The good news: I love her and she loves me.
The bad news: I choked and wasnt hard enough. So, basically, I fail at life and am still a virgin.
The good news: She still loves me.
The bad news: I hate myself.
Anonymous
01:49:01 PM
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I take ten pills each morning. Not counting vitamins. The pills correct my imperfections and bad decisions. To function "normally" I rely on manufactured substances. If I forget one, my life comes crashing down and my body punishes me. Sometimes I remember to forget them just to feel the liberty of not being chained to these chemicals; to feel like me instead of a machiene.
Anonymous
10:24:22 AM
Friday, February 10, 2006
I watched a discovery channel show about sex and beauty (yeah one of those) that was saying how symmetrical people get laid more, get better jobs, make more money, etc, all because other people's subconsciouses like you more if you're beautiful. I've been paranoid ever since. --My eyes aren't even--! I know it's absolutely retarted, but it would completely suck if my life was worse off from the start all because of some gene glitch or sinus infection that made my face crooked.
God damned deterministic universe...
Anonymous
06:01:19 PM
Tintedfragipan you should move to Boulder, Colorado and go to BHS (I learned about Tangst through The Walls Have Eyes) because this really hot guy just transfered to our school (sadly I am a heterosexual female and he is gay) but he is in need of a close friend. He is really gorgeous.
Anonymous
02:51:16 AM
Thursday, February 09, 2006
My boyfriend has sweet ideas, but he never follows through. He says that he'll do so many little thoughtful things for me, but when it comes time to execute them, he either does it obviously half-assed or not at all. I think he's more in love with the idea of a relationship than with me.
Anonymous
11:36:03 PM
hey all..
I created another blog for those of you who just like to write.. poetry, prose.. anything.. it's anon. just like this community.
http://bloodofourpens.blogspot.com/
GreyHaveness
09:52:41 PM
I give you cold, fake lies that it doesnt bother me or tell you off whenever you cut, but I do something just as dangerous when I hurt. I get in my car, turn the sterio all the way up, and push it straight to the fourth gear redline (120-130mph) down a two-lane highway nearby, and I usually do it late at night to avoid being stopped by cops. Sometimes I go down the dirt road as fast as I can so I can whip her around even if its only 3/4 a car length wide.
Anonymous
08:16:36 PM
I was this close to telling you how I feel about you and asking you how you felt about me and/or 'us' today. The words were actually coming out of my mouth, but you said something at the same time and I said "no, go ahead" and we conversed and never got back around to what I was saying. Man oh man oh man. One can only wonder...
Anonymous
08:01:18 PM
oh how true, how true:
Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing,
Only a signal shown and a distant voice in the darkness;
So on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another,
Only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.
i was in love with him for 2 years. when he started dating someone else just when i got up the courage to ask him out, i took it as a sign that nothing would ever work out between us. it was a long and painful process, but eventually my feelings passed and i was able to move on.
we have always been very good friends, and the other day the subject of relationships came up. he confessed to me that he had been in love with me over the past year or two, but had never been able to ask me because he knew i would never feel the same way about him. the only reason why he told me then was that his feelings had passed.
if only one of us had had the courage to come out of our safety zone, a couple of broken hearts might have been spared.
Anonymous
06:26:05 PM
So, that was an interesting drive home.
I was going to come home and be angry. I was going to come post on tangst a scathing response to the slanders someone has been spreading about me, I was going to build myself up. But then I started thinking about this short story we've been reading in English class. When reading "The Bear" by William Faulkner the theme isn't quite clear at first; like most Faulkner works you have to kind of reread a paragraph to make everything fit. This theme really fits in my life today.
A lot of people think that I'm a suckup, or they think that I get things I don't deserve because I have certain friendships and relationships. This really bothers me a lot, usually, and especially recently when someone has been saying things that are blatantly not true. However, I realized on the way home that I don't need to defend myself from these accusations. Just like Ike in "The Bear," who didn't -have- to shoot the legendary animal to prove his skill at hunting, I don't have to respond to these comments. Ike knew he was good enough. I know I'm good enough. I know the grades, honors, awards, positions I earn are mine by right because of my skill, and I am not ashamed, and I do not need to worry about what other people think.
