Deprivation, In Three Parts (also titled, 10:31am)

I.
Restless / breaking / from lack of sleep
Dying / but from lack of You
Slowly, draining, tossing, turning
Nothing coming for the weary
Nothing, headed nowhere
Fast.
I am far gone - and
I am done.


II.
I have thoroughly given up on sleep tonight
today, this morning?
As I lay here, thoughts drift to you
Asleep, peacefully snoozing (snoring) across the ocean
exactly 5 hours and approximately
three thousand one hundred fourteen miles
(five thousand twelve kilometres)
away
I miss you terribly, awfully, completely
There is always the phantom feeling
of you at my back
bare skin, full body
Arm wrapped around my torso
ever protective, ever caring
Every shift mirroring the other's
Remolding to the nooks of our bodies
sticking together, gliding against
the largest organs
the most sensitive organs

I want to fall asleep to sound of your breathing

I want to wake up to your smile


III.
Every caress of the breeze through my window (the drapes)
lifting my hair, baring my neck
The air (the cold) a contrast to your breath (the warmth)
with which I am unfairly (surprisingly) familiar (intimate)
The wind (like your cane) cracks the cloth (like my ass)
making it taught (tense) before easing back (the next stroke?)
On and on the pattern drags, lulling (relaxing) me
into sub -consciousness (-space).


Anonymous
02:25:00 PM
5/04/2009

I miss math classes where I would get sheets of problems.

Now I get a single problem and fill sheets of paper.


Anonymous
12:18:00 AM
5/01/2009

When I was little and I couldn't sleep, my mom would rub my back while telling me the names of all the people who loved me. She would fill a whole hour like that sometimes, exhausting nuclear family members, then household pets, then distant cousins, then teachers and friends from school, and occasionally (but rarely) falling back on Jesus and God. I think sometimes I faked nightmares just so she would do that with me.

I'm twenty now, and I'm in college far away from home. I'm a big girl who does her own laundry and has a discount card for the local grocery store and always remembers to sort the recyclables. I know I need to learn to be an adult, but all I want right now is for my mom to sit on the side of my bed and rub my back and tell me the names of all the people who love me.


Anonymous
4/10/2009
12:33:00 AM

i just need my best friend back. too bad my counselor told me to shun him.


Anonymous
11/10/2008
01:45:00 AM

You'll never know how badly I wanted you that night. I'm glad nothing happened, and I'm glad I never sat down and explained it all to you. I'm glad you're happy now, and I'm glad...

I'm glad I didn't let you use me, because it would have hurt both of us more than you'll ever know.

You're still my best friend, and I miss you.


Anonymous
12:19:00 AM
9/09/2008

i'm glad i finally talked about how we don't talk anymore. i really missed you.

we stopped talking and well...it really affected me.

i mean you were my best friend.

and i guess i want you back in my life...

i think?


Anonymous
09:07:00 PM
4/30/2008

I called his phone just to hear his voice.

fuck I'm pathetic.


Anonymous
11/10/2007 06:44:00 PM

I miss seeing my sister every day. It's lonely at home without her. I find myself crying when I think about her because I miss her so much, but I can't bring myself to talk to her through any means because I feel too awkward and that I could burst into tears at any moment.

It's only the fifth week. What will it be like in the years to come?

Anonymous
09:46:00 PM

It's very odd not seeing her everyday. Her presence is very comforting even if I don't talk to her. Phone calls and email just can't replace that feeling.


Anonymous
9/10/2007 11:20:00 PM

this has been a very bad day,
My friends have denied me
I have failed myself, and my potential
My future looks quite dim when it was once bright.
All is for naught and I'm just a little person in a big cold world.


Anonymous
10:51:00 PM

I read all the articles about the Wakefield HS drinking scandal, just so that I can sigh at the end of the article because your name wasn't there.

I miss the days when we were best friends, and I miss the days when I heard from you.

I hope you haven't gotten stupid in high school. I don't ever want to read your name in one of those articles.


