how he acts, but he makes her happy and she likes to be with him. i want me to be happy too, but it seems she can make oppertunities better than i can i guess. no boy for me?

06:36:00 PM

I want to find a relationship that allows me to have romantic, lazy afternoon sex as the setting sun creeps through my window covering the tangled bodies of my lover and I with it's warm, heavenly glow. I want to steal kisses in the dark and explore one another's curves under the covers. I want my own personal secret sex god. Any takers?

03:54:00 PM

I am tired, of school, of work, of other people, just of life in general. I'm apathetic . I don't care about anything anymore.

07:30:00 AM

"I secretly hope that today is the day you will send me flowers for no reason."

I saw that on PostSecret, but it's my secret too. I know he's not a romantic, but I still wish this would happen.

01:23:00 AM

The only way I am able to smile at work is by making fun of everyone that works around me, inside my head.

[she had something green stuck in her braces]


12:06:00 AM

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I love him but I can't tell him.


10:09:00 PM

the past couple of months have been a complete lie for me.

and i honestly have no idea where to go from here. 'move on'? to what?!

07:53:00 PM

She loves me?!

I cannot bring myself to recognize someone caring for me.

07:42:00 PM

He may be everything I've ever wanted and didn't know I wanted it. And he's leaving in about five months. I wish we'd gotten to each other this well a lot earlier.

07:08:00 PM

Everyone wants me to grow up. How do you grow up when you never had a childhood?

04:52:00 PM

I have a wandering soul. I'm scared of settling down in one place. That's why I keep failing. Sucess means settling into a path, and I just can't do that. There's too much left to see in this world.

04:51:00 PM

this has been one of the best weekends ever

02:27:00 PM

Friday, February 23, 2007

If only I had lockjaw
Instead of something as insidious
More so than the ever-feared tetanus
Burrowing into my nervous
System, there is a virus.
If only I had chewed up
A bag full of rusted-up nails
And swallowed
My fear of the pariah’s status
My mouth hurts enough as it is.
But I don’t want to talk about it
But Lord, I want to talk about it.

06:29:00 PM

Get that penis cut, baby.

Suck it, PChis.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


11:03:00 PM

i get a warm feeling every time i hear the sound of your voice

09:35:00 PM

I really really really really luv jezuz juice. It be my passion. If I lurn to rite good, shood I put it in my collage applications? I pursued drinking it like an EC. I drink 4 liters (litres) a day. What shood I do? Remember, they say to reveal your true self and my true self is a jezuz juice lover.

01:11:00 AM

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

wow so i just saw on the news that theres an investigation over crazy anti-Islam guy at Enloe. They said the school system requested an apology to enloe students and that ***** be disciplined. (Don't know if i spelled ***** right)

11:07:00 PM

i miss you a lot sometimes (as a friend). i hate that you replaced me so easily and left me with no one. i hate that you ever felt the need to replace me at all. i'm still here. i was never mad. were you?

what happened to us?

10:41:00 PM

and chocolate.

04:42:00 PM

Last night, I dreamed I was a werewolf.

when I woke up this morning, my mouth
tasted of blood.

07:11:00 AM

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

i cant believe you'd take everything away from me for something so shallow as modeling. i love you and all but seriously, your destroying everything for this?
no, no i take that back.
i'm happy for you (insert fake smile)

of corse all can say is "dude, thats awesome CONGRATZ"

damn him. damn his sexy-ness. damn how its super innapropate to say that...

why would he do something i use to be sure was against his beliefs?

i'm sorry handsome, i dont know what i can see in you now that this whole bit has gone to your head.

even though i still love you. forever.

09:26:00 PM

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I have had an awkward living situation with both of them since then. I have to pack my stuff and alternate houses every two weeks.
It's an okay arrangement, I guess.
But I've never felt like I had a home, and since I have never lived with either of my parents for a long period of time, it never felt like they were parents to me. I had to mostly take care of myself.
I mean, I've been doing my own laundry since I was 8. What 8-year-old does laundry?
I'm used to it now, but I just feel like I was established as an adult way early, and I really wish I had been mothered at some point when I needed it because I never was.
Actually, I still want to be mothered.
I've heard it's a nice feeling.

09:18:00 PM

i see this guy three times a week in PE class, and he's in a completely different (and by high school standards, higher, but i don't think that counts in this situation... maybe "drinking league" fits better).
he's really cute (and freakin' ripped) and i don't know him at all but for some odd reason i really just want to ask him out to get some coffee. my theory is: what could it hurt? i just want to get to know him better.
in life outside of high school this could probably work. i fear that i am going to end up severely hurting myself if i do it though... oh yeah that and i've never (except for once in the seventh grade) asked a guy out and i don't really know this guy that well, but so far we have a few things in common.

but he's really, really, really cute. on the flip side, there's something close to a 95% chance nothing will come of it.
what to do?!

