I'm on academic probation, and I just to drop out. I spent eight hours studying for a test I got a fifty on. I failed a class because I slept through one of the exams. I have ALWAYS been a bad student. I have ALWAYS felt stupid at school. I have ALWAYS felt out of place around people. Eating meals in my room, avoiding answering my phone.
So many people I knew, so many of the people who came here when I was in highschool are so talented and beautiful in so many ways and I'm not like them. Being around people like them, sucesful people, happy people... it just reminds me of all the things I'm not.
I'm so scared of life outside of college. Panic attacks and all the important things I forget and being turned down when jobhunting all the time.
I have been at the edge of killing myself for so long because I'm just NOT fit to be here. I AM a burden and there's no guarantee at all of ever being able to hold myself up. and it HURTS. It hurts so damn bad every single day to be so incompetent and different. Not even different in an interesting or 'cool' way.
People would cry if I died... but people cry over people they don't even know. If I just move somewhere, lose contact, and never speak to them again, they'd never shed a tear.
So what's the difference?
I'll be twenty in a week, and this will be teenage angst no longer. Just the same stupidity there's always been. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm a coward and the things I feel so strongly never seem to amount to much, so I doubt these feelings will either, but it's true. I don't want to let those numbers roll over and face the person I've become. The way my life goes... I'm not living anyway.
Anonymous
10:09:00 PM
12/31/2008
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
i'm sixteen years old. i feel very lonely. i have a lot of friends but i feel like none of them share my vision of what is life. i want very close friends, i want to have meaningful discussions, i want to explore, i want to experience.
i want to be happy.
the reality i live in is so dissapointing. i'm afraid of what's coming up. it is so scary how no one really knows how i feel or who i am...
i am so confused about ... everything. i'm disturbed.
so hard to find the right words..
i do drugs, often alone, because i'm trying to escape from this existence. i'm trying to set my spirit and my body free.
im trying to get to know myself. i seek for authenticity.
why do most people have to make me feel so different...
Anonymous
07:31:00 PM
12/30/2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I know you were hitting on me all night but I ignored it.
I feel sorry for you, because I went through exactly the same thing after I broke up with my boyfriend--trying to find the next living, breathing human to fill that void.
Because things will not work out between us as a couple and I like you too much to let a two-week Christmas hookup come between our friendship.
So (I think) it's for your own good that I pushed your hand away and turned to kiss you on the cheek.
Please let this not be weird. You're the closest thing I have to a brother.
Anonymous
01:14:59 AM
12/28/2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
anyone on here ever transfer to a different college? I'm doing really well at my current school and have considered transferring to UNC-CH mostly due to cost but also because I may have a job lined up for me after I graduate. I was happy to be in a new setting at my current school because I was able to redefine myself. I guess my big question is if it was difficult transferring or if there is anything that I wouldn't expect that transfers have to put up with.
Anonymous
09:33:00 PM
12/25/2008
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!
--
It doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year, but the time is thusly upon us. The gifts are bought, decorations are hung about the house, and food has begun to be prepared.
I just don't really feel in the mood. I'm physically sick and mentally exhausted. I've been stressed and overworked. And to top it off, I'm growing distant from my family.
Basically, I'm getting old and crotchety, with no end in sight.
Scrooge
12:00:00 AM
12/25/2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I can't control how upset I get sometimes. I transferred from a school that made me incredibly depressed to a school where all of my friends are at. I live with two good friends, one of whom picks fights with me constantly (A definite source of anger). My grades are not as solid as they were last year, and the classes are harder, but that's what I wanted.. right? Mostly I feel bad because innocent bystanders (friends and family) get pulled into the vortex. I don't want to drag them down, and I hope they know that I don't mean to take it out on them. I love them. I'm a coward.
Anonymous
11:26:00 PM
12/24/2008
I ended high school with almost zero friends. I burned most of my bridges and I haven't looked back and I am currently the happiest I've ever been. My new friends actually care about me. My boyfriend loves me 100% and I've never experienced this close of a bond before. I had problems with drugs, yeah, and that's why most of my friends gave up on me and I've overcome. I know most of them don't read this and I know some of them still do and I don't even give a fuck if they know who they are or not. I'm happy. I'm fucking happy. I beat drugs and I beat the losers who gave up on me. Just sharing the love and I guess self-flagellating a little bit. Feels good.
Anonymous
12:12:00 AM
12/23/2008
Seriously. Learn to take care of yourself. Stand up by yourself, learn how to take care of yourself, learn to take emotional responsibility of yourself. I'm sick of wiping you off the floor when you make it so easy for you to end up there. Be proactive about finding solutions to your problems, don't just schlep yourself around in a funk. no one wants to be around that, no matter how much we love you.
Anonymous
11:56:00 PM
12/22/2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
I have never been attracted to another girl until now.
We smoke cigarettes together and weed whenever one of us has any. We've drank together. She's the only girl I've ever had sexual thoughts about. And god, I want her so badly sometimes. We get into deep conversations, revealing things we've never told to anyone else, sharing our fears and our dreams with each other. We connect on the deepest levels on the deepest subjects. And I might let all this go except sometimes I get the feeling that she feels some attraction towards me too. I think about wanting to kiss her when we have sleepovers together. I honestly would like to let this go, but I can't when she asks me to come sleep on the couch with her at sleepovers with our friends or when she tells me I look good and almost flirts with me in inconspicuous ways. It gets exhausting sometimes not acting on what I feel. I'd like to kiss her just once to see if there really is anything there.
Anonymous
05:09:00 PM
12/20/2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
This guy and I have been kind of "seeing" each other over the past few weeks and it's getting kind of official. I've been really wary of labeling "dating" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" though that's what it's growing closer and closer to. So he's an amazing guy and everything but yesterday he wanted me to meet his best friend. His best friend is way more attractive, has the exact same interests as me, has the same sense of humor as me and has a slight romantic interest in me. I know this sounds terrible, but his best friend is such a better match for me that he is and we flirted really hardcore yesterday.
Oh no! What do I do?
Anonymous
12:54:00 PM
12/19/2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Hooooooly shit.
1)I thought this was a place for people to come together, to trust strangers with their secrets, and not to be completely bashed about their lives.
2)Wasn't there some rule about not disclosing the identity of posters? Good job following your own rules, admins.
3)Spoiled fucking brats. We are super fortunate to live within the small percentage of the population that actually gets to go to college, and you have the nerve to think it's SAD to be going to Wake Tech? It's education! It's good education! Just because it doesn't cost your mommies and daddies 15000 a year to go doesn't make it any less of a good basic studies place.