Certain people probably think I've been acting like an asshole for what I've done lately. I praise the higher power that I am not accountable to these people. At the end of my life, will I be happy? Will I be content? I don't know, but I plan on it. I want to be. You only get to live life once, as far as I'm concerned, and how will worrying about what others think about my motivations and my actions (when I know my motivations and actions far better than they could) add one thing to the experience?
There arises the question "Can't a guy be wrong about his own skills, his own motivations? What about self-deception?"
God dammit, I'm a man. Say I am wrong, it doesn't matter. Logically, why would I choose to decieve myself? It doesn't seem like a good thing to do, I guess. If I'm doing it subconsciously, if I'm giving myself a little "leeway," it doesn't matter. I have to fix that as it comes up. I can't be responsible for the things I don't know. At least I know what I think about myself. And that is what matters.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I don't understand what's going on with me and him. We'll go days without talking to one another and then something will happen and we'll have a really deep profound conversation. We share all these weird little things that no one else would find significant but they're important to us. Every little triumph he has, he'll come talk to me about it. I do the same thing back.
Because of this, I think I know him better than anyone else. But there's a whole other side to him that I never see, the side that everyone else does. I can't think of him that way. We know exactly which buttons to push to drive the other crazy. We bait each other all the time.
But we're going nowhere. And it's making me confused.
Anonymous
08:42:53 PM
Today in math class the windows were open just a crack and (in the middle of Taylor Series) this wonderful earthy-green swell wafted in the window. I stopped paying attention completely and was left with my heart pounding at the merest notion of spring on the way.
It's amazing how something as simple as a change in temperature can carry all that emotional significance. Humans are the shit, there's no denying it.
Anonymous
08:11:19 PM
We're getting to be better friends as the days progress. People have started to ask about "us", even though we are not an "us". We seem to dedicate our time together to making eachother smile. I'm starting to feel that jumpy thing in my heart whenever I see you. I'm starting to feel that blushy warm feeling whenever we're close together.
It's probably just me misconstruing your signals again because I'm desperate for anything. I really want to go for it, but I'm scared that we are what we appear to be-
Just Friends.
Anonymous
07:55:55 PM
My girlfriend is a nympho and all she ever wants to do is have sex. It's stopped being fun and sensual and it's now just a chore. I'm so bored with it and she wants it so much that it's not uncommon for me to facebook while she's under the desk giving me a blowjob. I don't know what I should do is my point.
Anonymous
07:24:34 PM
"I have always considered myself to be an independent woman."
But lately, I've been getting really frustrated with the loneliness. As everyone's starting to pair off, I'm starting to realize exactly how much I've been longing for a boyfriend.
Someone that I can talk to and not feel guilty complaining to when I have a bad day, he'll do so right back when he feels like it. Someone I can tell everything to, and not have to worry about whether or not he's going to judge everything that comes out of my mouth. Someone that understands me and isn't just going to avoid confrontation when I'm being terrible.
What I really want though, is someone who isn't afraid to touch me. I miss getting hugs. But whenever I get them I always feel smothered now. All I want is that safe, protected, loved feeling again. Like nothing could go wrong. I miss that feeling way too much.
Browneyes
04:30:30 PM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
These are my final thoughts
I've spoken too much already
wielded as a blade
your words have pierced me for the last time
Its my turn to fight
My turn to scream..
Yet my cries fall on deaf ears..
Listen! Goddammit why won't you listen!?
No medicine is strong enough for this
Nothing can dull this pain
I'm your sister
making another mistake
I'm your daughter
yet again disappointing
I'm your friend
Hoping you will see through my smile
I'm your student
Striving for Perfection
I am an angel..
fallen from heaven and stuck in this hell
Anonymous
10:19:34 PM
"Then Joe Starks realized all the meanings and his vanity bled like a flood. Janie had robbed him of his illusion of irresistible maleness that all men cherish, which was terrible. The thing that Saul's daughter had done to David. But Janie had done worse, she had cast down his empty armor before men and they had laughed, and would keep on laughing. When he paraded his possessions hereafter, they would not consider the two together. They'd look with envy at the things and pity the man that owned them. When he sat in judgment it would be the same. Good-for-nothign's like Dave and Lum and Jim wouldn't change place with him. For what can excuse a man in the eyes of other men for lack of strength? Raggedy-behind squirts of sixteen and seventeen would be giving him their merciless pity out of their eyes while their mouths said something humble. There was nothing to do in life anymore. Ambition was useless. And the cruel deceit of Janie! Making all that show of humbleness and scorning him all that time! Laughing at him, and now putting the town up to the same. Joe Starks didn't know the words for all this, but he knew the feelings. So he struck Janie with all his might and drove her from the store."-Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
I just thought this quote was awesome.