05:29:00 PM

you told me to pass out flyers for 8hours. I passed out your flyers for 30minutes, then I tossed the rest away in the trash, went to my friends house and played xbox the rest of the day.

screw your presidents day sale.

02:50:00 PM

Monday, February 19, 2007

I just don't think I'll ever get over you.

11:14:00 PM

Should I tell him I like him? Or will it hurt our friendship?

10:00:00 PM

It happens over and over. And yet I never learn. Just start over in the same place, naive and with hope, prone to pain and anguish yet again.

09:49:00 PM


08:51:00 PM

I honestly can't believe you can call yourself a Communist and take yourself seriously. Communism is inherently flawed. It doesn't work. Ever. Get over yourself. I am so angry right now. Ugh.

04:34:00 PM

my emotions are far too easily swayed by something so simple as a facebook post. perhaps i should be more solid.

03:52:00 PM

i just lost two and a half of my 5 closest friends. and the other 2.5 don't really count, since they're pretty far away.

it's like a trip back to seventh grade! =D

i can't WAIT for the insults via aim/email.

12:35:00 PM

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I just had the best weekend ever

I'm worried. About one of my friends. No, actually two, but I can at least be assured that one of them will give me some sort of clue as to what's wrong.

10:30:00 PM


09:17:00 PM

Most of my best friends don't even know that one of may parents is dead much less that they overdosed on cocaine. Its not that I try to keep it a secret but how often could that type of a thing be said in a conversation.

09:09:00 PM

I really fucking hate people with problems. If I weren't such a passive participant in life, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves or get over it. Instead I just sit and listen and look concerned and nod and it FUCKING SUCKS because inside I'm going "aw hell no, not THIS shit again!"

And I hate it because I've got problems too and they're just as petty and stupid as everybody else's and that makes me just as superfluous as the fuckers I put up with.

08:45:00 PM

what do you do when its awkward between you and the person you like? (and they most likely like you back)

07:54:00 PM

I cut last night

I'm sorry

06:17:00 PM

Saturday, February 17, 2007

They all think I'm dealing with everything okay but it couldn't be farther from the truth

09:48:00 PM

gung hay fat choy.
disney channel is whack. but we already knew that.
but i mean really, how is playing 'wendy wu: homecoming warrior' celebrating peoples culture?

07:41:00 PM

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl:

07:02:00 PM

Admin Note: Lyrics from "I'm Not That Girl", heard in the musical Wicked

Sometimes I feel that I'm the most beautiful on the days that I lie at home in my pajamas all day, sick as a dog with the red nose and sore throat included.

It feels so natural.

05:45:00 PM

and i end up getting hurt to what i call " close pussy"...that is where the dick decides the fate of a relationship.... nothing more nothing less, whatever pussy is close and they have (some...) of what their looking for in a girl, is chosen, but in reality what they really want is miles away....

take a chance.....

04:01:00 PM

de courte durée......

03:51:00 PM

For the record, when I said "girls with normal BMIs are gross" I meant go fat girls, not go skinny girls... skinny people are mean :(

Friday, February 16, 2007


It’s strange, isn’t it, how the farther away you go from a moment, the less time matters? I missed you with a fury the day we left, my chest aching with every breath, through the Pennsylvanian highways with my heart snagging on every bare brown branch, my breath curling through the glass in grey longing. Then through the familiar New York City streets, an ugly urban sprawl compared to where I left you, standing in the middle of that garden in the rain; I traced your name onto the misty windows each time I thought of you. The fingerprints are still there if you breath warmly on it, but with each blow the words fade just a little, and now I’m afraid to look at it for fear it’ll stop existing. I think of you the same way, now, and I doubt you think of me at all. If I take out these memories too many times, I’m afraid they’ll crack and crumble to a fine powder, diluted with wind.

But tonight, I call them up again, maybe for the last time. I wanted to see your face again, hear that lilting lisp. I was so afraid, when a week after I returned I could not call up exactly how you said my name. I thought I’d lost you.

Do you remember? How you found me in the side study behind the double doors, both closed, ears plugged and gazing thoughtlessly at the calligraphy painting high up on the wall? No—we met before that. The awkward silence as I walked in, the guests already seated and our host gone, bereft of introductions so that I stood to the side, uncertain. I was still annoyed at my parents for bringing me here, I thought I had better ways to spend my time but I didn’t know I would meet you. You didn’t look at me, even when I prodded the uneasy crowd into soft, awkward words my name is I go to eastern university yeah he’s my little bro come here kid! The names piped up like notes in a scale, but you ignored me until Kevin kicked you under the table. You smiled and waved hi, I’m Matthew and that was when I first thought you were beautiful, because of that smile. Yours was the only name I remembered the first time I heard it, that night; did you know mine so quickly? Sometimes I wonder, but I’ve never been brave enough to ask you, now that you’ve forgotten me.

