a little rose petal for your bedside
Nocturne for a Soprano
It's not my heart I feel in my throat
Whenever you deign to glance
On a lost companion --
One of better days.
Instead I feel his liver
And bilious anger coursing through
When we have all found our way...
Will we yet remain lost too?
I, child, am in the proverbial candy shop.
Discouraged by my elders
From sampling the goods arrayed above
Stacked haphazardly on translucent shelves
They smell so sweet, perhaps just a taste...
But I am commanded to refrain.
Would the best man try this well?
Every childish misconception
May never be erased.
I spoke to Pan on the subject
He said that time is not given
By the alligator's clock.
But it is given by sweet needles
That thread us to our shadows.
Will I ever find a shadow?
Shall you dream about
What you will never be allowed to touch?
The choicest morsals
Are out of my reach - forever.
But sometimes our lives last longer.
Your judgement is not wanted
But still I understand.
Our roles are not so laid out,
That we can shift the duties around.
But sopoforics are recommended
Whenever I step lightly.
Whole lives concealed in a single wor(l)d.
You conceal them too.
The childish sadness descended
"He cries at the strangest things."
The thought of every day
Brings a bone-weariness
Exhaustion cannot be tamed -
It finally re-asserts itself,
The earth begins to slip.
But who can blame such a one
Weren't you ever hungry yourself?
11 comments:
This line provokes a Lokian smile: "Whole lives concealed in a single wor(l)d."
I believe the term is a "linegasm"
Your ink reads well.
Hmmm, I have a feeling this was inspired by a comment of a post close to this one.
hmm...
The tense confusion is a little much for me, you switch from first person, to third, to second, to singular, to plural. I'll need to read it a few more times before telling you what I think.
(aka, I'm criticizing other poems so people will criticize mine?)
really pchis, which one?
it might have been but i have forgotten, i think
mmm, okay, for serious. I really like a lot here, Reed. First of all, I hate the titles, both "rosepetal blah blah crap" and "nocturne blah blah blah" Actually, the second one is better-> soprano, childish, nocturne gives a good air, but I still don't like it. Anyhow, there are some kickass lines.
I find the first stanza okay.
"Would the best man try this well?" Mmmm, good line. Double meaning.
"May never be erased."
Mmm, good line for the same reason.
The thought of every day
Brings a bone-weariness
Man, you're good at that. "The thought of "every day brings a bone-weariness" or the thought of "every day" brings a bone-weariness.
That's what I like most about your poetry.
There's one word, I've stopped looking at the poem, but it's dumb and I don't know what it means, so take it out. It's not that great for sound, and like I said, I don't know what it means.
Hmm, try adding some more parallel structure. It's a little too linear for me.
first, some definitions are in order:
nocturne: A musical composition that has a romantic or dreamy character with nocturnal associations.
soporificism: made-up, but soporific is something which makes one sleepy
rose petal for your bedside: romantic image of rose petals sprinkled on the bed (that's a classic one, i think) and once again talking about the night and bed and dreaming
also: the candy store is talking about sex, basically, and rose petals on the bed usually lead to sex.
so all the parts that you hate tie together in the theme.
give me an example of parallel structure.
oh and of course, soprano means a female singer... and this is directed towards a female in specific and the race in general
Okay, I've been reading Leaves of Grass like, all day, and Whitman is the GOD of parallel structure, so I'll give you an example from him:
"I charge you forever reject those who would expound me, for I cannot expound myself,
I charge you that there be no theory or school founded out of me
I charge you to leave all free, as I have left all free.
After me, vista!"
Mm, he does this so much, after a while you start to think like this. He uses the exact same sentence structure to say different things with the same theme. Beautiful. That's not the best example, that's in his "The Sleepers" That -whole flipping poem- is parallel structure.
Also, I didn't get the candy shop as sex. Let me reread that.
I think the sex image isn't clear enough, you should be more blunt somewhere. Being blunt about it in one place will accentuate rather than trivialize your subtleties elsewhere, in my humble opinion.
Also, second stanza, you could make the first line hella stronger (haha, yeah I said it) by omitting "proverbial."
It would make that line more delicious once the extended metaphor is revealed by bluntless later, too.
So... everyone else that reads on Tangst, comment now.
Go.
I liked your poem...I really suck at LA and all wordy stuff like that but it was nice-I did get that the candyshop was about sex.
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