I WILL NOT FIGHT FOR YOUR AFFECTION.
Now kiss me goddamnit.
Anonymous
03:50:00 AM
3/29/2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
After moving cross country for college, thinking it would make me a happier person, I realize that I've never been more miserable in my entire life. Completely broke, all of my classes dropped, and on the verge of eviction (from my dorm!), I'm at the end of my rope. Further more, I lack a proper social network, choosing to purposely alienate myself with the knowledge I'll probably have to leave. At the same time, going back home would make me feel like an utter failure in the eyes of my mother and peers. I don't even have any idea how to begin moving back, I just feel so hopeless and lost. I just want to drop out.
Of course on top of all of this there's relationship drama. The boy of my dreams is on the coast I moved from. Before we parted ways he said that he thinks "We'll be OK" but I don't know what that means. He's all I think about and I haven't the slightest idea how he feels about me now, even after dating for nearly a year. I'm positive he's going to find someone a million times better than me.
I've totally F'ed my life up, I just felt so pressured even after realizing that I didn't want to leave anymore, I did and now I don't even know why I'm here.
Anonymous
10:42:00 PM
3/10/2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
A few weeks ago, I sent him a message telling him how much our relationship meant to me. Both the very short romantic portion and the awesome friendship prior to that. I told him how he helped me through the worst months of my life and thanked him for being there. He never responded to that message.
Since we broke up a little over three months ago, I can count the number of times he has initiated any kind of conversation with me on my fingers, despite the fact that we eat lunch together every day. Casual side-conversation, where we act like we're okay with each other, is usually the extent of our interactions. Today he casually asked how I was doing. When I responded with a "been better", he wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to scream at him that there was no point in trying to pretend like he cared about me now.
But before all this, he was the only one that helped. When I was around him, I didn't feel like I was putting on the same show of being happy as I was with everybody else. It was genuine. Now that things have only gotten worse, I feel like I should be distancing myself from him, instead of trying to get back what we had before. But I can't. I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that could maybe help me again someday. So I'm taking this awkward, fake civility over nothing. Not being over him is bad enough, I don't think I could handle losing him forever.
Anonymous
3/05/2009
08:18:00 PM
I like my best guy friend here, who has a girlfriend somewhere far away. I think he's really cool for many reasons and I can identify with him better than most here, but truthfully I think I like him most out of convenience and lack of someone better in my life at the moment. I should get over him, because we're just not going to happen (though if he didn't have a girlfriend we totally would... Is it bad that we're flirty enough that I can tell that?). But honestly, I don't really want to get over him. It's so much more fun and easier to keep hoping that "someday, maybe..."
Anonymous
3/01/2009
11:00:00 PM
The Boy I just hooked up with last night: Really pretty, interesting, grating and annoying personality.
The Boy I have a crush on: Not bad looking, extraordinarily egotistical and pseudointellectual.
My "constant" boy: Pretty damn ugly, really, REALLY funny, can be a total dick when everyone else is around, also has an ego problem, makes me happy.
I wish I could find a boy who I liked for most of his characteristics instead of just a few.
Anonymous
2/28/2009
04:58:00 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I've liked him since last semester when my suitemate heard me in the bathroom and invited me to share wine with her and some friends. Call me intellectually promiscuous but there was something about the way he argued philosophy and politics that I found so HOTT. He's not that bad looking, either. Well, his hair is icky but I don't care all that much. This semester we are in a creative writing class together and he told another girl in the class that he really likes me. Awesome, right?
Complications: I am in an "open" relationship. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but neither of us are really single and I don't have any problems just hooking up with this guy but I can't see myself in a relationship and I'm not sure if he just wants my booty. Also, the day my friend told me that he likes me I got a text message from one of my really good (drama queen) friends that said "I am 100% totally crushing on [him]." Lame. I liked him first. He likes me. He doesn't like her at all and only hangs out with her because I'm around her all the time.
I want to be with him so badly but I don't know what to do! I thought drama disappeared in college but I was dead wrong.
