I'm so tired of trying to keep my life together. I'm tired of a manic depressive mother who's always out and neglecting her family, a father who's always busy (at least for a good reason), and having to cook, clean, do grocery shopping, whatever else needs to be done around the house, and try to hold down grades. Which might not even matter because there's no guarantee that my mother isn't spending my college money on clothing, plastic surgery, and a new sportscar. I can't blame her because it's part of her manic depression, but I also can't stop her, and I feel so powerless.

I can't stand the various health problems that are related to all this stress. Migraines, anxiety, depression, etc. I can't say that watching a mentally unstable mother for the first few years of my life and having my earliest memory being awoke by the paramedics in the middle of the night to witness my mother's mental breakdown and her being carried out on a stretcher didn't profoundly affect the way I view the world. I don't want to be a victim in the least...I can't stand pity and that's why I rarely talk about it, and although I want to move past it all, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a big influence in my life. The physical abuse I got from my father because of the stress of my mother's breakdown and his crappy work situation didn't help either. Thankfully I've forgiven and moved on, but I'm still afraid of loud noises and sudden movements. I've spent my entire life fighting through these problems, and just as things start looking up, even more is piled on.

I especially wish I could explain to my teachers who I've let down that I truly am passionate about the subjects I'm not doing so hot in, and I really do care. Some things are just more important, like the small amount of serenity I have left.

This was a long-winded post, but I haven't told many people about this and it's been hurting for a long time. I'm not the type of melodramatic kid people would expect this from, but I'm tired of that strong and unaffected front I put up. In reality, I'm scared shitless.


Anonymous
11:27:06 PM