I also believe it provided an adequate example of a question proposed in an earlier post as to when it is appropriate to hit a women.
-PChis
Monday, February 06, 2006
I always end up comparing myself to these crazy overachievers at school. I'll talk to them and they'll be like "oh yeah, my rank is 12...thats so bad!" and i'm sitting there thinking about how i'm 80 something. They'll be complaining about how they have a B in a class, and i'm thinking about how I have a C and almost all Bs. Why do I compare myself to them? oh yeah. because i'm asian.
Anonymous
08:48:04 PM
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Duke and UNC are playing on Wednesday, and I'm pumped! Who else is?! I mean, everyone knows Duke is gonna win, but still! This is what I've been waiting for since last March!
thewordofrashi
09:14:19 PM
People have confirmed the fact that you like me. I mean, it's not like you were trying to keep it a secret. You know this will ruin our friendship.
So, for your own good and the good of our friendship in the long run. I will now initiate the avoiding-you-at-all-costs phase. I will be friendly in forced contact, but you probably won't see me for a while.
If you continue to like me then I will be forced to escalate to the ignoring-you-completely phase.
AND if you don't take the hint I will resort to the being-mean-to-you-for-no-apparent-reason phase.
Good luck, comrade. I hope this doesn't take long.
Anonymous
05:59:45 PM
Ugh, secret:
During church today we were talking about lust and when I was focused on to answer a question all I could think of was Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric."
So when it's like "Hey, do you have something to be thankful for, sir?" And all I can think to say is:
"The expression of a well-made man appears not only in his face,
It is in his limbs and joints also, it is curiously in the joints of his hips and wrists,
It is in his walk, the carriage of his neck, the flex of his waist and knees, dress does not hide him,
The strong sweet quality he has strikes through the cotton and broadcloth,
To see him pass conveys as much as the best poem, perhaps more
You linger to see his back, and the back of his neck and shoulder-side."
or
"I knew a man, a common farmer, father of five sons...
When he went with his five sons and many grand sons to hunt or fish, you would pick him out as the most beautiful and vigorous of the gang,
You would wish long and long to be with him, you would wish to sit by him in the boat that you and he might touch each other."
So instead you don't say anything and you sit gaping mouthed and look stupid, and think awkwardly that everyone can read the thoughts inside your head.
Yay for poetry :P
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Ahhhh, even as I write these very words, TANGST IS DOWN.
I am crying, on the inside.
I will post something from a novel, that I could relate to:
"In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. And before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are emptied for sleep, you are not. And when you are filled with sleep, you never were. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I am or not. Jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does now know whether he is or not. He cannot empty himself for sleep because he is not what he is and he is what he is not. Beyond the unlamped wall I can hear the rain shaping the wagon that is ours, the load that is ourno longer theirs that felled and sawed it nor yet theirs that bought it and which is not ours either, lie on our wagon though it does, since only the wind and the rain shape it only to Jewel and me, that are not asleep. And since sleep is is--not the rain and wind are was, it is not. Yet the wagon is because when the wagon is was, Addie Bundren will not be. Jewel is, so Addie Bundren must be. And then I must be, or I could not empty my self for sleep in a strange room. And so if I am not emptied yet, I am is.
How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home."
-Darl Bundren, from William Falkners As I Lay Dying.
I had previously believed that, by law, in order to see an R-rated movie unaccompanied by an adult, one must be at least seventeen years of age. I am seventeen years of age, as is my friend. We decided to celebrate being seventeen by going to see our first in-theater, unaccompanied, R-rated movie together (it was Brokeback Mountain, for the more curious among you.) My friend was sold a ticket without question, wheras I, arriving later, was asked my age and denied a ticket because I was under eighteen. A long debate followed where a lot of people got very flustered and the result was that neither of us got to see our gay cowboys.
I hate North Carolina law.
