i'm glad i finally talked about how we don't talk anymore. i really missed you.
we stopped talking and well...it really affected me.
i mean you were my best friend.
and i guess i want you back in my life...
i think?
Anonymous
09:07:00 PM
4/30/2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
After coming clean to myself and then to my close friends and admitting that I am bisexual, I was finally able to achieve the big O! I'm happy, I'm comfortable, and it's ridiculous that I had to worry just as much about my gay friends' reactions as my straight ones. I have a legitimate sexual orientation, and it feels good to just go ahead and open up. REAL good.
Anonymous
02:53:00 AM
4/30/2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Everything I've done in my life has been to please my parents, and they're never satisfied. Just once I wish they'd be proud of me, but they always treat me like shit. I don't even get a "good job" when I did something well. They never seem to appreciate or acknowledge how much I try. All my life I haven't done anything for me. And yet I can't stop trying to please them. I just wish, for once, I'd get a "good job" or "I'm proud of you".
Anonymous
06:15:00 PM
4/27/2008
Can mouthwash prevent an orally transmitted disease? I was at a party and was dancing with this girl when she just kissed me. I hate her for it, it was my first kiss, and it was complete shit. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to kiss her, but I felt like moving my head away would have been rude. I didn't want to swallow but I could only hold the spit in my mouth for so long. I only swallowed once, but as soon as I got back I mouthwashed with listerine. Should I be okay?
Anonymous
04:40:00 AM
4/27/2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I had sex with him last night. We're both one another's second partners. Seconds are a lot scarier than firsts. I'm actually still freaked out, but I care about him so I don't want him to know. Funny how your writing quality goes down the drain when you're quietly freaking out.
Anonymous
4/24/2008
09:35:00 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
You know, it was much easier to deal with the fact that I'm attracted to you when you were off-limits. But now that you are single, I find it almost hard to be around you. Should I listen to reason, which tells me I'm leaving next semester and I don't want a long-distance relationship anyway? Or my hormones that tell me that doesn't matter?
But you don't know
Because I am afraid to tell you.
Anonymous
03:12:00 PM
4/23/2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/crime/
bal-te.md.rape17apr17,0,5827288,full.story
"The victim testified in Montgomery County court that she agreed to sex 'as long as he stops when I tell him to.' As he began, she told him to stop because he was hurting her, but he kept going for five or 10 seconds, she said...[he] denied any wrongdoing but was convicted of first-degree rape and other crimes and sentenced to 15 years in prison, with all but five suspended."
Holy shit.
Anonymous
11:00:00 AM
4/18/2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
When I close my eyes,
When reality fades,
When the world falls away,
When I'm alone with my mind,
When all I hear is the music in my ears,
I have found heaven;
a haven of individuality,
a place of secret counsel,
a world free from pain,
an existence free from shame.
I have found heaven on Earth.
Anonymous
08:30:00 PM
4/14/2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I think that if college is truly the best time of your life I must be wasting it. College isn't as fun as so many people say, perhaps im just not happy in my current situation but does anyone else in college feel that if this is the best time in your life then your life's gonna be pretty crappy? maybe its just me. I'm just bored as hell with college right now, I find that im wondering if im missing something or if my expectations were too high or is college like this every where. maybe I need to change colleges cause not much here suits me. maybe it will improve next year or by the time I am in junior year but What if it doesnt then I will have wasted the best time in my life waiting for it to improve. If I leave and its the same then I will wasted my time and effort switching to another school. Its a question I find my self wondering every time im bored. I mean when I envisioned my self going to college I never though about wasting my time watching tv or trying to find a way to while away the hours I though of being busy learning and growing. my spelling and grammar is probably off but i just wanted to write it down and i don't feel like checking it.
Anonymous
11:05:00 PM
4/10/2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Pshhh
For God's sake, I am so tired of this shit. Does anyone among you, our silent public, go out and do what you want? In practice, the whole polite society thing is just really not working out. First you have your dreams and as a kid you chase them and hope that you actually catch them. Then you grow up a little and you realize that it doesn't always work that way, that most of the time the dreams will elude you. But you have dreams, and there's still a distinct part of you that wants those dreams to come true. But then you grow up more and you chase fewer still and it becomes all about playing the game and if you want to get along you have to go along. And I'm fuckin tired of getting along. And of not having dreams anymore. Why aren't we doing anything about anything? Am I alone in this... do you people go out and do what you want? I don't mean save the whales and the world and the rain forest... I just mean go get the waffle instead of your eggs.
For myself, I don't have any dreams left. I don't want to do anything, be anyone, be with anyone, write anything, and I certainly don't want to want anything at all. I'm ready for sleep, sex, magic cards and smash brothers. (- sex, that's one of those dream aims) Fuck. Life... God damn.
