Monday, July 31, 2006

why are people on Tangst so negative and condescending? i think people who post on here are generally looking for some source of comfort. why must there be so much rudeness?

just wondering.

11:22:12 PM

today was one of the shittiest days i've had in a long time. maybe tomorrow will be better?

10:59:53 PM

I want to buy a vibrator.

10:51:38 PM

Sunday, July 30, 2006

you're supposed to not be able to live without them.
but yet,
i have this one friend,
who just sometimes, snaps on me and makes me feel like everything is all my fault.
sometimes i feel like cutting and just breaking down.
and sometimes,
she makes me feel horrible.
but then, i remember all those times
when she was the only one who's opinion i care about.
and once again,
i go back and feel paranoid of every single one of my moves.
i really care about her though.

10:32:42 PM

I feel like he's constantly testing me and that I keep failing to meet his expectations.

12:12:40 AM

Saturday, July 29, 2006

i've been thinking about becoming anorexic or bulemic for awhile now.
today, i made a halfhearted attempt at trying to make myself throw up, and realized the truth:
i wish i had as much guts/willpower/whatever to be like those girls. even though i hate myself, i can't stop myself from eating... and once in awhile when i do manage to, my family is constantly shoving food down my throat (and then make snide remarks about my weight).

i feel pathetic.

05:26:05 PM

I just got back from being a counselor-in-training at my old summer camp. I was a longtime camper and well-liked by counselors, camp directors, and fellow campers: it only made sense to become a staff member once I came of age. Sure, I was a little late and only got on for the end of the summer sessions, but I was there. Shouldn't five years as camper and CIT--two on the camp's Honor Council--make me a part of the family?

But lying alone in my empty cabin on the last night of camp, surrounded by bunks that looked all the more empty for the posters and sleeping bags that had hung on them just this morning before the parents swooped down the gravel drive and whisked their precious children back to the world of air conditioning and internet connections, listening to the sounds of the other staff members' End-of-Camp party drift across the lake in drunken hoots and hollers, thinking about all the sundresses and pearls and polo shirts and straightened hair and colored trunks adorned with photos of Ponte Vedra Beach and country love songs and South Carolina bumper stickers with palmettos and crescent moons slapped on the backsides of shiny SUVs, I realized how very alone I really was.

I missed a sci-fi convention to babysit future Southern sorority sisters who don't even know what a ten-sided die looks like. Why?

I have a soldier,
a soldier boy sent off to war
to war
To warm
with fire-arm heat
his heart
might go down
in a b l a z e of glory.

But my bed is cold and empty.

Our connection as thin as the paper his letters are written on...
dirty, ink smudged,
worn out love.
My heart is his used bullet shell.

There are open arms offered to me here...
But if I took them.
Held them.
Let myself cry these oily tears...

That fragile dog chain between us...

Would snap.

Those hollow soldier's eyes.
Like two hour glasses
with all the sand run out-

would look out into the desert

Eyes thirsty,
For someone,
For some touch of home...
Would run dry

And he would b u r n out
in that b l a z e of glory.

For a traitor.
A traitor like me.
Weak-hearted heartland girl.

An enemy within.

O for the love of him am I put in such pain.
Odd that love should force such a breaking.
This breaking.
That will break both our hearts.

I have a soldier,
a soldier boy sent off to war
to war
to a war
while my mind fights battles of its own.

02:29:25 AM

so about circumcision. I wasnt circumcised and im a little nervous about what my girlfriend's reaction will be.

12:19:08 AM

I feel like i'm over it,
since it has been many months.

but then,
i get the feeling
that there's no one else like him,
and he's the one i want.

but then i remember,
i'm over it.

am i the only one like this?

12:00:32 AM

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm afraid if I don't do something soon, she'll lose interest. But I'm too much of a pussy to even pick up the damn phone. I love her so much, but all I can do to show it is flirt over AIM.

Sometimes I hate myself.

03:28:01 PM

Why don't men cry?