Anonymous
2/26/2009
12:31:00 PM
I'm afraid I can never be satisfied having just one person. Whenever I get in a relationship,after about a week or two, I already want out and subconsciously I start to sabotage it. Well, this time, I'm with a really good guy. A great guy. Smart, funny, sweet, considerate, everything I don't deserve. He's also kind of clueless and inexperienced. But there's this other guy who I've kissed before who told me we'd never be more than friends with benefits. He's a complete ass. Arrogant, self-centered, but incredibly sexy. He knows exactly what he's doing. And I can't forget him. He started texting me again last night and I think something might happen with us again. The sad thing is I feel exhilarated. But I'm also terrified of breaking my boyfriend's heart. He's so fragile already.
Anonymous
2/23/2009
02:56:00 PM
when will you being so immature and irritable? stop isolating yourself. we've been friends since we were 12. now we're 16 and i guess we changed because everything you do makes me upset.
you are so pathetic and you are ruining your senior year.
stay alone if that's what you wish...it's not much of my problem anyways
come back to me once you open your mind and your heart, because right now you are just a miserable island and you're too fucked up, not in a good way.
PEACE
Anonymous
2/22/2009
01:19:00 PM
I just got back from being DD at this beyond huge kegger. Being DD usually sucks, but this time was just so, so bad. My boyfriend got plastered and kissed 4 different girls and then when I called him out, clung to me the entire fucking night. He was one of those crying drunks too, he kept crying and hugging me and spilling his nasty beer all over me. Very unattractive. So then I'm trying to round everyone up, and I guess I just didn't realize how uncontrollable drunk people are. It's sort of funny, but I just get in this existential state of mind when this happens. Arghh just needed to vent about my crazy night. Thank you.
Anonymous
2/22/2009
02:00:00 AM
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
this summer, before you leave for college, i am going to tell you that i'm in love with you.
and at least that way if it fails miserably, i'll never have to see you again.
i would tell you now, but you're also a girl. i guess this means i'm more afraid of people thinking i'm gay than i'm afraid of being rejected.
Anonymous
2/08/2009
11:16:00 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sorry Boys and Girls
My bad on not posting these things earlier guys; I've been both busy and extraordinarily lazy these days.
I also apologize for the formatting. I had to knock out 11 in short order so I didn't format them in the normal style.
-PChis
THE ROPE
I go places, wondering if you'll be there. I admire myself through your eyes. Oh yes, I recognize obsession, with it's warm distorted view of my world. You've made me let go of meaningless things that meant everything; lost jewelry, tombstones, chestnut colored horses; things I once hold on to to survive. Thank you. But I wonder, when you're gone, will I completely lose my grip?
Anonymous
1/14/2009
08:01:00 PM
Five girls lying in the dark, trying to be quiet as we wait for my mom to fall asleep, muffled giggles escaping here and there.
Four girls sneaking out of the house, E already asleep, I know she's faking, but I don't tell, the others are too excited by the possibilities of tonight to notice.
Three boys we meet in the park, the ones that our guy friends who care told us to stay away from, but flirting with danger, so to speak, is too enticing.
Two. The number of times we have to stop the boys from following us back, we don't want them to know where I live.
One night we let loose. We're the good girls, we don't do things like this. It wasn't all that bad, but it's enough to make us feel like we're living on the edge. Something we may never mention again but when we pass each other in the halls we'll laugh and think ourselves in control.
Anonymous
1/14/2009
07:53:00 PM
When we snuck to the ridge it was harder to tell whether it was closer to dawn or dusk, and as tiny speakers played music without words you revealed a side of yourself that I had never seen. It was there, as you carefully explained the rotating constellations and in the way you held me, protectively, in your arms to keep me warm. I was happy to endure the teasing glances of our friends as i traced patterns on your cheek because I know they approve, and later as they slept, I curled myself into your chest and found myself in the place I most wanted to be.
Anonymous
1/14/2009
07:34:00 PM
the people posting on here are sad. You all should be happy. Become happy by watching this awesome video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw4MQ3c8oYw
:D
envoi
1/14/2009
04:36:00 AM
Yesterday I bought a pack of cigarettes. Since I had filled in my mail-in ballot while I was still seventeen, this was the first really grown-up thing I had done since my eighteenth birthday.
