I fantasize about murdering people--brutally, violently-- all the time. Usually they're child psychologists or those goddamn pretentious assholes who insult people who don't do drugs. One of these days, man, I think I'm gonna snap, and John Rosemond's gonna get a pair of stiletto heels shoved through his eye sockets.
Anonymous
12:23:00 AM
6/15/2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I am continually amazed by how wrong information can be planted and flourish, despite how conclusively it has been proven wrong.
Case In Point: A fellow student at my university just told me that Saddam Hussein not only had ties with terrorists but harbored them and trained them in Iraq.
Anonymous
01:37:00 PM
6/09/2009
This summer is very difficult for me. First of all, it sucks pretty badly living at home again after being independent for a year, an issue that many of you can probably relate to. Secondly, my boyfriend lives in the town I went to college in, only 2 hours away but still difficult to see each other what with clashing work schedules and all. I miss him. Thirdly, I've spent the last 3 summers of my 4 years in NC with who is now my ex boyfriend, so it's just kind of throwing me off. I don't remember what I did during summers before him. There's so much time to fill. My mom is pushing me to get back together with him, because she likes him a lot. So this is making me angry, on top of that, I guess my mom isn't used to not mothering someone so she turned to MY dog to baby this year. So I come back home to her telling ME how to treat MY DOG. Explaining my feelings doesn't work with her either. Nothing works. Everything is irritating me and as much as I'm trying to have a positive attitude, the people around me just keep rubbing me the wrong way and pushing me until I feel like erupting in anger and harsh words. Just the pile up of things. Grr. Thank you for letting me vent.
Anonymous
11:57:00 PM
6/08/2009
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Friday, June 05, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Besides Tangst, I've never really used my blogger account before. Now that I'm going to be studying abroad this summer, I'm creating a travel blog there--and since many more "real life" people will (hopefully!) be reading it, I've decided to remove myself as an author/admin of Tangst. I guess it doesn't really matter, because the people I used to Tangst with mostly don't post anymore (I certainly don't), but it seems a little bit like the end of an era. I'm also turning twenty this week, so I guess the "t" part of Tangst would have been inappropriate anyway. (Anyone up for a "Twenty Something Angst Central?"--"the economy's bad for college grads/" "I can't find off-campus housing"/ "My parents still don't understand me"?)
So: so long, Tangst. It's been fun. May you all remember the glory days when we all wanted to hug "box-box," "Tinted" wrote all his poetry, and "PChis" and I were soulmates.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dear Admin,
Hey, OP here from the first two comments up here right now... can you please not post them? My boyfriend started reading this and I'm completely positive 100% that he'll know who I am. Isn't revealing yourself breaking the rules or something? Pleeeease don't post them. Thanks.
Regards,
OP from first two comments.
Anonymous
12:56:00 AM
5/17/2009
Here's something frustrating:
My whole life, I've been that brooding, artsy poet girl. I write sweet, delicate poetry for my boyfriend, who I also thought was brooding and poetic like me, and he calls me "cheesy." Cheesy!! And he sees me as the elementary school girl handing him a valentine! And I hate that! And I am totally capable of looking at my writing from a neutral perspective, and honestly, I really don't think it's cheesy. At least not this past one. So I'm trying to decide if I just shouldn't waste my efforts on him any more, or if I should keep vying for his affection and recognition that I am NOT CHEESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous
07:32:00 PM
5/13/2009
Every electron in my body buzzes for want of you.
Your presence.
Your body.
Your attention.
And part of me wants to hurt you so that you chase after me in words, like you did for her.
And part of me wants to keep showering you with poetry in hopes that you'll reciprocate.
And part of me wants to stop doing sweet deeds, hoping you'll do something for me.
But part of me knows you won't.
And part of you knows you won't, you never will, because you don't love me like you did her.
If she was never nice to you, never a good girlfriend, never gave a fuck about you, why did she get all of your attention? Is that what I have to do? Be a complete bitch to you?
If you don't write me love poems, nobody on this Earth ever will.
I've told you but you pretend not to listen. You admitted you can't make me happy the way I want you to. And I salvaged it, told you you do make me happy in all these small ways.
But still, I'm so irreparably jealous that she got your romance.
Anonymous
04:12:00 PM
5/12/2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I leave for "home" tomorrow.
Though this summer's activities will mirror those of last summer's my general outlook has changed dramatically. Since I graduated with a boiling hatred of all of the people I was ever close to in high school, last summer was the best summer of my life. I could run away and kick the dirt in their faces and never, never, never look back. Every smile was a huge "fuck you" to everyone who wrote me off as a bitch or a whore or a crazy person. I was free of them and what they thought would never, ever matter again. They didn't know who I was and they still don't know. Their b, not mine.