12:50:50 PM

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Females are entirely perplexing. They frustrate me to no end.

09:37:22 PM

when will it be MY turn???

04:48:24 PM

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

He put their fucking dog to sleep! I can only imagine what my cousin is feeling right now. Her father must be some kind of fucking sociopath. He left her mom and then a week after the divorce was final he introduced them to the new woman he's living with. He gave her son my cousin's room. Who does that? He keeps telling my aunt it's basically her fault the he hasn't loved her for 5 years. Today was the final straw. He calls my aunt to tell her about his vacation to meet his new girlfriend's family in Florida. He had called her before he left to see if she could watch his dog for him while he was gone and she said no, I mean, why would she say yes? He's fully capable of hiring a sitter. When she asks about dog she so graciously gave him, he hesitates before saying "well I had to put it to sleep". What the fuck? This dog was 8 years old and in perfect health. My cousin loved that dog like it was her baby. Apparently he did it himself too. He stole drugs from the hospital he works at and put it to sleep himself. We all think it's because he didn't want to get someone to watch it. My aunt told him to send the dog back if it was giving him too much trouble. She blames herself. My cousins never want to speak to him again. This is how he cut off all ties to his parents. The first time he saw them in maybe 30 years was at their funerals. I can't believe he's doing it to his daughters too. It's just sick. I hate him. How could anyone live with what he’s done? I kind of hope he doesn’t live long enough for him to do this again to anyone else.

11:16:20 PM

I was originally planning to do a takeover of Tangst today in honor of my birthday. It would have been fun - think April Fools. But then I decided that no one really visits Tangst now, and so the effect would be minimal. Oh, well.

Happy Birthday to me.

Is silence really that golden? Now you have a ghost in your passenger seat, and there will be no more embraces on train station platforms. Hate and spite seems to have replaced love so swiftly. What happened?

04:29:39 PM

Monday, July 24, 2006

i hate enloe.
only one more year and its over.
i wish i get a parking spot.

08:51:58 PM

I won't stop loving you, no matter what you do to me or how you try to shake me off.

Love has no past tense.

07:35:11 AM

i often find myself criticizing others for their sense of style, or the way they look. I push my own self to the limit to look good as possible Im on the verge of being anorexic. I cant help it its like theres a fashion diva stuck inside of my head and i only see things her way. maybe im just a perfectionist.
I hate people who claim they are good at something but to me their work is a piece of crap.
I hate myself for it why cant I accept that the world is imperfect and even I dont look that good either

and the sad part among of all this is Im a guy...and I hate myself.

02:56:50 AM

I didn't find the church service today particularly inspiring, but when I looked over at him, I was struck by the beauty of him just playing the guitar.

I think I should feel bad about this. But I don't.

12:17:49 AM

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I keep thinking about this guy I used to know. He was probably the greatest listener I've never met in my life. My beliefs would not stand as they do now if not for him. He's not coming back next year and I'm not sure if I can continue this whole self discovery thing without him. I guess my mom's the only person I have left to talk to. I don't think she wants to hear about my views on sexuality nor do I want to share them.

11:43:34 PM

You dont give a shit about me anymore as far as I can tell. Thanks.

10:42:15 PM

He couldn't get it up. :(

I hope it was just nerves and not confirmation of my sneaking suspicion that he's "just not that into me."

01:46:19 PM

Saturday, July 22, 2006

why must it always be about her?

02:52:24 PM

Friday, July 21, 2006

Okay, this dream thing is getting pretty ridiculous. Last night I had the most vivid and detailed account of my former favorite fantasy of you and I (together and in Love.) The unicorns-and-rainbows kind of love. The The-Notebook-meets-every-fairy-tale kind of love.

I FUCKING HATE THIS. I'm driving myself insane.
Get. Out. Of. My. Head.
How do I get rid of these nightmares? They're only getting worse.

Do these actually mean something? Is there something I'm not getting?