Like most rites of passage it was easier than I had imagined. I specified which brand, let the man at the counter inspect my ID, and declined his offer of matches. Nobody looked surprised and I walked home, feeling a little older.
The remorse that came afterwards made me feel older still.
It was not my money and not my lungs, but somebody paid and somebody will smoke them, someone I am fond of, and I am using him and his addiction to fuel my own rebellion. I am in no position to make him quit but I shouldn't be an enabler. He could quit now if nobody gave him cigarettes, but somebody will always give him cigarettes because he has such a beautiful smile.
I could say that I did it for love but I don't think I love him.
Anonymous
1/13/2009
08:16:00 PM
I had a dream last night that finally made me realize:
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, I've just learned to live without him. When I visited high school and he went out of his way to come talk to me I was nervous, happy, sad, and all sorts of other things. This is so hard to come to terms with but it's true. In the dream we were back together and he held my hand and kissed me and everything in the world was fine. He's all I think about with my other boyfriend.
Damnit.
Anonymous
1/12/2009
12:33:00 PM
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Nothing is more beautiful than the way I feel when we drive through the deserted parking lot blasting your horrible music and sharing swigs from a glass bottle. The orange glow of the streetlamps illuminates your face and I silence my ringing phone as our lips meet. My heart does back flips. Your hand burns on my thigh. I love you, I think. And I shouldn’t. Somewhere, your girlfriend suspects nothing. I’d give anything to hold onto the feeling. I can’t go on without you. You ended it. Did the right thing. Stayed with the right girl. The pretty one, the good one. I used to be the good girl. I respect that even though inside, my heart cracks open. You made promises. Maybe in the future. Some hint in your smile, in your eyes, tells me this isn’t over. I’ll wait. "Friends?" I ask, feeling my fingers turn to ice. "Always," you remind me.
Anonymous
1/06/2009
06:12:00 PM
It's a fairly surreal story -- my ex-lover sends me a postcard, I write back, my reply is found by a drifter who starts writing to me fan letters, calling me thought-provoking and "a very solid and legit young woman."
We've been carrying on this odd correspondence for a while now, and I enjoy having a reason to check the mail, and while I'm thinking about M. I can't be worrying about J. who was doing so well for so long until he nearly killed himself with poisonous mushrooms.
Sometimes I even think I'm not in love with him anymore.
I've been spending my time flirting by letter, doing what I can to avoid thinking about him, reading the books that M. recommends, digging up CDs of M.'s favorite music, saving my money to leave home although at the moment I have nowhere specific to go. I'm rebuilding a life out of secondhand cassette tapes and fifty-dollar bills. For now that's almost enough.
M. took a photograph of J. when they were staying at the same house for a few days. I found it partly by accident, and he looks so sick.
It's a new year, and I've already done so much to put the past in its place, but for now I have to pause and raise my glass to missed opportunities.
Anonymous
1/05/2009
11:04:00 PM
Monday, January 05, 2009
Dude. You have a boyfriend. I'm sorry if you're not happy with him or whatever, but that doesn't mean you also get to have the guy I like. First of all, he's not into you. Sorry. Second, YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Third, ruining the entire day because you were jealous of me and him is such an immature way to react. If you expect to head to college pullin shit like that, you will get eaten alive by the real adults. Sorry, my dear. You're my friend, but you need to grow up. You can't have everything.
Just Another Girl
12:53:00 AM
1/04/2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I have no regrets. He was no good for me and I probably should have done it sooner, but lately I've been so incredibly horny.
All I think about is masturbating and sex.
We came close to having sex several times, but we never did because he'd always have second thoughts at the last minute and decide he didn't want to yet.
I don't miss anything about him. I just miss the kissing and him touching and fingering me.
I miss the "sexual activity" so to speak
Anonymous
01/02/09
11:11:00 AM
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I'm on academic probation, and I just to drop out. I spent eight hours studying for a test I got a fifty on. I failed a class because I slept through one of the exams. I have ALWAYS been a bad student. I have ALWAYS felt stupid at school. I have ALWAYS felt out of place around people. Eating meals in my room, avoiding answering my phone.
