Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I don't know why, but today was awful.

11:35:06 PM

I hate this jealous feeling. Its completely unnecessary and it is driving me insane. She's one of my really good friends but even the prospective of my crush liking her is a killer. I know that they are totally compatible...i guess thats where the jealously comes in. I don't want this to ruin our friendship but i'm afraid that i'll get obsessed with whats going on between them and everytime both of them are online at the same time i'll suspect that they're talking to each other. this will drive me crazy, i know it will.

11:27:47 PM

In psychology today, we were talking about how a century ago, girls my age (almost 17) were considered spinsters if they weren't married or engaged to be married.

I've always considered myself to be a staunch feminist in the modern, independent woman way, but I can't help feeling as if I'd like my life to be that settled and determined. Uncertainty bothers me.

With all the stress involved in AP exams, senior year schedules, and the ever increasing work load of junior year I've often wished I lived a several decades earlier so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

11:07:29 PM

Sometimes, I wish that we had arranged marriages in America, just for the sake of me knowing that I won't die a lonely old man with no wife or family.

10:53:05 PM

This makes me feel terrible. When I got in the relationship everything was fantastic, and just seemed to flow right. Now everything looks like it's flowing good on the outside, and for the most part I guess it does. But when I'm not around this significant other, sometimes I feel really.. I don't think trapped is the right word.. but sometimes almost repulsed by this other person. When I'm actually around said person everything is sun and peaches, but when I look at pictures or just think about it... my vanity gets the better of me and I can't help wishing that I was still with my fabulously attractive ex-significant other. This is unfair to the other half of this relationship, and I'm just being a selfish fuck. But it's hard to change how I feel about it now.

10:11:48 PM

I can't help but wonder if any of the posters ever get their happy ending. I hope they do.

09:35:35 PM

I always feel guilty whenever I hit the refresh button - or when I post - because I know that makes it seem like Tangst has more traffic than it really does.

09:30:11 PM

I love my boyfriend, but we aren't compatible in the way we view relationships. I think he's jealous and possessive, he thinks I don't take "us" seriously enough.

But c'mon, who wants to be married at 16?

08:32:24 PM

I've always wished that I was born on the twenty-ninth of February.
I was only about a year and a half too early for that.

08:19:33 PM

One of my boobs is bigger than the other. :(

07:41:27 PM

My life is always been constructed, and planned. I’ve always loved to have a plan for everything. Whether it’s a school course plan, or a plan of how to brush my teeth. I even have plans of annoying people, or “accidentally” seeing people. My life is planned, but… I’m having trouble making alternative plans. I really don’t want to change my plans. I still want to be able and go on vacation to my grandma’s house. I want to help her with accounting. I want to be able to carry out my plans of making her a beautiful painting. I almost hate her for changing them. I hate that my plans are gone. But what I hate most is I’ll never have my grandmother back. If it were possible to get her back… I’d never make a plan in my life again.

03:34:17 AM

Monday, February 27, 2006

It's almost 11:30 and he's still on. And I'm still on, waiting for him to either get off or talk to me. And I know it won't be the latter. This is pathetic.

I had written all of that out and was getting ready to hit the "Login and Publish" button when a window flew up - it was him. I can't stop grinning like the fool I now know I am.

11:38:08 PM

I think I love love love love her.

11:11:57 PM

I think I love love love love him.

10:39:15 PM

I will never live up to the standards that I set for myself. I know this. I know that they're impossibly high. But they're still there.

09:42:41 PM

She calls her crackwhore mother to be nice and to reach out, to make sure she's still alive and to express some sort of daughterly love.
And what does she get?
An over-the-phone smack in the face.
Should she have expected better? This is, after all, the woman who beat her for years and years and years.

Maybe some people never change...

08:26:57 PM

Why can't we read any happy books in English?

Maybe I'm just not cut out for anything. I can't sing, can't dance. Can't spell, not even have proper grammar. I can’t do anything right! I try to make friends but make enemies, or I try to pull my friends closer, and they leave. Maybe I shouldn’t try at all.

05:59:58 PM


That is all.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I hate change. I just... I want things to stay the same, and I know they won't, not ever, but I would like to have one constant in my life.

I know, it's stupid of me to wish for that, because the only constant is change itself, but right now, I'd give anything for things to go back to the way they were.

11:28:20 PM

please someone give me one good reason not to slit my wrists right now.. please

11:20:26 PM

Today was kinda le shit, because she was in it, and I was with her. and it ruled. Like shit rules.

Fucking awesome

11:00:43 PM

My friend (a sohomore) totally has a crush on my brother (a junior).

I just had to tell someone or die of laughter.

It's really sweet though. She's so strong and intelligent and kind and funny, and I really look up to her, and my brother is the brilliant and popular ladies' man.

I know something you don't, brother dear...

10:44:56 PM

I had a dream the other night... my boyfriend was in it. In real life, he has an arm stunted by cerebral palsy-- in the dream, I was trying to hand him something but his good arm and his bad arm kept switching places, and he couldn't hold whatever it was I was trying to hand to him. I hated that dream. I absolutely hated it, because that doesn't bother me about him. And my subconsious shouldn't be telling me that it does.

10:41:31 PM

He got drunk again tonight. This beast that I live with- I tolerate him when he's sober, but when he's a babbling drunken fool I pity him not at all. Alcohol has destroyed life as I used to know it. Alcohol took my father from me- and eventually my cousin too. I have a hardened heart towards alcohol consumption- either get help or don't do it. It's to the point where I lose trust in someone the moment they have a drink.

The last time he got drunk he almost hit me- my mother stopped him (without her knowing what she'd done)
I'm afraid this time my mother won't be around when he comes down to my room to yell at me for something ridiculous.
I'm in for yet another sleepless night.

10:27:55 PM

i am going to have to find a new place to cut because bandaids on knees do not work well

08:04:13 PM

Oh Youth Group,

Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

I ate lunch with my grandparents today at a restaurant. At the end of the meal, my grandfather had what seems to be a mild stroke. He was not responding and appeared pale and blacked-out. 911 was called and he started responding; he did not want to go to Rex Hospital and was coherent enough to sign a waiver exempting the ambulance from responsibility. He’s all right now -- at home and resting. I was sitting across from him at the restaurant. I thought I was watching my grandfather pass right in front of me. I’ve never lost anyone so close, and had never felt more scared. My heart was racing. He is 84, I rationalized; maybe this is his time. I am relieved he is home, but I fear the next six to twelve months may not be good.

06:41:12 PM

I have a friend, a really cool friend, who has times when she gets sad easily and refuses to let anyone cheer her up. Most of the time she is lots of fun to be around but when she's like that being around her is just... exhausting. And I hate it, almost as much as I care about her.

03:01:22 PM

I'm afraid I might've let her go to far. It just felt so good at the time.

11:56:23 AM

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I think it's a beautiful thing, after so much random sadness and pain, to finally be in a place where my most potent emotional reactions come from books and movies. It's so nice to finally be able to cry about someone else's problems.

(by the way, watch Antwone Fisher)

10:31:22 PM

I went out with her, knowing how much of a pathological liar she was. Now, I enjoy watching other unfortunate souls find out for themselves.