The way we moved together, a team, against Kevin and my cousins at the ping pong table—the ball beating hollowly against the green surface to the rhythm of your boyish insults. The look on your face when I slipped away, letting the two of you play, and how the happiness shone from you when I relented and took my place again by your side. I played the best when I played with you, but you don’t know that. Or do you? Do you really think I’m so skilled at this game?

Your eyes are the brightest I’ve ever seen on a boy, but I never told you that either. My mom teased one once that you had ‘puppy eyes’, so beseeching and innocent. She knew I loved eyes like that. You watched my face intently when I sang along to my earphone music, softly, head cocked as if you were listening. Your embarrassment when curiosity took hold of me and I asked why you spoke that way—I wish I could have taken it back the moment you stumbled, eyes lowered; I felt the cut sharper than you did. You said it was from learning pronunciation through reading and I believed you. Our newfound peace, fragile in the minutes it had been alive, was another thread in the string, then rope that tied me to you. Did you ever realize that I know the truth, from your mother to mine to me? Did you think I would like you less because you’ll never hear me sing? The things I’ve never told you beat against me like an army of angry fists at a wall sometimes, until I cannot breathe and it is so hard to keep from crying out loud, crying your name.

The way you tapped me on the shoulder, lighter than a sigh, tingles through me like a shiver. Even now when I think of it, of the way your hand felt on my arm, so gently, as if I were a beautiful porcelain doll too precious to risk breaking.

Does that picture, with the fish and the eyes—does it still mean anything to you? What did you see when you watched me sketch, watched the shapes emerge in a swaying sea of crosshatch? You said they looked like fish, I laughed and agreed, but I was drawing a pair of eyes. In the end they became both fish and eyes; two little fish nuzzling noses for the first time, a pair of glowing scale eyes from the darkness. I loved how you turned a work of one to one of two.

I’m brimming, bubbling with the memories of us until I feel carbonated through and through, but we were only together for a day and a half. I counted the moments we had. That night I gripped the pillow until the fabric creaked, using my sheer will to drag you back for the next morning. And you came! I woke, but you were gone, but then you returned. That carefulness around you, again as if I were untouchable. How Kevin teased you to sit in our car, because my dramatic little cousin who was so afraid and adoring of you and how hard you could pinch him—when you showed me on my arm, the pressure wouldn’t have turned on a light; I wish it was warm enough for short sleeves—was with us, and how you shook your head uncertainly. That careful distance when you took the seat besides me on the bench, surrounded by artificial fog and exotic greenery, when I desperately wanted to press myself against you—

I wonder sometimes, if I’ll ever be able to stop.

The way you said goodbye the way you read lips the way you won’t turn around at your name the way you peeked curiously from behind the curtain of leaves to see me on the other side of the rushing water, snatching the moment with my camera, the way we said goodbye through a drab, drizzling rain and how I didn’t feel horrible yet because I could still see you and I was sure, so naively sure, that we would see each other again soon because how could fate be so cruel? The way you walked at a safe distance from me when we shared the umbrella because you’ve never had a girl before.

I think, sometimes, that I might have loved you.

Goodbye, the boy for whom I would have given anything. Tonight I’m leaving here, and I don’t think I’ll be back. Maybe twenty years from now we’ll pass each other on the street and you’ll have a little daughter clinging to your neck, a pretty young wife with her arm around your waist and laughter like a blanket the three of you cuddle under. You wouldn’t recognize me, I’m sure, and maybe I won’t be looking up and the moment will pass. But one thing I know, and it is this: I will be alone. Because I know now, and probably have known from the day I met you, that I love you still, and I will love you forever. Only you.

yours truly,
the girl you don’t remember.

PS. I still have the picture, where the two little fish are forever meeting each other for the first time. I’ll send it to you tomorrow, and maybe I’ll send this with it. But really, the picture is so much more than these thousand words.

10:52:00 PM

how much shaving is too much?

09:52:00 PM

Hey, you admins realize that the second set of Admin Q & A isn't linked to the admin pages, right? And that if I want to find them I have to manually go through the archives? I'm lazy. Please fix this (the linkage, not my laziness).

09:34:00 PM

It feels kind of weird eating in a giant food court at a table by yourself, but it's quite enjoyable. Also shopping by yourself, walking around by yourself, and buying extremely cute shoes without the opinion of anyone else.

I ♥ me time. I reccomend it to everybody.

08:48:00 PM

Every time I think of the prom and her I feel sick. yet She is my friend and so is he.

07:32:00 PM

Opinions on the extremely anti-Islam guy who came to our school yesterday?