This summer I leave these mountains knowing the absolute greatest people I've ever met. Instead of running far, far away from here I'm being dragged kicking and screaming. Sure I will laugh with my neighborhood friends back home- we'll party and go nuts and spend the summer shining like water under the sun. I will frown on the inside, though. I don't know if I can be truly whole and happy knowing that I'm not with the people to whom I belong.
Anonymous
09:34:00 PM
5/11/2009
I'm having major issues accepting my own mortality. Has everyone already realized that they're really, really gonna die? Am I late in seeing this, or is this the next phase in growing up? Am I the only person who feels a clock ticking in the back of their mind? Everything is going so fast, I'm scared that I'm going to blink my eyes and all of a sudden I'm going to be on my deathbed. I'm terrified. I love living.
Anonymous
02:04:00 AM
5/10/2009
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Deprivation, In Three Parts (also titled, 10:31am)
I.
Restless / breaking / from lack of sleep
Dying / but from lack of You
Slowly, draining, tossing, turning
Nothing coming for the weary
Nothing, headed nowhere
Fast.
I am far gone - and
I am done.
II.
I have thoroughly given up on sleep tonight
today, this morning?
As I lay here, thoughts drift to you
Asleep, peacefully snoozing (snoring) across the ocean
exactly 5 hours and approximately
three thousand one hundred fourteen miles
(five thousand twelve kilometres)
away
I miss you terribly, awfully, completely
There is always the phantom feeling
of you at my back
bare skin, full body
Arm wrapped around my torso
ever protective, ever caring
Every shift mirroring the other's
Remolding to the nooks of our bodies
sticking together, gliding against
the largest organs
the most sensitive organs
I want to fall asleep to sound of your breathing
I want to wake up to your smile
III.
Every caress of the breeze through my window (the drapes)
lifting my hair, baring my neck
The air (the cold) a contrast to your breath (the warmth)
with which I am unfairly (surprisingly) familiar (intimate)
The wind (like your cane) cracks the cloth (like my ass)
making it taught (tense) before easing back (the next stroke?)
On and on the pattern drags, lulling (relaxing) me
into sub -consciousness (-space).
Anonymous
02:25:00 PM
5/04/2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
http://www.nytimes.whsites.net/edlife/
Someone write something for this.
Anonymous
12:09:00 AM
5/01/2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
yeah. you miss me. right.
lie to me about having a girlfriend so you can get what you want out of me. oh but next time, you might not want to tell one of my best friends about your girlfriend... like she's not gonna tell me.
see if i take you back after that crap you pulled. your player days are over.
fuck you shag
Anonymous
09:28:00 PM
4/28/2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It's the last two weeks of the semester. I have had the biggest and most ridiculous crush on the boy that sits in front of me in both my calc and physics classes. It's to the point where it's ridiculous and I've been trying my hardest to let him know I like him but it's not getting through.
I'm going to tell him today.
Anonymous
12:03:00 PM
4/26/2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
When life throws a fork in your path, which side should you continue on? Will your past continue on your path or will it veer off in the other direction? I hope I see my past again some day. Such wonderful dreams. I hope the path I have chosen is full of worthwhile struggle and satisfaction. I will meet with my dreams and seize them in the end.
Anonymous
09:55:00 AM
4/20/2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I have made a couple hundred dollars by stealing (practically new) spirit wear from our dorms' laundry rooms, and "returning" it to the bookstore. I've been doing this for about a term now, and with four weeks left for classes, I don't think anyone has gotten any the wiser.
Anonymous
06:56:00 PM
4/15/2009
So here’s the thing- I really like you. I know it’s kind of silly. I know that, to most, it would not appear founded on much. And maybe it’s not. Maybe it all stems from our playful flirting and the attraction I have to introverts. Maybe you just possess those few qualities that automatically draw me in without much consideration.
I mean, it’s not like you’re perfect. You have this thing against holidays that can get so extreme that you let your friends miss out on you because you can’t get over your own insecurity. You are closed off to the point of miscommunication and the edge of loneliness. You are stubborn and disaffected. You are not as respectful of me as you should be.