02:18:38 AM

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I'm afraid to tell you that I love you, because if I do it will make this real. And right now we're both too busy praying it's not a dream.

12:06:23 AM

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

it's been a year, this month, a year since we first started talking.

it seems like decades ago that we first started out. and then i haven't talked to him since june, and it was fine, i'm growing and expanding and meeting new people and i was fine ... and then i sent him a message that said "hey, are you doing okay" just because i still care about him as a person, and i wanted to know if he was doing alright, if he was alive y'kno, (something along those lines) and he never replied... but i know he got it.

and i instantly became ridiculously upset, and i'm still on the verge of tears. why?

i know, how emo and angsty, but sometimes i think that going back in time wouldn't be a bad plan after all.

07:38:09 PM

Would you date someone who believes in a different religion than yours?

04:40:33 PM

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

my dad is getting brain surgery next thursday. they say with all the advances in modern technology there is nothing to worry about but still there is that thought in my head. i don't want to go to the hospital but my mom is making me only because she thinks she will get lost. no matter who i'm with i always feel alone in the world. when i'm with my gf it helps but we never hangout so it sorta defeats the idea of her being there for me. i just don't know. does anyone out there know someone thats had DBS surgery or any type of brain surgery at all? i guess a little reassurence would help me.

10:06:55 PM

I just got off the phone with you. We talked about everything: your girlfriend, my crushes, and I just don't know what the hell I feel anymore. I want to say you're my closest guy friend, because you are, but you are also so much more than that. Please, see me one day as me.

05:00:00 PM

I kissed a drunk girl...I was totally was disgusting...I'm disgusting.

04:01:06 PM

You're shining still beneath the clouds
Saying I'll never figure you out
It might be true, but let me try
And try and try for the rest of my life
I'm not scared of being alone
I'm not scared of being alone
I'm just happier being confused
Beside the fire, as long as it's with you

"Why Should the Fire Die?"
Nickel Creek

This is us.

03:19:03 PM

somehow he's been in my dreams every night for the past week or so. and i thought i was over him. sigh.

03:05:37 PM

The only reason I'm staying up late is so I'll sleep in past one and won't have to put up with people trying to organize activities for the day. My day tomorrow (today?) is shot and I will achieve nothing- just as I planned it.

I work hard for my laziness, and for that I feel beyond pathetic.But I'm really too lazy to care about that.

01:44:23 AM

Monday, July 17, 2006

so now i just have to ignore your existence for another two years.

12:45:36 AM

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Every time I think that I'm over you and I've coped with the fact that you're out of my life, I go to sleep and dream about you being a wonderful person and a wonderful boyfriend (which you never were)(…a boyfriend, that is). It's always a great dream, but I always wake up sad and depressed.
You're like a bad cut. As soon as the scab starts to form and the healing begins, my dreams RIP IT OFF (quite violently) and make me bleed again.

Fuck dreams, man. I hate my subconscious.

10:02:52 PM

i feel so entirely guilty.

i just met this guy through a friend we were both staying with this weekend, and i thought he was really cool. incidentally, i spent last night sleeping in his arms.

and what sucks, is he's on his way home to florida today.

i can't even look at my boyfriend. somehow he doesn't seem adequate anymore.

06:52:47 PM

I just spent thirteen hours straight with him. And I miss him already.

06:42:40 AM

how do i reject someone who confessed just 3days ago without hurting him? i'll be seeing him twice a week and i realise we cant go any futher than being friends..

05:45:51 AM

Saturday, July 15, 2006

girl put your records on
tell me your favorite song
you go ahead let your hair down
sapphire and faded jeans
i hope you get your dreams
just go ahead let your hair down

haha. that song always puts me in a good mood. so i just looked over APs today. mediocre, but still pretty happy with them. but uhh... how the hell did i only get a 4 in art history? but a 5 in world history? that's supposed to be flip flopped.

10:16:02 PM

leaving behind all that,i'll start anew without you.