Though I did not attend the presentation, I read one of his pamphlets. It appeared to me to be incredibly biased and mostly unfounded, as you can't really argue or prove a point from a single quote from the Quran or one isolated incident.

I suppose that I can't condemn the man for what he honestly believes, but what is the line between insensitivity or disrespect and sharing what you feel to be right?

06:31:00 PM

You're still the best I ever had. I wish you felt the same.

04:45:00 PM

She came and stood right by me--then the smell of sweet perfume. This happened much too soon; she called me to her room.

Billie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one, but the kid is not my son. She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son.

04:15:00 PM

[Admin note: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson.]

I should have gone for it, I have no one to blame but myself. I wish i could be angry at someone it would make it much easier.

04:15:00 PM

I am beautiful.

02:33:00 PM

A Lust Ode

I pine for you, my far-removed love,
As the shore for the wave between tides.
In your absence, your form I often think of
And your figure I see in my mind:
I long for the strength of your arms around mine,
I thirst for the taste of your lips,
The path of my hand on the curve of your spine,
The blades of your shoulders and hips.
I dream of your hair’s mahogany shine,
Your eyes—so bright and so quick—
But mostly, O sweet, perfect lover of mine,
Mostly I long for your dick.

11:29:00 AM

You had me at

"***** **********
has poked you."

02:53:00 AM

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Do they have the morning after pill in NC?

09:26:00 PM

I trusted him. He assaulted me and burned me with cigars. I ended up in the urgent care room. I took my anger out on someone completely undeserving and it feels like my life is crashing down. I don't know how I'll ever return to normal life, I just want to lock myself up in a box and never return.

11:30:00 AM

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

You make me beleive in magic.

11:36:00 PM

i wanna grind with you

11:08:00 PM

i'm just wondering...
what's more physically attractive on a girl (the shallow kind of attractiveness not based on personality)? an attractive face or an attractive body? or does it have to be a little bit of both?
if there was a girl with a pretty face but she was kind of overweight, would you still consider her aesthetically appealing? What if she had an amazing body but not a pretty face?

09:57:00 PM

dear ??,

i just want you to know that i love you (platonically--just making sure cause today is v'day and all) and i think you're one of the most wonderful people i've ever met.

i haven't talked to you in a while but i wanted you to remember that you still have a friend out here in iowa, thinking of you.

indian girl in iowa
05:51:00 PM

today is valentines day (happy valentines day!) and i don't feel bitter or lonely because i don't have a valentine. i'm perfectly content with just me.

and it feels good :)

05:48:00 PM

I'm at home because...

I'm afraid of Valentine's day.

02:17:00 PM

i am so fucking stressed out.
school, my 249589026 activities, feeling like i'm a failure compared to all of my friends and the much better-looking and more-talented people around me, the disheartening weather outside... man it's taking a toll on me.

i know that things will get better but right now my grades are tanking, i look like a hideous beast (thank you, Zits from Puberty and all of your wonderful friends), i feel like i'm just failing at life and i don't feel like i'm prepared to do anything, school/activity wise.


01:22:00 AM

Happy Valentine's Day. =)

12:43:00 AM

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I'm going to pwn valentines day.

10:35:00 PM

i got a 2310 on my SAT...

i'm disappointed with myself...

does that make me an asshole?

07:00:00 PM

I found two things surprising today.

1) I'm going to prom with a date.

2) I'm more than a little pleased.

*note* If a loser like me can avoid going solo to prom, then there's hope for all you melancholy Tangsters yet!

I never miss a birthday, or christmas. I know I shouldn't place so much value on material objects, and a long time ago I didn't. But at every birthday they have, it gets harder to pick out the perfect present, remebering that they forgot yours. And after every holiday, you feel like a fool for spending literally your last dollars on them, while they convienently forget you.
And if they weren't my only friends, I'd probably stop spending money on them. I feel like a moron. But the prospect of having no good friends to spend money on depresses me more than having friends who treat me like shit.
Valentine's Day is tomorrow, but you know what? I'm not celebrating. I'm not celebrating, because I get all excited every year, and I try to be nice to everyone, and I get flowers for all my friends, and I'm always dissapointed. Because no one else tries. I don't have enough money to waste on people who don't try to make me feel good as well.

06:11:00 PM

I sent a carnation to myself.

06:03:00 PM

Monday, February 12, 2007

I am so glad he is the person I'm going to prom with. I could not have asked for more. I love him.

11:32:00 PM

To fix the world:

Women wear a colored sashes to indicate the different degrees of availability.

Green: "Come and get me"
Yellow:"I want a companion but there is a particular one in mind, not you."

with sub-color options:

Purple: "open to a prom date but not a relationship."
BLACK: Period.