09:02:26 PM

A ball of clay
Violet, with gentle thumb prints
Pressed by loving fingers.
Warm hands soften clay
Giving shape
Many colors
Multiple forms
Twisting together, shapes
Not just twisting, objects
An exercise in craft, love
A dim lamp
The light cuts through the dark, Scattering dust
Into their air-born dance
A human face in the clay
With loving thumbprints
On the mouth
On the eyes
Carefully molded
Enamored with its form

05:19:53 PM

Mom hit me with a door.. and no it's not funny my face is bruised

11:26:49 AM

Friday, February 24, 2006

Alright. Other Admins have had their turn, but today, your birthday, it's your turn, CajunExplosion:

I had a major crush on you the first two years of high school. And there are still some days when I glance at you and wonder if you're ever interested in me.

06:22:33 PM

I held a brain today. No, you don't get the awesomeness of it all. I held a BRAIN. In my HAND.

Yes, this was the highlight of my day. A BRAIN. :D

05:40:36 PM

Why tears? Is the shaking, throwing up and crying of emotion shock and release the only way. How does one express one's feelings? How do I show the world my love? Not through these tears. How do they know what it feels like? What i feel like? The feeling of loving someone so unconditionally, so strongly, and then losing them. How can they feel what I feel? I guess everyone goes through it but i can barely comprehend my own emotions how can anyone else? The tears. The guilt. Guilt not for the death, but for the life. I have come to terms with death. I understand it. The heart stops but the world does not. It is the life i have yet to stop crying for. How can they know the love? How, when I never called, never spent enough time with him? Is there anger? If there it is, it is not at the future but at the past. Every minute of every day of every week that I was not by his side, or talking to him. It is those moments i cry the most at. Guilt? How do i show? This is not enough. THESE TEARS ARE NOT ENOUGH! What is enough? There is never enough. How can there be? I do not have the artistic skill to draw a picture, write a poem, play a song. What do i do? How can i stop feeling what it is i'm feeling? I want to feel something else. Anything else. Anything but this. I look at the past and see my failed expression and i look into the future and see a void. He went peacefully, by the way. I took a nice afternoon nap to wake up to a phone call that i wish i never had to hear. "Are you sitting down?" Why would i want to sit down? I've just been sleeping. Why would i want to move? Why would i want to move on? Knowing that i cannot do my emotions justice? How can anyone move on. The world did not stop with his heart. Should i go to school on monday? How can i? My life is changed. And the sick thoughts come. I know that i will get over it. We all do, and must. But how? Where is the justice? How can we just forget? But how can we remember when all we can do is cry? Death. Where is the is the injustice? Everybody dies. Not everybody loves. Not like we did. I have seen nor felt no relationship like the one we had, and its gone. I had not a single thought of him yesterday. Nor the day before that. Where is the fairness? I think about him now. After the fact. Have i learned my lesson? How can something like this be a lesson? I see some of his emails. He always spoiled me. Always asking what i want. I want another chance. To spend the time i should have. To call like i should have. The tears come again. I ask again. How can i move on? Without honoring him? How i can i forget? How can i be happy? How can I live when i cannot honor someone who had so great a part in my life? How can i stop crying?
I miss you grandpa. So much.

Please do not post comments to this post. This was all train-of-thought venting. I do not want to hear how "sorry" people may be. I know that may sound mean, but this was not written to get pity points, only to get some of what was in me out.

Thank you for understanding. If you didnt understand, thank you for being on the same level as me. Sorry its so long.

How many people got nuked today? By which countries?
Let's give the UN a number, people. SOMEBODY needs to be the next Foreign Aid Poster Child.

I just did an entire English project...

...while naked. ;)

05:42:30 AM

Happy Birthday to Maverick and CajunExplosion!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

I know and fully recognize my status as an English Major wannabe, but this won't stop me from taking the AP English Language Class. (Damn Language, if I was taking the Literature course we take next year, the world would shit diamonds or something good like that!) I know my grades are decent, that I'm relatively intelligent (or can appear so), and that the college and field I'm looking into don't care at all, but I'm gripped with this fear and paranoia that it's not good enough and not doing it is going to totally bone my future and image in the eyes of thousands of people.
And it's my birthday tomorrow so I'm going to eat a whole cake and get fat about it.

10:44:52 PM

It happened again today. It's been happening a lot more lately. If I knew what caused it then maybe I could stop it. I'm not even really sure what it is, I suppose it could be described as fear. But it's the most complete, unimaginable, senseless fear. It grabs hold of me and makes me totally forget who I am. It's how I imagine death will be. But it leaves me asking myself if I'm crazy.

10:17:24 PM

I was raped. He said he was 19, but he was actually 45. His father's house was actually his own. He tied me up, raped me, and let his dog do the same. He's in jail now, but the tape is already all over the internet. I'm a guy.

10:03:15 PM

She abandoned me.. I knew it was coming but I wish it hadn't.. She was supposed to be there for me no matter what... whatever now I bet if I died she wouldn't give a shit at all...

How am I supposed to take care of all my friends with problems and myself? What the fuck am I supposed to do

08:57:58 PM

I feel so pressured to know exactly what I want to do with my life. I get crap about it from my parents and teachers everyday. Every single freaking day (especially lately with class registration) I'M A SOPHOMORE! GIVE ME TIME! Of course I'm giving it a lot of thought (who isn't? - it's required by student services), but that's just that- I'm THINKING ABOUT IT. I don't even trust myself to make a good decision this early on. All of my friends who want to be food scientists or engineers artists are fine and dandy- just don't make me decide right now. Please? Don't rush me. I'll figure it out for myself thanks.

08:47:05 PM

every time I get mad enough to get over him he finds a way to crawl back into my heart. be it a one line facebook message or an im. Either way its making it difficult for me to move on.

08:30:16 PM

I'm being tutored in Pre Calc. I don't think it will help. I'm embarrassed that now, on top of taking the lowest level math course of all my friends, I'm doing badly enough to merit the hiring of a tutor. Who is seventeen minutes late for our appointment at the moment.

08:16:30 PM

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Just to inform everyone, the book was "The Red Pony." And if anyone hated The Portrait of Dorian Grey, they should die all the deaths he ought to have. And As I Lay dying was beautifully written and did have plot, to argue a story that works in a semi-linear fashion with a central purpose of burying someone has no plot is to be retarded. You just didn't like that you weren't good enough to glean the genius off of the fact that everyone had their own stake in the trip.

10:46:40 PM

I want to become a tangst admin because it's obviously the fastest way into every lonely heart at Enloe.

...I just want a compliment now and then, that's all.

10:30:29 PM

i have this weird respect for prostitutes. i find they seem somehow noble, like they have transcended the morality needed by the rest of us in order to do what they do. it's like they don't need us, with our artificial social taboos. i am fascinated by this concept.

08:45:58 PM

Someone told me that they wished they were me today. I proved them wrong with cold, hard facts from my past.

"I wish I was you" goes up there with stuff like "I hate my dad" or "I wish so-and-so would die" on my list of things to never, ever, ever say around me.

I would never wish my life on anyone, and I'm really happy that I'm the one expiriencing my life, so you don't have to.

08:45:43 PM

i haven't showered for 5 days, and it feels great!

07:27:44 PM

I think that Nanotyrannus has an incredibly sexy body, and an equally fascinating mind. I hope she never finds out who I am. Especially since I'm attracted to guys.