12:45:45 PM

Friday, July 14, 2006

I am lonely and depressed and I want him to give me a hug.

...but he's on another continent.

04:39:43 PM

I really hate the awkwardness of telling people I do not like them the way they like me. So seriously find out if your crush likes you before being bold and putting yourself and he/she in uncomfortable positions.

03:01:01 AM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I love this teen flirtation.

09:39:46 PM

this is my secret:

after you log in to span, you can see anyone's picture by going to
where # is their ncwise number. eg:

(remove the line break)

can anyone say stalking?

09:31:37 PM

Months have passed and I still don't know how I feel or what I think about it. Time is not making things better.

08:50:40 PM

I got a "4" on my English AP. The 2nd best score you can get. So why do I feel so inadequate?

05:33:31 PM

Sometimes I really, really, wish my parents would just get a divorce.

01:34:43 AM

My paranoia is taking over. I hate it when I think Tangst posts are either about me, or being used by my ex to set me up. I wish my therapist understood how much I'm disturbed by my own trains of thought.

12:13:33 AM

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

My (recently) exboyfriend is in the hospital.

I don't know what to do..whether to see him, whether to stay away. I can't help but think it might have been a suicide attempt. I don't know what to do..

10:48:46 PM

I convinced him that we shouldn't be together anymore. It's not like I ever cared if he really liked me anyway, but this continuous "I miss you, but I'm too damn lazy to drive down and see you" shit was too much. Now he wants me back. I promised him a date. A last chance date, if you will. I wonder if he'll keep it. I wonder if I'll care.

06:29:48 PM

it sickens me how little people care about other countries' issues these days.
today there were 7 bomb blasts in local trains and 2 train stations in Mumbai, India. Over 450 were injured and over 150 were killed.
did you know?

did you care?

06:09:51 PM

I just went to a pro-ana website. Strangely, I was less offended by the stupid people who think that the Holocaust Victim look is "in" this year than by the atrocious spelling and grammar I found on the site.

02:28:49 PM

my friends call/text me all time saying they miss me and stuff when im at work. but when im off and i call them to hangout. they never answer or reply, so i end up just sitting at home all alone.

i wish i had friends who werent so fake.

01:44:18 AM

Monday, July 10, 2006

Wow. No tangst about AP scores yet? Mine came in the mail today. I'm pretty happy with my scores, except for a 4 that I got in English. I should have had a 5 on that. Otherwise, I was rather pleasantly surprised to have gotten a 5 on Psychology.

Ah, well. Consider this your drop spot for all your AP woes.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

why is it that i know i look really beautiful somedays, but i look like absolute shit other days?

i mean, i can't change THAT much overnight. and on my "bad days" i feel like everyone is scrutinizing me 3496824624195832 x more.

11:53:56 PM

I've been blowing people off all weekend for no reason.

Queen Sekaf
11:53:30 PM

i think i like a guy at work. i think he likes me too, but he's leaving to go to college in the fall. should i go for it anyway, or is it not worth it?

10:16:17 PM

everytime i check my email, i'm disappointed he hasn't got in touch. even though i asked him not to.

i messed with his head, his heart, and i hate myself for it. but i'm still tempted, and i still wonder what he's doing.

04:13:49 PM

I'm almost 21, and.. I'm afraid of light. I'm afraid of shadows. I'm afraid of images I can't see. I'm afraid to stay. I'm afraid to run away. I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid of everything. But, you bring me home, & you don't even know it. I let you go..I've admitted I'm wrong. I've apologized, & you've forgiven me. I still feel like slitting my wrists, because I know you'll never really forgive me. What happened?

02:13:08 PM

I've been MySpace flirting with a guy five years older than me. Silly me hopes it will actually turn into something...considering he lives down the road.