11:18:00 PM

today i felt such an unexpected connection with this person. i really hope one day he will trust me enough to open up to me.

11:07:00 PM

oh fuck, shes not single.

10:17:00 PM

hmmm.... should i go for it on valentines day? were going to prom together, but then letting her know would create a potentially akward situation

08:01:00 PM

Today was awesome!!! I could feel the upbeat energy I was generating all morning. I'm finally back to my "glowing" days. Yay for happiness!

05:40:00 PM

The weather today is amazing.
I missed you, Sun.

05:19:00 PM

My best friends have started to tear eachother apart and there is so much drama that I can't even stand it anymore. Everyone involved is being stupid and I really don't want to take sides. I think I'm going to take the stance of "I hate everyone" and start hanging out with other people until this is over. I hate playing the mediator. Fuck this shit.

02:27:00 AM

Sunday, February 11, 2007

oh my god; another duke rape case. you have got to be kidding me. thats 5% fewer apps to duke next year again.

11:54:00 PM

I honestly believe that someday I'll do something amazing and that I'll earn some sort of recognition and that maybe even someone will write me a letter because of it if the world still uses letters at all by that point.

Which is why it's sad to me that you don't really seem to think so because I would have thought that you of all people (except my mother) might. But I guess it's no big deal because you're just being realistic and I can't really blame you for that.

10:35:00 PM

Tonight marked the begining of anysort of sex life I have ever had. It was wonderful.

09:53:00 PM

prom sucks.

09:44:00 PM

the labels are gone

09:16:00 PM

Jazzical Verdict: Pretty good! Entertaining, at least.

Also, it's the sign of true friends when they don't comment on how bad your pesto breath smells, even as you whisper comments about the strings director's sparkly shirt into their noses. :)
Thanks Swales and Sithgirl

07:16:00 PM

so...can guys do anything to make the girls feel better during their period? Or is it better to just
stay out of the way?

07:02:00 PM

I told him I loved him. Quietly, under my breath. And then I kissed him really hard so he wouldn't have a chance to say anything back, because I knew he didn't feel the same way.

I'm just glad he didn't say it back without meaning it. It means that when, or if, he will mean so much more. I like that he's frugal with love. I like that I have to earn it.

And I especially liked the intensity with which he kissed me back. Fear, lust, uncertainty, and yes...the slightest hint of the beginning of that dirty four letter word. It was beautiful.

03:40:00 PM

I just taught myself binary.

I'm such a dork. :)

03:40:00 PM

so I made a mistake at the drugstore when I went to buy pads. they were really cheap, like on sale, so I bought two huge packages to save money, and I thought it would be great 'cause I wouldn't have to buy pads for like another six months. but then when I got home I realized they were scented pads, and that sucks because now when I'm on my period they make my crotch smell really fuckin' weird and they still stink up my jeans for like days after I've stopped perioding.

01:05:00 PM

you know those people who appear flawless and everyone idolizes them, and you want to hate them until you talk to them and realize that they're amazing and you fall in love with them (not actually in love with them just thinking they're really cool)

then you want to be them. and then you feel lame for that. but i guess tonight i realized that when courtney love says

"i want to be the girl with the most cake"

i never understood that. i thought that courtney love was having some major fat angst or something. but then i realized that cake is figurative.

because i want to be that girl. even though i know she has flaws, they just make her more likeable. gah!!!

01:43:00 AM

when i'm driving, or just in a car, i often think about dying. actually, at any given point during the day a morbid thought is running through my head.

me dying, other people dying, the aftermath. sometimes it's really selfish, and sometimes it just freaks me out.

i don't know why.

01:16:00 AM


let my brain be over thinkin' things....cause i'll be hurt and hella pissed. if its true....

if it is...??? the sad thing is i couldn't have done shit 1750 miles away.

12:58:00 AM

we're going to prom. I might like him. I know he likes me. so why do i care so much about what other ppl think?

I know I shouldn't care about what other people think.but i do.

11:20:00 PM

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I just read my first ever NC-17 Harry Potter porn fic-- a Harry/George/Fred and Harry/Lupin, no less. It didn't make me horny, but it made me laugh my ass off.

10:23:00 PM

Maybe she isnt just good at relationships, or maybe she's having a troubling time in her life. Either way I feel left out and wish she would show me some more attention. If I say anything she is going to feel really bad and in turn make me feel bad. ugh. This is just agrivating

But chances are that I will forgive her by tommrow and have forgotten all about I always seem to do.

08:55:00 PM

No one understands me.

Or my laundry.

08:06:00 PM

I hate that you've been such a bitch. Why won't you let anyone see how you really feel? It won't make you weak. Suck it up and deal like the rest of us but quit being a bitch

06:26:00 PM

i dont care what people think or say about him. but really. I do.

