A two part poem, I wrote this when I was feeling particularly exultant and arrogant, and it's an exercise in rigid rhyme and meter. If I were to title it, I would call it "Iambic Tetrameter, Bitches."
I.
O, through the pine-wall'd corridor
Where never man has walk'd before
(except for one last happy night
so long ago), and where no sight
of man is seen, or woman seen,
among the needles evergreen:
that is where we two now must go--
through silver barks and hostile snow
drifts (some are piled five foot high)--
until at last we touch the sky
and you and I become, as God!
The rulers of this earthly sod!
There in the holy sacrement
our days eternal shall be spent
and all shall fear our name.
II.
The sun burns high in firmament
An eternal stalwart testament
That sends each ray of light between
The cells of all the grasses green
Helios, omnipresent eye,
You make your route across the sky
And tell me that if I would dare
To look through daunting solar glare
That I could grip your solar flare
And take the rider's fiery chair
But where then would your horses go,
With master whom they do not know?
They’d snort and toss and roll their eyes--
For to me love or me despise--
Or perhaps all things would go well
And with my exultant heart would swell
To look from thence and see the ground
While flying the whole world around
And in my ears the mournful sound
Of glowing angels rustling gowns.
What changes wrought upon my stop,
Which would I find were made atop
The world, upon that golden seat?
Would people I met in the street
Back away from my transcendence
(Moses’ face, out of God’s tents)?
It would be trite and so mundane
To return back to earthly plane
and rendez-vous with shadow’s stain:
The sons of Seth, Abel and Cain
5 comments:
I know the meticulous wording required for an exercise such as this. However it turned out beautifully. I found it very interesting how you rhymed "God" with "sod" for multiple reasons but none of which are necessary for mention in this critique.
It was a good choice to directly address Helios rather than in refer to him in the third person the way you did with "the sun" and "the grasses green". Such a change in person (almost reverently so) bolstered the mood of the poem which for some reason feels like it spawns from the Florentine Renaissance. Perhaps the subject matter entwined in the structure.
Normally I despise the repetition of words because they highlight an author's lack of creativity, however, in the case of the two "solar"s such a lack is not present. Instead the repetition only intensifies the imagery. Brilliant. The second stanza is the best one in my opinion, both strong in imagery and smooth on the tongue.
But I fear that the transition into from the third stanza into the fourth needs to rise above its awkward phrasing- say the first couplet a few times and see what I mean.
The last four lines are simply majestic both in rhythm and matter. I feel that this is your best submitted work so far, sir.
Your ink reads well.
Well I felt this piece did stand up to your caveat in both arrogance and exultance. I thought it celebrated well the transcendence of man.
But, this meter doesn't particularly appeal to me either to read or to write. I think that rigidity in poetry is mostly unnecessary, for myself. However, I enjoyed reading your poem very much and it reminded me of the times when I've gone "where never man has walk'd before."
Very well indeed.
Mmm, thanks guys, poetry is pretty yum. I'd say that's my mood right now. Your comments made me blush.
Also, the phrasing is awk. in the fourth stanza mostly, the last two lines are the only two I want to keep from that one.
Also, Dr.A... nothing could live up to my arrogance :o
death and taxes could live up to it probably.
Death and taxes are -lame-
it's been proven.
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