07:01:01 PM

My music teacher told me the other day that I might have perfect pitch, that it just hasn't been developed. That's equivalent to someone telling me that I might have superpowers, that they just haven't been developed.

And that's how much of a geek I am.


I didn't actually have to leave- I was just afraid of you seeing me cry. There's so much about me that you don't know. It's funny to think that you have no idea who I am, yet we spend all of this time together. I want to tell you about my past so badly, I just fear that you'll never look at me the same.

06:29:46 PM

I found out last month that the girl that I lost my virginity to lied to me about not having an STD, I got tested to be sure... I have chlamydia. How do I tell the three other sexual partners I've had since her?

02:59:34 PM

I'm trying not to love him, but like all addicts, I have good days and bad days.

Yesterday was a good day. I only thought of him during my waking hours.

12:32:50 AM

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I read a book that everyone hated and I don't know why they hated it.


10:19:26 PM

I don't care that he's groped her... I don't even flinch when I hear about the possibility of them having sex... So why am I so jealous if they sleep together plutonically? Why is one of my worst fears that he'll say "I love you" and she'll say it back?

09:19:38 PM

We've been going out for a week and four days. Already I'm disengaging myself from the relationship because I'm afraid that soon I'll lose interest and break his heart.

07:29:25 PM

How can I feel completely self-destructive and completely wonderful at the same time? I think I should have been warned before this started that I would get sucked in emotionally to him.

06:58:35 PM

I am such a fucking weakling.

06:25:39 PM

i've been making plans to run away in my head all day. i might do it this time.

02:14:59 PM

I found out that one of the bottles of shampoo/conditioner that my sister left in the bathroom after she left for college is the same kind that my boyfriend uses. I use that shampoo now, so I can smell like him. Is this too stalkerish?

11:05:32 AM

It's 5:07 in the morning.

...Good thing hockey's on to keep me occupied, because wonder of all wonders, everyone else is aslepe.

05:06:16 AM

It's been four days since I had that conversation with him.

And yet I'm still crying myself to sleep because of it.

01:08:37 AM

I flick my finger through the flame, nothing hurts.
I flick my finger through the flame, let it stay, nothing hurts.
I play the game, I let it stay, until it starts to hurt.

And this is why my fingers are turning black.

12:18:20 AM

Monday, February 20, 2006

I have an acute case of sleep paralysis. Not the kind when one wakes up and has a stiff neck for a moment. The kind where I wake up and feel (and see) someone sitting on me, I hear voices calling, laughing, and screaming at me from above or below, I see malicious shadows moving in the corners of my eyes, I see bodies of dead relatives sitting in the corner of my room, I see thieves or murderers standing ready to attack (and sometimes they talk to me or -do- attack me, but those times I pass out and wake up hours later). I can't move for what seems like hours (but is really two or three minutes). Sometimes I can't take it and pass out, sometimes I just drift off again, and sometimes I get my senses together and wait for everything to go away and for the faces to return to stuffed animals or books or clothes.

It's all from emotional trauma and family matters in the past-

-and it's going from bad to worse. My fears are now carried outside of my bedroom. Sometimes, in the hallways, I'll see the shadows behind me and feel that paranoia grip me. Every unfamiliar face turns into a malicious grimace. The noise of the hallways turns into that familiar roar of screaming and laughter. I think people are following me and trying to "get" me from behind. I've convinced myself that people stalk me and are watching me at every moment.

I just wanted to apologize to you for my acting strange and jumpy around you lately. I've noticed you noticing me, and I wanted to explain. I'm not crazy; I just have emotional and psychological problems.

11:52:49 PM

PAHAHAHA omg. i know what university he's going to...

is it intensely shameless that im going to apply there, even though i wasn't going to before?

See you 'round, cutie ;)

10:06:16 PM

the other day i tried to cut myself

it didn't work

that makes me feel queasy

01:39:14 PM

Hey, Mom can I go to North Carolina for Friday March 10th? Yeah...I know we live in Colorado but it's really important...I guess I'm going to meet other people who post on a blog, Tangst. But...but I really think it's important! Maybe we could look at colleges while we're there? I know it's a school day but that's not important right? Right? Hmmm...maybe I need to work on my presentation...

12:32:55 PM

everytime i get a bruise i secretly poke it until its gone.

i kindof want to trip down the stairs tomorrow so i can get a bruise. i havent had one in a long time.

01:37:55 AM

Sunday, February 19, 2006

It is so much easier not to get attached to someone.

It makes saying goodbye that much harder.

09:07:27 PM

We fight all the time. She's a complete bitch to me, which riles me up and makes me act like an ass to her. I really hate how she is now, and the stress from our relationship is messing me up mentally.

Why can't I cut her off?
Why can't I stop loving her?

06:49:37 PM

I told him that I blocked her from my buddylist. I didn't.

12:04:23 PM

Saturday, February 18, 2006

It's times like these where I seriously wish I wasn't attractive. Really. I am sick and tired of guy friends all of a sudden acting funny around me and getting really creepy about being with me. I am sick of having to avoid their longing stares. I am sick of having to give subtle hints that I'm not interested in them. I'm sick of trying to do unattractive things in front of them to just make them stop. That's all I want. I want to yell at all of them to STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! It hurts me to see hearts break, and knowing it's because of me makes it worse. Every time I have to push you away makes me feel rotten inside. I don't like you. Take a hint.

11:27:18 PM

I am so tired of this. Uncertainty, backbiting, heightened awarenesses leading into some sort of competitive advantage. I might just be paranoid, but if he wants her then could he just take her, and end my hopes? I'm so sick of hoping, and so sick of failing with the whole female race.

07:58:21 PM

What did you get on the SATs?

06:42:35 PM

I don't like him anymore. I actually seriously dislike him quite a bit.

He got a girlfriend.

Why am I jealous?

05:50:09 PM

We had a test in Language Arts and after going to the front of the class I turned arond and the girl behind me had her binder in her lap and was checking her answers. She looked up and saw me and slid her binder down next to her desk. Later, she remarked to her friend while glancing at me "That test was so easy...I didn't need to use it." And then she complemented my on my shirt-which I prided myself in noone liking. I'm not going to rat her out. I think I'll just hold it against her like if we become friends and get in an argument or something. >:)

02:32:08 PM

You are.

02:39:44 AM

Friday, February 17, 2006

I finally had the courage to shave my legs today.

It's kind of stupid, but I'm really proud of myself for it.

My mom didn't want me to, but she doesn't know. Hooray!

09:41:14 PM

I'm so fickle. Sometimes I think I'm in love with him. Other times I don't think I even like him. I wish I could decide one way or the other.

07:23:14 PM

I really hope orange highlighter comes off. Because I'm thinking that it'll be hard to scrub the top part of my back. :D

04:13:49 PM

I've found that my life is like a puzzle. for a while; things are going great and all the peices a fitting into their right place. But then, someone(usually me) accidently knocks half of it off the table and I'm stuck picking up the peices to rebuild it again.

12:12:36 PM

The mountain does not laugh at the river for it is lowly,

Nor does the river laugh at the mountain for it is slow and cannot move about.

