Life is such a waste when you can't feel anything.
Life is so much easier when you can't feel anything.
I wish I could feel nothing for a while longer.
Perhaps forever?
Maybe not.
Maybe it's the drugs talking.
Maybe I just need to sleep.
Anonymous
02:11:00 AM
4/10/2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Pshhh
For God's sake, I am so tired of this shit. Does anyone among you, our silent public, go out and do what you want? In practice, the whole polite society thing is just really not working out. First you have your dreams and as a kid you chase them and hope that you actually catch them. Then you grow up a little and you realize that it doesn't always work that way, that most of the time the dreams will elude you. But you have dreams, and there's still a distinct part of you that wants those dreams to come true. But then you grow up more and you chase fewer still and it becomes all about playing the game and if you want to get along you have to go along. And I'm fuckin tired of getting along. And of not having dreams anymore. Why aren't we doing anything about anything? Am I alone in this... do you people go out and do what you want? I don't mean save the whales and the world and the rain forest... I just mean go get the waffle instead of your eggs.
For myself, I don't have any dreams left. I don't want to do anything, be anyone, be with anyone, write anything, and I certainly don't want to want anything at all. I'm ready for sleep, sex, magic cards and smash brothers. (- sex, that's one of those dream aims) Fuck. Life... God damn.
O Brave New World: Confessions of a Madman
Let me preface this by saying my return is not to indulge a prior..poetic..reputation that used to appear on this black background a long time ago, but because of the very principles of this site: to say that which must be said. I will lapse into eloquence and blunt speech as my exhausted mind wills, and I may not entirely make sense. But I am now paying the price for quite literally keeping my thoughts and emotions exclusively to myself (and perhaps one not-so-subtle Dr. in our midst). This is not some experimental poetry, or a series of witty abstract narratives, or a series of lyrical lines (some mine, some not) that have looped their ways around my head. This is perhaps the most dangerous essay I will have ever written; because this is the most honest essay I will have ever written. I will be cryptic and frantic and incoherent and inconsolable and maybe I will gain something from it, or maybe you will gain something from it. I'm not sure how long this rant/stream-of-consciousness/mental rollercoaster clusterfuck will go on. I am not drunk. I am not under the influence of some experimental drug. I am merely insane with so much to say....
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years.
I am spilling. No, no no no that's not strong enough, thats not violent enough, I'm not spilling I'm breaking/cracklingSTATIC there is somethingSOMETHING arching down my limbs like some adrenaline-lightning. something that sparks that burns that looks like veins against an X-ray but couldnt possibly be veins. veins are too conventional, too Flesh & Blood human. and god(God?)DAMN it would be too easy to be Flesh & Blood human. BUt no no no no no no n oashasoghasjhgasgd we had to be the STATIC kind the kind that splinters and ConTOrTs itself into mental gymnastics reserved for the electrocuted and most cruelly tortured. I was fixed
I was fixed I was FIXED/Cured/Baptised in the waters of the well
Rewired.
I was rewired. I must remain rewired. Seneca----->> "A Liar MUST be good at remembering". He as wise as he was old as he is dead. I am a liar. There are rules. How many people am I???? Every class I am anew like some twisted phoenix. I am music I am military I am poet I am shy I am the extroverted hurricane I am sweet I am a 10lbs of douche in a 2lbs bag I am Government I am INDIE I am quietly conceited I am the Director and the Customer and the Customer is always Right. The Process: I shake your hand I get your name I map your personality I use you. But I'm good. Oh I'm very good. But I would change for you (<--but that's a lie! I am efficient I am resolute I am safe.---)--> I am too safe I am undone.
"Oh stop being so safe." That's the bitch about text messages right? The tone. The tone is gone. How did you say it? Was it teasing, with a grin on your face? Was it apathetic, with frustration down your neck? Was it said in a commanding whisper- like some relentless last words? I will never know. Was it then or the night before I was too safe? The night where some God or Fate or FairyFuckFest made the sky glow. And not that retarded Chernobyll/Disney fake alien glow. It was as if someone spilled all the celestial glitter from their galactic Arts & Crafts table...all over the horizon. It was cold that night. So we (strangers) cuddled (what a stupid word....I hate that word it completely de-values a beautiful situation into something childish) We shared warmth and words because it was cold and quiet. But of course it was cold, its always fucking cold when youre with the one you love (a crucified word if one was ever written). Because what? The Sun has 7 other mistresses. Earth is just another bitch in the flock. I wasnt mad, I'd be bitter too, and at least now that I'm lonely it's a nice 63F outside. The Sun cheats. I am too safe. The Sun cheats.
