For the past four years of my life I've been commited, stuck, and unhappy in a relationship. We've broken up for long periods of time within that 4 year span and each time we slowly crawl back and meet each other in the middle, its become routine really.. and once again we're in the act of crawling back, i just want to be happy again and i know this is not the way to achieve that but i feel like theres nothing else. I'm the sort of girl thats never satisfied being single. Someone please distract me from this routine, change my ways.. i manifest for the best.


Anonymous
03:02:00 PM
7/17/2009

A Lifetime Passed, Two Years Gone By...

In the last two years, I have passed through a lifetime of joy and pain. I have graduated from high school, defying all the odds. Been rejected by the college of my dreams only to be then not only accepted but given a full scholarship to said college. Been hired and fired and hired back. I have landed a job that seemed perfect, only to have it blow up in my face as a terrible misconception. I have been interrogated and arrested. Witnessed the justice system from viewpoint of both plaintiff and defendant. I have been heartbroken by women, only to find a love deeper and stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I have been shot at, lost my virginity and gotten blackout drunk for the first time in five years. I have traveled across the world, finding that all I really needed was a home. I have become a different person from what I imagined I would be. Realized dreams I never had and lost dreams I have held my whole life.

Just when I think that my life is going in a certain direction, something happens that forces me to reevaluate, rethink everything I did. I feel that I have done and seen more in the last two years than some will experience in their whole lives. But all I want is some certainty. I want to know that my life is going somewhere concrete.

I do not even know what to think anymore. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time.

Ive got a strange way of interacting with people. Sometimes I'm a socialite who is the focus of the room but then other times I get so nervous just being around other people I cant bring my self to be anything other than "that quiet kid". Its so odd cause the two people are polar opposites. I wonder what makes me change.


Anonymous
12:23:00 AM

I loved her. That is really all there is to it.

But it could never work. I know what I want, and I know what she wants. Twoo entirely seperate things. So I'm trying to move on. I'm looking away and trying to drift away. She knows it, I think. But now I'm afraid that, once again, my timing is terrible. I have a feeling that now, of all times, she is changing. And I fear that my pulling away is hurting her more than my unreturned love used to hurt me.

My dilema is that I've moved on, mostly. I can't reverse the effort that I have put in. It would kill me, literally.

I want her to know that I'm sorry. But I can't talk to her. I wouldn't know what to say, what to do. I guess I hope that she reads this post, and knows that I'm talking to her in the only way I can.

I'm gonna stop obsessing over you, stalking you, delighting in your every flaw and cursing every positive trait you have. I'm getting help from a psychologist soon. Nobody knows I'm so pathetically enslaved to comparing myself to you, trying to surpass you in every field, trying to prove to myself that I'm at least your equal if not your better--when I've never even met you face to face!--and hopefully, no one will ever know. I'm ashamed of this, it's ruining my life, and I'm gonna try to stop it.


Anonymous
10:06:00 PM

i can't do this anymore.
do you think i fucking asked for this?! is this the lifestyle that you think i dreamed of? no. but if i've learned anything, it's that dwelling on your problems just makes them worse, and all anyone can do is move on.


Anonymous
11:17:00 PM

i dont think its fair that you put "labels" on the posts here espcally anonymous ones. you dont know me. you dont know the whole story. you can judge me, but somehow deep down you know you'll always be wrong.

with love,


uncontented anonymous secret teller
01:37:00 AM

Its really weird to think that the people I've grown up with and my self are actually adults now. At least in the legal sense of the word. I mean Its really odd to tink that legally my friends could actully do porn.


Anonymous
12:14:44 AM

i feel like i need to choose between weak and strong.

and i don't think that one is better than the other. strong people build the things they love. weak people destroy them to see what's really there.


Anonymous
11:33:17 PM

i hate my life right now. it's so stagnant and boring and depressing. when does it get good? when can i hope for a change? i'm in love.


Anonymous
10:34:00 PM

people say that i'm a compassionate person... and i think i am. no... i know i am. i love with every part of my being and i'm willing to trust that there is good in people. but lately i just keep getting walked all over. i keep getting hurt and i'm not sure if i keep remain the person i am. i want to be able to love with every fiber of my being. but the relationships i have keep tearing me away from this person i used to be.


Anonymous
05:20:06 PM

A good way to find out what changes you should make in yourself, is to think of the one compliment that you wish people would say about you but know they probably never will.

For me it's "He's so amazing, he does everything." Someone said this about my Grandpa once, years ago, (he had a jazz band, cooked, played the stock market, owned a garden supply store, built cars from scratch, worked with nuclear scientists during WWII, and on and on) and I want more than anything for someone to say that about me. I'd better get started.


Anonymous
06:49:57 PM

It's gone from bad to worse. Used to be that I just secretly wished she might die, now I am feeling the stirrings of a distinct urge to kill her myself. Through any means neccessary.


Anonymous
11:36:46 PM