Anonymous
04:58:51 PM
There's a boy.. He's younger than I am but I think I like him... we're going to a dance tonight and I'm extremely exicited.. I just don't know what to do about liking him because my best friend dated him and he broke up with her because he ended up not being able to stand her.. This friend also has been treating me like crap lately.. so any advice?
Anonymous
11:10:57 AM
Friday, February 03, 2006
As a casual reader of this site, I read the post below requesting more upbeat subjects from the general readership. As I have never posted a new topic, I thought I’d give this a try.
I’ve spent too much time this past week thinking about what to do for my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. As I am in a long distance relationship, the holiday presents a great outlet for my intrinsic, but not always displayed, creativity.
Here are my plans:
I am going to tell her to expect a package, the contents of which are a homemade card and a framed picture of the two of us. (I won’t tell her what’s in it though…that’s between you and me.) I am going to send four notes, one for each of her classes (block schedule), to her friend. Her friend will give a note to four students, one from each of her classes. So, if all the plans work out, she’ll get a note from me in each class on Valentine’s Day! The notes will all be a part of one message, meaning I will stop writing in mid-sentence with a ". . ."
She is not the flower-type, so I truly believe I shouldn’t order flowers. If I know she doesn’t like them, it won’t be special.
What do you all think?
Anonymous
04:46:19 PM
The day we got our report cards I folded mine in half and refused to look. I've been so freaked out about my falling math grade and college decisions that denial seemed the only good answer. If I didn't see the grades they didn't exist, right? I finally took them out for the first time this afternoon, and wow. What the heck was I worried about?! Sure I dropped two letter grades overall, but with so many APs what else was I supposed to expect?
Enloe can make you think ridiculous things sometimes. Just remember to keep the big picture in mind and don't let arbitrary letters and numbers rule any part of your life.
I have a C. Colleges will see it. I am perfectly content with that.
Anonymous
04:39:17 PM
i totally have a crush on doctorA.
logical, calm, dependable, honest, probing, respectful... I LOVE IT.
seriously hoping the doctors a dude.
if its a dudette...not to drag up the gay/les topic but...hey epiphany, maybe sometimes its not the physical sex of a person but the person them self, regardless of sex?
Anonymous
03:19:47 AM
Thursday, February 02, 2006
This is my tangst.
Alright, so I did it for the 300th post, and 500 seems like another good benchmark.
The huge issue has come up recently that the site has gotten mean. My first response is that it's you guys, the users, who make it that way. And that makes me incredibly sad.
I'm supposed to be gone now. Taking a break, and only monitoring the site, watching it go through its paces without me.
Instead, I'm worrying about censoring and new regulations supported by my fellow admins. TF even started the movement calling for regulations. And he's an ardent Randist, Objectivist, and Libertarian.
As several posters have started leaving because of various issues - the site getting too popular, too mean, too disgusting, too hateful - I've started questioning what exactly is going on.
Was that dog post just a sign of things to come? Is the site falling apart before my very eyes? Have we gone past the point of tangst and encountered pessimism and cynicism in their pure forms?
But the question that flew into my mind that really hurt the most was "Do I want to continue?"
That shouldn't have even been an option. Two weeks ago, I knew that I loved the site more than anyone else. I've spent more time on this than anyone else. My obsession was the biggest, no contest - that's part of why I went away. But now, I don't even know if I want to permanently come back. Which is really bad.
I hate that I have to pull out "The Creator" card. But that's truly terrible. I don't want to abandon Tangst. It is the last, most serious, most permanent solution to the problem. It makes me want to cry that that's a solution.
Please don't make me do it. Don't be the Looters. Don't take from me one of the things I love. Don't make me destroy my creation to keep it from being further perverted. Don't make me pull a Howard Roark. I don't want to be a Galt or a Roark or even an Ellis Wyatt.
Has anyone noticed how much hate there is all over this site?
"not to be a flamer, but...
basically I've come to hate everyone who posts on this site. It used to offer catharsis for me. Now you guys annoy the hell out of me.
Fuck all of you."
______
"I hate gay people, I hate liberals, and most of all I hate whiners."
_______
"I really don't like you, tinted."
_____________________________________
This place used to bee all happy and emo and junk, but no everyone hates everyone else. How sad.