When I was 5 years old I had just seen The Little Mermaid for the first time, and even though I was by no means a mermaid princess, I, a child who had his assumptions that Disney knew the proper channels when it came to love, went into Mrs. Cardwell’s yard and started to play “She loves me/ She loves me not” with her new flowers. shelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotshelovesmeshelovesmenotSheLovesMe- and then I came to the last petal. What do you do when you come to the last petal? You cheat. We all cheat. And doesn’t that say something to the character of man? To the character of love? We were wired to want and to be found wanting of love.
You shook in your sleep. I saw it. The painting of the irises on the wall in all their pink and purple viscera saw it. The ceiling fan that spun like Nautilus skin saw it. We all saw it. Ive done it myself even, that sickening twitch of the spine, but no one has said I have done it sleeping. But I saw it move you. Our legs were overlapped (perfectly in place) like Lincoln Logs, and for that terrifying second it looked like you let the devil win. Your spine straightened and curled twisted, forcing your hand from mine. Then you rolled over and said with a slyness reserved for the sleepridden “sometimes I move in my sleep”. You didn’t move, you shook and the whole room saw it. I held you again and you went back to whatever dreamscape-hell you came from. It felt like every 30 minutes or so you would just shake, like your body couldn’t hold you anymore / talked to God/ met the dead/ remembered how far humanity has come and how far it has to go. And now I have them, those demons and they criss and cross and pirouette up my right arm to the numb part of my face and they show me the writing ont hewall I shouldveseenthewritingonthewalland for the past12orTHIRteenMOnthsYouhaventONCElookedatme*(withLoudNEss)inyourEyes.andIndarknessALightShinesAndthatLightIsGodahsfdkhfskhdkghdkbv57h32wbs6ejd
Jesus could only take this shit for 32 years. How am I going to deal with 75.15
MAYALLTHELIGHTENINGINYOURGRINBEGINTOSTEERYOUHOMEAGAIN/ASLIFE:WHATONCEEMBOLDENEDBURDEN,LULLABIESYOUSLOW,BUTCERTAIN.
That is where I am from.
This is where I am:
I Cant spell Dark it is unreachableandIamlostandlostandlostbecauseitis2008andWeAreNotWhoWeWere. Because all this is some ploy for reasoning some cry to some species that only exists within the confines of my perception but you CHAnged it you changed the perception! O Brave New World With Such People In It- Lets Start At Once! I wake them up and they say You Have Quite a Story/The World is Bigger Now/ it seems like it must be so casual for you like you walk around causing people to just think/ NO. A and B and C have various infatuations with me because of Her and how she’s made me realize the undying beauty of every complete stranger I pass on the highway and how you can fall in one with anyone you devote yourself to exploring. I am a Liar and Ill I want is for THEM to be Her and Me to be ME when I was on that Beach on Saint Patty’s day 2007 and I want you to have Blue Eyes that make me Honest and The ONE person I was and not the Million people that I am from one breath unto the next. For I am surely broken. I am in love with a woman I barely know. In a place too far from home. Who is with a man who helps her fall asleep at night, who has to speculate as to why she shakes.
THereAre6POINT6BILLIONpeopleOnthisbouncingBallofSweatandTearsandBloodandBaneandDryDrunkEmporersThereare300MILLIONBreathingBlessingsintheUnitedSTatesofAMericaButISWEARbythoseIrisesonthewallsAndTheCHEATINGsunandtheLAstPETalAndEverySingleGirlWhoIDontLEtKissMEBecauseTheyMeanAFractionofYourWalking/LivingPoetry- that I am undone. I have rationalized that you are merely another second-class beauty in this world of Bitches and Bastards. But I was wrong. I was always wrong.
You burn so bright, for so many, and are genuinely beautiful. I have to be careful.
You called me last week, in the middle of your Club Softball practice, 600 miles away, and said you couldn’t contain your excitement- you and your team had made the finals-like you promised me you would- and that you would be in NC, and I had to come to visit- like I promised you I would.
It has been one year since that beach. I will come up to meet you. I will tell you “I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are”.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Monday, April 07, 2008
A Lifetime Passed, Two Years Gone By...