So many people I knew, so many of the people who came here when I was in highschool are so talented and beautiful in so many ways and I'm not like them. Being around people like them, sucesful people, happy people... it just reminds me of all the things I'm not.
I'm so scared of life outside of college. Panic attacks and all the important things I forget and being turned down when jobhunting all the time.
I have been at the edge of killing myself for so long because I'm just NOT fit to be here. I AM a burden and there's no guarantee at all of ever being able to hold myself up. and it HURTS. It hurts so damn bad every single day to be so incompetent and different. Not even different in an interesting or 'cool' way.
People would cry if I died... but people cry over people they don't even know. If I just move somewhere, lose contact, and never speak to them again, they'd never shed a tear.
So what's the difference?
I'll be twenty in a week, and this will be teenage angst no longer. Just the same stupidity there's always been. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm a coward and the things I feel so strongly never seem to amount to much, so I doubt these feelings will either, but it's true. I don't want to let those numbers roll over and face the person I've become. The way my life goes... I'm not living anyway.
Anonymous
10:09:00 PM
12/31/2008
i'm sixteen years old. i feel very lonely. i have a lot of friends but i feel like none of them share my vision of what is life. i want very close friends, i want to have meaningful discussions, i want to explore, i want to experience.
i want to be happy.
the reality i live in is so dissapointing. i'm afraid of what's coming up. it is so scary how no one really knows how i feel or who i am...
i am so confused about ... everything. i'm disturbed.
so hard to find the right words..
i do drugs, often alone, because i'm trying to escape from this existence. i'm trying to set my spirit and my body free.
im trying to get to know myself. i seek for authenticity.
why do most people have to make me feel so different...
Anonymous
07:31:00 PM
12/30/2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I know you were hitting on me all night but I ignored it.
I feel sorry for you, because I went through exactly the same thing after I broke up with my boyfriend--trying to find the next living, breathing human to fill that void.
Because things will not work out between us as a couple and I like you too much to let a two-week Christmas hookup come between our friendship.
So (I think) it's for your own good that I pushed your hand away and turned to kiss you on the cheek.
Please let this not be weird. You're the closest thing I have to a brother.
Anonymous
01:14:59 AM
12/28/2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
anyone on here ever transfer to a different college? I'm doing really well at my current school and have considered transferring to UNC-CH mostly due to cost but also because I may have a job lined up for me after I graduate. I was happy to be in a new setting at my current school because I was able to redefine myself. I guess my big question is if it was difficult transferring or if there is anything that I wouldn't expect that transfers have to put up with.
Anonymous
09:33:00 PM
12/25/2008
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!
--
It doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year, but the time is thusly upon us. The gifts are bought, decorations are hung about the house, and food has begun to be prepared.
I just don't really feel in the mood. I'm physically sick and mentally exhausted. I've been stressed and overworked. And to top it off, I'm growing distant from my family.
Basically, I'm getting old and crotchety, with no end in sight.
Scrooge
12:00:00 AM
12/25/2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I can't control how upset I get sometimes. I transferred from a school that made me incredibly depressed to a school where all of my friends are at. I live with two good friends, one of whom picks fights with me constantly (A definite source of anger). My grades are not as solid as they were last year, and the classes are harder, but that's what I wanted.. right? Mostly I feel bad because innocent bystanders (friends and family) get pulled into the vortex. I don't want to drag them down, and I hope they know that I don't mean to take it out on them. I love them. I'm a coward.
Anonymous
11:26:00 PM
12/24/2008
I ended high school with almost zero friends. I burned most of my bridges and I haven't looked back and I am currently the happiest I've ever been. My new friends actually care about me. My boyfriend loves me 100% and I've never experienced this close of a bond before. I had problems with drugs, yeah, and that's why most of my friends gave up on me and I've overcome. I know most of them don't read this and I know some of them still do and I don't even give a fuck if they know who they are or not. I'm happy. I'm fucking happy. I beat drugs and I beat the losers who gave up on me. Just sharing the love and I guess self-flagellating a little bit. Feels good.