12:50:12 AM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The reason my parents can't get along is me.
If I didn't exist, everything would be all right.
If I wasn't there, I didn't do stupid things, I actually thought about the consequences of my actions instead of doing them on an impulse, my parents would get along.
I'm the reason my dad's temper goes to the limits it goes, lashing out on my mom, who didn't do anything wrong.
It's all my fault.
I'm just a selfish, stupid idiot who doesn't deserve to live.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

06:20:27 PM

i think i like someone.

now what do i do?

02:38:21 PM

i think i like someone.

now what?

02:13:03 PM

How did people on here do on the ACT? I thought it was so much easier than teh SAT that I feel like everyone must have done considerably better on it.

12:42:29 AM

Friday, July 07, 2006

I wish that my little cousins liked me as much as they like my brother.

04:02:21 PM

well, i pushed away another friend.

and this time i barely even knew the person.

am i subconsciously trying to isolate myself from the world?

03:34:29 PM

One of my friends from middle school is pregnant...great. Now I feel even worse about our falling out.

But does it make me a horrible person for thinking "Thank god it wasn't me?"

10:34:58 AM

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Opinion question: Would it be better to have Honeycutt or Woolard for AP Physics C?

07:30:32 PM

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I want a Sid and Nancy romance. I want a fast, hard, dangerous, passionate Romeo and Juliet love affair.

And I have a strange feeling that it's on the way. I'm going to hold my breath.

11:28:45 PM

Courses are on SPAN

Let the What-Class-Are-You-In?! drama ensue.

05:55:17 PM

I hate my neediness, and the fact that I'm still not over a relationship that ended months ago. That I'm getting petty about things that shouldn't matter anymore. That I think of myself as this pathetic creature. That if I were a character in a fanfic, I would be TSTL.

What happened to the old me, the one that used to revel in being single? I want so desperately to go back to that.

02:49:10 AM

I knew I lost you when I said I needed time, space. I thought I could move on. Instead, here I am, crying in bed, wrapped in memories. You said we can still be friends. I don’t want friends. I want forever. What you wanted when I didn’t. And what you don’t now that I do.

01:49:21 AM

I dont know who I am. I wish I did, it would make everything so much easier. Someone please tell me something or give me a clue as to who I am.

12:06:05 AM

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

today when we were watching the fireworks in the park by my house, my dad turns to my mother and says (somewhat discreetly, in our home language) "Wow, she's pretty fat."

What am I supposed to say to that?
I finished setting up the chair and just looked at him and was like "uhh.. okay." and sort of rolled my eyes and pretended like it didn't bother me but it did, a lot.
I started crying silently.

If I feel fat, that's one thing. I can overcome that. But i can't stand the fact that my dad, the one person who is supposed to love me with all of my faults, thinks i'm a lardass.

Excuse me for not being a perfect fucking size 0 and doing everything else like i should. Have you looked at your middle-aged, sad ass lately?

Tonight my belief was reaffirmed:
My dad is not superman. He's just a jackass who pays the bills and occasionally does something nice.

11:37:15 PM

I just don't know anymore, what to feel, what to think, what to do.

10:44:57 PM

I'm not setting off fireworks. I'm not attending any parties. I'm not going to any barbeques. I'm not celebrating July 4th in any way.

And this wasn't by choice.
It's only times like these where my lack of life depresses me.

08:51:25 PM

"let me post some emo lyrics by some trashy third-rate band, only more-or-less in my own words, about the gaping void of my FREAKING MIDDLE CLASS HEART."

"I should have known that it would all come crashing down around me."

"summer is wearing me out..."

"Im having an ugly wonder i dont have a boyfriend"

"I feel it now you're the one I need I believe that I would cry just a little just to have you back now here with me"

"I will never be able to get married because I will never be compatible with other human beings."

"Attachments suck."

"im scared that i'll be left even more broken if you continue to be so hostile."

"it will be telling a lie if i say i dont love you."

"im feeling so empty and it feels like you dont care anymore."

"Don't think you can break these rules and get away with them. You have tried it before. It didn't work."

"im trying to pretend he doesn't exist, but it isn't going very well. i miss him."

