Sunday, January 29, 2006

Usually I write things like this in my journal that I love oh-so-much, but I have decided to share this maturing experience with you all (seeing how everyone here is of an understanding nature).

Catharsis. Literally, just what I went through. I had a talk with my dad and it enlightened me to many of my faults. Now, you must understand I usually never manage to subject myself to my father's scrutinization, because I generally like to keep my business to myself.

But I feel as if I have been thoroughly scrubbed, cleansed, turned inside out and upside down, and then given a list of things I suck at.

Lately I have been very stressed and severely disappointed in myself. I've been feeling oppressed, depressed, and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation. The first real relationship I've had in a long time sort of went down the drain, I somehow managed to suffer through my first half of the year with one B (which, in enloe terms, is insufferable). I have had a short-temper due to the tension built up around me, somehow managed to acquire this perfect perception of myself in my mind, and created a facade that no one could penetrate.

At that point in time I decided that I was living a resume life. My entire life could fit into one 60 kb document and it was the saddest realization I have ever had (which, believe me, are quite numerous).

In my anger and tension, I managed to push away many of my long-standing relationships with people and with someone who could've taken a vital part of my life. Him. But instead I ended up dumping all my crap on him at the end of everyday. And, in that way, I managed to push him away as well.

However, my dad said something I could actually agree with (shelving my pride and dignity, for once). With two words, you can ruin a relationship that took many years to build. And, unlike time spent smothering yourself in your own agony, it is hard to regain the trust someone has vested in you.

I have spent too much time concentrating on myself and what I want, I didn't even realize I was taking out my anger and frustration on the people closest to me. In essence, I became the one thing that I d: a cold-hearted bitch.

I owe everyone an apology. For being so immature, for thinking that looking successful on my resume would make me look successful in the eyes of the friends that I exiled, for hurting people, for hurting myself... I will no longer make false resolutions such as redeeming myself. But I can try. I have been floundering, I admit with all sincerity.

I thank my dad for taking the incentive to tell me this. I was lost, will be lost for some while to come, but I believe I have changed.

Never allow yourself get so caught up in being yourself... you may just let oppurtunities, friendships, emotions, your own humanity... slip by.


Anonymous
08:17:26 PM

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. That's pretty hardcore. I'll have to wait a bit for that all to sink in.

TintedFragipan said...

Nice.

Nice.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing all that

Anonymous said...

Maybe we never really had anything, but it gives me great joy to know that I still have your friendship. Just thought I'd let you know that I truly think that you're an amazing person, and that nothing will be able to hold you down, especially something as trivial as this. I wasn't joking when I said that I'd always be here for you, and it really doesn't matter what capacity I operate in. Always keep your head up, and always be the person you know you are.
<3

Anonymous said...

Deep.

Anonymous said...

This is a pretty hardcore entry. You're a really good writer.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I should talk to your dad sometime.

Anonymous said...

that is a very beautiful confession.

Applause.

Anonymous said...

Journaling is definitely a good stress reliever. Excellent post.

Anonymous said...

You haven't pushed away anyone. But just to let you know, your apology is accepted.

Anonymous said...

So what do you plan to do now?

Anonymous said...

wow.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful.

And enlightening.

Anonymous said...

"and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation" haha

Anonymous said...

beautiful.