12:09:00 PM

right now i just don't think i can balance everything, and my friends are all bothering me, or more like i'm bothering them.

so i'm studying, sleeping, running, reading, doing anything to not focus on other people.

self centered maybe, but probably good up to a point.

oh and i should do the laundry, but i just can't get motivated ya know? (that last part is just to try and get the laundry angst tag)

02:27:00 AM

right now i just don't think i can balance everything, and my friends are all bothering me, or more like i'm bothering them.

so i'm studying, sleeping, running, reading, doing anything to not focus on other people.

self centered maybe, but probably good up to a point.

oh and i should do the laundry, but i just can't get motivated ya know? (that last part is just to try and get the laundry angst tag)

02:27:00 AM

i dont think its fair that you put "labels" on the posts here espcally anonymous ones. you dont know me. you dont know the whole story. you can judge me, but somehow deep down you know you'll always be wrong.

with love,

uncontented anonymous secret teller
01:37:00 AM

Friday, February 09, 2007

"we're not falling in love we're just falling apart"

08:38:00 PM

[Admin note: "Fer Sure" by The Medic Droid]

I watched Jeopardy-teen last night. One of the catagories was "I still watch cartoons". I got every clue right. I did not, however, answer any of the "state capitol" clues right. Is this a testament to the American spirit, or what?

06:20:00 AM

Thursday, February 08, 2007

he's liked me since november...but he hasnt done anything about it. we went to charity ball and wf together...but thats basically how much we talked. in between those two events there was like no communication except random fb messages like once a month. i know he likes me b/c he's really good friends with my best friend so she told me. so i got sick and tired of waiting around for him so i decided to go to prom with another guy that I think I might have feelings for.

but now the first guy is trying to call to talk, and most likely to ask me to prom. and I feel like crap about it. I dont even know if i should answer his phone calls.

10:20:00 PM

Last night, I dreamed that I was dying.

As I lay in the hospital, I realized: I have done nothing memorable with my life, worked no miracles, touched no one's life significantly. I am only the sum of my bad decisions, my apologies.

I have been a cheater, a bitch, a backstabber, a traitor, a plagerizer, a liar, and an arrogant fool.

I woke up crying.

I'm so sorry.

09:12:00 PM

Was my hair really that greasy today? Or was the anonymous commentator simply sitting in close proximity at rehearsal?

thank you, Dearest Ms. V, for completely fucking over my college acceptance.

08:57:00 PM

holy shit, anna nicole smith!!

08:19:00 PM

is it better for a guy to go to the prom alone or not go at all?

08:18:00 PM

He asked the other girl to prom.


07:52:00 PM

i don't want to be that girl, but i can't help falling for him.

03:22:00 PM

So, Jazzical rehearsal today went...bad? great? mediocre?
(I couldn't really tell)
what did everyone else think?

should i join soccer team yo?

12:33:00 AM

i want to be good at everything, and if i can't be then i won't try for anything.

12:33:00 AM

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Could somebody knowledgeable in this subject please inform me as to which days I can buy prom tickets (I'm a junior), and how many I can buy which day(s). The whole process confuses me, and the lack of Loe Down only makes it worse.

11:18:00 PM

My dad does the family's laundry every week (washing it together saves water and time). When he sorts it to give back to us, I get a lot of my brother's shirts and my mom's underwear. It makes me feel ugly and weird even though it's only a little problem.

11:06:00 PM


10:44:00 PM

im afraid i dont know who i am.
ive made up so much.
i think ive lost myself somewhere along the way.

09:52:00 PM

I don't know if you like me or not. I can't tell if you're flirting, or just playing. So I'll wait, and if you ask me, I'll know you're serious. If you don't, I'll know that you just like to waste my time.
But I won't ask. Even though girls ask boys all the time.
I'll wait.

08:44:00 PM

Why is the Enloe website a "resource" here?

08:21:00 PM

straight up...

the prom label should be relabled as PROM ANGST. like that. in big capital letters.

12:39:00 AM

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

"When he passes me by
He's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
But I'm not a queen
And he doesn't see me

When he dances
He moves me to a smile
And I see everything
Near him shine
There's a grace in his ways
That I can't contain
I haven't that grace
Oh, I haven't that grace

And the closer he gets
I can't help but hide
So ashamed
Of my body and voice
There are boundaries
We pass in spite of the war
But our own
We can't seem to cross

She has a way that surrounds her
So delicate
With a glory that reigns in her life
She is also so much that she is not
These things I can't see
'Cause he doesn't see me
Oh-oh-oh ...
And he doesn't see me

When he passes me by
He's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
So different from me"

I thought this for months--and today it was confirmed.

11:53:00 PM

[Admin note: The song is "He Doesn't See Me" by Sarah Brightman. It's a reworking of lyrics originally written for the song "She Doesn't See Me" from the popular French film Astérix et Obélix contre César.]