The Watcher
07:56:22 PM
Me and my Dad had a "moment in the car on the way home just now. I reminded how I had always loved when I was little to go in the car with him when it was dark and raining. Even if he was going on a stupid arbitrary errand I would jump in the car with him as long as it was night time. I just loved that feeling of being wrapped up in the darkness with the heater going and being protected by someone strong and capable that I knew would always keep the car on the road and always keep me safe. We talked all about the old days before the divorce and, for the first time, about how he felt about me going away to college.
I haven't been this happy in a very very long time.
Anonymous
07:41:16 PM
hey i wrote a poem today, totally random, just stream of consciousness type thing.
IT LOOKS LONG BUT TAKES QUITE A SHORT TIME TO READ. it may not makes sense to you, but just give it a shot please? :)...
Noodles
I remember…
Being inside
A small crate
With love empty and superficial
I remember…
A wall
A long low gray wall
Stretched
I remember…
Staring through the carpet
Endless rows of feet
Pound over
Over
Over fragile fibers
I remember…
A scream
A soft little cry ate
Through my bones
Eyes I could not see,
But I felt
Deep eyes, soft eyes
Turned thin and brittle
I remember…
Opening a door
Key?
It doesn’t matter
The room is not even there.
I miss that
Room.
I no longer understand.
I remember…
That I stopped
For one blink I stared at
My innocent feet
Neatly packaged in their
Red
Shoes
I then realized I was moving
Away away away
From where my heart wanted to go.
But oh!
My feet had given up
Though my heart had not…
I drifted down
Down the long way I had come.
Why the journey?
I do not understand but
I remember…
A sweaty dark space
A jacket
Whose?
Where have they gone?
The buttons, the pockets
All brown brown brown
And smelling of loneliness
I remember…
A bowl of noodles
Round green bowl
Sweet golden noodles
They mocked me.
That one noodle
Laughing its bright, sharp
Noodle-laugh
My air scattered away
I remember…
The rough bites of wood
The soft sloughing of falling scraps
Why this transformation?
The purpose: some other game
A pencil
Sharp
For the sake of others?
If it were up to me
I think
I would like
To be a dull pencil.
But I do not remember.
Anonymous
06:16:21 PM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
You know the physical feeling of loss of hope? The one where a few seconds earlier you were bright and energetic. You had hope about the day turning out well, you had the hope that he liked you, you had the hope that you two would make a perfect couple etc etc. All of a sudden he says something to make your day crash down. Five words or so- and you realize that he's just not that into you and there is nothing you can do about it. You stop whatever you were doing and just stand there. You do not want to sit down or walk anywhere- or even move at all. You just want to sit there and run the scenario over and over in your head asking yourself what went wrong. You have no energy and no will to do anything except stand there in a trance-like state.
That's how I feel whenever I talk to you.
Anonymous
04:28:38 PM
I used to go to my friend's house every day for a month to try to get free coke (see:cocaine) to snort lines. I was already smoking, drinking and having the occasional hit of pot and was having the time of my life. Thank the Lord I wasn't successful, and her mom came home every time she would break out the lines, I eventually gave up and just relied on my other habits.
I was the kind of girl that you didn't cross unless you wanted a combat boot to the face.
Now I'm that happy girl that tries her hardest not to swear that much. I try to put all others before myself. I'm that pious and clean girl that you wouldn't suspect anything out of. I love all things. I sit next to you in English class. Surprise?
Anonymous
04:08:43 PM
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I really don't like you, tinted. It's not because you're gay. It doesn't matter that you're gay, you make too big a deal out of it. You like penises, and you have one. That's great, and whether or not society thinks otherwise is of no consequence, 'cause you're still gay. So what the fuck, who cares? I don't like you because you act and write as if your morals, ethics, and satisfactions come before any consideration of how it will affect the people around you. Perhaps this goes for more people than just you, tinted (except for maybe the homosexuality in most cases, since it isn't the "norm"), but damn. Step off your goddamn high horse. Everyone who flames someone for "emo" poetry is being shitty, but so are the people who tell them they're being shitty. At least on this site. I'm being shitty for telling tinted I don't like him and others similar, but that doesn't give me any less right to write this, just like tinted is allowed to make his nose as shitty as he likes by acting as a scoundrel and... a brown-noser. And that's what makes this site great, but irritating. Thanks, I'm gonna go take a bubble bath.
