Why tears? Is the shaking, throwing up and crying of emotion shock and release the only way. How does one express one's feelings? How do I show the world my love? Not through these tears. How do they know what it feels like? What i feel like? The feeling of loving someone so unconditionally, so strongly, and then losing them. How can they feel what I feel? I guess everyone goes through it but i can barely comprehend my own emotions how can anyone else? The tears. The guilt. Guilt not for the death, but for the life. I have come to terms with death. I understand it. The heart stops but the world does not. It is the life i have yet to stop crying for. How can they know the love? How, when I never called, never spent enough time with him? Is there anger? If there it is, it is not at the future but at the past. Every minute of every day of every week that I was not by his side, or talking to him. It is those moments i cry the most at. Guilt? How do i show? This is not enough. THESE TEARS ARE NOT ENOUGH! What is enough? There is never enough. How can there be? I do not have the artistic skill to draw a picture, write a poem, play a song. What do i do? How can i stop feeling what it is i'm feeling? I want to feel something else. Anything else. Anything but this. I look at the past and see my failed expression and i look into the future and see a void. He went peacefully, by the way. I took a nice afternoon nap to wake up to a phone call that i wish i never had to hear. "Are you sitting down?" Why would i want to sit down? I've just been sleeping. Why would i want to move? Why would i want to move on? Knowing that i cannot do my emotions justice? How can anyone move on. The world did not stop with his heart. Should i go to school on monday? How can i? My life is changed. And the sick thoughts come. I know that i will get over it. We all do, and must. But how? Where is the justice? How can we just forget? But how can we remember when all we can do is cry? Death. Where is the is the injustice? Everybody dies. Not everybody loves. Not like we did. I have seen nor felt no relationship like the one we had, and its gone. I had not a single thought of him yesterday. Nor the day before that. Where is the fairness? I think about him now. After the fact. Have i learned my lesson? How can something like this be a lesson? I see some of his emails. He always spoiled me. Always asking what i want. I want another chance. To spend the time i should have. To call like i should have. The tears come again. I ask again. How can i move on? Without honoring him? How i can i forget? How can i be happy? How can I live when i cannot honor someone who had so great a part in my life? How can i stop crying?
I miss you grandpa. So much.

Please do not post comments to this post. This was all train-of-thought venting. I do not want to hear how "sorry" people may be. I know that may sound mean, but this was not written to get pity points, only to get some of what was in me out.

Thank you for understanding. If you didnt understand, thank you for being on the same level as me. Sorry its so long.