My love for you is like diarrhea.
I cant hold it in.

11:47:00 PM

i love the smell of my own farts

11:45:00 PM

sometimes i feel like i am constantly running around trying to do everyhing. and i'm worried that none of it had any meaning at all.

10:43:00 PM

the longer your gone from me the more i like you but i know when i'm around you i wont like you as much...

10:34:00 PM

So WashU is closing my application because Enloe can't get it together enough to send my counselor recommendation even though I yell at them all the time.

I spose it's time to go there and beat them until something gets done...again...

wish me luck...I'm asking him to prom. Right now.

08:42:00 PM

why are they back together? i don't get it.

04:29:00 PM

Damnit i need to find a prom date and fast.

04:21:00 PM

fucking lagging piece of shit

04:20:00 PM

Ugh. He asked someone else. I guess I will be going alone/with friends.

I'm glad I didn't say anything. Dignity may not be something I can physically hold, but it's better than nothing.

04:08:00 PM

On valentine's day there will be a blue rose, from me.

You won't know it's mine.

I hope it makes you smile.

03:26:00 PM

I've made a horrible mistake.

I left him under the stress and the college app deadlines and the difficulty of trying to pass my math class and a million other things. I left him to find some room to breathe, to find what it was I really wanted

....and now I know what I wanted was him.

03:25:00 PM

It's crunch time. Prom date or no? Please hurry it up.

12:07:00 AM

Monday, February 05, 2007

for the love of god, TELL SOMEONE. You are worse than Tess of the D'urbervilles. you were raped and he's still at large. you say no one will believe you, but nobody can if you don't tell! you say people have such a high opinion of him that nobody will do anything, well guess what, if all the girls he abused were brave enough to speak up then he'd be revealed for the scum he is! there is no shame in being the victim of rape, unless you stay quiet about it forever. then you're just letting him loose to take advantage of poor girls like you in the future.

10:50:00 PM

He told me he likes me yet i'm still scared to ask him to prom.

10:37:00 PM

Gah to much to do and not enough time.

09:09:00 PM

sometimes i feel like listening to the more embarassing music of my past (modest mouse, brand new, bright eyes) and banging on things

dont tell anyone

09:00:00 PM

I'm single. I've been single for several months. I'm probably going to prom single. In all likelihood, I'll be single for the remainder of my senior year.

It fails to bother me. Flirtation ftw.

08:44:33 PM

My mother just accused me of towel hoarding...I mean I guess having six in my room at once is a little over the top, but I am still hurt. I just can't believe she would judge me like this.

I am really sick of dealing with your bad moods. Maybe it's cruel of me to make you deal with it on your own but it is not and will not be my problem. Stop being so sullen and pathetic and then we'll talk.

07:10:00 PM

i wish he would ask me already
anticipation = teh suxorz

05:43:00 PM

Circumsision is barbaric.

05:32:00 PM

"How womanly it is for one who is a man to comb himself and shave himself with a razor, for the sake of fine effect, and to arrange his hair at the mirror, shave his cheeks, pluck hairs out of them, and smooth them!…Women should be smooth and rejoice in their locks alone growing spontaneously, as a horse in his mane. But man is like the lions, with a beard, and endowed with an attribute of manhood, with a hairy chest--a sign of strength and rule.

This, then, is the mark of the man, the beard. By this, he is seen to be a man. It is the token of the superior nature….It is therefore unholy to desecrate the symbol of manhood, hairiness.”

--St. Clement of Alexandria, c. 195 CE

It's been almost a year and I'm still not over him in the least bit. He's not even in high school anymore and I don't know what to do.

04:24:00 PM

Sunday, February 04, 2007


Ten days until Valentine's Day!

Guys, what do you think is a romantic gift?!? I need to buy one, fast! AHHHHH!

09:34:00 PM

I am so scared that he is the only person I will ever be in love with for the rest of my life. I am so in love with him. What am I going to do?

08:34:00 PM

I have to read an entire chapter of European history right now.

***** will beat me on the quiz tommorrow if I don't!

07:27:00 PM

[Admin note: Name censored for privacy concerns.]

I do not want to go to school tomorrow.

05:22:00 PM

i have to read 850 pages, information which bell casually slipped onto my desk in the form of a chart a week ago. once i do all of this reading and write the actual essay it is meant for, i can only hope to acheive a 50 or so on the essay. the essay is worth 25% of 3rd quarter. i do NOT enjoy her teaching methods.

02:34:00 PM

It feels like a snow day

01:16:00 PM

Why do I continuously torture myself?

You're a jerk, a complete asshole. You're a diva and you brag about sex. I hate you.