Anonymous
12:12:00 AM
12/23/2008
Seriously. Learn to take care of yourself. Stand up by yourself, learn how to take care of yourself, learn to take emotional responsibility of yourself. I'm sick of wiping you off the floor when you make it so easy for you to end up there. Be proactive about finding solutions to your problems, don't just schlep yourself around in a funk. no one wants to be around that, no matter how much we love you.
Anonymous
11:56:00 PM
12/22/2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
I have never been attracted to another girl until now.
We smoke cigarettes together and weed whenever one of us has any. We've drank together. She's the only girl I've ever had sexual thoughts about. And god, I want her so badly sometimes. We get into deep conversations, revealing things we've never told to anyone else, sharing our fears and our dreams with each other. We connect on the deepest levels on the deepest subjects. And I might let all this go except sometimes I get the feeling that she feels some attraction towards me too. I think about wanting to kiss her when we have sleepovers together. I honestly would like to let this go, but I can't when she asks me to come sleep on the couch with her at sleepovers with our friends or when she tells me I look good and almost flirts with me in inconspicuous ways. It gets exhausting sometimes not acting on what I feel. I'd like to kiss her just once to see if there really is anything there.
Anonymous
05:09:00 PM
12/20/2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
This guy and I have been kind of "seeing" each other over the past few weeks and it's getting kind of official. I've been really wary of labeling "dating" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" though that's what it's growing closer and closer to. So he's an amazing guy and everything but yesterday he wanted me to meet his best friend. His best friend is way more attractive, has the exact same interests as me, has the same sense of humor as me and has a slight romantic interest in me. I know this sounds terrible, but his best friend is such a better match for me that he is and we flirted really hardcore yesterday.
Oh no! What do I do?
Anonymous
12:54:00 PM
12/19/2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Hooooooly shit.
1)I thought this was a place for people to come together, to trust strangers with their secrets, and not to be completely bashed about their lives.
2)Wasn't there some rule about not disclosing the identity of posters? Good job following your own rules, admins.
3)Spoiled fucking brats. We are super fortunate to live within the small percentage of the population that actually gets to go to college, and you have the nerve to think it's SAD to be going to Wake Tech? It's education! It's good education! Just because it doesn't cost your mommies and daddies 15000 a year to go doesn't make it any less of a good basic studies place.
4)So what if he lied? Have you guys never lied in your lifetime? If he was embarassed about not getting into UNC (which he shouldn't be) then cut him some fucking slack, let him say what he needs to to feel better.
You guys make me sick. We have enough bullshit going on in the world today and for you to come here and attack someone because of a lie? Get a fucking grip and look at yourselves. Nobody is perfect. Leave him alone. What little faith I had left in people is now gone because of you, tangsters. Thanks.
Anonymous
02:21:00 AM
12/18/2008
Someday I will fall for someone who isn't some kind of addict. Perhaps if I tell myself this enough it will come true, though at the moment it's hardly likely. The people I find myself attracted to all seem to have a criminal side, and consequently I seem to spend a lot of time wondering which one will die youngest. They're all liars and thieves and I miss them terribly.
Anonymous
10:37:00 PM
12/17/2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
In 9th grade I said I'd never give a guy a "blowjob" because it's such a gross and degrading thing to do, while my friends were like "well I might, depending on the circumstances."
I was dead set against EVER doing anything like that and surprise, surprise- I'm in 10th grade now and I'm the first out of my friends to give a guy head. and what eats me up the most is the fact I was completely pressured into it by my boyfriend. We were fooling around in his room and he had just fingered me and I asked him what I could do for him. I figured he'd want a handjob, but he wanted a blowjob. We'd been dating for a week. He'd fingered me twice. I hadn't even given him a handjob yet. I told him no at first. I told him he knew how I felt about this type of thing, but he persisted telling me "I'd do the same for you."