Anonymous
08:30:04 PM
*sigh*
All right... I'm in love with someone, deeply in love, almost definitely getting married. Just to establish that. He was in love with another girl before, but some crazy shit happened, which I don't need to detail here. She still loves him, and he probably still loves her, if he'd just realize it. That doesn't mean that we love each other any less.
Lately, I've been in communication with her-- we've never met, we only talk online. She seems like a nice person, and we'd probably be very good friends if only there wasn't the complication that we're in love with the same guy. And, as I have been spinelessly conditioned to give up what I have should another person want it, her laments that she doesn't hate me, only that I represent all that she could have had but lost, sort of got to me. I really didn't want her to be hurt, and I made the observation that it would be great if we could both just marry this guy and both be in love with him.
Well, he got wind of it... and he wasn't adverse to the idea. Now, he's talking it over with me, seriously. And it doesn't sound like as good an idea as it did before, to me. He admits that he loves me more than he does her, and I, though it seems selfish when I think of her, actually... don't want to share him as much as I thought I did. He's talking about the future possibility of us being swingers, and I go along with it because I do love him... but how do I renege on my promise never to be jealous?
Jeez, and all this hitting me at junior year of high school...
Anonymous
06:15:23 PM
it was by mere chance that he was put next to me in the seating chart.
it was by mere chance that we happened to greatly enjoy each other's company.
it was by mere chance that i fell in love with him (and he still doesn't know it...)
so then, when the new semester came and our teacher told us we could choose a new seating chart, she thought she was doing us a favor. but it didn't turn out that way for me. after all, if a guy&girl voluntarily chose to sit next to each other, they would be subjecting themselves to all kinds of false assumptions&gossip.
so there he sits. a full 25 feet away physically. yet mentally i know that he is now too far away to get back.
Anonymous
06:10:03 PM
i hate you and your stupid poems.
they aren't deep or angsty: they're manufactured, plastic tasting, FAKE-ANGST so that you can pretend to have problems so you feel like a quote unquote teenager.
just suck it up. you live a nice happy life. deal. you don't need 'issues' to have friends.
Anonymous
02:10:29 AM
Monday, January 30, 2006
i feel more comfortable around adults than around teenagers. people my own age generally make me really uncomfortable. i feel like they have so many expectations of me, and that i'm letting them down by not fulfilling these expectations. with adults, it's completely different because they've finished being teenagers already. it feels like i have too, most of the time. i just feel so much more mature than most people i know. not to be conceited, but i also feel like i know more and understand more things about the world then them. i wish... for a lot of things, but mostly for someone who understands this feeling of being older than other people my age. it's lonely.
Anonymous
11:35:52 PM
I'm going slowly deaf. few know. most just think i'm not paying attention when i don't hear or am clueless or something. i'm afraid of what they would say, but i'm also afraid of losign friends by not being able to hold a conversation or get in to a good realtionship. i've had hearing aids since i was in 1st grade, but i always take them out before i get to school. and now it's getting worse and it might be affecting my grades, but i can't admit it to anyone because of my goddamned pride. and now it's too late for anyone to "get used to it." i hate it! and i'm sick of machines in my ears and how they look! i just want to be normal and this is just one thing to many. god. dont' they have surgery for these kinds of things?
Anonymous
11:15:07 PM
Short story entitled "The Lock and Key Theory". A little too angst to submit to anything, but now here for your critique.
This is how beginnings are started:
She watches people race by beneath the giant pendulum, and she counts the seconds and minutes that pass by, her youthful time unspent. She watched him walk by, hunched over, at a pace slightly slower than the others. Her eyes follow him as he turns the corner. These were the things she couldn't -- and wouldn't -- understand; they were inexplicable and illogical.
She turns to return to her work, piling day by day upon her desk; obligations unwanted but slowly whiling time away. She turns back to feelings of familiarity instead of unwanted insecurities that would plague her at times like these.
This is how insecurities bloom:
She doesn’t know what to do. She finds her eyes unwillingly trailing his motions, awkward as they seem. Her friends catch her doing so and she cannot disregard them. He is a nobody, to her understanding, but seems to be everything to her. She's caught in-between time and space, enraptured with the sight of the otherworldly angel caught in turmoil ready to take the dive, the flight into the unknown, the oblivion.