4)So what if he lied? Have you guys never lied in your lifetime? If he was embarassed about not getting into UNC (which he shouldn't be) then cut him some fucking slack, let him say what he needs to to feel better.
You guys make me sick. We have enough bullshit going on in the world today and for you to come here and attack someone because of a lie? Get a fucking grip and look at yourselves. Nobody is perfect. Leave him alone. What little faith I had left in people is now gone because of you, tangsters. Thanks.
Anonymous
02:21:00 AM
12/18/2008
Someday I will fall for someone who isn't some kind of addict. Perhaps if I tell myself this enough it will come true, though at the moment it's hardly likely. The people I find myself attracted to all seem to have a criminal side, and consequently I seem to spend a lot of time wondering which one will die youngest. They're all liars and thieves and I miss them terribly.
Anonymous
10:37:00 PM
12/17/2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
In 9th grade I said I'd never give a guy a "blowjob" because it's such a gross and degrading thing to do, while my friends were like "well I might, depending on the circumstances."
I was dead set against EVER doing anything like that and surprise, surprise- I'm in 10th grade now and I'm the first out of my friends to give a guy head. and what eats me up the most is the fact I was completely pressured into it by my boyfriend. We were fooling around in his room and he had just fingered me and I asked him what I could do for him. I figured he'd want a handjob, but he wanted a blowjob. We'd been dating for a week. He'd fingered me twice. I hadn't even given him a handjob yet. I told him no at first. I told him he knew how I felt about this type of thing, but he persisted telling me "I'd do the same for you."
"It's the only thing that will make me happy. I masturbate everyday, a handjob won't do anything for me. I promise you." I just kept asking are you sure it wouldn't be different if I gave you a handjob instead of you doing it to yourself? "No, no. It won't do anything for me." and he just kept telling me this over and over and he made me believe him.- That a blowjob was the only way. That he would of course, without a doubt do the same thing for me. So I gave in. I did it. and afterwards when I went home and took a shower, I felt so dirty and horrible about myself. I felt raped of my innocence and my pride all at once, all by that simple action.
But more than anything I felt untrue to myself.
Regardless to say, he never ate me out. and we've broken up because he went off telling his buddies that he was getting laid every night and bragging about how he got a blowjob. I wish I had said no. I wish I hadn't given into him. I wish that I could have atleast done that to a guy I loved so passionately that I WANTED to do that to him, BECAUSE I felt so strongly for him.
Anonymous
12/13/2008
06:48:00 PM
Friday, December 12, 2008
As the Rich Get Poorer, Teenagers Feel the Crunch (NY Times)
There are some pretty priceless quotes in that article. It's so fucking surreal.
Anonymous
12/12/2008
01:36:00 PM
Monday, December 08, 2008
So this is quite a bit late, but still the source of some angst on my part.
I hate that admins/contributors on this site know who I am. I originally joined as a mysterious figure, and I enjoyed it. Sithgirl correctly weeded me out, but other than that I was just a faceless voice. At some point in a gathering of Tangst people I made the mistake of revealing myself to a few others. As one admin said at the time, "Knight_racer's posts were so much cooler before I knew who was writing them."
I wanted to say, "I claimed them because I'm proud of what I've done. Look at who I really am. I can't be real here, and now. But look at what I write, and look at what I think and feel. Know me for who I am, don't judge me for who I've become."
But I didn't. I should have remained anonymous, a faceless voice in a sea of anonymity. But I didn't.
So I say to all of you now. Congratulations. You on here have come to know me for me, not for who I pretend to be. And for all those who do know me, I beseech you to look back. Take a second look. Forget to judge, and read my words with fresh eyes and an open mind.
Not all is as it seems.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
I survived my first semester at college. I know no one else thinks that it's a big deal but to me it means everything. Internal celebration! I feel like I live a completely different life now that no one in high school can ever comprehend. I've learned so much that can't be taught in school and I'm so happy. I did it. I survived. Only seven semesters left and I'm looking forward to every one of them.
Anonymous
12/07/2008
06:20:00 PM
Friday, December 05, 2008
Damn.
I was just looking through some things on the site like "Tangst beginnings" and my own profile where I declare that I am a Junior at Enloe High..
I just want to say: "Tangst. Fuck yes." Because though we've worried you are going to roll over and die, or whatever, people still look at this site.
Has much else comparable in your life lasted since 2006? It's pretty awesome.
Dr. A
2:16:00 AM
12/5/2008 (!)
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I hate it when people flame others when posting anonymously. Really? Do you think you are on such moral high ground that you can attack me? Then have the balls to post your fucking name.
Anonymity gives you a feeling of power and it's sick that people would abuse that just to feel superior or get a rush.
Guess what? It doesn't make you sound cool. It makes you sound like an ASSHOLE!
Note: I'm not talking about the named contributors, just the jerks that hide behind "Anonymous" when responding.
12/03/2008
09:22:00 AM
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I'm hooking up with a boy who really, REALLY likes me. I already shot down the idea of a stable relationship once and it broke his heart but he continued to hook up with me. I don't know if I can do it again. I really like sleeping in his bed and giving him kisses and having lots of sex but he's just not what I'm looking for. How do I break it to him that I'm not interested in something exclusive?
Monday, December 01, 2008
Hilarious Orgasms Anyone?
Okay, I'm just wondering: has anyone else experienced a hilarious orgasm?
I'm not talking about an orgasm or situation in which you had one that was funny (although that would be a great post), I'm talking about an orgasm that gives you this insatiable need to burst out laughing. It's an orgasm that gives you a fit of the giggles.
There's nothing inherently funny about it, but you just can't stop yourself.
They've happened to me about three times (also only with a partner, never by myself) and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this oddity?
-PChis
12/1/2008
10:27 PM
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
it's difficult though.
It's been more than three years.
Time to give up the ghost, honestly.
dr. a
11/25/08
2:36 AM
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Excerpts from my new textbook: Information Theory and the Human Mind
"As information becomes more easily accessible, the value of being able to recall that information in response to a stimulus (such as definition of an obscure word) drops while the value of being able to recall that information in an generative context (such as trying to come up with the best word to phrase a sentence) holds steady. However, the value of knowing a particular piece of information in a generative context will easily rise or fall based upon its relation to the environment in which the individual is."
We don't need to wait for the future for the human brain to be hooked up to a computer; the Wikipedia Age has already started that process.
Anonymous
11/15/2008
03:16:00 PM
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
okay so I have some sexual questions for those of you who are a bit more experienced.