I'm beginning to hate summer tangst because the posts remind me of my weaknesses, of the maudlin thoughts that rush through my head at night.

This is the permanent record of my depression.

05:57:56 PM

im trying to pretend he doesn't exist, but it isn't going very well.

i miss him.

03:13:28 PM

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Rules
(Dillon, these are "those rules." Thanks for reminding me why I have them.)

1. Don't get too emotionally involved.
2. Look out for people that you wouldn't be able to stand losing. Stay far away.
3. If a person asks a specific question, give a vague answer.
4. If someone asks a question about you, give an answer about them.
5. Secrets are meant to be kept.
6. What happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors. What happens in the open, stays in the open.
7. Stay far away from the girls that give you sweats, stomach aches, fluttering hearts, pounding heads, and associated symptoms. You will never recover properly.
8. When the songs start specifically applying to your life, change it. Fast.
9. Friends are only good until you really need them.
10. Make as many acquaintances as possible. They are almost like friends, but without the bad side effects. It's a pretty damn good tradeoff.
11. Don't tell people what is inside. Never tell people what is inside.
12. Don't think you can break these rules and get away with them. You have tried it before. It didn't work.
13. Add a rule here every time you get hurt, even though you're gonna break it next time.

01:49:16 AM

Sunday, July 02, 2006

He never ends with "I love you" anymore.

10:02:12 PM

Is it wrong that whenever I see the number 666, I feel excited and get really giddy?

08:00:28 PM

Army of Ghosts = Best. Cliffhanger. Ever.

Love Poem #4: Time Travel,
or Don’t Ask What Happened to Love Poem #3, or for that matter parts II and III of This Poem

One night
I made the summer skyline stop changing.

the mountains were like
ripples in fabric
soft & explosive
and I reached up
from the ground
with my free hand
and tied the moon to the pine trees,
and I unraveled the stars
and threaded them through
our hands
so we would have light wherever we went,
and I unwrapped
the black blanket of the sky
and draped it over our shoulders
so we would keep warm

And the vast green heavens
were exposed above us
and it felt like we were falling

so we held each other,
the starlight tangled among our fingers.

1:11:11 AM

im feeling so empty and it feels like you dont care anymore.

its nice to know that you were there
thanks for acting like you care

12:24:52 AM

Saturday, July 01, 2006

She's absolutely, unquestionably the most incredible person that I know to exist on this earth. Beatiful, intelligent, funny, down to earth. I'm completely and desperately in love with her. I owe her everything. She was the impetus for a complete rebirth of who I am, that began six months ago today. In the complete vacuum of my soul, she sparked something that had been dead inside of me for over a decade. It was her that pulled me out of a cycle of unceasing depression, gave me a reason to get up in the morning, one other than to simply wake up. She had a boyfriend, and that killed me. Now she doesn't have a boyfriend, and it kills me more, because "she just wants to be alone right now."

11:31:03 PM

I want to call you so bad and say "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to make you happy. Please say you forgive me. Please. Even if it is the last thing you ever say to me, let it be 'I forgive you.' Please, please forgive me."

I want to call you and say that. And I really want you to say that you forgive me. But I'm so worried it won't turn out right.

11:25:52 PM

I never went to prom partially because my family couldnt afford to pay for a tux and the ticket. But mostly because the girl I really wanted to go with said no.
Going to work on prom night was the worst feeling ever.

11:05:48 PM

Uh... if you're lying in bed with a girl is it weird to, very gently, begin singing a lullaby in her ear?
... Just wondering.

10:18:25 PM

Wow. It just occurred to me how few posts are on the main page, now. I guess Tangst just ain't what it used to be, although I suppose a lot of it is just that we are all enjoying our summers, and really have nothing to complain about.

I'll guess we'll see come the beginning of school, or maybe with the arrival of AP scores. Who knows?

I had the best sex of my life in a foreign country. Now I kind of miss him.

02:06:39 AM