I'm sitting in a class where I have to write two pages every day to earn my honors credit A. It's easy enough, but I don't like deceiving the teacher like this-- I'm not writing. I don't have any inspiration today. Ah, well... inspiration will come eventually.

11:11:43 AM

I have no idea as to why I still care.

12:27:24 AM

Thursday, February 16, 2006

even some vegetarians dream of eating the leftover chicken in the refrigerator.

11:10:26 PM

You say you don't think I cared when you said "Maybe we should stop this." And I just said "Okay." But, believe it or not, I really did care.

It's just that I knew we were going to break up today. I knew from the moment I opened my eyes this morning. But when someone breaks up with you it's over. And, more than anything, that's how I felt. Like it was over. So, I didn't say, "Please don't go. I really and truly want to be with you." Because that's not the sort of person I am.

No, I just walked away. I went home. I ate dinner. I did my homework. And as I folded my laundry I cryed. Because that's the sort of person I am.

And now, it's over.

10:00:37 PM

I miss talking to my friend whenever I don't talk to her. Whenever I talk to her is always makes me smile and laugh... She makes me want to live my life... She makes me feel like I'm worthwhile for even just one second.. it's friends like her that are hard to find

09:59:45 PM

almost everyday in school when i get really stressed out I promise myself that i'll work as soon as I get home, or that i'll actually do homework on a friday. i never do. It made me think that if I can't even keep promises that I make to myself then how am I supposed to keep promises that I make to other people? I realized that I can promise other people things and keep them because I don't want other people to think i backed out. To myself I know the reasons and don't have to prove anything. It still aggravates me that I do it but I never have the motivation to change it. It seems to be a never ending cycle.

09:12:35 PM

I only post my poetry on kids sites, so even when I get a bad review I can still feel superior.

08:31:36 PM

I had one of those You Only Read About It In Books moments today.

As I was experimenting with a different route to class, I saw the Most Amazing Girl I have ever seen before. Seriously. I didn't know girls like her went to Enloe. I swear, I couldn't stop staring. She just kind of...stood out. I could go on forever describing her- the way her eyes shined, the way her hips moved, the clothes she wore, the way her bag sorta of pulled her shirt up in a nonchalant way. She seemed so- cool. Cool and beautiful. She was smiling with her friends. Oh how I wanted to go up to her and say "You're an angel, my dear."

I saw her twice today, actually. But reality hit me full force as I pointed her out to my friend and he explained that yeah, she's a year younger than me (more or less- a grade below- a sophomore) and she's a really cool girl that pretty much everyone knows and likes (or in the case of myself and apparently more than a few others- loves)

I want her to myself to like. I feel like I discovered her and that she's -mine- and that no one else can have her to like.

Needless to say- I'm taking that route more often.

07:16:16 PM

for me, being at all attractive is a huge, concious effort. it's hard. i wish i didn't care so much. or that i didn't have to try.

03:13:58 PM

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The girl that i'm going to prom with, told me today that she is not dating this year. I had a crush on her. But now whereas she was just very attractive, she is now unattainable and her attractiveness has increased exponentially, and i have a huge crush on her.

10:47:11 PM

Fine, I admit it: I'm jealous of all my friends, who are either in a relationship or perfectly content with not being in one.

I am neither.

10:35:03 PM

If anyone is goin to Prom and wants to post who they are goin with...you can do it here and let the whole world know it.


I find that the mood i'm in on a certain day is proportional to the clothes I wear. Like whenever I dress well and wear my favorite jeans and favorite shirts or whatever I all of a sudden feel bolder and more confident in myself. I think its really stupid but I can't help myself. I just feel like I can do anything I want.

04:44:06 PM

Hurrah for changing ways...

I broke through a big barrier in my social life last night.

I actually took the initiative and asked a girl to prom.

And then an amazing thing happened. She said yes. A major cornerstone in my fear of rejection has crumbled, leaving the whole structure unstable.

What a great feeling. Thank you.

And now a parting shot from my pool of advice that I can't seem to follow.

Focus more on how life could be lived, and less on how it should be lived. Never let your mind slow you down, because you will die with more than your fair share of regrets.

Please realize that your mind does try to warn you when you are doing something outrageously stupid, so do listen to it sometimes (Exe: asking a girl out = okay; standing in front of a moving train = stupid). Catch my drift?

G'night everybody, and good luck in life and love.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

My friend made funny and sometimes mean Valentines for people. She told one of my friends to shave off his unibrow; for mine she apologized for laughing at me all the time.

09:26:26 PM

As a sophomore in Ms. Paradise's English class, I believe that going to her class each day is a little piece of paradise.

09:26:14 PM

I heard about Freshman Seminar today. It will be mandatory for freshman next year. Isn't that exciting? As a freshie, I wish I could have learned more about Enloe this year.

09:25:29 PM

i am a horrible, awful, terrible, despicable, disgusting person.

im embarrassed to be seen in public with my boyfriend.

09:22:38 PM

I'm scared of going to school.

09:04:52 PM

I just looked back at a post I started a while ago. I posted a few comments on it myself, but I can't remember which were mine and which were others'. The downside to anonymity, I guess.

08:46:19 PM

I shouldn't have taken him seriousley. Damn he tricked me. I hate myself for it.

08:26:17 PM

I think it's sweet that you like me, but you're.....................

Immature. There. I said it.

08:09:59 PM

I secretly watched, all lunch period long. My stupid hopes all high and mighty.
The green Mazda 626 never came.

07:29:11 PM

Downey is soooo pissed at me right now. And I'm not even totally sure why. He just apparently said that I shouldn't go near his room for several weeks. That will make it very hard to buy a prom ticket, won't it?

06:43:01 PM

YAY! I got asked to prom. I am SO excited.

Hm... now I'm going to have to spend money, though. But I'm looking forward to it so much...!!!!

06:40:47 PM

Don't you sometimes wish you had never been born, because you love life so much that you're terrified of dying?

05:57:33 PM

I'm so sick of people hurting me.. especially when they are supposed to be my friend

03:51:20 PM

a few summers ago i had a lesbian fling with my roommate at summer camp. not many people know about it. it ended really badly, and ever since i've been afraid of having another relationship. it makes me question my sexuality a lot that this happenned. it was my first and only relationship, and i'm afraid i'll never have another one.

03:36:47 PM

♥_______________________________________________♥somehow my heart can never stay in the same place. maybe i do that on purpose so that Cupid can never get a clean shot.___♥________♥_________________________________♥

12:04:56 PM

I hope your happiness this Valentine's day exceeds the size of this post.

05:50:31 AM

Monday, February 13, 2006

I just posted this on that Tangst poseur's website:

The Disclaimers for this site are almost exactly the same as the ones for Tangst. Tangst just has more rules than here.

This plagarism is in violation of Tangst's copyright. I'm surprised that Heather hasn't said anything yet.

Almost all of the language is exactly the same. Syntax, rhetoric, even diction is Heather's.

Learn MLA. Cite your sources. Don't plagarize.

P.S. And don't even pretend that you wrote yours first based on timestamps - I've been going to both sites since their inceptions. Tangst was first.

Obviously Tangst is the best. I can not believe The Watcher had the nerve to pick and choose from the policies Heather put so much thought into modifying from the sites she cited or wrote out originally.

11:46:10 PM

I never bother to read the prose, with all its paragraphs. I only read the poetry.