My boyfriend fingered me for the first time yesterday (it was my first time being fingered) and I went to change my underwear because they felt wet and I didn't expect to see blood on them, but there was a decent amount of blood on my underwear and I had my period just a week ago so what is it from? is it possible he popped my cherry by fingering me?
Anonymous
10/28/2008
10:29:00 AM
Friday, October 24, 2008
25 million dollars raised in support of Proposition 8? Sad.
I oppose it anyhow, but even if you don't - all of that money could be spent on something worthwhile. Darfur, hurricane victims, orphans in third-world countries, whatever. Any of those would be a better use of that much money than opposition of gay marriage.
Anonymous
10/23/2008
09:45:00 PM
So I'm finally home for Fall Break and I come back to see that all of my back-home friends have sunken really deep into the suburban "party" scene where all they do is drink and take pictures of themselves drinking to put on facebook. I mean, I trusted these kids to be fun when I came back and not remind me of the types of kids I'd regularly come across at school. I'm just so fucking disappointed in them all. I don't want to drink and get crunk for fall break, I want a real BREAK.
I guess I'm spending fall break alone this year. sigh. /tangst
Anonymous
10/09/2008
11:52:00 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
I'm amazed that my new relationship is going so well, knock on wood. I hadn't realized how dramaless and fun a relationship could be until now. The sex is so good I have to remind myself I'm not just dating him for his body, and I never get tired of him or run out of things to talk about. I'm really happy.
Guess this wasn't so Tangsty, but I wanted to share.
Anonymous
10/05/2008
12:13:00 PM
I've cheated on him, smoked weed against his wishes, smoke cigarettes and hookah and got plastered and I've done everything that I know he would hate me for..
But I've only ever loved him.
We broke up for good last night, and he says I'll never have him back, and I'm worried I'm going to start freaking out and panic like I did last time we broke up (it only lasted for 3 weeks before I couldn't take it any more.) Maybe it'll be different since I'm in college now, but it's weird not talking to him every day, no having someone to say I love you to. He's been in my life for four years, as a boyfriend for two, and I feel weird and empty without him. I love him so much but I want to do what I want to do without someone being there to mother me.
Anonymous
10/05/2008
11:50:00 AM
I've been so careful not to step too far, baby steps, taking it one day at a time, but I'm impatient, probably blew it all last night, laughed too loud, said too much, people noticed, maybe him.
And that could fuck me over, for so many reasons, because I'm not supposed to go there, and other people did see, and rumors spread fast, with people like this.
And I feel bad, not because of her telling her, and her hating me, and the dichotomy of chicks before dicks, and what is not allowed--
but because it may be over with him.
Anonymous
10/05/2008
09:22:00 AM
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I just found out that my parents smoke weed. I found their bowl while looking for toothpaste in their bathroom.
And I mean, it's not the worst thing ever. I kinda laughed when I realized what it was that I found, but seriously, it kinda sucks. Come on, mom and dad, I don't smoke weed. I've stayed away from illegal drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, partially for my own good but mostly for you guys. And then you go and do this? What the hell?
Maybe I'm just feeling like the biggest prude ever-- all my friends enjoy the responsible underage drink on occasion, I know plenty of people who smoke weed at school, but it always seemed at least sort of okay for me to have my fun in ways that weren't drug-induced. It didn't make me weird or a societal tool. But then, my parents, man! They're the biggest moral compass I have in my life, and I find out their needle isn't pointing the same way I'm walking. What the hell does that mean?
I'm probably making too big a deal of this. It's just... I'm disappointed in my parents. I thought they were different.
Anonymous
9/29/2008
10:57:00 PM
Monday, September 29, 2008
I've never been so turned on as when, today, he ran his palms over my breasts through my shirt and fingered me though my pants in the back room. He's married. He's 49. He hasn't even kissed me, yet...and I have a boyfriend.
I feel guilty, but, when I make out with my boyfriend (17) I feel absolutely nothing. Not even a spark.
'm not a bad person. I am not a cheater or a slut. I have only kissed two people in my whole life.
So I am plagued with the question...why?
Anonymous
11:55:00 PM
9/28/2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Ive been dating my girlfriend for a while. its getting pretty serious. she has a good guy friend that she hasn't seen in a while, but i think there is something there I think she might have feelings for him that she cant tell him so she is displacing it onto me. Every time she says i love you I feel like she is merely using me as a face but saying it to him in her mind.
Anonymous
02:47:00 PM
9/27/2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
So that girl who lives far away...
I like her.
Should I tell her?
It doesn't seem like it would do much but make lunch kinda awkward, if anything, as we eat lunch together every day.
angstangstangst.
whyyyy do you live so far away?
it's so tough to try to get over you. and waiting for college is lame.
i can't believe it's not sanskrit
06:21:00 PM
9/25/2008
we cuddled the entire night and he tried to kiss me but I stopped him. not because I didn't like him but because I don't want random hookups and I wanted to make sure we both had feelings for each other/be potentially dating before we did anything. if he doesn't like me...its fine, but I'd still value his friendship except for after that night... he barely talks to me and acts like an ass around me.
I dont know what to do now. bring it up? let it be and forget about even being friends with him? did I do something wrong or offend him in any way?
he's also my brother's hallmate/basically roommates because they both have singles. and I hangout with my brother all the time so I see him a lot and I'm tired of being treated like shit.
Anonymous
09:17:00 AM
9/25/2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
i didnt want to date till college...
but this girl seems almost perfect.
she lives too far away for it to work out now, though..
what to do...?
I can't believe it's not Sanskrit
10:17:00 PM
9/21/2008
we had a steamy tryst in the sauna.
nobody was looking.
my shirt was becoming quite moist, and she tackled me into the pool.
she heard the call for dinner
and said, "that sounds delicious."
delicious? really?
what do i do?
PS
just finished mrs unreasonable's crazy amount of journals.
post-journal sex, anyone?
Anonymous
10:07:00 PM
9/21/2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
this guy liked me and he certainly showed it. and i do too. i liked him too. then we reciprocated flirtations. until we hung out, and hooked up. but at school, he's not consistent with his feelings. at school he can sometimes be aloof and sometimes he'll pay attention. and sometimes he'll be affectionate. and then last weekend we hooked up again. but he's just still inconsistent with his feelings to me. i just don't what to do. he makes me so confused and i don't need this stress my junior year. i've got others things to worry about. i don't want just a friends with benefits/hook-up thing, i really really like him. he's absolutely amazing.
what should i do?