But I still really, really like you. I stay up too late just in case you want to complain to me. I encourage you. I ignore my friends. I can't sleep because it makes me sick.

And the worst part is that you will abosolutely never, ever like me. You tell me about different girls, you ask me to tell you how wonderful you are.

What are we, Echo and Narcissus?

Or am I just...nothing? Nothing at all?

If I were to kill myself right now, could anyone trace it back to you? Would you care?

I'd like to pretend you would.

But I know... you don't give a fuck.

So why do I?

12:07:00 AM

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Anyone know anything about cap & gown pics on Wednesday?

08:57:00 PM

i do NOT understand why idiots like PO are so pissed off about the senior president issue. hello, you're not a senior. you hardly even know her.

in other news, she is NOT the only student council person who is in jeopardy over recent suspensions: i know of atleast two others who are in similar (unfortunate) situations.

07:16:00 PM

Today I realized the true extent of how much being on your period affects you.

My dad picked me up from this meeting I had and I was crampy and irritable and quiet. Of course, he chooses this time to ask if I had decided what I want to do with my life. And then gave me a sermon when I told him that the reason i didn't want to go to [State School] was because 60% of my school is going to be there.

OF COURSE that isn't the only reason.

God, fucker. I hate it when guys, or parents, don't understand a simple concept known as TIMING.

07:12:00 PM

people just keep kissing me!
and i'm not very good at saying no.

04:52:00 PM

I want to ask her.

tickets go on sale soon, and i hope against hope that she will go with me

but if she says no, or that she's going with someone else. that would be terrible.

why can't i just take the step? why don't i have the balls to ask?

12:55:00 PM

It's a beautiful, glorious day in Raleigh. Go out and enjoy it.

But take a jacket :)

09:19:00 AM

Friday, February 02, 2007

I hate it when people say I've lost weight or I look a lot thinner. I have, I guess, since like tenth grade, but it's been years since then and I don't think it's really all that striking. I don't know why it makes me so uncomfortable-- maybe because I have no friggin' clue why I've lost the weight and kept it off, because my lifestyle is deplorably lazier than nearly all my other friends' lifestyles. I also just plain don't want to think of myself as "thin." I like being plump! Squishier is better!

07:56:00 PM

i just want some affection. sounds lame doesn't it? yes it does. but it's very much true. cute? please. but that's too much to ask for isn't it? ah.

05:22:00 PM

what's the tangst on our class pres being suspended???

04:43:00 PM

I love that you are the last person I talk to [almost] every night.

I wish I knew if you felt the same.

01:49:00 AM

I don't like the trend of sacrificing our freedom for security and this article kinda ticked me off. Why do we live in such a paranoid world that blinking ads get people arrested for bomb scares? still the part about only answer questions about 70's style haridos was pretty funny/

email for boston mayor

12:34:00 AM

Thursday, February 01, 2007

at last, closure, yet it feel as good as i thought it would

11:09:00 PM

This sucks. My rebound attempts aren't helping. Take me back, please. I miss you.

09:48:00 PM

Blogger tags FTW.

AP English 11 notsomuch.

09:41:00 PM

I smell like wet dog.

08:47:00 PM

these new labels on tangst crack me up.

07:11:00 PM

I published my first post! I published my first post! And now I'm publishing my second post!
It's a lot harder than it looks FYI.

School tomorrow? You think?

07:05:00 PM


As you all can plainly see, Tangst finally got updated to the new version of Blogger. I've been waiting months for this to happen.

New things include:

  • topic "labels" for posts (what we tried to accomplish with the long-forgotten navi system)
  • a better archive system (that takes up less space while being more user-friendly)
  • easier controls behind the scenes (making it easier to update)

There are probably lots of other things, but these are the ones I like the best.

Thanks to the snow day, 龙年 and I have time to work on getting everything else back to the way it was before (sidebar, line spacing, etc.) so that should be done fairly quickly. We'll put a list of the all the post labels as soon as possible.

If there's anything you'd like to say about the new stuff, or want to make sure certain things stay the same, leave a comment and let us know.

Please don't prove me right. Please don't prove everyone else right.

You always make us wrong. For once, I'm looking forward to it.

Love me more than her.

04:44:00 PM

My self-esteem is a lot lower than usual. My self-esteem used to be really high, but now I feel like what I do is unappreciated and not good enough for anyone: my parents, my friends, the guy I like, or even me.
My parents think I don't try hard enough. My mom thinks I need to get in better shape. I feel like my friends enjoy being with other people more than me and that I get on their nerves sometimes. I'm not confident enough to ask the guy I like on a date. I feel like he's in another social class now, even though Enloe's cliques are hardly ever definite. I feel like I, myself, am not outgoing or interesting enough. It's like I can't satisfy anyone, not even myself.

12:54:00 PM