11:26:59 PM

i get a huge thrill from finding comments on the "share a secret" post. i feel like i've accomplished something by seeing them before even the admins. really it's just sad that i check Tangst that frequently.

11:16:26 PM

I believe in illusions.

11:12:34 PM

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. I'm putting the finishing touches on the cards I'm handing out to my friends.

Tomorrow, I will go to school and be cheery, bouncy even. Pretending to enjoy the holiday, happy for the excuse to gorge on candy all day.

At the moment, I'm talking to my crush. About the Valentine's card he's writing to his new girlfriend. And helping him decide whether he should get her a present because if he does it might seem like overboard but if he doesn't he'll seem like he doesn't care.

At the moment, I'm alright. Kinda numb feeling, but alright.

But I know that in half in hour, when I finally climb into bed, I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

11:10:13 PM

I have a habit of chewing on the cord to my headphones on the computer while I am surfing. I find the idea mildly amusing that I might accidently electrocute myself. Please pardon any spelling mistakes.

09:57:59 PM

I hate you, Mrs. P

I hate you

I hate you


Why the hell weren't you paying attention?


09:53:24 PM

Exactly what date/time is prom? i have when the tickets are on sale memorized, but it does no good to not know when the damn thing is.

07:25:49 PM

I'm so used to having my hopes dashed that it doesn't really hurt that much anymore. My heart has hardened and I'm okay with it. I've started to have really scary thoughts about being single forever- and I feel no emotion when I think them. I don't feel sad or lonely or distraught or happy or exited or liberate. I feel....comfortable. Kind of like it's the way I was meant to end up.

06:33:10 PM

We totally had a chance to have sex the other night, but I said it wouldn't be a good idea. Now I can't remember why and I'm sort of frustrated with myself for refusing.

05:44:09 PM

I was so close to asking her today. I had her alone, there was no one around. I almost did it. But I chickened out again. I get the feeling I'll never be able to say it.

04:01:51 PM

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I made a difference tonight.. in a huge church community.. I took a stand for all the teens.. Everyone was telling me how great I was..

Why do I still feel worthless?

11:33:11 PM

All of my friends really love William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. I think it's okay, and his writing style is certainly interesting, and there are few things more fun than passing your friends in the hall and yelling "MY MOTHER IS A FISH!" loudly as a form of greeting, but I'm just not getting into the book. This reflects a trend in me; I used to get completely sucked in to good literature, but lately, I just haven't been interested. When I used to find it impossible to put a book down, I now find it impossible to pick one up. I'm gonna get my pretentious bookworm license revoked if I don't fix this!

09:59:26 PM

i put off all my homework and chores and everything until the last minute, so now i have 2 projects due tomorrow and an essay due tuesday and a lot of practicing to do and a bathroom to clean, and there's no way i'll get it done before i go to bed. this is Really Stressful. high school should not make me feel this Old.

08:26:37 PM

Don't have angst.

Jaromir Blagr
06:44:05 PM

TA - Tangsters Anonymous

"Hello, my name is Anonymous. And I am addicted to tangst."

Honestly, I /am/ a tangst junkie.

06:31:30 PM

Hey, I got your url on smalltime.
Just figured I'd leave you a message, cause messages are fun.
(Unless someone's bitching at you, that's not fun at all.)

05:47:03 PM

When I saw this on PostSecret, I thought "Yes, this is it exactly."

I really do wish I knew how to fall out of love. I used to know, but my method doesn't work anymore - in fact, it makes things worse. And this time, it's lasted too long and is still driving me crazy.

I need for it to end.

I'm going to ask her tommorrow.

12:30:55 PM

He's too busy for me and I'm too busy for him.. What if he forgets about me? We barely get to see each other but that one night we spent in each others arms.. That was heaven... Ugh damn being busy

11:28:04 AM

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I'm the happiest now that I've ever been.

Oh, but I lie. An hour ago, I was the happiest that I have ever been. Curfew occurred, and the joy faded. The memory of it, however, will never fade.

Happiness is the most addicting drug ever.

11:57:22 PM

The Key Club Dance was not lame.

The people who left early were.

11:35:54 PM

Listen to me. I am your best friend.
I hate your boyfriend.

You say you love him more than you love me, but your actions say otherwise.

11:28:03 PM

I'm dating a vampire, and it is so damn sexy.

11:26:40 PM

Why am I so afraid of losing him when I can't even bring myself to care about him? Why don't I just break up with him? I wish I knew.

10:26:12 PM

YES, she said shed go to prom with me....hallelujah

08:49:55 PM

The good news: I love her and she loves me.

The bad news: I choked and wasnt hard enough. So, basically, I fail at life and am still a virgin.

The good news: She still loves me.

The bad news: I hate myself.

01:49:01 PM

I take ten pills each morning. Not counting vitamins. The pills correct my imperfections and bad decisions. To function "normally" I rely on manufactured substances. If I forget one, my life comes crashing down and my body punishes me. Sometimes I remember to forget them just to feel the liberty of not being chained to these chemicals; to feel like me instead of a machiene.

10:24:22 AM

it still bugs me when my parents fight.

02:09:49 AM

Friday, February 10, 2006

I think we, the tangsters, should choose who the admins go to prom with. .. even if it's not another admin.


07:45:10 PM

I watched a discovery channel show about sex and beauty (yeah one of those) that was saying how symmetrical people get laid more, get better jobs, make more money, etc, all because other people's subconsciouses like you more if you're beautiful. I've been paranoid ever since. --My eyes aren't even--! I know it's absolutely retarted, but it would completely suck if my life was worse off from the start all because of some gene glitch or sinus infection that made my face crooked.

God damned deterministic universe...

06:01:19 PM

Every reminder that you're a senior is like a punch in the stomach.

05:07:47 PM

Tintedfragipan you should move to Boulder, Colorado and go to BHS (I learned about Tangst through The Walls Have Eyes) because this really hot guy just transfered to our school (sadly I am a heterosexual female and he is gay) but he is in need of a close friend. He is really gorgeous.

02:51:16 AM

Thursday, February 09, 2006

My boyfriend has sweet ideas, but he never follows through. He says that he'll do so many little thoughtful things for me, but when it comes time to execute them, he either does it obviously half-assed or not at all. I think he's more in love with the idea of a relationship than with me.

11:36:03 PM

hey all..
I created another blog for those of you who just like to write.. poetry, prose.. anything.. it's anon. just like this community.


09:52:41 PM

I give you cold, fake lies that it doesnt bother me or tell you off whenever you cut, but I do something just as dangerous when I hurt. I get in my car, turn the sterio all the way up, and push it straight to the fourth gear redline (120-130mph) down a two-lane highway nearby, and I usually do it late at night to avoid being stopped by cops. Sometimes I go down the dirt road as fast as I can so I can whip her around even if its only 3/4 a car length wide.

08:16:36 PM

I was this close to telling you how I feel about you and asking you how you felt about me and/or 'us' today. The words were actually coming out of my mouth, but you said something at the same time and I said "no, go ahead" and we conversed and never got back around to what I was saying. Man oh man oh man. One can only wonder...