O Brave New World: Confessions of a Madman
Let me preface this by saying my return is not to indulge a prior..poetic..reputation that used to appear on this black background a long time ago, but because of the very principles of this site: to say that which must be said. I will lapse into eloquence and blunt speech as my exhausted mind wills, and I may not entirely make sense. But I am now paying the price for quite literally keeping my thoughts and emotions exclusively to myself (and perhaps one not-so-subtle Dr. in our midst). This is not some experimental poetry, or a series of witty abstract narratives, or a series of lyrical lines (some mine, some not) that have looped their ways around my head. This is perhaps the most dangerous essay I will have ever written; because this is the most honest essay I will have ever written. I will be cryptic and frantic and incoherent and inconsolable and maybe I will gain something from it, or maybe you will gain something from it. I'm not sure how long this rant/stream-of-consciousness/mental rollercoaster clusterfuck will go on. I am not drunk. I am not under the influence of some experimental drug. I am merely insane with so much to say....
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years.
I am spilling. No, no no no that's not strong enough, thats not violent enough, I'm not spilling I'm breaking/cracklingSTATIC there is somethingSOMETHING arching down my limbs like some adrenaline-lightning. something that sparks that burns that looks like veins against an X-ray but couldnt possibly be veins. veins are too conventional, too Flesh & Blood human. and god(God?)DAMN it would be too easy to be Flesh & Blood human. BUt no no no no no no n oashasoghasjhgasgd we had to be the STATIC kind the kind that splinters and ConTOrTs itself into mental gymnastics reserved for the electrocuted and most cruelly tortured. I was fixed
I was fixed I was FIXED/Cured/Baptised in the waters of the well
Rewired.
I was rewired. I must remain rewired. Seneca----->> "A Liar MUST be good at remembering". He as wise as he was old as he is dead. I am a liar. There are rules. How many people am I???? Every class I am anew like some twisted phoenix. I am music I am military I am poet I am shy I am the extroverted hurricane I am sweet I am a 10lbs of douche in a 2lbs bag I am Government I am INDIE I am quietly conceited I am the Director and the Customer and the Customer is always Right. The Process: I shake your hand I get your name I map your personality I use you. But I'm good. Oh I'm very good. But I would change for you (<--but that's a lie! I am efficient I am resolute I am safe.---)--> I am too safe I am undone.
"Oh stop being so safe." That's the bitch about text messages right? The tone. The tone is gone. How did you say it? Was it teasing, with a grin on your face? Was it apathetic, with frustration down your neck? Was it said in a commanding whisper- like some relentless last words? I will never know. Was it then or the night before I was too safe? The night where some God or Fate or FairyFuckFest made the sky glow. And not that retarded Chernobyll/Disney fake alien glow. It was as if someone spilled all the celestial glitter from their galactic Arts & Crafts table...all over the horizon. It was cold that night. So we (strangers) cuddled (what a stupid word....I hate that word it completely de-values a beautiful situation into something childish) We shared warmth and words because it was cold and quiet. But of course it was cold, its always fucking cold when youre with the one you love (a crucified word if one was ever written). Because what? The Sun has 7 other mistresses. Earth is just another bitch in the flock. I wasnt mad, I'd be bitter too, and at least now that I'm lonely it's a nice 63F outside. The Sun cheats. I am too safe. The Sun cheats.
When I was 5 years old I had just seen The Little Mermaid for the first time, and even though I was by no means a mermaid princess, I, a child who had his assumptions that Disney knew the proper channels when it came to love, went into Mrs. Cardwell’s yard and started to play “She loves me/ She loves me not” with her new flowers. shelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotSheLovesMe- and then I came to the last petal. What do you do when you come to the last petal? You cheat. We all cheat. And doesn’t that say something to the character of man? To the character of love? We were wired to want and to be found wanting of love.
You shook in your sleep. I saw it. The painting of the irises on the wall in all their pink and purple viscera saw it. The ceiling fan that spun like Nautilus skin saw it. We all saw it. Ive done it myself even, that sickening twitch of the spine, but no one has said I have done it sleeping. But I saw it move you. Our legs were overlapped (perfectly in place) like Lincoln Logs, and for that terrifying second it looked like you let the devil win. Your spine straightened and curled twisted, forcing your hand from mine. Then you rolled over and said with a slyness reserved for the sleepridden “sometimes I move in my sleep”. You didn’t move, you shook and the whole room saw it. I held you again and you went back to whatever dreamscape-hell you came from. It felt like every 30 minutes or so you would just shake, like your body couldn’t hold you anymore / talked to God/ met the dead/ remembered how far humanity has come and how far it has to go. And now I have them, those demons and they criss and cross and pirouette up my right arm to the numb part of my face and they show me the writing ont hewall I shouldveseenthewritingonthewalland for the past12orTHIRteenMOnthsYouhaventONCElookedatme*(withLoudNEss)inyourEyes.andIndarknessALightShinesAndthatLightIsGodahsfdkhfskhdkghdkbv57h32wbs6ejd
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years. How am I going to deal with 75.15
MAYALLTHELIGHTENINGINYOURGRINBEGINTOSTEERYOUHOMEAGAIN/ASLIFE:WHATONCEEMBOLDENEDBURDEN,LULLABIESYOUSLOW,BUTCERTAIN.
