Monday, March 19, 2007

In that dark room I lay on your chest and listened to our heartbeats together that one last time. Our breathing grew quickly together, too, together. From the shadows I watched the graceful arc of our dreams as they fell.

I was calling down those stars. In my blindness I thought I saw a way clear before me. From a distance I couldn't see the horrible flaming meteorite those falling stars would become.

The tears came down our cheeks in terrible agonizing slowness and as they fell I knew the mortar of our relationship was washed away, all our future was burnt out like a fragile ash, and blown away on the breath of the whispered word 'no.'

A hurricane of words, a maelstrom of thoughts, and a torrent of tears cannot wash away the solemn power of that word!

What sin! What regret! Is there no peace, no penance with which I could change that past? I would do anything, anything. Slay a dragon, walk on fire, swim a river, or die trying if it meant I could be with you again! I would bleed, I would die. I would and I mean it. I never thought I could fall in love so hard, so true, so brutal that it lay like an open wound before the world.

Oh how I HATE the world that let me be this way. How I Despise the God that made me so broken as to reject the only part of me worth anything.

Thsi final year, the applications, the work, the stress, the family that rejected me, the friends that left me, my last floundering attempts to get it under control were voiced in my small request for time.


Not forever. Never forever.

But from that moment it was broken. I stand now at the mouth of the gaping abyss and am torn RAW by the openness and the nothingness and the meaninglessness of that forever without you.


Please come back to me. I'm sorry I ever left you and I'm sorry the stress and the goals and all the stupid frivolous things that don't matter kept me from realizing how important to me you were.

I needed that lesson. I did. I needed it because I would've never realized how dear you were to me before this. I would've never known how special or pure or beautiful and all those things I should've known the INSTANT I laid eyes on you.

Now I know, I know them and they settle in my stomache with a sickening finality.

Please. Please, oh please, I am so sorry.

Any way that I can help you, I will. Any aid you need, I'm there. A shoulder to lean on, a hand to lend, an ear to listen... My mind, my soul, my body belongs to you.

You won't accept it. You shouldn't. You should fidn someone who cantreat you the way you deserve from the very beginning...

But I want that person to be me.

The thin thread of hope is wrapped around me, cutting off my blood and air and thoughts and holding me in a tentative agony of uncertainty and a deep, deep fear of never.

Its cold, cold, so cold to be so alone, and the only thing warm is the way this heart burns for you.


Be happy. My selfish hopes have hurt you enough.

((but really, in my core, in the depths of my bones, I want you to be happy with me... to see you smile at me again... to feel your embrace...))

Give me the opportunity to prove myself to you or let me die trying....

My mind is forever caught in that hour of darkness, in that one moment I so long to change...



03:08:00 PM


Anonymous said...

absolutely beautiful

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

that was just way too long to read

Anonymous said...

That exact thing happened to me in January. He found someone new and I'm still lost without him. Since then, I've learned to appreciate everything. Finally after two months, things are looking up for us again. Beleive me, every passing day during those two months felt like weeks. I realize it hurts alot now, but you've learned more from the experience so far than you ever though you would. It's going to be hard for a while so I hope you have some good friends looking out for you. I wish you the very best. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones who gets their own fairy tale romance. As for the normal people ike myself, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, somebody forgot to take their anti-drama meds today.