08:01:18 PM

i do not know hannah or pchis personally, but based on their online personalities, they seem like they would be an -ADORABLE- couple.

just a thought ;)

06:27:42 PM

oh how true, how true:

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,
Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,
Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

i was in love with him for 2 years. when he started dating someone else just when i got up the courage to ask him out, i took it as a sign that nothing would ever work out between us. it was a long and painful process, but eventually my feelings passed and i was able to move on.

we have always been very good friends, and the other day the subject of relationships came up. he confessed to me that he had been in love with me over the past year or two, but had never been able to ask me because he knew i would never feel the same way about him. the only reason why he told me then was that his feelings had passed.

if only one of us had had the courage to come out of our safety zone, a couple of broken hearts might have been spared.

06:26:05 PM

My boyfriend and I were having sex. it was consentual, but then he moved down. I didn't want it there, but he didn't listen. But I said yes at the begining before he did that. I'm not sure If I was raped or not.

04:55:21 PM

So, that was an interesting drive home.

I was going to come home and be angry. I was going to come post on tangst a scathing response to the slanders someone has been spreading about me, I was going to build myself up. But then I started thinking about this short story we've been reading in English class. When reading "The Bear" by William Faulkner the theme isn't quite clear at first; like most Faulkner works you have to kind of reread a paragraph to make everything fit. This theme really fits in my life today.

A lot of people think that I'm a suckup, or they think that I get things I don't deserve because I have certain friendships and relationships. This really bothers me a lot, usually, and especially recently when someone has been saying things that are blatantly not true. However, I realized on the way home that I don't need to defend myself from these accusations. Just like Ike in "The Bear," who didn't -have- to shoot the legendary animal to prove his skill at hunting, I don't have to respond to these comments. Ike knew he was good enough. I know I'm good enough. I know the grades, honors, awards, positions I earn are mine by right because of my skill, and I am not ashamed, and I do not need to worry about what other people think.

Certain people probably think I've been acting like an asshole for what I've done lately. I praise the higher power that I am not accountable to these people. At the end of my life, will I be happy? Will I be content? I don't know, but I plan on it. I want to be. You only get to live life once, as far as I'm concerned, and how will worrying about what others think about my motivations and my actions (when I know my motivations and actions far better than they could) add one thing to the experience?

There arises the question "Can't a guy be wrong about his own skills, his own motivations? What about self-deception?"

God dammit, I'm a man. Say I am wrong, it doesn't matter. Logically, why would I choose to decieve myself? It doesn't seem like a good thing to do, I guess. If I'm doing it subconsciously, if I'm giving myself a little "leeway," it doesn't matter. I have to fix that as it comes up. I can't be responsible for the things I don't know. At least I know what I think about myself. And that is what matters.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

This is me thanking you for finding out.
This is me thanking you for talking to me.
This is me thanking you for letting me connect with someone who understands.

11:32:58 PM

I don't understand what's going on with me and him. We'll go days without talking to one another and then something will happen and we'll have a really deep profound conversation. We share all these weird little things that no one else would find significant but they're important to us. Every little triumph he has, he'll come talk to me about it. I do the same thing back.

Because of this, I think I know him better than anyone else. But there's a whole other side to him that I never see, the side that everyone else does. I can't think of him that way. We know exactly which buttons to push to drive the other crazy. We bait each other all the time.

But we're going nowhere. And it's making me confused.

08:42:53 PM

Just a little public opinion poll: What do you guys think should be included in the teacher and administration portions of the soon to be Enloe Honor Code?

08:41:42 PM

Today in math class the windows were open just a crack and (in the middle of Taylor Series) this wonderful earthy-green swell wafted in the window. I stopped paying attention completely and was left with my heart pounding at the merest notion of spring on the way.

It's amazing how something as simple as a change in temperature can carry all that emotional significance. Humans are the shit, there's no denying it.

08:11:19 PM

We're getting to be better friends as the days progress. People have started to ask about "us", even though we are not an "us". We seem to dedicate our time together to making eachother smile. I'm starting to feel that jumpy thing in my heart whenever I see you. I'm starting to feel that blushy warm feeling whenever we're close together.

It's probably just me misconstruing your signals again because I'm desperate for anything. I really want to go for it, but I'm scared that we are what we appear to be-

Just Friends.

07:55:55 PM

My girlfriend is a nympho and all she ever wants to do is have sex. It's stopped being fun and sensual and it's now just a chore. I'm so bored with it and she wants it so much that it's not uncommon for me to facebook while she's under the desk giving me a blowjob. I don't know what I should do is my point.

07:24:34 PM

Every conversation is like sex.

06:50:56 PM

"I have always considered myself to be an independent woman."

But lately, I've been getting really frustrated with the loneliness. As everyone's starting to pair off, I'm starting to realize exactly how much I've been longing for a boyfriend.

Someone that I can talk to and not feel guilty complaining to when I have a bad day, he'll do so right back when he feels like it. Someone I can tell everything to, and not have to worry about whether or not he's going to judge everything that comes out of my mouth. Someone that understands me and isn't just going to avoid confrontation when I'm being terrible.

What I really want though, is someone who isn't afraid to touch me. I miss getting hugs. But whenever I get them I always feel smothered now. All I want is that safe, protected, loved feeling again. Like nothing could go wrong. I miss that feeling way too much.

04:30:30 PM

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

On days when I don't have a chance to talk to him, I feel like there's a hole in my heart. And whenever we do talk, I always feel desperately sad after saying goodbye.

10:28:15 PM

People shouldn't depend on me...

...for anything.

10:24:49 PM

These are my final thoughts
I've spoken too much already
wielded as a blade
your words have pierced me for the last time

Its my turn to fight
My turn to scream..
Yet my cries fall on deaf ears..
Listen! Goddammit why won't you listen!?
No medicine is strong enough for this
Nothing can dull this pain

I'm your sister
making another mistake
I'm your daughter
yet again disappointing
I'm your friend
Hoping you will see through my smile
I'm your student
Striving for Perfection

I am an angel..
fallen from heaven and stuck in this hell

10:19:34 PM

they always say home is where your heart is.. my heart's far away in heaven with my friend yet I'm still here.. Does that mean I'm living in a false home?

10:14:12 PM

I am Eponine in more than just the "He will never love me because he is in a relationship that is really good for the two of them" kind of way. I am Eponine in the "I also happen to have a despicable personality" way, too.

07:53:41 PM

Vegetarianism is such bullshit. Just fuckin let me eat my steak in peace. I don't wanna hear your whiney asses evangelizing about animal rights and feelings and whatever. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to enjoy a salad. Pass me the bacon and shut your mouth.

06:49:59 PM

"Then Joe Starks realized all the meanings and his vanity bled like a flood. Janie had robbed him of his illusion of irresistible maleness that all men cherish, which was terrible. The thing that Saul's daughter had done to David. But Janie had done worse, she had cast down his empty armor before men and they had laughed, and would keep on laughing. When he paraded his possessions hereafter, they would not consider the two together. They'd look with envy at the things and pity the man that owned them. When he sat in judgment it would be the same. Good-for-nothign's like Dave and Lum and Jim wouldn't change place with him. For what can excuse a man in the eyes of other men for lack of strength? Raggedy-behind squirts of sixteen and seventeen would be giving him their merciless pity out of their eyes while their mouths said something humble. There was nothing to do in life anymore. Ambition was useless. And the cruel deceit of Janie! Making all that show of humbleness and scorning him all that time! Laughing at him, and now putting the town up to the same. Joe Starks didn't know the words for all this, but he knew the feelings. So he struck Janie with all his might and drove her from the store."-Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God

I just thought this quote was awesome.