In the last two years, I have passed through a lifetime of joy and pain. I have graduated from high school, defying all the odds. Been rejected by the college of my dreams only to be then not only accepted but given a full scholarship to said college. Been hired and fired and hired back. I have landed a job that seemed perfect, only to have it blow up in my face as a terrible misconception. I have been interrogated and arrested. Witnessed the justice system from viewpoint of both plaintiff and defendant. I have been heartbroken by women, only to find a love deeper and stronger than I could have ever imagined.
I have been shot at, lost my virginity and gotten blackout drunk for the first time in five years. I have traveled across the world, finding that all I really needed was a home. I have become a different person from what I imagined I would be. Realized dreams I never had and lost dreams I have held my whole life.
Just when I think that my life is going in a certain direction, something happens that forces me to reevaluate, rethink everything I did. I feel that I have done and seen more in the last two years than some will experience in their whole lives. But all I want is some certainty. I want to know that my life is going somewhere concrete.
I do not even know what to think anymore. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Dear God, It's Me, Margaret
So... Gainesville. A wise man once said it is where the Devil's female fruit blossoms. However I feel increasingly obsessed over a girl I know who hails from this... grove. What do we do, Tangstmunity? What do we do when we're obsessed for some ridiculous reason. I think a preemptive burning of bridges might suffice, or making up a conversation to play out the fantasy that I know is ridiculous. In any case, maybe I just want to have some sort of female contact again. Lie, though, it's much more than that. I want a girl I can take home to Mom and Dad, who I can call on the phone and have an actual honest-to-God relationship with. I'm so tired of all these random hook-ups (count: 0 so far) and I'm craving some actual connection. Please, just let it actually happen. Pray for me, or cross your fingers, or create a damned love potion. Something, please.
Doctor A
i can't believe he got arrested. every single time he goes out with his friends, i have a mini-lecture on how much i really don't like him drinking - not even drinking, more just binging - and tell him to not do anything stupid. well, he didn't listen and then he was in jail for a day. all i could think was "i told you so" and now i just don't know what to think or do.
Anonymous
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Its been one year since I met you. I love you, yet irrationally so. I find myself too level headed, too logical. This one way infatuation has not only made my life dark, but resurrected a twisted faith in God.
Only God could, ex nihilo, create someone so beautiful in face and facet. Yet only God would simultaneously snatch such a blessing, such a carressing of the soul, out of my life.
I'm so fucking sick of dreaming of you. I've endured some tortured dreams. Dreams of cracked and crunched bones, inescapable damnation. But I wouldn't flinch when I drifted into sleep so long as I knew that I wouldn't find myself in that damned house, hearing your damn voice, and always being just one closed door away.
Because that's how its become. We're all in some huge strange house looking for ourselves or someone else, right? On the offchance that your internet glitches its way to this page, just know that every time I call you, its only to perpetuate the facade that I'm "just a bright and bubbly friend you could need to say comforting things in your ear".
I actually want to experience the rest of life with you. Maybe I'll call you tomorrow. Just get the fuck out of my dreams.
Anonymous
02:08:00 AM
3/26/2008
Do you think it is possible to still like someone just because you've gotten used to it?
Because I've liked someone for a really long time now, but even when I find out about him liking other people it doesn't bother me that much but I kind of make myself be bothered by it. And when I really think about it, I don't think I would want to date him.
So how do I get over this?
Anonymous
09:23:00 PM
3/25/2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Bubbles
Like the smallest spheres of air
quickly passing through the sea,
the yellow light from The Above
illuminates our destiny.
Oh fragile films so round and thin
and ever gently upward go,
an iridescent path of light
we travel, rising from below.
Be careful on your path, my love,
for 'tis a fate so worse than death
if you should stray or separate
before we surface for our breath,
And in the light we shall expand
and perhaps join side to side,
to reach up to the sky above,
and wander with the flowing tide.
And as we reach the precipice
of salty sea to salty air
the sun may burst our tiny shells
but to our love cannot compare.
As we rise into the stars-
wisps of air, so intertwined
I whisper to your zephyr soul
Our love, dear Love, can't be defined
My first attempt at real poetry, I wrote it for you.
Anonymous
10:35:00 PM
3/20/2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
You touch my little sister and I will hunt you down, and break you. Not to mention the police will be on your ass like white on rice... so take that into consideration when you plan to beat her up tomorrow. P.S. they already have your name so I would lay low little girl.
Anonymous
04:40:00 PM
3/17/2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/27
/internet-sex-predators-not-so-prevalent/
At last.