Anonymous
09:57:00 PM
9/16/2008
So I really, really, REALLY like this boy who lives in my dorm. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I feel like I know he doesn't. He'll spend days at a time hanging out with me and only me and he hugs me every time he sees me but after a few days we split up and don't call each other and I just asked him to hang out and he just said "No thanks"
Should I be freaking out y/n?
Anonymous
06:43:00 PM
9/14/2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
wow so Im in quite a situation, My girlfriend who is madly in love with me and I with her, believes that I have had sex with two girls before her, I told her this early in the relationship because she asked me and I was too nervous to tell her that I am in fact a virgin. Now our relationship has become much more serious and we are probably going to have sex pretty soon. The problem is this lie, she thinks I have experience because I made up a back story for the two girls and everything, Each piece was a white lie but together they have created a monster. Its not that big of a deal or it wouldn't be except that she is a virgin too. I want to tell her that she will be my first because I hate lying to her and the more she ask about my past the more I have to lie to keep up the previous lie that Im not a virgin. I know it will hurt her to find out that I lied to her and that is the last thing I want to do, But I hate lying to her as well. What should I do, If I tell her how should I?
Anonymous
01:01:00 AM
9/12/2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
You'll never know how badly I wanted you that night. I'm glad nothing happened, and I'm glad I never sat down and explained it all to you. I'm glad you're happy now, and I'm glad...
I'm glad I didn't let you use me, because it would have hurt both of us more than you'll ever know.
You're still my best friend, and I miss you.
Anonymous
12:19:00 AM
9/09/2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
okay so I'm definently straight. I know that for sure, but I find myself attracted to a close friend of mine for some reason.
she's really athletic and she's a low maintence, tomboy type girl. she never wears makeup but she's pretty without it because she has good skin and idk what else to say. I think she's hot and actually WANT her sometimes. like I actually want to kiss her and be close to her and like makeout with her. all the lesbians/bisexual girls and alot of guys think she's hot, but she's straight(atleast that's what she says). it's just so weird because i'm usually never attracted to girls, but god it's insane how I want her sometimes.
Anonymous
04:59:00 PM
9/06/2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
This election isn't about the first African American to become president. This election wasn't about the first woman to become president either. This election is about defending our country from the encroachment of our most basic dignities and it is about the preservation and renewal of our stature in the world. Fellow citizens, you shouldn't vote for Obama just because you want a African American president and you shouldn't have voted for hillary just because you wanted a Female president; you should have picked a candidate based on your love for your country, your love for your freedoms and your love for your right to a lovable future. Hillary supporters switching to McCain will not give us a better future. "Punishing" the Democratic party for "sexist treatment" is not what the country needs nor is what this election is about. This election is historic, just like every other, but this election is first and foremost about this country, not about an African American or a woman.
Anonymous
03:44:00 PM
8/30/2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I hate college I hated it freshmen year, I hate it now. I feel so depressed every time I'm here. I feel like everyone else is having a blast and I'm just left out. Whenever I'm alone a feeling of terrible loneliness overtakes me. I don't get it at home just when I'm in the dorms. I meet people but then I never see them again. Why does it seem like everyone else is so much more at home and happier than I am?
Anonymous
11:24:00 PM
8/23/2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I've never gotten high before but I've been wanting to try it for awhile now. so Friday night at this party I'm going to, I know a couple of guys who will be bringing weed and I'm gonna smoke some. i'm a little nervous though because idk if I'll freak out and start seeing shit or if I'll be laid back and chill and just be able ot relax.
Anonymous
02:09:00 PM
8/20/2008
Have you ever liked someone so badly that it hurts just to sit beside them? I can't even explain how badly I want to be with him. He lives on the floor above me in the dorm and he calls me all the time and there are times when I'm absolutely sure he likes me but others when I'm not so sure. It's driving me insane. Blarrrrg.
Anonymous
10:47:00 AM
8/20/2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
I know this might not be the best question to ask, but I would love to know-
Does anyone know of some good porn sites?
All I get are sites that either spam my computer with crap or sites that want me to sign up or register or something like that and I can't.
I'm a teenage girl looking for some porn. help me out.
Anonymous
11:35:00 AM
8/18/2008
I have THE BIGGEST crush on the boy that lives across the hall from me. Oh my god. We like all the same music, he's SOOO sweet and we partied together last night. This year is going to be so amazing.
I'm just worried about the whole "don't date someone who lives right next to you" thing.
Anonymous
02:20:00 PM
8/16/2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
What is it with me and her exes? First #4 and now him.
Well, I've been ... 'interested' in him for... years? a year?
And #4 was just a convenience. He knows it.
Why do I have sex with these people? Well, I guess in his case, 'would'. Not that he would have sex with me, because of the age difference.
But still.
Is it really all hormones? I'm just that weak willed? None of them are...
Is that it? Do I desire to be like them? Secretly hope that some of their inner-strength will rub off on me?
Maybe it's practice. Do I hope to become more experienced -- more skilled -- via these men?
ugh. Why does sex have to be philosophical?
Anonymous
12:35:00 PM
8/16/2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I'm so in love with a girl. I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying something, but she's the reason I can't look at anyone else. No one in the world compares to her.
We've fooled around a bit, but that was just innocent experimentation by two friends, right? At least, I'm sure she feels that way. Maybe.
Girl on girl love. Too confusing.
Anonymous
07:42:00 PM
8/14/2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
That night was amazing. For once, I wasn't in charge. I didn't have to call the shots or make the moves. I just had to say yes. It was the greatest any man had ever made me feel.
but he doesn't remember. He knows it happened, and he hates me for it.
but he doesn't remember.
I don't know if I should be angry or cry.
I want to talk it out with him... that's my usual approach to 'issues'...
but everything's telling me that's the wrong idea.
I wish I could just sleep it off, but my dreams recreate him.
God. Damn. It.
I'm not like this. I don't mourn over the past; I move on. Why the fuck do I care? We have ONE mutual friend, and she knows I don't deserve his hate. It doesn't fucking matter what he thinks of me. We may never see each other again.
God. Fucking. Damnit. This is why I don't do emotions.
Fuck you, irony.
Anonymous
12:39:00 AM
8/12/2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
I got TOTALLY fucking smashed last night.
I made a horrible first impression on an attractive senior guy I was hanging out with for the 1st time.
He just bought a new white mustang and I barfed in it 3 times.
I barfed on HIM and my bestfriend several times. I got drunk really quickly because I was drinking scotch whisky straight from the bottle. I have no god damn clue what I was
thinking!