I also believe it provided an adequate example of a question proposed in an earlier post as to when it is appropriate to hit a women.


Never mind that I'm right fucking there... Go ahead. Make your plans. Heaven forbid that there's the slighest hint of subtlety.

04:28:53 PM

right now i'm so happy i could dance!

03:22:28 PM

*edits photos*

*manages business*

I'm practicing.

It's not that bad.


06:52:52 AM

Monday, February 06, 2006

I always end up comparing myself to these crazy overachievers at school. I'll talk to them and they'll be like "oh yeah, my rank is 12...thats so bad!" and i'm sitting there thinking about how i'm 80 something. They'll be complaining about how they have a B in a class, and i'm thinking about how I have a C and almost all Bs. Why do I compare myself to them? oh yeah. because i'm asian.

08:48:04 PM

Whenever I think about sex with my boyfriend at the dinnertable, I offer to clear the dishes after dinner as pennace for my guilt.

07:35:51 PM

I finally figured out how to use tangst and I'm tangstless... damn that makes me feel angsty about not being angsty. I've worried myself into angst, this is great. Damn I adore being a hormone driven confused collection of cells commonly refered to as a teenager.

07:32:47 PM

i used to think PostSecret was good but now i just find it nauseating.

tangst is far better


09:47:08 AM

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Duke and UNC are playing on Wednesday, and I'm pumped! Who else is?! I mean, everyone knows Duke is gonna win, but still! This is what I've been waiting for since last March!

09:14:19 PM

So many girls.....and all of them "just friends"....I'm so hopeless...

07:38:37 PM

People have confirmed the fact that you like me. I mean, it's not like you were trying to keep it a secret. You know this will ruin our friendship.

So, for your own good and the good of our friendship in the long run. I will now initiate the avoiding-you-at-all-costs phase. I will be friendly in forced contact, but you probably won't see me for a while.

If you continue to like me then I will be forced to escalate to the ignoring-you-completely phase.

AND if you don't take the hint I will resort to the being-mean-to-you-for-no-apparent-reason phase.

Good luck, comrade. I hope this doesn't take long.

05:59:45 PM

I am in love with a boy that will never love me back. And I think I'm finally okay with that.

05:44:47 PM


I know it's not a secret but who is everyone going for? I'm a TOTAL PITTSBURGH GIRL!! Goin' for the STEELERS all the way!!

04:34:32 PM

Ugh, secret:

During church today we were talking about lust and when I was focused on to answer a question all I could think of was Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric."

So when it's like "Hey, do you have something to be thankful for, sir?" And all I can think to say is:

"The expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face,
It is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists,
It is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees, dress does not hide him,
The strong sweet quality he has strikes through the cotton and broadcloth,
To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more
You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side."


"I knew a man, a common farmer, father of five sons...
When he went with his five sons and many grand sons to hunt or fish, you would pick him out as the most beautiful and vigorous of the gang,
You would wish long and long to be with him, you would wish to sit by him in the boat that you and he might touch each other."

So instead you don't say anything and you sit gaping mouthed and look stupid, and think awkwardly that everyone can read the thoughts inside your head.

Yay for poetry :P

I am a doll with
sparkling glass eyes

I am the envy of
girls who pass by

I am beautiful and perfect
in every way

but boys don't play with dolls

09:14:09 AM

He kissed me...

I could fly right now

12:16:46 AM

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Depression runs in my family. And because there's such a stigma against people who have it, I'm afraid to admit that I might possibly have depression. Or maybe it's just a teenages thing. I don't know. All I do know is that I hate feeling like this.

11:44:29 PM

Ahhhh, even as I write these very words, TANGST IS DOWN.

I am crying, on the inside.

I will post something from a novel, that I could relate to:

"In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. And before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep, you are not. And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not. Jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does now know whether he is or not. He cannot empty himself for sleep because he is not what he is and he is what he is not. Beyond the unlamped wall I can hear the rain shaping the wagon that is ours, the load that is ourno longer theirs that felled and sawed it nor yet theirs that bought it and which is not ours either, lie on our wagon though it does, since only the wind and the rain shape it only to Jewel and me, that are not asleep. And since sleep is is--not the rain and wind are was, it is not. Yet the wagon is because when the wagon is was, Addie Bundren will not be. Jewel is, so Addie Bundren must be. And then I must be, or I could not empty my self for sleep in a strange room. And so if I am not emptied yet, I am is.
How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home."

-Darl Bundren, from William Falkners As I Lay Dying.

I had previously believed that, by law, in order to see an R-rated movie unaccompanied by an adult, one must be at least seventeen years of age. I am seventeen years of age, as is my friend. We decided to celebrate being seventeen by going to see our first in-theater, unaccompanied, R-rated movie together (it was Brokeback Mountain, for the more curious among you.) My friend was sold a ticket without question, wheras I, arriving later, was asked my age and denied a ticket because I was under eighteen. A long debate followed where a lot of people got very flustered and the result was that neither of us got to see our gay cowboys.

I hate North Carolina law.

04:58:51 PM

My "great joy" is that I aced two quizzes yesterday, in classes where I had previously had falling grades. Which further solidifies the idea that I *can* maintain both a serious relationship and an above 4.0 GPA at the same time.

12:36:34 PM

There's a boy.. He's younger than I am but I think I like him... we're going to a dance tonight and I'm extremely exicited.. I just don't know what to do about liking him because my best friend dated him and he broke up with her because he ended up not being able to stand her.. This friend also has been treating me like crap lately.. so any advice?

11:10:57 AM

It's a sad day when you get over 8:10 on an erg test...

Friday, February 03, 2006

As a casual reader of this site, I read the post below requesting more upbeat subjects from the general readership. As I have never posted a new topic, I thought I’d give this a try.

I’ve spent too much time this past week thinking about what to do for my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. As I am in a long distance relationship, the holiday presents a great outlet for my intrinsic, but not always displayed, creativity.

Here are my plans:

I am going to tell her to expect a package, the contents of which are a homemade card and a framed picture of the two of us. (I won’t tell her what’s in it though…that’s between you and me.) I am going to send four notes, one for each of her classes (block schedule), to her friend. Her friend will give a note to four students, one from each of her classes. So, if all the plans work out, she’ll get a note from me in each class on Valentine’s Day! The notes will all be a part of one message, meaning I will stop writing in mid-sentence with a ". . ."

She is not the flower-type, so I truly believe I shouldn’t order flowers. If I know she doesn’t like them, it won’t be special.

What do you all think?

04:46:19 PM

Several earlier posts got me thinking:

How many of us anonymouses have crushes on Tangst admins? And are we in love with them because of who they are here on the site, or for what they are in real life?

I just thought that was interesting.

04:43:12 PM

The day we got our report cards I folded mine in half and refused to look. I've been so freaked out about my falling math grade and college decisions that denial seemed the only good answer. If I didn't see the grades they didn't exist, right? I finally took them out for the first time this afternoon, and wow. What the heck was I worried about?! Sure I dropped two letter grades overall, but with so many APs what else was I supposed to expect?

