So, that was an interesting drive home.
I was going to come home and be angry. I was going to come post on tangst a scathing response to the slanders someone has been spreading about me, I was going to build myself up. But then I started thinking about this short story we've been reading in English class. When reading "The Bear" by William Faulkner the theme isn't quite clear at first; like most Faulkner works you have to kind of reread a paragraph to make everything fit. This theme really fits in my life today.
A lot of people think that I'm a suckup, or they think that I get things I don't deserve because I have certain friendships and relationships. This really bothers me a lot, usually, and especially recently when someone has been saying things that are blatantly not true. However, I realized on the way home that I don't need to defend myself from these accusations. Just like Ike in "The Bear," who didn't -have- to shoot the legendary animal to prove his skill at hunting, I don't have to respond to these comments. Ike knew he was good enough. I know I'm good enough. I know the grades, honors, awards, positions I earn are mine by right because of my skill, and I am not ashamed, and I do not need to worry about what other people think.
Certain people probably think I've been acting like an asshole for what I've done lately. I praise the higher power that I am not accountable to these people. At the end of my life, will I be happy? Will I be content? I don't know, but I plan on it. I want to be. You only get to live life once, as far as I'm concerned, and how will worrying about what others think about my motivations and my actions (when I know my motivations and actions far better than they could) add one thing to the experience?
There arises the question "Can't a guy be wrong about his own skills, his own motivations? What about self-deception?"
God dammit, I'm a man. Say I am wrong, it doesn't matter. Logically, why would I choose to decieve myself? It doesn't seem like a good thing to do, I guess. If I'm doing it subconsciously, if I'm giving myself a little "leeway," it doesn't matter. I have to fix that as it comes up. I can't be responsible for the things I don't know. At least I know what I think about myself. And that is what matters.
4 comments:
One of the coolest people I know is brilliant, but what makes him wonderful is the fact that he would never say it out loud. He gets all A's and got a perfect score on the SAT, but from having a conversation with him it's as if he really couldn't care less about it, that grades and numbers and positions are the least important things in the world to him. Most importantly he would never ever go online and rant about how he's destined for great things and no one can bring him down.
I don't know the particular controversy in question, but I'm sure most of it -is- unfounded and based on jealousy, I commend you for being proud of your accomplishments and striving for more, I'm sure you will do great things in your life, and I'm kinda pissed at the guy who's making shit up about you. He needs to get his act together. That doesn't change the fact though that this came off as arrogant and self-centered. Step off for a minute and think that maybe people aren't jealous of your "skills", they might just attack you because you present yourself arrogantly and always put yourself first.
Just an anonymous thought for your perusal.
Bravo. Bravo.
But what's sad is that you're posting it here to try to convince yourself that you don't care about what everyone else thinks even though we all care about what other people think.
Bravo for taking the higher ground, but it's human nature to get defensive .
Everyone needs their own space sometimes. Let things settle. Don't forget the values, deceny, and maturity that you stand for. This is your lasting legacy and what makes you special.
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