He and my bestfriend had to change their shirts multiple times and the guy held me up in the shower while my bestfriend washed puke out of my hair. They had to actually call a 3rd person to help them; another guy I'm sure I made an impact on that night.
I remember absolutely nothing about last night except for laying on some grass and someone pouring cold water on my face, the senior holding me up in the shower, and my bff trying to get me to pee, but then I started throwing up so she put the trash can in my lap, meanwhile both guys were standing in the doorway of the bathroom-watching.
I'm also told I asked the senior if he had a big dick and then continued to ask him to stick his dick inside of me. lovely. yes I know.
-first time I've ever gotten trashed and I wouldn't change it for the world.=]
NO REGRETS. EVER.
p.s. I'm still having the hangover right now.
Anonymous
10:11:00 PM
8/11/2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I've been horny for a few weeks now and I decided to give masturbating a try.
I've tried at least 10 times now and I still haven't had an orgasm. I've read up to see what objects I might use and tried a few(pen,pencil,hairbrush,etc.)
And I'm getting pretty frustrated at this point. any suggestions or ideas? anyone?
Anonymous
01:24:00 PM
8/10/2008
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Fuck. I like a guy who likes my friend and I dont know what she thinks about it. some other girl likes him too and he knows. he confides in me,we're pretty good friends even though we have different circle of friends.....im loosing sleep because of him
uuuh...I dont wanna tell him though since it might freak him out and I might loose him as a friend. my god, is there anything I CAN do?
Anonymous
07:45:00 PM
8/07/2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I smoke weed every once in a while. Not nearly every day or even every week. When I feel like I want some I buy some, maybe once every two or three weeks if even. One of my friends completely freaked out on me because of it and started citing health problems and how I'm going to fail out of college because of my "habit." This post is dedicated to all of you overprotective and wayyy too sheltered friends out there: fuck off. I'm not going to fail, I'm not going to die, and I'm not going to go crazy. It's just weed. If you don't want to be around me when I smoke it I completely understand 100% but that doesn't change the person I am when I'm sober so shut the fuck up.
Anonymous
08:13:00 PM
7/28/2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
if you just completed your first year of college and your a guy can you date a girl who is just coming into college?
If two people go on a date that might or might not be a date should they guy still pay, should a guy usually pay?
If a girl has got a crush on another guy but seems interested in you how could you tell if shes just friendly or if there is more?
I feel embarrassed just asking these questions but They are occupying the back of my mind and stuck in my head like sand in a oyster. Ive come across most of the questions/ situations before but this time it just feels different, its something I really don't want to mess up.
Anonymous
05:41:00 PM
7/23/2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
wow its been forever since i've been here. just reading up, and here's a recap.
hair: i got really hairy nipples. dark ones. i pluck, but its probably ab 15/nip. and i gotta pluck the happy trail. also gotta shave my legs every other day. yup, that hairy for a girl.
sex: i was gonna save myself for marrage, but then i dated a guy for a while who loved me and we did it. he loved me but i pretended i loved him. never did. never will, and i dont even feel bad ab it, though ive been broken so many times. he still loves me. i've moved on and i'm dating guy. feel like i totally wasted the sex.
at least it was fun.
porn: i swear i'm the only girl who ever watched porn. i was addicted for a while. i've only been clean for 2 weeks and thats pretty darn good for me.
work: my job is one of those good experience jobs, but it sucks. i hate all the stupid office work. sometimes i pass off work to the guys who are older bc they're gentlemen and take it.
thats good for now.
Anonymous
6/30/2008
11:59:00 PM
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Food for worms
Begin emotion defragmentation subroutine
0%...
Corpse
Definition: A Body without a Soul.
Ghost
Definition: A Soul without a Body.
We need both, in short.
10%... Make my day
You do it without trying
I am sensitive to your words
Your touch
Your breath.
Breath
Definition: It keeps you alive. See also: love
20%... Feel something
This is not a suggestion.
Every day I remind myself
Every time you miss something
An angel gets its wings.
Love
Definition: This will wreck your world. See also: Hate, Lust, Fate, Trust, Fake, Dust.
30%... God
Talk to him
He will not listen
Talk to yourself
You will not listen either
35%... (No one is coming to your rescue.)
Faith
Definition: Insanity, pretty packaging. Used in a sentence: My faith is of the slave’s towards the slave master. I know when he will beat me. I know what he wants from me. I know how he feels about me. I trust that he will remain inconsistent, brutish, short-tempered, violent. I trust that He will remain inconsistent, brutish, short-tempered, wrathful.
Ire
Definition: You’ll know it when you feel it.
40%... Despair
Welcome.
Please try to keep your feet clean.
The mat of human emotion. Wipe them down.
When you focus on one thing you might not succumb.
50%... Alone
I am never alone.
Eyes watch me through crevices.
Cracked blinds and huge bay windows.
Standing outside and waiting for me to join them.
I watch myself and feel the eyes from the future.
When I look back on my actions what will I see?
A story: When I was younger I would sit in my room and feel someone watching me from the ceiling. I have come back to that memory countless times from the viewpoint of the watcher. I am the watcher.
Attention
Definition: If you pay too much you might go broke. If you go broke you might do something crazy. Pay attention to that too. See also: Despair.
60%... Art
Make it when you feel it bubbling out of you.
I look in the mirror and see it spilling out of me.
I can feel it in the hands that clutch at me. See also: Corpse.
Don’t wait too long: the willow bends but the oak breaks under the strain.
70%... Love, redux
Every time I hear love described as a hurricane,
I can feel it welling up in me.
The violent eye wall tearing out of me something necessary to survival. See also: Ghost
Love
Definition: You need this more than anything. See also: Money, Pain, Loss, Gain, Blood, Stain.
Definition: “A hundred miles of pounding rain.”
Definition:
80%... History
Don’t let it define your future.
We aren’t trapped in a glass box called Earth.
We aren’t polluting your water.
We aren’t stuck in these bodies.
We aren’t lost and searching.
We aren’t breaking down now.
Error: stop.
It sucks.
Solution 1: Deal with it. Find a way to make your future bright.
See also: Ghost (A Soul without a Body.)
Solution 2: Let it consume you. The devil is hungry.
See also: Corpse (A Body without a Soul.)
90%... Emotion
Defragmentation almost complete.
Commence Erasure.
Let’s not be sentimental.
What did it ever do for you?
That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? That’s reality.
Look at the most beautiful girl in the world.
Vapid and vacant: eyes like a cow facing the hammer.
Watch out for the pitfalls. See also: Faith, God, Love, Summer, History, Happiness, Despair.
100%... Healthy
You will feel better.