Enloe can make you think ridiculous things sometimes. Just remember to keep the big picture in mind and don't let arbitrary letters and numbers rule any part of your life.

I have a C. Colleges will see it. I am perfectly content with that.

04:39:17 PM

i totally have a crush on doctorA.

logical, calm, dependable, honest, probing, respectful... I LOVE IT.

seriously hoping the doctors a dude.

if its a dudette...not to drag up the gay/les topic but...hey epiphany, maybe sometimes its not the physical sex of a person but the person them self, regardless of sex?

03:19:47 AM

I'm never going to be happy.

I want the pain to go away the only way I know how, but too many people rely on me.

I'm just afraid of the day I feel selfish.

12:08:57 AM

I don't have a whole lot of joy to spread. But, I am ridiculously grateful for having such great friends, that they'll avoid studying for a physics test just to listen to me try to make sense of what's happening right now.

12:00:33 AM

Thursday, February 02, 2006

This is my tangst.

Alright, so I did it for the 300th post, and 500 seems like another good benchmark.

The huge issue has come up recently that the site has gotten mean. My first response is that it's you guys, the users, who make it that way. And that makes me incredibly sad.

I'm supposed to be gone now. Taking a break, and only monitoring the site, watching it go through its paces without me.

Instead, I'm worrying about censoring and new regulations supported by my fellow admins. TF even started the movement calling for regulations. And he's an ardent Randist, Objectivist, and Libertarian.

As several posters have started leaving because of various issues - the site getting too popular, too mean, too disgusting, too hateful - I've started questioning what exactly is going on.

Was that dog post just a sign of things to come? Is the site falling apart before my very eyes? Have we gone past the point of tangst and encountered pessimism and cynicism in their pure forms?

But the question that flew into my mind that really hurt the most was "Do I want to continue?"

That shouldn't have even been an option. Two weeks ago, I knew that I loved the site more than anyone else. I've spent more time on this than anyone else. My obsession was the biggest, no contest - that's part of why I went away. But now, I don't even know if I want to permanently come back. Which is really bad.

I hate that I have to pull out "The Creator" card. But that's truly terrible. I don't want to abandon Tangst. It is the last, most serious, most permanent solution to the problem. It makes me want to cry that that's a solution.

Please don't make me do it. Don't be the Looters. Don't take from me one of the things I love. Don't make me destroy my creation to keep it from being further perverted. Don't make me pull a Howard Roark. I don't want to be a Galt or a Roark or even an Ellis Wyatt.

In response to the negativity issue below I propose a plan. Everyone (not just admins or a few frequent posters) start a new topic about a recent joy in your life. Let's have a healthy smattering of joy to purge those few icky posts out of our system.

08:33:55 PM

Has anyone noticed how much hate there is all over this site?

"not to be a flamer, but...

basically I've come to hate everyone who posts on this site. It used to offer catharsis for me. Now you guys annoy the hell out of me.

Fuck all of you."


"I hate gay people, I hate liberals, and most of all I hate whiners."


"I really don't like you, tinted."

This place used to bee all happy and emo and junk, but no everyone hates everyone else. How sad.

The Watcher
07:56:22 PM

Me and my Dad had a "moment in the car on the way home just now. I reminded how I had always loved when I was little to go in the car with him when it was dark and raining. Even if he was going on a stupid arbitrary errand I would jump in the car with him as long as it was night time. I just loved that feeling of being wrapped up in the darkness with the heater going and being protected by someone strong and capable that I knew would always keep the car on the road and always keep me safe. We talked all about the old days before the divorce and, for the first time, about how he felt about me going away to college.

I haven't been this happy in a very very long time.

07:41:16 PM

I can't wait until next weekend. I am looking forward to the Key Club dance and related festivities way too much.

hey i wrote a poem today, totally random, just stream of consciousness type thing.

IT LOOKS LONG BUT TAKES QUITE A SHORT TIME TO READ. it may not makes sense to you, but just give it a shot please? :)...


I remember…
Being inside
A small crate
With love empty and superficial

I remember…
A wall
A long low gray wall

I remember…
Staring through the carpet
Endless rows of feet
Pound over
Over fragile fibers

I remember…
A scream
A soft little cry ate
Through my bones
Eyes I could not see,
But I felt
Deep eyes, soft eyes
Turned thin and brittle

I remember…
Opening a door
It doesn’t matter
The room is not even there.
I miss that
I no longer understand.

I remember…
That I stopped
For one blink I stared at
My innocent feet
Neatly packaged in their
I then realized I was moving
Away away away
From where my heart wanted to go.
But oh!
My feet had given up
Though my heart had not…
I drifted down
Down the long way I had come.
Why the journey?
I do not understand but

I remember…
A sweaty dark space
A jacket
Where have they gone?
The buttons, the pockets
All brown brown brown
And smelling of loneliness

I remember…
A bowl of noodles
Round green bowl
Sweet golden noodles
They mocked me.
That one noodle
Laughing its bright, sharp
My air scattered away

I remember…
The rough bites of wood
The soft sloughing of falling scraps
Why this transformation?
The purpose: some other game
A pencil
For the sake of others?

If it were up to me
I think
I would like
To be a dull pencil.

But I do not remember.

06:16:21 PM

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Speeding gives me a sexual type of pleasure.

That's my secret, that's why I speed.

10:14:12 PM

Not to be a flamer, but...

basically I've come to hate everyone who posts on this site. It used to offer catharsis for me. Now you guys annoy the hell out of me.

Fuck all of you.

09:41:55 PM

I hate gay people, I hate liberals, and most of all I hate whiners.

07:09:31 PM

You know the physical feeling of loss of hope? The one where a few seconds earlier you were bright and energetic. You had hope about the day turning out well, you had the hope that he liked you, you had the hope that you two would make a perfect couple etc etc. All of a sudden he says something to make your day crash down. Five words or so- and you realize that he's just not that into you and there is nothing you can do about it. You stop whatever you were doing and just stand there. You do not want to sit down or walk anywhere- or even move at all. You just want to sit there and run the scenario over and over in your head asking yourself what went wrong. You have no energy and no will to do anything except stand there in a trance-like state.

That's how I feel whenever I talk to you.

04:28:38 PM

I used to go to my friend's house every day for a month to try to get free coke (see:cocaine) to snort lines. I was already smoking, drinking and having the occasional hit of pot and was having the time of my life. Thank the Lord I wasn't successful, and her mom came home every time she would break out the lines, I eventually gave up and just relied on my other habits.

I was the kind of girl that you didn't cross unless you wanted a combat boot to the face.

Now I'm that happy girl that tries her hardest not to swear that much. I try to put all others before myself. I'm that pious and clean girl that you wouldn't suspect anything out of. I love all things. I sit next to you in English class. Surprise?

04:08:43 PM

"Penguins live in the Arctic"

I allowed this to remain on my site under the "Penguin" entry for three whole days.

I hate myself.


12:43:54 PM

We make plans for big times
Get bogged down, distracted
We make plans for good times
All neon, all surface
So kiss me before it all gets complicated

--Plans by Bloc Party

Live for the moment, yeah?

12:24:29 AM

Sometimes when I'm by myself it bothers me that I'm so dependant on being with you. But then I see you again. Please don't break up with me.

12:02:44 AM