But then, I don’t really want you to be. How else would we communicate? I am awkward too. I do not make friends easily. But I am friendly. And so are you. And I care about my friends. And so do you, though your friends are not as quick to gain importance in your mind. You are polite to elders and those who serve you. You seem to know the value of a dollar, to a greater extent than most here at least. You have had real problems in your life, as have I. You are not overdramatic. You are passionate about life- running, faith, intellect. You are not content with the status quo. You question establishment and make your own path. And you are successful in doing so. I am stubborn too. You love stupid arguments, but never concede your point. Your disaffection from society is sad, but I too attempt to rise above. You make me laugh. You care how I feel. You possess wisdom about relationships. And you are not shallow.
I’m not sure that writing this was a good idea. It seems that you have many more good character traits than bad. And it seems that I identify with many of your traits I’ve labeled as bad. No wonder I find you hot regardless of your lack of classic good looks. No wonder I dream about you with little provocation. No wonder I can’t seem to let the thought of us go. No wonder my efforts made in attempt to not dwell on my feelings do little good. My feelings for you are like a sinusoidal graph, shifted at least two units up on the y-axis. Except the high points last longer, and the low points aren’t even that low. The low points are the times I convince myself that you have been mean or that you are otherwise somehow undeserving of my affection. They only last until I see you again. Then you make up for it. Or I find out that I was wrong. You don’t let me down for very long.
But you are unavailable. You do not need me, and you must not want me. Like that. Because I am here. And you could have had me many times. You could have broken up with her. But you say that you love her. And I am glad that you can admit to such a deep emotion, especially in connection to another human-being. I am glad that you are happy. I am glad that she is happy. I am glad that you’ll have another blissful summer together…
Actually, I am not. I will try very hard to put you out of my mind this summer. It may work, in waves like a cosine graph. But often when I think of you, I will remember that you are with her- laughing, cuddling, making love. And a wave inside of me will well up with jealousy and passion. I will want to be her, though I love myself. I will remember that I will see you in the fall, but I will remind myself that you will still be with her, because the alternate option is too wonderful to think of. I will not let myself get my hopes up and be hurt in the fall. You love her. And you are happy. And even if I cannot think of you two together, I am happy for you. And I will continue to tell myself that we would not be good together, though in honesty I think we would be. I will continue to guard my heart from you. I will not attach my emotions to you or any boy. I will live peacefully in communion with God. And so I will never be let down, I will never be unhappy.
Excuse the lame math metaphors. This was not meant to be entirely mathematically accurate.
Anonymous
09:24:00 PM
4/14/2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
When I was little and I couldn't sleep, my mom would rub my back while telling me the names of all the people who loved me. She would fill a whole hour like that sometimes, exhausting nuclear family members, then household pets, then distant cousins, then teachers and friends from school, and occasionally (but rarely) falling back on Jesus and God. I think sometimes I faked nightmares just so she would do that with me.
I'm twenty now, and I'm in college far away from home. I'm a big girl who does her own laundry and has a discount card for the local grocery store and always remembers to sort the recyclables. I know I need to learn to be an adult, but all I want right now is for my mom to sit on the side of my bed and rub my back and tell me the names of all the people who love me.
Anonymous
4/10/2009
12:33:00 AM
In my head I know that it's a good thing that we're apart now. If you gave up after the hits we took you wouldn't have been able to handle the rest of what life would throw at us.
That doesn't stop me from wondering though, what if the succession of sucker punches that life hit us with had been a little more spread out, instead of one after another, would we have made it? If you and I hadn't been dealing with other things, would we have been able to stick it out through the extraneous things?
I wonder at all of these things. But in the end, after a couple of years of saying "i love you", when i Actually Needed You, those words and feelings that you claimed to have dried up. You sloughed them off like a snake shedding a layer of dead skin, and slithered on to your next target.
The next time you tell someone you love them, Mean It.
Anonymous
4/09/2009
12:20:00 AM
Monday, April 06, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
C-c-c-c-c-combo breakerrr
What do you do when you have these cyclical crushes that keep you up late at night writing sappy, amateurish poetry and whining piteously about your life? How do you just keep on going with your life and get a new girl or a new viewpoint or whatever it is that gets you out of a rut?
Because really, I have oh so very much had it with this rut and the ones like it.
Sparknotes: I like a girl, she doesn't/won't ever like me, I still like the girl. It's almost like a lame haiku. A laimku. My life is a laimku.
Does anyone have a foolproof method of stamping out recurrent crushes?