We have precisely tuned you.
We have stripped away what makes you incomplete.
Now, shattered and broken, we urge you: “Go forth into the world… something about Jesus.”
See also: Love, Faith, Despair, Corpse, 3 Days, Breath
Moreover, you will love freely.
Zeros, zeros are nothing.
10%
100%
1000% better. More effective at the things you need the most.
Talk, you zombie. Feel, you ghast. The best feeling in the world cannot match this. See also: Pressed, Against, The, One, You, Love
Love
Definition: Worth it every time. See also: Pain, Discomfort, Awkward, Final, Despair, Faith.
Definition: Not possible. See also: Pain, Discomfort, Awkward, Final, Despair, Lonely.
Nothing changes unless you change it.
Corpse
Definition: A Body without a Soul.
Definition: I want to find you.
Ghost
Definition: A Soul without a Body.
Definition: I know you’re out there.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I'm a guy and I hate the smell of pussies. I think that they are disgusting and awful and I hate putting my mouth near one. I have no problems with just my hand. On the other hand I enjoy "getting some" myself so I always return the favor, even though it means I have to endure the stink.
anonymous
05:51:00 PM
i've recently found out that i am a completely shallow, superficial jerk who has unachieveable high standards for guys. i want perfect. i know if i wasn't, than i would've said yes. and i wouldn't have said no so quickly. i probably at least would've considered possibly saying yes to him. yes you. i'm sorry okay? it's just i'm shallow and i've always aimed for perfect finding flaws in everyone, even myself. i know it doesn't help but, it's not you, it me.
anonymous
12:29:00 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My boyfriend was there, and the three of us were walking to our cars and you decided to ride with me. It was dark, and the sky was perfectly clear and the air was just right. I rolled my window down and then you put yours down, and I loved that you preferred fresh air too. You talked about your girlfriend and I talked about my boyfriend, but my feelings for you still didn't change. I've loved you for 4 years, and I still do, and I guess I kind of want to know if you have ever felt it back. I thought you might after that night when it was about 20 degrees outside... you'll know what I'm talking about. If you think you know who this is, and if you've felt the same way, please comment and say so. I really need to know.
Anonymous
03:04:00 PM
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Being voted the Prom Queen is not so great when at the after prom party you discover that the only man you've ever truly loved is in the hands of another woman. I feel like kicking something, but now I have to go to school and face all the people at my school whom I feel the need to get away from.
Anonymous
08:41:00 AM
5/05/2008
Why people say Rule 34 is true? It's not. Not smart enough to get a 3 on the physics AP so stuck here doing physics (V/I)(F*D) ,(Ohm-work), and It'd be great if I could find some inclined plane porn, or some pulley and axle bondage sites, maybe some circular motion bukkake. It doesn't even matter if the girls be ugzzzors, just as long as they not have too much rotational inertia.
Anonymous
08:39:00 AM
5/05/2008
Why are my female friends taking over my life? I just broke up with my girlfriend and now they are taking it upon themselves to let her know how much they hate her. I don't want to hurt her anymore and I don't want them to be involved in it. I know they are doing it because they care about me but where is the line drawn between supporting me and hurting her?
morethanjustajock
06:41:00 PM
5/04/2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
This is not OK. I am being stressed and worked to my breaking point. Why the fuck wasn't I informed things would be this hard before I accepted the offer of admission. People say its good to be challenged to your limits, that it makes you grow. Fuck that, having to work regularly work 12+ hours on 1 HW assignment is just ridiculous.
Anonymous
08:21:00 AM
5/03/2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
This rant is pretty pointless in its self to the reader and only really serves any purpose to me, the writer. As such I would recommend that you do not waste your time reading.
My roommate is a pain in my side. A real thorn in the heel of my foot. He the kind of "friend" that creates endless drama that must be sorted through. The kind of person you want to slap with a baseball bat and tell them to shut up before you do it again.
The kind of person who takes every piece of advice and turns it into criticism. Telling him this will only incite further drama and pull me further into this predicament.
I learned a while ago that grudges are pointless. The petty clasping of conflicts only to resurface them during a civil conversation is ridiculous and unnecessary. This is not something he knows.
Anger and frustration is pointless something must be done , I say. But what. Discussion has been tried, but it failed , grinning through it will not suffice, I would prefer not to burn bridges but perhaps I will have to.
Can what was once a friendship be salvaged? Perhaps If i can get my roommate to let go of petty conflicts its possible, if not then I will go the way of so many others that he has come in contact with, stray outside my normal bounds and seek swift and furious vengeance, destroy his life and leave him to sit and think in the rubble.
oh how sweet that would be, yet my logic tells me that it is not the best path for either of us. I will search the safari of human relationships for a solution and if one cannot be found I will slash and burn that jungle and build a parking lot on top.
Anonymous
01:05:00 AM
5/01/2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
After coming clean to myself and then to my close friends and admitting that I am bisexual, I was finally able to achieve the big O! I'm happy, I'm comfortable, and it's ridiculous that I had to worry just as much about my gay friends' reactions as my straight ones. I have a legitimate sexual orientation, and it feels good to just go ahead and open up. REAL good.
Anonymous
02:53:00 AM
4/30/2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Everything I've done in my life has been to please my parents, and they're never satisfied. Just once I wish they'd be proud of me, but they always treat me like shit. I don't even get a "good job" when I did something well. They never seem to appreciate or acknowledge how much I try. All my life I haven't done anything for me. And yet I can't stop trying to please them. I just wish, for once, I'd get a "good job" or "I'm proud of you".
Anonymous
06:15:00 PM
4/27/2008
Can mouthwash prevent an orally transmitted disease? I was at a party and was dancing with this girl when she just kissed me. I hate her for it, it was my first kiss, and it was complete shit. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to kiss her, but I felt like moving my head away would have been rude. I didn't want to swallow but I could only hold the spit in my mouth for so long. I only swallowed once, but as soon as I got back I mouthwashed with listerine. Should I be okay?
Anonymous
04:40:00 AM
4/27/2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I had sex with him last night. We're both one another's second partners. Seconds are a lot scarier than firsts. I'm actually still freaked out, but I care about him so I don't want him to know. Funny how your writing quality goes down the drain when you're quietly freaking out.
Anonymous
4/24/2008
09:35:00 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
You know, it was much easier to deal with the fact that I'm attracted to you when you were off-limits. But now that you are single, I find it almost hard to be around you. Should I listen to reason, which tells me I'm leaving next semester and I don't want a long-distance relationship anyway? Or my hormones that tell me that doesn't matter?
