Usually I write things like this in my journal that I love oh-so-much, but I have decided to share this maturing experience with you all (seeing how everyone here is of an understanding nature).

Catharsis. Literally, just what I went through. I had a talk with my dad and it enlightened me to many of my faults. Now, you must understand I usually never manage to subject myself to my father's scrutinization, because I generally like to keep my business to myself.

But I feel as if I have been thoroughly scrubbed, cleansed, turned inside out and upside down, and then given a list of things I suck at.

Lately I have been very stressed and severely disappointed in myself. I've been feeling oppressed, depressed, and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation. The first real relationship I've had in a long time sort of went down the drain, I somehow managed to suffer through my first half of the year with one B (which, in enloe terms, is insufferable). I have had a short-temper due to the tension built up around me, somehow managed to acquire this perfect perception of myself in my mind, and created a facade that no one could penetrate.

At that point in time I decided that I was living a resume life. My entire life could fit into one 60 kb document and it was the saddest realization I have ever had (which, believe me, are quite numerous).

In my anger and tension, I managed to push away many of my long-standing relationships with people and with someone who could've taken a vital part of my life. Him. But instead I ended up dumping all my crap on him at the end of everyday. And, in that way, I managed to push him away as well.

However, my dad said something I could actually agree with (shelving my pride and dignity, for once). With two words, you can ruin a relationship that took many years to build. And, unlike time spent smothering yourself in your own agony, it is hard to regain the trust someone has vested in you.

I have spent too much time concentrating on myself and what I want, I didn't even realize I was taking out my anger and frustration on the people closest to me. In essence, I became the one thing that I d: a cold-hearted bitch.

I owe everyone an apology. For being so immature, for thinking that looking successful on my resume would make me look successful in the eyes of the friends that I exiled, for hurting people, for hurting myself... I will no longer make false resolutions such as redeeming myself. But I can try. I have been floundering, I admit with all sincerity.

I thank my dad for taking the incentive to tell me this. I was lost, will be lost for some while to come, but I believe I have changed.

Never allow yourself get so caught up in being yourself... you may just let oppurtunities, friendships, emotions, your own humanity... slip by.


Anonymous
08:17:26 PM