If so, lay it on me,
Yours,
Dr. A
Friday, April 03, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
After moving cross country for college, thinking it would make me a happier person, I realize that I've never been more miserable in my entire life. Completely broke, all of my classes dropped, and on the verge of eviction (from my dorm!), I'm at the end of my rope. Further more, I lack a proper social network, choosing to purposely alienate myself with the knowledge I'll probably have to leave. At the same time, going back home would make me feel like an utter failure in the eyes of my mother and peers. I don't even have any idea how to begin moving back, I just feel so hopeless and lost. I just want to drop out.
Of course on top of all of this there's relationship drama. The boy of my dreams is on the coast I moved from. Before we parted ways he said that he thinks "We'll be OK" but I don't know what that means. He's all I think about and I haven't the slightest idea how he feels about me now, even after dating for nearly a year. I'm positive he's going to find someone a million times better than me.
I've totally F'ed my life up, I just felt so pressured even after realizing that I didn't want to leave anymore, I did and now I don't even know why I'm here.
Anonymous
10:42:00 PM
3/10/2009
Thursday, March 05, 2009
A few weeks ago, I sent him a message telling him how much our relationship meant to me. Both the very short romantic portion and the awesome friendship prior to that. I told him how he helped me through the worst months of my life and thanked him for being there. He never responded to that message.
Since we broke up a little over three months ago, I can count the number of times he has initiated any kind of conversation with me on my fingers, despite the fact that we eat lunch together every day. Casual side-conversation, where we act like we're okay with each other, is usually the extent of our interactions. Today he casually asked how I was doing. When I responded with a "been better", he wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to scream at him that there was no point in trying to pretend like he cared about me now.
But before all this, he was the only one that helped. When I was around him, I didn't feel like I was putting on the same show of being happy as I was with everybody else. It was genuine. Now that things have only gotten worse, I feel like I should be distancing myself from him, instead of trying to get back what we had before. But I can't. I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that could maybe help me again someday. So I'm taking this awkward, fake civility over nothing. Not being over him is bad enough, I don't think I could handle losing him forever.
Anonymous
3/05/2009
08:18:00 PM
I like my best guy friend here, who has a girlfriend somewhere far away. I think he's really cool for many reasons and I can identify with him better than most here, but truthfully I think I like him most out of convenience and lack of someone better in my life at the moment. I should get over him, because we're just not going to happen (though if he didn't have a girlfriend we totally would... Is it bad that we're flirty enough that I can tell that?). But honestly, I don't really want to get over him. It's so much more fun and easier to keep hoping that "someday, maybe..."
Anonymous
3/01/2009
11:00:00 PM
The Boy I just hooked up with last night: Really pretty, interesting, grating and annoying personality.
The Boy I have a crush on: Not bad looking, extraordinarily egotistical and pseudointellectual.
My "constant" boy: Pretty damn ugly, really, REALLY funny, can be a total dick when everyone else is around, also has an ego problem, makes me happy.
I wish I could find a boy who I liked for most of his characteristics instead of just a few.
Anonymous
2/28/2009
04:58:00 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I've liked him since last semester when my suitemate heard me in the bathroom and invited me to share wine with her and some friends. Call me intellectually promiscuous but there was something about the way he argued philosophy and politics that I found so HOTT. He's not that bad looking, either. Well, his hair is icky but I don't care all that much. This semester we are in a creative writing class together and he told another girl in the class that he really likes me. Awesome, right?
Complications: I am in an "open" relationship. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but neither of us are really single and I don't have any problems just hooking up with this guy but I can't see myself in a relationship and I'm not sure if he just wants my booty. Also, the day my friend told me that he likes me I got a text message from one of my really good (drama queen) friends that said "I am 100% totally crushing on [him]." Lame. I liked him first. He likes me. He doesn't like her at all and only hangs out with her because I'm around her all the time.
I want to be with him so badly but I don't know what to do! I thought drama disappeared in college but I was dead wrong.
Anonymous
2/26/2009
12:31:00 PM
I'm afraid I can never be satisfied having just one person. Whenever I get in a relationship,after about a week or two, I already want out and subconsciously I start to sabotage it. Well, this time, I'm with a really good guy. A great guy. Smart, funny, sweet, considerate, everything I don't deserve. He's also kind of clueless and inexperienced. But there's this other guy who I've kissed before who told me we'd never be more than friends with benefits. He's a complete ass. Arrogant, self-centered, but incredibly sexy. He knows exactly what he's doing. And I can't forget him. He started texting me again last night and I think something might happen with us again. The sad thing is I feel exhilarated. But I'm also terrified of breaking my boyfriend's heart. He's so fragile already.