Anonymous
10:54:00 PM
3/05/2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
This isnt good enough. I take dry-erase makers to mirrors, I scribble in notebooks, I scream in the car, I blast my vocal chords on some middle-of-nowhere beach. But its not good enough. You will still be there, and I will still be here, forever wondering whether or not you are worth the memory.
So do or die. I feel too impatient to deal with the in-between.
Anonymous
12:12:00 AM
3/05/2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
my sister is being emotionally torn because all of her friends (as freshmen mind you) are throwing away their lives by doing drugs during school, and giving blow jobs at church. and every time i look at them i want to puke, because they are a reflection of what she does not see in me.
Anonymous
08:36:00 PM
3/03/2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Confessions I just kind of need to get rid of:
1. I find myself increasingly attracted to my new boss and he's like late twenties or thirties...I'm 17. Can't help it. He smells nice, he's funny, and his hands are so big...ugg how can I not fantasize? (Don't worry I'm never going to act on it.)
2. I kind of cut myself on the wrist with a pair of scissors but not very big and hardly any blood (more like scratches) and was almost disappointed when no one noticed. But not going to do it again because a)I'm a wimp and I don't like pain and b)I didn't really find much release from it and c) I've seen what cutting has done to several of my friends and I don't want to become that.
3. My crush for over 2 years asked someone out recently. It's like being run over again every time I see them together and I can't sleep at night and still feel like crying all the time, over a week later. He's one of my closest friends and talking to him just makes me miss and love him more and I still can't get over the jolt I feel every time I see him.
4. I can't help but feel really, really ugly and wonder if my plainness and my size are what makes him not want me. I'm told I'm beautiful but I can never tell if it's just out of kindness (i.e. my mother and my close guy friends who say lots of girls are beautiful) I wish I had the self-control to just eat less and though I don't want to be caught up in an eating disorder, I do want to be skinny. I'm not fat, just have a "muffin top" and I hate my body shape.
4. One of my other close guy friends cuts himself because he hates himself so much and I want nothing more than to "save" him and show him love that he's never known before. We'd be perfect together except he loves this other girl (who has a boyfriend) with all of his heart and I don't think there's room for me. We make jokes all the time about being together and flirt a lot. I'm definitely attracted to him on so many levels. How do I draw him out and make him realize even if she isn't here I am?
So, basically, right now I feel hideous inside and out. If you read all of this whining, thank you. I don't want to burden all of my friends with this when they need me so much more than I need them.
Anonymous
08:45:00 PM
3/02/2008
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
anonymous
We’re All Just A Little Bit Pretentious
by an anonymous and angsty writer
In a world where every word is judged,
taken a scalpel to, and dissected until the meaning is irrelevant
but political correctness is key,
molding the world into a monotonous lifestyle,
where words are bland,
dripping with the dull that is the day to day deluge of “damn I wish I had taken a chance,”
exists a group of individuals,
the auteurs of culture,
resenting the very thing that is art,
and taking away all interpretations but their own,
leaving my life dry and lonely,
missing the moisture that was the long awaited public response to my work.
Why would an artist,
an human being,
anyone,
submit herself to the euthanasia that is critical analysis,
a form of spitting the remnants of last nights dinner,
which have long gone rotten in the dewy, hellish, humid heat of an angry night,
in the face of a representative of the freedom of expression?
“Leave me be,”
is all I can cry,
hoping that the oversized and overpowering fans of censorship
will not carry my words away on the wind
as I run after them,
hoping to seize on to the “m” and be carried off to a better place.
But alas,
I am left to deal with the shit of humanity,
the pungent aroma that is secreting through the pores of every opponent of art,
of life,
of the “my country ‘tis of thee” way of being.
And whilst I deal,
they sit in their penthouse flats
swishing their glasses of Crystal
as they speak of the sensitivities of smart senators amongst
their smarmy swarms of social superiors.
anonymous
2/24/2008
06:06:00 PM
Im tired of anal sex in porn, I mean Straight anal sex for that matter, I don't like it much its just not what floats my boat or tickles my pickle but there I am playing the skin flute and that spicy little Asian suddenly has a dick in her ass. I'm sorry if its your thing then great but I find it kinda gross, dicks and shit don't mix well for me in fact not much mixes with shit very well. What I need is a warning message to tell me if a porno has anal sex in it before I watch it. That way I wont even try to start churning out some man mayonnaise to a hot chick getting pounded by some sort of beastly trouser snake only to be interrupted when it ventures into the final frontier. Why must all porn makers assume that Guys love to see Women getting there bungholes massacred? Do women really even get pleasure from anal sex? It really doesn't seem real pleasurable to me however I've never been pounded in the ass so the closest thing I know of would be laying down a big brown butt baby after a big meal. This experience doesn't really excite much. To get back to my point and hopefully sum up this ultimately pointless rant; I don't enjoy watching anal sex in porn movies and in the quest for more and more raunchy porn I believe the screen quality of normal old vag style screwing is being lost in an effort to make porn more exciting.