Anonymous
05:35:00 PM

In that dark room I lay on your chest and listened to our heartbeats together that one last time. Our breathing grew quickly together, too, together. From the shadows I watched the graceful arc of our dreams as they fell.

I was calling down those stars. In my blindness I thought I saw a way clear before me. From a distance I couldn't see the horrible flaming meteorite those falling stars would become.

The tears came down our cheeks in terrible agonizing slowness and as they fell I knew the mortar of our relationship was washed away, all our future was burnt out like a fragile ash, and blown away on the breath of the whispered word 'no.'

A hurricane of words, a maelstrom of thoughts, and a torrent of tears cannot wash away the solemn power of that word!

What sin! What regret! Is there no peace, no penance with which I could change that past? I would do anything, anything. Slay a dragon, walk on fire, swim a river, or die trying if it meant I could be with you again! I would bleed, I would die. I would and I mean it. I never thought I could fall in love so hard, so true, so brutal that it lay like an open wound before the world.

Oh how I HATE the world that let me be this way. How I Despise the God that made me so broken as to reject the only part of me worth anything.

Thsi final year, the applications, the work, the stress, the family that rejected me, the friends that left me, my last floundering attempts to get it under control were voiced in my small request for time.

TIME.

Not forever. Never forever.

But from that moment it was broken. I stand now at the mouth of the gaping abyss and am torn RAW by the openness and the nothingness and the meaninglessness of that forever without you.

Please.

Please come back to me. I'm sorry I ever left you and I'm sorry the stress and the goals and all the stupid frivolous things that don't matter kept me from realizing how important to me you were.

I needed that lesson. I did. I needed it because I would've never realized how dear you were to me before this. I would've never known how special or pure or beautiful and all those things I should've known the INSTANT I laid eyes on you.

Now I know, I know them and they settle in my stomache with a sickening finality.

Please. Please, oh please, I am so sorry.

Any way that I can help you, I will. Any aid you need, I'm there. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to lend, an ear to listen... My mind, my soul, my body belongs to you.

You won't accept it. You shouldn't. You should fidn someone who cantreat you the way you deserve from the very beginning...

...
But I want that person to be me.

The thin thread of hope is wrapped around me, cutting off my blood and air and thoughts and holding me in a tentative agony of uncertainty and a deep, deep fear of never.

Its cold, cold, so cold to be so alone, and the only thing warm is the way this heart burns for you.

Please...

Be happy. My selfish hopes have hurt you enough.

((but really, in my core, in the depths of my bones, I want you to be happy with me... to see you smile at me again... to feel your embrace...))

Give me the opportunity to prove myself to you or let me die trying....

My mind is forever caught in that hour of darkness, in that one moment I so long to change...

...

Please.


Anonymous
03:08:00 PM

I miss the sound of someone's voice on the phone as we fall asleep together.


Anonymous
12:39:00 AM

I just really miss Interlochen.

i miss you a lot sometimes (as a friend). i hate that you replaced me so easily and left me with no one. i hate that you ever felt the need to replace me at all. i'm still here. i was never mad. were you?

what happened to us?


Anonymous
10:41:00 PM

You're still the best I ever had. I wish you felt the same.


Anonymous
04:45:00 PM

I've made a horrible mistake.

I left him under the stress and the college app deadlines and the difficulty of trying to pass my math class and a million other things. I left him to find some room to breathe, to find what it was I really wanted

....and now I know what I wanted was him.


Anonymous
03:25:00 PM

This sucks. My rebound attempts aren't helping. Take me back, please. I miss you.


Anonymous
09:48:00 PM

Why am I so sad school is canceled?

Because my dad took MY car because its four-wheel drive and because I was going to drive you home. I washed with vanilla just for you.


Anonymous
07:50:12 AM

why doesnt you just pick up the phone and call me??!?!?!

I want to talk to you about nothing for hours. i want to hear your voice.

but you insist on using facebook messages for our way of communicating.

why is he so scared?


Anonymous
10:45:26 PM