I'm am plagued by a disease that I do not know the name of. Like many of the children of Enloe, I wander around and the only thing I have in my head is, "you have to get an A on this, otherwise you are stupid and worthless and there are problems with you"
I am selfish, I pretend to be happy and sometimes I'm so good at pretending that I make myself think that I am. Then I look back at myself and realize my life is full of nothingness besides the grades, tests, and parents, there is nothing. This cycle is a rinse and repeat, over and over again.
I find razor blades in my house and I stare at them for hours on end sliding them across my wrist hard enough to feel them there, but not hard enough so that I will feel the actual pain. I fear pain, but then, what is worse than feeling nothing at all? I eat Tylenol religiously, it stops the pain.
I feel that my friends are mindless with their small, obscure mini-soap dramas and their attention to parties and shopping trips. Again, I look at myself and I think, I am just as mindless as them; I am even worse, I have no direction and I have long been desensitized to my friends's feelings... Whatever comes out of my mouth, goes.
What is wrong with me, please rid me of this god forsaken disease. I feel nothing for anyone, I feel nothing for myself, I do not even know who I am trying to please.
Anonymous
08:56:37 PM
8 comments:
I am beginning to think that people like this really don't belong at Enloe. Enloe is about using this very special period of our lives to discover who we are, to broaden our horizons, and to make the best of the high school experience. If you find yourself drowning in grades, completely oblivious to what's going on around you, maybe you belong at a different school?
Just a thought, not meant to be mean.
^/Yeah, alienation is the perfect solution.../
Ah, yet another modern malady of the soul. As usual we'll leave it up to the french to come up with a good name for this one.
i know the solution to your problem. but im not going to tell you what it is unless you give me a ransom of 10$.
I think its hard not to be obsessed over your grades esp when you go to enloe esp since its so hard...and all the competition and stuff
but i also agree with rashi, and it has to be a balance and you have to find out who you are at enloe.
suround yourself with people that love you so they can encourage you and you can have fun while getting good grades. b/c grades are important....but I think we're too young to be so concerned about the future. so have fun. and laugh it off with your FRIENDS when you get that C+ because they probably got it too.
find something else to do. Join a club, do a sport, academic team. find a real passion.
Most grades are just a means to an end.
Find something to occupy the time you spend building the mean towards the end.
you sound just like me. in my head, i refer to this condition as enloeitis. please, don't start cutting. it's a bad idea. as for the tylenol thing, doesn't that stuff eat away at the lining of your stomach? unless i'm mistaken, you definitely need to eat before you take it. not that it's a good idea anyway. good luck.
maybe your just not good enough, but the competition at enloe drove you to overexert yourself...
...sounds kinda harsh, but it's true, stuff like that happens at enloe a lot
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