"It's the only thing that will make me happy. I masturbate everyday, a handjob won't do anything for me. I promise you." I just kept asking are you sure it wouldn't be different if I gave you a handjob instead of you doing it to yourself? "No, no. It won't do anything for me." and he just kept telling me this over and over and he made me believe him.- That a blowjob was the only way. That he would of course, without a doubt do the same thing for me. So I gave in. I did it. and afterwards when I went home and took a shower, I felt so dirty and horrible about myself. I felt raped of my innocence and my pride all at once, all by that simple action.
But more than anything I felt untrue to myself.
Regardless to say, he never ate me out. and we've broken up because he went off telling his buddies that he was getting laid every night and bragging about how he got a blowjob. I wish I had said no. I wish I hadn't given into him. I wish that I could have atleast done that to a guy I loved so passionately that I WANTED to do that to him, BECAUSE I felt so strongly for him.
Anonymous
12/13/2008
06:48:00 PM
Friday, December 12, 2008
As the Rich Get Poorer, Teenagers Feel the Crunch (NY Times)
There are some pretty priceless quotes in that article. It's so fucking surreal.
Anonymous
12/12/2008
01:36:00 PM
Monday, December 08, 2008
So this is quite a bit late, but still the source of some angst on my part.
I hate that admins/contributors on this site know who I am. I originally joined as a mysterious figure, and I enjoyed it. Sithgirl correctly weeded me out, but other than that I was just a faceless voice. At some point in a gathering of Tangst people I made the mistake of revealing myself to a few others. As one admin said at the time, "Knight_racer's posts were so much cooler before I knew who was writing them."
I wanted to say, "I claimed them because I'm proud of what I've done. Look at who I really am. I can't be real here, and now. But look at what I write, and look at what I think and feel. Know me for who I am, don't judge me for who I've become."
But I didn't. I should have remained anonymous, a faceless voice in a sea of anonymity. But I didn't.
So I say to all of you now. Congratulations. You on here have come to know me for me, not for who I pretend to be. And for all those who do know me, I beseech you to look back. Take a second look. Forget to judge, and read my words with fresh eyes and an open mind.
Not all is as it seems.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
I survived my first semester at college. I know no one else thinks that it's a big deal but to me it means everything. Internal celebration! I feel like I live a completely different life now that no one in high school can ever comprehend. I've learned so much that can't be taught in school and I'm so happy. I did it. I survived. Only seven semesters left and I'm looking forward to every one of them.
Anonymous
12/07/2008
06:20:00 PM
Friday, December 05, 2008
Damn.
I was just looking through some things on the site like "Tangst beginnings" and my own profile where I declare that I am a Junior at Enloe High..
I just want to say: "Tangst. Fuck yes." Because though we've worried you are going to roll over and die, or whatever, people still look at this site.
Has much else comparable in your life lasted since 2006? It's pretty awesome.
Dr. A
2:16:00 AM
12/5/2008 (!)
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I hate it when people flame others when posting anonymously. Really? Do you think you are on such moral high ground that you can attack me? Then have the balls to post your fucking name.
Anonymity gives you a feeling of power and it's sick that people would abuse that just to feel superior or get a rush.
Guess what? It doesn't make you sound cool. It makes you sound like an ASSHOLE!
Note: I'm not talking about the named contributors, just the jerks that hide behind "Anonymous" when responding.
12/03/2008
09:22:00 AM
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I'm hooking up with a boy who really, REALLY likes me. I already shot down the idea of a stable relationship once and it broke his heart but he continued to hook up with me. I don't know if I can do it again. I really like sleeping in his bed and giving him kisses and having lots of sex but he's just not what I'm looking for. How do I break it to him that I'm not interested in something exclusive?
Monday, December 01, 2008
Hilarious Orgasms Anyone?
Okay, I'm just wondering: has anyone else experienced a hilarious orgasm?
I'm not talking about an orgasm or situation in which you had one that was funny (although that would be a great post), I'm talking about an orgasm that gives you this insatiable need to burst out laughing. It's an orgasm that gives you a fit of the giggles.
There's nothing inherently funny about it, but you just can't stop yourself.
They've happened to me about three times (also only with a partner, never by myself) and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this oddity?
-PChis
12/1/2008
10:27 PM
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