That is where I am from.
This is where I am:
I Cant spell Dark it is unreachableandIamlostandlostandlostbecauseitis2008andWeAreNotWhoWeWere. Because all this is some ploy for reasoning some cry to some species that only exists within the confines of my perception but you CHAnged it you changed the perception! O Brave New World With Such People In It- Lets Start At Once! I wake them up and they say You Have Quite a Story/The World is Bigger Now/ it seems like it must be so casual for you like you walk around causing people to just think/ NO. A and B and C have various infatuations with me because of Her and how she’s made me realize the undying beauty of every complete stranger I pass on the highway and how you can fall in one with anyone you devote yourself to exploring. I am a Liar and Ill I want is for THEM to be Her and Me to be ME when I was on that Beach on Saint Patty’s day 2007 and I want you to have Blue Eyes that make me Honest and The ONE person I was and not the Million people that I am from one breath unto the next. For I am surely broken. I am in love with a woman I barely know. In a place too far from home. Who is with a man who helps her fall asleep at night, who has to speculate as to why she shakes.
THereAre6POINT6BILLIONpeopleOnthisbouncingBallofSweatandTearsandBloodandBaneandDryDrunkEmporersThereare300MILLIONBreathingBlessingsintheUnitedSTatesofAMericaButISWEARbythoseIrisesonthewallsAndTheCHEATINGsunandtheLAstPETalAndEverySingleGirlWhoIDontLEtKissMEBecauseTheyMeanAFractionofYourWalking/LivingPoetry- that I am undone. I have rationalized that you are merely another second-class beauty in this world of Bitches and Bastards. But I was wrong. I was always wrong.
You burn so bright, for so many, and are genuinely beautiful. I have to be careful.
You called me last week, in the middle of your Club Softball practice, 600 miles away, and said you couldn’t contain your excitement- you and your team had made the finals-like you promised me you would- and that you would be in NC, and I had to come to visit- like I promised you I would.
It has been one year since that beach. I will come up to meet you. I will tell you “I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are”.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
A Lifetime Passed, Two Years Gone By...
In the last two years, I have passed through a lifetime of joy and pain. I have graduated from high school, defying all the odds. Been rejected by the college of my dreams only to be then not only accepted but given a full scholarship to said college. Been hired and fired and hired back. I have landed a job that seemed perfect, only to have it blow up in my face as a terrible misconception. I have been interrogated and arrested. Witnessed the justice system from viewpoint of both plaintiff and defendant. I have been heartbroken by women, only to find a love deeper and stronger than I could have ever imagined.
I have been shot at, lost my virginity and gotten blackout drunk for the first time in five years. I have traveled across the world, finding that all I really needed was a home. I have become a different person from what I imagined I would be. Realized dreams I never had and lost dreams I have held my whole life.
Just when I think that my life is going in a certain direction, something happens that forces me to reevaluate, rethink everything I did. I feel that I have done and seen more in the last two years than some will experience in their whole lives. But all I want is some certainty. I want to know that my life is going somewhere concrete.
I do not even know what to think anymore. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Dear God, It's Me, Margaret
So... Gainesville. A wise man once said it is where the Devil's female fruit blossoms. However I feel increasingly obsessed over a girl I know who hails from this... grove. What do we do, Tangstmunity? What do we do when we're obsessed for some ridiculous reason. I think a preemptive burning of bridges might suffice, or making up a conversation to play out the fantasy that I know is ridiculous. In any case, maybe I just want to have some sort of female contact again. Lie, though, it's much more than that. I want a girl I can take home to Mom and Dad, who I can call on the phone and have an actual honest-to-God relationship with. I'm so tired of all these random hook-ups (count: 0 so far) and I'm craving some actual connection. Please, just let it actually happen. Pray for me, or cross your fingers, or create a damned love potion. Something, please.
Doctor A
i can't believe he got arrested. every single time he goes out with his friends, i have a mini-lecture on how much i really don't like him drinking - not even drinking, more just binging - and tell him to not do anything stupid. well, he didn't listen and then he was in jail for a day. all i could think was "i told you so" and now i just don't know what to think or do.
Anonymous
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)