Anonymous
04:42:00 AM
2/23/2008
am i invisible to you? or do you just not realize that I too have a vag? because you act like you are interested... and then you decide to talk to me about other girls.
are you that thick?
i baked you a cake and then cried into it because i knew you wouldn't understand.
so... why do i still care?
Anonymous
11:20:00 PM
2/22/2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
You know what really grinds my gears?
The gross mistreatment of condoms by so many people.
I saw a group giving out free condoms the other day...it was about twenty degrees outside. This is not okay.
Condoms should be kept at room temperature.
Don't leave them in the glove compartment for long periods of time. Putting them in your wallet or in your back pocket is not okay. I don't care if it's only going to be there for a night; your ass is a hot thing that can weaken the latex. If you need to take them out with you, at least put them in a purse or something.
As for the rest, just read the damn box: it tells you EVERYTHING...
Except this (which is my little gift to you): To test your condoms (after you're done boning), just fill them with water; if water leaks out anywhere, you know you have a breach, and you can go get some emergency contraception and use it when it's most useful (which is as close to the event as you can possibly get, btw).
I'm not gonna pull any of my philosophy on when and how you should have sex (at least in this installment), but if you're going to do it, realize that babies are a serious possibility.
Take your safety that seriously, alright?
I'm sure some of you will come back at me with "well I did such and such and my girlfriend isn't preggers." Well I congratulate you. That doesn't mean you're not stupid.
I have spent the last seven hours trying to contact you.
At first I was mad at you for ignoring me and apparently canceling our plans. Then I just wanted to know you were alive.
I am going to wait up all night for you to call back and let me know that you're safe, because I care about you. And then tomorrow I will find out that you were okay the whole time, that you just "forgot" to call me back or "didn't have time."
Caring for you hurts so much sometimes.
Anonymous
01:25:00 AM
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
You know what really grinds my gears?
It's when people don't understand the phrase "have my cake and eat it too."
So once and for all, I need to clear it up for everyone who reads this site:
The phrase is not referring to someone owning a piece of cake and then being denied the right to eat said piece of cake. It is instead referring to the impossibility of having a piece of cake ready to be eaten and also eating that piece of cake. You either have it, or it's in your belly (or somewhere in between), it can't be both at the same time.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
All of this talk of colleges is really starting to scare me.
I'm a junior with mostly As, and decent extracurricular activities. But all of these people who didn't get into UNC-Ch, or even State, or Appalachian... it's making me worry a lot.
I always figured that I had at least a decent shot at UNC, and that State shouldn't be a problem. Now I'm beginning to wonder, and I just hope that my original assumptions were right.
Anonymous
11:41:00 AM
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I really hate cutters. I know there are complex emotional reasons for self-mutilation and all that bullshit, but for fuck's sake. Just STOP for the love of pete, it's so fucking stupid-- and don't act all jaded and "oh, I've been to therapists and they don't care, they don't help, blah blah blah." I secretly wish you would all cut deeply, the right way, and just remove your stupid depressed genes from the pool. Your life obviously isn't doing you much good, so why keep whining?
Anonymous
08:59:00 PM
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
I hate doing all the work in a friendship. I'm always the one who has to call you. You never think to invite me to your get togethers, and most of the time I don't find out about them until it's too late. I'd feel better if I thought you were just lazy, but since you spend so much time with your other friends (that you have known for less time than you have known me), I get the feeling that you just don't like me that much.
It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't think of you as one of my better friends. One of my only friends.
I know people drift apart naturally over time, and five and a half years is nothing to cry over, but I just feel that this is the story of my life. I make a friend, and we're really close for a while. Then they meet other people, and stop hanging out with me. I try to make it work for a while, but eventualy I see it is foolish to keep up a one sided friendship. I wished it wouldn't happen to you, and I invested a lot to keep it from happening, but there's really no use wasting your time anymore.
I hope you're happy, I really do. You deserve it. But you don't deserve unconditional love from someone you don't really like.
Anonymous
06:45:00 PM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)