But you don't know
Because I am afraid to tell you.
Anonymous
03:12:00 PM
4/23/2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/crime/
bal-te.md.rape17apr17,0,5827288,full.story
"The victim testified in Montgomery County court that she agreed to sex 'as long as he stops when I tell him to.' As he began, she told him to stop because he was hurting her, but he kept going for five or 10 seconds, she said...[he] denied any wrongdoing but was convicted of first-degree rape and other crimes and sentenced to 15 years in prison, with all but five suspended."
Holy shit.
Anonymous
11:00:00 AM
4/18/2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
When I close my eyes,
When reality fades,
When the world falls away,
When I'm alone with my mind,
When all I hear is the music in my ears,
I have found heaven;
a haven of individuality,
a place of secret counsel,
a world free from pain,
an existence free from shame.
I have found heaven on Earth.
Anonymous
08:30:00 PM
4/14/2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I think that if college is truly the best time of your life I must be wasting it. College isn't as fun as so many people say, perhaps im just not happy in my current situation but does anyone else in college feel that if this is the best time in your life then your life's gonna be pretty crappy? maybe its just me. I'm just bored as hell with college right now, I find that im wondering if im missing something or if my expectations were too high or is college like this every where. maybe I need to change colleges cause not much here suits me. maybe it will improve next year or by the time I am in junior year but What if it doesnt then I will have wasted the best time in my life waiting for it to improve. If I leave and its the same then I will wasted my time and effort switching to another school. Its a question I find my self wondering every time im bored. I mean when I envisioned my self going to college I never though about wasting my time watching tv or trying to find a way to while away the hours I though of being busy learning and growing. my spelling and grammar is probably off but i just wanted to write it down and i don't feel like checking it.
Anonymous
11:05:00 PM
4/10/2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Pshhh
For God's sake, I am so tired of this shit. Does anyone among you, our silent public, go out and do what you want? In practice, the whole polite society thing is just really not working out. First you have your dreams and as a kid you chase them and hope that you actually catch them. Then you grow up a little and you realize that it doesn't always work that way, that most of the time the dreams will elude you. But you have dreams, and there's still a distinct part of you that wants those dreams to come true. But then you grow up more and you chase fewer still and it becomes all about playing the game and if you want to get along you have to go along. And I'm fuckin tired of getting along. And of not having dreams anymore. Why aren't we doing anything about anything? Am I alone in this... do you people go out and do what you want? I don't mean save the whales and the world and the rain forest... I just mean go get the waffle instead of your eggs.
For myself, I don't have any dreams left. I don't want to do anything, be anyone, be with anyone, write anything, and I certainly don't want to want anything at all. I'm ready for sleep, sex, magic cards and smash brothers. (- sex, that's one of those dream aims) Fuck. Life... God damn.
O Brave New World: Confessions of a Madman
Let me preface this by saying my return is not to indulge a prior..poetic..reputation that used to appear on this black background a long time ago, but because of the very principles of this site: to say that which must be said. I will lapse into eloquence and blunt speech as my exhausted mind wills, and I may not entirely make sense. But I am now paying the price for quite literally keeping my thoughts and emotions exclusively to myself (and perhaps one not-so-subtle Dr. in our midst). This is not some experimental poetry, or a series of witty abstract narratives, or a series of lyrical lines (some mine, some not) that have looped their ways around my head. This is perhaps the most dangerous essay I will have ever written; because this is the most honest essay I will have ever written. I will be cryptic and frantic and incoherent and inconsolable and maybe I will gain something from it, or maybe you will gain something from it. I'm not sure how long this rant/stream-of-consciousness/mental rollercoaster clusterfuck will go on. I am not drunk. I am not under the influence of some experimental drug. I am merely insane with so much to say....
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years.
I am spilling. No, no no no that's not strong enough, thats not violent enough, I'm not spilling I'm breaking/cracklingSTATIC there is somethingSOMETHING arching down my limbs like some adrenaline-lightning. something that sparks that burns that looks like veins against an X-ray but couldnt possibly be veins. veins are too conventional, too Flesh & Blood human. and god(God?)DAMN it would be too easy to be Flesh & Blood human. BUt no no no no no no n oashasoghasjhgasgd we had to be the STATIC kind the kind that splinters and ConTOrTs itself into mental gymnastics reserved for the electrocuted and most cruelly tortured. I was fixed
I was fixed I was FIXED/Cured/Baptised in the waters of the well
Rewired.
I was rewired. I must remain rewired. Seneca----->> "A Liar MUST be good at remembering". He as wise as he was old as he is dead. I am a liar. There are rules. How many people am I???? Every class I am anew like some twisted phoenix. I am music I am military I am poet I am shy I am the extroverted hurricane I am sweet I am a 10lbs of douche in a 2lbs bag I am Government I am INDIE I am quietly conceited I am the Director and the Customer and the Customer is always Right. The Process: I shake your hand I get your name I map your personality I use you. But I'm good. Oh I'm very good. But I would change for you (<--but that's a lie! I am efficient I am resolute I am safe.---)--> I am too safe I am undone.
"Oh stop being so safe." That's the bitch about text messages right? The tone. The tone is gone. How did you say it? Was it teasing, with a grin on your face? Was it apathetic, with frustration down your neck? Was it said in a commanding whisper- like some relentless last words? I will never know. Was it then or the night before I was too safe? The night where some God or Fate or FairyFuckFest made the sky glow. And not that retarded Chernobyll/Disney fake alien glow. It was as if someone spilled all the celestial glitter from their galactic Arts & Crafts table...all over the horizon. It was cold that night. So we (strangers) cuddled (what a stupid word....I hate that word it completely de-values a beautiful situation into something childish) We shared warmth and words because it was cold and quiet. But of course it was cold, its always fucking cold when youre with the one you love (a crucified word if one was ever written). Because what? The Sun has 7 other mistresses. Earth is just another bitch in the flock. I wasnt mad, I'd be bitter too, and at least now that I'm lonely it's a nice 63F outside. The Sun cheats. I am too safe. The Sun cheats.
When I was 5 years old I had just seen The Little Mermaid for the first time, and even though I was by no means a mermaid princess, I, a child who had his assumptions that Disney knew the proper channels when it came to love, went into Mrs. Cardwell’s yard and started to play “She loves me/ She loves me not” with her new flowers. shelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotSheLovesMe- and then I came to the last petal. What do you do when you come to the last petal? You cheat. We all cheat. And doesn’t that say something to the character of man? To the character of love? We were wired to want and to be found wanting of love.
