This is part of a letter to a friend. I thought I’d share it with you all, who have become a sanctuary/second family to me. =)

I found loneliness upon a shelf today. Its guise was a carousel, a music box, a capsule capturing the memories of my childhood. I remember staring at it for hours on end whenever Christmas time rolled around, as it would take its honorary place upon our mantelpiece. The tinkling, crystalline refrain of Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake” would resound as the image of solitude, of seclusion in the dead of winter, would revolve continuously upon its base. It held a quality of utter desolation I have never experienced since. Enrapturing, encompassing, was this little trinket. It was a mirror of my fascination with emptiness stemming from my far and young past. Encapsulated within this small glass globe, forever in its evolution, spinning right before my wide-eyed innocence – taunting, tempting, and yet denying.

I still cannot describe the emotion and passion that arose within my young body whenever I wound up that music box. It was a receptacle for my greatest fears of being alone, and a sepulcher where I laid those fears in peace. The sense of utter forlornness, detachment, and isolation expressed by the scene of the secluded house on the wintry hilltop is haunting. I had nearly forgotten about it until today. In spirit, I had placed this vital fragment of my youth onto the highest dusty shelf in my mind in an attempt to never think of it again. Why? Because the ritornello was too haunting, the theme too transcendent, for my young mind to comprehend.

I found and opened up the untouched shelf today. Literally and metaphorically. I’m leaving for a new high school next year. One that is not too far from where I attend now, but far enough to raise my fears of loneliness again. Having nothing to do today, I searched through my shelves and cabinets looking for memories to keep as a memento of my meager two years of high school thus far. I found so much. From the clubs to student council to schoolwork and pre-junior year stress, I had somewhere in between found myself caught betwixt numerous regrets, love(s), and success. I had done what I feared most in the world: become attached.

Now I’m leaving this hallowed sanctum, and I have to start over again. I have to detach myself again from the red string of fate that bound me here after two years, so I can begin anew. I fear for myself. I fear for what is uncertain. The capsule of my childhood fears of loneliness and forlornness unlocked again with a hesitation equivalent to Pandora and her box. I took this symbol of my youthful apprehension off of the shelf today. The years of accumulated dust were wiped off, as I viewed – for the first time in the nine years since I moved to North Carolina – the same familiar scene of despair. The windmill above the house still turned, the snow still fell upon the hilltop as the destitute strains of “Swan Lake” played once more. My future and my past suddenly went into a crescendo that breached the wall, overcame my uncertainty, and made a head-on collision with each other. I found loneliness upon a shelf today.

And I realized, that in that moment, I was strong enough to face it alone.


Anonymou
06:24:10 PM