Confessions I just kind of need to get rid of:
1. I find myself increasingly attracted to my new boss and he's like late twenties or thirties...I'm 17. Can't help it. He smells nice, he's funny, and his hands are so big...ugg how can I not fantasize? (Don't worry I'm never going to act on it.)
2. I kind of cut myself on the wrist with a pair of scissors but not very big and hardly any blood (more like scratches) and was almost disappointed when no one noticed. But not going to do it again because a)I'm a wimp and I don't like pain and b)I didn't really find much release from it and c) I've seen what cutting has done to several of my friends and I don't want to become that.
3. My crush for over 2 years asked someone out recently. It's like being run over again every time I see them together and I can't sleep at night and still feel like crying all the time, over a week later. He's one of my closest friends and talking to him just makes me miss and love him more and I still can't get over the jolt I feel every time I see him.
4. I can't help but feel really, really ugly and wonder if my plainness and my size are what makes him not want me. I'm told I'm beautiful but I can never tell if it's just out of kindness (i.e. my mother and my close guy friends who say lots of girls are beautiful) I wish I had the self-control to just eat less and though I don't want to be caught up in an eating disorder, I do want to be skinny. I'm not fat, just have a "muffin top" and I hate my body shape.
4. One of my other close guy friends cuts himself because he hates himself so much and I want nothing more than to "save" him and show him love that he's never known before. We'd be perfect together except he loves this other girl (who has a boyfriend) with all of his heart and I don't think there's room for me. We make jokes all the time about being together and flirt a lot. I'm definitely attracted to him on so many levels. How do I draw him out and make him realize even if she isn't here I am?
So, basically, right now I feel hideous inside and out. If you read all of this whining, thank you. I don't want to burden all of my friends with this when they need me so much more than I need them.

Anonymous
08:45:00 PM
3/02/2008