I don't know why I have such a hard time talking to him now. It's never been like this before. I want to tell him so many things, but everything important never seem to want to leave my head or come out of my mouth.

I wanted to tell him how incredibly important to me he is. How despite the changing state of thigns, I'm glad he promised to always be there. That no matter what I'll always have at least his friendship to fall back on.

That one night, a couple months ago, I wanted to tell about my attempt at suicide. It happened over 5 years ago, before I even knew him, but I thought it was something he should know about me. He kept talking, and I kept my silence. He remarked that to him, I'm fairly close to normal. The moment had passed and I revelled in the thought that perhaps I actually was.

Oddly enough, a couple days later, I was reminded of my suicide attempt again, this time by a movie. I talked to almost all of my close friends about it, but when it came time to tell him, I didn't. I figured, well, that's not something to introduce over IM or the phone. It's an in-person type of conversation topic. So when we talked, I mentioned that I'd had a bad morning and some stuff had come up that made me want to escape the world for a bit. He didn't question that mentality at all, I get that way sometimes and everyone knows that.

He went out of town a little while ago, just for a weekend, but still. I probably should have called instead of waiting for him to call me. It's not like I'm completely emotionally dependent on him (I'm trying really hard not to be). I should have called, I wanted to talk to him. I should have called. Next time, I think I might.

But I probably won't. That's one of his complaints actually. I don't initiate things. I won't because I'm afraid, and I can't because unlike him, I won't force myself to do things. I've got to have someone else push me or make me feel obligated. It's always been that way. I don't think a lot of people realize that about me. I thought he had.

We don't talk anymore. And it makes me sad while it frustrates him.

I don't understand how I can write all this out, how I can post this for the entire world to see, but I can't open another window and talk to him first for once.


Anonymous
10:25:18 PM