You shook in your sleep. I saw it. The painting of the irises on the wall in all their pink and purple viscera saw it. The ceiling fan that spun like Nautilus skin saw it. We all saw it. Ive done it myself even, that sickening twitch of the spine, but no one has said I have done it sleeping. But I saw it move you. Our legs were overlapped (perfectly in place) like Lincoln Logs, and for that terrifying second it looked like you let the devil win. Your spine straightened and curled twisted, forcing your hand from mine. Then you rolled over and said with a slyness reserved for the sleepridden “sometimes I move in my sleep”. You didn’t move, you shook and the whole room saw it. I held you again and you went back to whatever dreamscape-hell you came from. It felt like every 30 minutes or so you would just shake, like your body couldn’t hold you anymore / talked to God/ met the dead/ remembered how far humanity has come and how far it has to go. And now I have them, those demons and they criss and cross and pirouette up my right arm to the numb part of my face and they show me the writing ont hewall I shouldveseenthewritingonthewalland for the past12orTHIRteenMOnthsYouhaventONCElookedatme*(withLoudNEss)inyourEyes.andIndarknessALightShinesAndthatLightIsGodahsfdkhfskhdkghdkbv57h32wbs6ejd
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years. How am I going to deal with 75.15
MAYALLTHELIGHTENINGINYOURGRINBEGINTOSTEERYOUHOMEAGAIN/ASLIFE:WHATONCEEMBOLDENEDBURDEN,LULLABIESYOUSLOW,BUTCERTAIN.
That is where I am from.
This is where I am:
I Cant spell Dark it is unreachableandIamlostandlostandlostbecauseitis2008andWeAreNotWhoWeWere. Because all this is some ploy for reasoning some cry to some species that only exists within the confines of my perception but you CHAnged it you changed the perception! O Brave New World With Such People In It- Lets Start At Once! I wake them up and they say You Have Quite a Story/The World is Bigger Now/ it seems like it must be so casual for you like you walk around causing people to just think/ NO. A and B and C have various infatuations with me because of Her and how she’s made me realize the undying beauty of every complete stranger I pass on the highway and how you can fall in one with anyone you devote yourself to exploring. I am a Liar and Ill I want is for THEM to be Her and Me to be ME when I was on that Beach on Saint Patty’s day 2007 and I want you to have Blue Eyes that make me Honest and The ONE person I was and not the Million people that I am from one breath unto the next. For I am surely broken. I am in love with a woman I barely know. In a place too far from home. Who is with a man who helps her fall asleep at night, who has to speculate as to why she shakes.
THereAre6POINT6BILLIONpeopleOnthisbouncingBallofSweatandTearsandBloodandBaneandDryDrunkEmporersThereare300MILLIONBreathingBlessingsintheUnitedSTatesofAMericaButISWEARbythoseIrisesonthewallsAndTheCHEATINGsunandtheLAstPETalAndEverySingleGirlWhoIDontLEtKissMEBecauseTheyMeanAFractionofYourWalking/LivingPoetry- that I am undone. I have rationalized that you are merely another second-class beauty in this world of Bitches and Bastards. But I was wrong. I was always wrong.
You burn so bright, for so many, and are genuinely beautiful. I have to be careful.
You called me last week, in the middle of your Club Softball practice, 600 miles away, and said you couldn’t contain your excitement- you and your team had made the finals-like you promised me you would- and that you would be in NC, and I had to come to visit- like I promised you I would.
It has been one year since that beach. I will come up to meet you. I will tell you “I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are”.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
A Lifetime Passed, Two Years Gone By...
In the last two years, I have passed through a lifetime of joy and pain. I have graduated from high school, defying all the odds. Been rejected by the college of my dreams only to be then not only accepted but given a full scholarship to said college. Been hired and fired and hired back. I have landed a job that seemed perfect, only to have it blow up in my face as a terrible misconception. I have been interrogated and arrested. Witnessed the justice system from viewpoint of both plaintiff and defendant. I have been heartbroken by women, only to find a love deeper and stronger than I could have ever imagined.
I have been shot at, lost my virginity and gotten blackout drunk for the first time in five years. I have traveled across the world, finding that all I really needed was a home. I have become a different person from what I imagined I would be. Realized dreams I never had and lost dreams I have held my whole life.
Just when I think that my life is going in a certain direction, something happens that forces me to reevaluate, rethink everything I did. I feel that I have done and seen more in the last two years than some will experience in their whole lives. But all I want is some certainty. I want to know that my life is going somewhere concrete.
I do not even know what to think anymore. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Dear God, It's Me, Margaret
So... Gainesville. A wise man once said it is where the Devil's female fruit blossoms. However I feel increasingly obsessed over a girl I know who hails from this... grove. What do we do, Tangstmunity? What do we do when we're obsessed for some ridiculous reason. I think a preemptive burning of bridges might suffice, or making up a conversation to play out the fantasy that I know is ridiculous. In any case, maybe I just want to have some sort of female contact again. Lie, though, it's much more than that. I want a girl I can take home to Mom and Dad, who I can call on the phone and have an actual honest-to-God relationship with. I'm so tired of all these random hook-ups (count: 0 so far) and I'm craving some actual connection. Please, just let it actually happen. Pray for me, or cross your fingers, or create a damned love potion. Something, please.
Doctor A
i can't believe he got arrested. every single time he goes out with his friends, i have a mini-lecture on how much i really don't like him drinking - not even drinking, more just binging - and tell him to not do anything stupid. well, he didn't listen and then he was in jail for a day. all i could think was "i told you so" and now i just don't know what to think or do.
Anonymous
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Its been one year since I met you. I love you, yet irrationally so. I find myself too level headed, too logical. This one way infatuation has not only made my life dark, but resurrected a twisted faith in God.
Only God could, ex nihilo, create someone so beautiful in face and facet. Yet only God would simultaneously snatch such a blessing, such a carressing of the soul, out of my life.
I'm so fucking sick of dreaming of you. I've endured some tortured dreams. Dreams of cracked and crunched bones, inescapable damnation. But I wouldn't flinch when I drifted into sleep so long as I knew that I wouldn't find myself in that damned house, hearing your damn voice, and always being just one closed door away.
Because that's how its become. We're all in some huge strange house looking for ourselves or someone else, right? On the offchance that your internet glitches its way to this page, just know that every time I call you, its only to perpetuate the facade that I'm "just a bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting things in your ear".
I actually want to experience the rest of life with you. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow. Just get the fuck out of my dreams.
Anonymous
02:08:00 AM
3/26/2008