This is unwanted and awkward confrontation:
He catches her in the library. The angel without wings turns and their eyes meet. She cannot turn away. They wait like this, minutes and hours confusing each other, until traces of Aurora threads weave through the brightening sky. Dusk into day -- it's quite simple now, the congregation of space and time and everything else in-between. The pendulum stops swinging, but only for a second. But words -- answers – usually superfluous, are naught today.
This is their congregation of time and space:
They don't see each other during the quiet weeks as peers but as strangers. They coexist without speaking and share the tiny world they live in. They do not speak.
She observes him and takes note sometimes, writing down in her perfect cultured handwriting that he regresses slowly as the pendulum swings. His limbs, typically slender and sinewy, have gone limp. Her concern for him grows. Her friends do not utter a word upon glancing at her face.
This is the realization:
She encounters him one day. Trapped within a corner, he is a wildcat. His gaze steadily holds her. Blue meets brown. There is a silence for a moment. He turns his head to leave, and she wonders—this caged beast, trapped within bounds, completely unapproachable by society’s standards-- if she thinks about it long and hard, there is a metaphor staring at her in the face and it all makes sense.
This is wrong:
They continue to talk in muted tones and shifty eyes. Should someone see them would the reaction be an enactment of chaos? Speaking to each other in hushed tones as if the world outside is silent. She knows she is a coward.
This is the end of their beginning:
They both are cowards – turning back to an enclave where neither can be found. Where people turn their backs and overlook their differences. But they turn to face the severe light, glaring at them with its evil eye. Too many people, a hundred against one, predator to prey. They're vulnerable. The walls are quickly tumbling down.
This is the end in which all things spring:
They part their ways. Neither looking back to the place where all things originated: where insecurities will lie forever dormant, where a secret can be kept and an oath never broken. Remorse and regrets tossed aside into a gale, a whirlwind of emotions. Society frowns down upon them.
This is coincidence, chance, fate at play:
They're back where they started. The red string of fate has knotted them together. Pressures rising, soul escalation, nerve endings electrifying and senses on overdrive. In a broken world, divine interventions are only cracks and minute dents; they bear no positive effect except to exist. In a broken world, where fate frowns upon them he will take the dive. And she? She will go after him.
This is the intervention:
The pendulum stops swinging for the two. It is a cruel cycle that both should want to abstain from uttering a word in order to save each other in front of the world.
This is the end of their storybook.
… Now all things fall into place.
Anonymous
10:03:57 PM
1. There's nothing wrong with being a brown-noser, which includes being a rat. Now, if someone's cheating, I don't say anything generally. If someone's skipping a class, I don't say anything. But if I think there's some benefit for me in telling on another student (a new curve, I don't get in trouble as a result, etc... then I'll do it.
2. I dislike being overweight. I wish my Total Health Triangle were more balanced.
3. I often regret being a guy who likes guys. And I often regret the fact that I regret it.
Okay, so, that's my life. I'm a pretty happy person overall, there's a lot more that could be wrong with it :D
...and more than half the time I forget to think about this stuff xD
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Considering the recent formation of Enloe's "honor code committee", I've decided to write an honor code of my own. Please add, edit, and share.
-The Real Student Honor Code-
The Cardinal Rule: Unless someone’s well being is at risk, never turn in another student for breaking a rule. Ever.
Put your fellow students first in all situations, then teachers, then administration.
Always give your friends information about an upcoming assignment or test unless specifically told otherwise by a teacher.
Always let someone copy your homework if they’ve let you copy their homework in the past.
Cough when someone’s cell phone rings in class. You’re not fooling anyone, but it’s still fun.
Never tell a teacher that a student you saw in an earlier class is skipping.
Sneak underclassmen and people without lunch passes off campus as often as you can.
Don’t plagiarize blatantly. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
He who collaborates gets an A.
Ignore class rank. We’re all in this together.
It will all be over soon. Make the most of it.
Anonymous
10:39:21 PM
1. Don't lie to me.
2. Do your damn job.
3. Don't put all this stress on me, because not only am I finding it ridiculously hard to deal with, it's NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.
4. Since you're doing nothing, I would appreciate at least getting all the information I need to do it for you.
I hate people like her. I hate that she can't do a job that she has been assigned to since school began, I hate how I was put in charge of an offshoot of this whole thing, and I hate how I'm basically running the whole damn thing. I honestly cannot deal with this right now. But I don't have a choice.