Anonymous
2/23/2009
02:56:00 PM
when will you being so immature and irritable? stop isolating yourself. we've been friends since we were 12. now we're 16 and i guess we changed because everything you do makes me upset.
you are so pathetic and you are ruining your senior year.
stay alone if that's what you wish...it's not much of my problem anyways
come back to me once you open your mind and your heart, because right now you are just a miserable island and you're too fucked up, not in a good way.
PEACE
Anonymous
2/22/2009
01:19:00 PM
I just got back from being DD at this beyond huge kegger. Being DD usually sucks, but this time was just so, so bad. My boyfriend got plastered and kissed 4 different girls and then when I called him out, clung to me the entire fucking night. He was one of those crying drunks too, he kept crying and hugging me and spilling his nasty beer all over me. Very unattractive. So then I'm trying to round everyone up, and I guess I just didn't realize how uncontrollable drunk people are. It's sort of funny, but I just get in this existential state of mind when this happens. Arghh just needed to vent about my crazy night. Thank you.
Anonymous
2/22/2009
02:00:00 AM
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
this summer, before you leave for college, i am going to tell you that i'm in love with you.
and at least that way if it fails miserably, i'll never have to see you again.
i would tell you now, but you're also a girl. i guess this means i'm more afraid of people thinking i'm gay than i'm afraid of being rejected.
Anonymous
2/08/2009
11:16:00 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sorry Boys and Girls
My bad on not posting these things earlier guys; I've been both busy and extraordinarily lazy these days.
I also apologize for the formatting. I had to knock out 11 in short order so I didn't format them in the normal style.
-PChis
THE ROPE
I go places, wondering if you'll be there. I admire myself through your eyes. Oh yes, I recognize obsession, with it's warm distorted view of my world. You've made me let go of meaningless things that meant everything; lost jewelry, tombstones, chestnut colored horses; things I once hold on to to survive. Thank you. But I wonder, when you're gone, will I completely lose my grip?
Anonymous
1/14/2009
08:01:00 PM
Five girls lying in the dark, trying to be quiet as we wait for my mom to fall asleep, muffled giggles escaping here and there.
Four girls sneaking out of the house, E already asleep, I know she's faking, but I don't tell, the others are too excited by the possibilities of tonight to notice.
Three boys we meet in the park, the ones that our guy friends who care told us to stay away from, but flirting with danger, so to speak, is too enticing.
Two. The number of times we have to stop the boys from following us back, we don't want them to know where I live.
One night we let loose. We're the good girls, we don't do things like this. It wasn't all that bad, but it's enough to make us feel like we're living on the edge. Something we may never mention again but when we pass each other in the halls we'll laugh and think ourselves in control.
Anonymous
1/14/2009
07:53:00 PM
When we snuck to the ridge it was harder to tell whether it was closer to dawn or dusk, and as tiny speakers played music without words you revealed a side of yourself that I had never seen. It was there, as you carefully explained the rotating constellations and in the way you held me, protectively, in your arms to keep me warm. I was happy to endure the teasing glances of our friends as i traced patterns on your cheek because I know they approve, and later as they slept, I curled myself into your chest and found myself in the place I most wanted to be.
Anonymous
1/14/2009
07:34:00 PM
the people posting on here are sad. You all should be happy. Become happy by watching this awesome video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw4MQ3c8oYw
:D
envoi
1/14/2009
04:36:00 AM
Yesterday I bought a pack of cigarettes. Since I had filled in my mail-in ballot while I was still seventeen, this was the first really grown-up thing I had done since my eighteenth birthday.
Like most rites of passage it was easier than I had imagined. I specified which brand, let the man at the counter inspect my ID, and declined his offer of matches. Nobody looked surprised and I walked home, feeling a little older.
The remorse that came afterwards made me feel older still.
It was not my money and not my lungs, but somebody paid and somebody will smoke them, someone I am fond of, and I am using him and his addiction to fuel my own rebellion. I am in no position to make him quit but I shouldn't be an enabler. He could quit now if nobody gave him cigarettes, but somebody will always give him cigarettes because he has such a beautiful smile.
I could say that I did it for love but I don't think I love him.
Anonymous
1/13/2009
08:16:00 PM
I had a dream last night that finally made me realize:
I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, I've just learned to live without him. When I visited high school and he went out of his way to come talk to me I was nervous, happy, sad, and all sorts of other things. This is so hard to come to terms with but it's true. In the dream we were back together and he held my hand and kissed me and everything in the world was fine. He's all I think about with my other boyfriend.
Damnit.
Anonymous
1/12/2009
12:33:00 PM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)