Anonymous
09:39:09 PM
Dear --------,
I have never written a love letter before. I have always found them sappy, cliche, and weak, and I despise weakness in myself. But I have never been in crush/love (when does it cross the line from having a crush on someone to secretly being in love with one of your best guy friends?) with someone so much that I have cried knowing that between a relationship that will inevitably be temporary and a friendship that keeps me sane, I will inevitably chosse the friendship. I hate crying. But I do so, knowing at that for one moment...[specific detail]...I have been in crush. There have been people whose mere presence made live worth living the way yours does. There have been days where the absence of other people has dulled life, made it suddenly boring and pointless the way your absence does. But I have never written a love letter before. I just thought you should know.
Your friend,
--------
Anonymous
09:25:42 PM
I dive... Everyone is skinny at my practice except for me... I feel so awkward standing next to a tiny girl on my team who is a junior, been diving for only 2 years compared to my 3, and who kicks my butt every meet.. I'm a disappointment to everyone when I dive. My coach thinks I'm crap, Lisa the diving coach for most of the county says I think too much (she's right) and my team is constantly berating me.. I'm just so sick of it!
/diving rant
Anonymous
08:34:41 PM
Usually I write things like this in my journal that I love oh-so-much, but I have decided to share this maturing experience with you all (seeing how everyone here is of an understanding nature).
Catharsis. Literally, just what I went through. I had a talk with my dad and it enlightened me to many of my faults. Now, you must understand I usually never manage to subject myself to my father's scrutinization, because I generally like to keep my business to myself.
But I feel as if I have been thoroughly scrubbed, cleansed, turned inside out and upside down, and then given a list of things I suck at.
Lately I have been very stressed and severely disappointed in myself. I've been feeling oppressed, depressed, and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation. The first real relationship I've had in a long time sort of went down the drain, I somehow managed to suffer through my first half of the year with one B (which, in enloe terms, is insufferable). I have had a short-temper due to the tension built up around me, somehow managed to acquire this perfect perception of myself in my mind, and created a facade that no one could penetrate.
At that point in time I decided that I was living a resume life. My entire life could fit into one 60 kb document and it was the saddest realization I have ever had (which, believe me, are quite numerous).
In my anger and tension, I managed to push away many of my long-standing relationships with people and with someone who could've taken a vital part of my life. Him. But instead I ended up dumping all my crap on him at the end of everyday. And, in that way, I managed to push him away as well.
However, my dad said something I could actually agree with (shelving my pride and dignity, for once). With two words, you can ruin a relationship that took many years to build. And, unlike time spent smothering yourself in your own agony, it is hard to regain the trust someone has vested in you.
I have spent too much time concentrating on myself and what I want, I didn't even realize I was taking out my anger and frustration on the people closest to me. In essence, I became the one thing that I d: a cold-hearted bitch.
I owe everyone an apology. For being so immature, for thinking that looking successful on my resume would make me look successful in the eyes of the friends that I exiled, for hurting people, for hurting myself... I will no longer make false resolutions such as redeeming myself. But I can try. I have been floundering, I admit with all sincerity.
I thank my dad for taking the incentive to tell me this. I was lost, will be lost for some while to come, but I believe I have changed.
Never allow yourself get so caught up in being yourself... you may just let oppurtunities, friendships, emotions, your own humanity... slip by.
Anonymous
08:17:26 PM
A good way to find out what changes you should make in yourself, is to think of the one compliment that you wish people would say about you but know they probably never will.
For me it's "He's so amazing, he does everything." Someone said this about my Grandpa once, years ago, (he had a jazz band, cooked, played the stock market, owned a garden supply store, built cars from scratch, worked with nuclear scientists during WWII, and on and on) and I want more than anything for someone to say that about me. I'd better get started.
Anonymous
06:49:57 PM
He thinks so high of himself, with so much pride... so stoic, so driven. He masks his emotions so skillfully that houdini would be astounded. He's hurting himself as he does so. For what he doesn't realize is the one he loves most is not the one he says. He shouldn't hide his feelings from himself anymore.
Because she has always been his from the start, but she doesn't fulfill his quota.
Why deny it any longer? She was always his number one priority, so why does he deny it?
Anonymous
02:20:19 PM
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