You are all
so jealous of me, but


I would give
anything if
I could make this happen
to someone else.

I'm just
not the person you
think I am


Anonymous
07:26:00 PM

Lately, I've been having a really hard time and wanting to get back into some old habits. So in attempt to purge thoughts from my system I'm going to do some self therapy and identify issues (I know it's being posted on here...but on here I kinda feel like I'm talking to someone...lame, I know).

Reasons I used to cut/feelings that make me want to again: Self punishment, lonliness, helplessness, hopelessness, attempt to escape emotional distress

Reasons I stopped/Reasons I won't (can't) start again:
1) Theatre- 5 shows per year...I'm always in my underwear around people...they'd notice
2) Fear of ruining my parents' perfect image of me
3) Trying to stay strong and be there for other friends...I'm the group therapist.
4)Vanity..don't want scars
5)Summer's coming...and I don't wanna have to hide it
6)If I start again...it'll be 300 times harder to stop.

Reasons not to outweigh reasons that I want to, right? Let's just hope I can maintain this self control.


Anonymous
08:56:00 PM

i feel so guilty when i don't spend as much time on something as i should/could have and then people thank me for being so dedicated.


Anonymous
10:37:00 AM

i had sex. thats common knowledge except to the person that should probably know. i had sex with HIM, see the with HIM part is not common knowledge and by with HIM i mean the scum of the earth, the alchoholic, the failure, the lustful HIM. HIM who no one knows. The HIM who is seperate from my world at school. The HIM who i continue to lust for no matter how much the HIM hurts me. the HIM hurt me for the last time tonight. He wants to forget it happened ... he wants to forget me. well ok. he can forget me. and i'll try to forget him. but its hard to forget your first time. I am a sexual person. there will be more sex. That's not the issue.

Now to this new amazing man. he is great. i feel wonderful around him. But his exit from my life is so soon but oddly comforting. Do i tell the new man about HIM. Do I? HIM happens to be a big factor in my life. I don't want to forget HIM. I just don't. But this new man is turning out to be unforgettable. oh how glad i am.

oh how i tell myself to please not screw it up.


Anonymous
12:39:00 AM

i want to tell you i like you
but i know it will just make our fake hate relationship thing be more screwed up... i dont like pretending to hate you.


Anonymous
11:13:00 PM

I'm worried. About one of my friends. No, actually two, but I can at least be assured that one of them will give me some sort of clue as to what's wrong.


Anonymous
10:30:00 PM

I hate that you've been such a bitch. Why won't you let anyone see how you really feel? It won't make you weak. Suck it up and deal like the rest of us but quit being a bitch


Anonymous
06:26:00 PM

Why do I continuously torture myself?

You're a jerk, a complete asshole. You're a diva and you brag about sex. I hate you.

But I still really, really like you. I stay up too late just in case you want to complain to me. I encourage you. I ignore my friends. I can't sleep because it makes me sick.

And the worst part is that you will abosolutely never, ever like me. You tell me about different girls, you ask me to tell you how wonderful you are.

What are we, Echo and Narcissus?

Or am I just...nothing? Nothing at all?

If I were to kill myself right now, could anyone trace it back to you? Would you care?

I'd like to pretend you would.

But I know... you don't give a fuck.

So why do I?


Anonymous
12:07:00 AM

Inside it feels like someone is tearing me apart. I try not to let that show but I'm dying inside and I think only one of my friends can tell


Anonymous
06:00:54 PM

A long time ago (the twenty-seventh of November, 2005, at 8:15 PM) I wrote here, on Tangst, about my crush on you.

Yesterday (the twenty-first of December, 2006, at 11:00 PM) you were there at the dance.

It was odd, to see you there, uncomfortable among the elites, those people everyone dreams of being. It became clear to me then: you are not one of them, however good you are at pretending.

but...

I still love you.
I'm still here,

only a footstep behind.


Anonymous
09:53:31 PM

So you're "siding with me" even though I'm being "completely unreasonable?"

Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha.

*ahem*


Anonymous
07:33:12 PM

I'm going slowly deaf. few know. most just think i'm not paying attention when i don't hear or am clueless or something. i'm afraid of what they would say, but i'm also afraid of losign friends by not being able to hold a conversation or get in to a good realtionship. i've had hearing aids since i was in 1st grade, but i always take them out before i get to school. and now it's getting worse and it might be affecting my grades, but i can't admit it to anyone because of my goddamned pride. and now it's too late for anyone to "get used to it." i hate it! and i'm sick of machines in my ears and how they look! i just want to be normal and this is just one thing to many. god. dont' they have surgery for these kinds of things?


Anonymous
11:15:07 PM

Usually I write things like this in my journal that I love oh-so-much, but I have decided to share this maturing experience with you all (seeing how everyone here is of an understanding nature).

Catharsis. Literally, just what I went through. I had a talk with my dad and it enlightened me to many of my faults. Now, you must understand I usually never manage to subject myself to my father's scrutinization, because I generally like to keep my business to myself.

But I feel as if I have been thoroughly scrubbed, cleansed, turned inside out and upside down, and then given a list of things I suck at.

Lately I have been very stressed and severely disappointed in myself. I've been feeling oppressed, depressed, and all the other manners of -esses that lean towards a negative connotation. The first real relationship I've had in a long time sort of went down the drain, I somehow managed to suffer through my first half of the year with one B (which, in enloe terms, is insufferable). I have had a short-temper due to the tension built up around me, somehow managed to acquire this perfect perception of myself in my mind, and created a facade that no one could penetrate.

At that point in time I decided that I was living a resume life. My entire life could fit into one 60 kb document and it was the saddest realization I have ever had (which, believe me, are quite numerous).

In my anger and tension, I managed to push away many of my long-standing relationships with people and with someone who could've taken a vital part of my life. Him. But instead I ended up dumping all my crap on him at the end of everyday. And, in that way, I managed to push him away as well.

However, my dad said something I could actually agree with (shelving my pride and dignity, for once). With two words, you can ruin a relationship that took many years to build. And, unlike time spent smothering yourself in your own agony, it is hard to regain the trust someone has vested in you.

I have spent too much time concentrating on myself and what I want, I didn't even realize I was taking out my anger and frustration on the people closest to me. In essence, I became the one thing that I d: a cold-hearted bitch.

I owe everyone an apology. For being so immature, for thinking that looking successful on my resume would make me look successful in the eyes of the friends that I exiled, for hurting people, for hurting myself... I will no longer make false resolutions such as redeeming myself. But I can try. I have been floundering, I admit with all sincerity.

I thank my dad for taking the incentive to tell me this. I was lost, will be lost for some while to come, but I believe I have changed.

Never allow yourself get so caught up in being yourself... you may just let oppurtunities, friendships, emotions, your own humanity... slip by.


Anonymous
08:17:26 PM

He thinks so high of himself, with so much pride... so stoic, so driven. He masks his emotions so skillfully that houdini would be astounded. He's hurting himself as he does so. For what he doesn't realize is the one he loves most is not the one he says. He shouldn't hide his feelings from himself anymore.

Because she has always been his from the start, but she doesn't fulfill his quota.

Why deny it any longer? She was always his number one priority, so why does he deny it?


Anonymous
02:20:19 PM

If everyone's just a "stupid poseur" then who is the real thing?


Anonymous
08:15:24 PM

I'm not a nympho, I'm just in love... I'm not a nympho, I'm just in love...

I wonder what my friends would say if they knew that their little demure virginal friend... wasn't.


Anonymous
12:44:45 PM

The girl you see on the outside is just a shell. Sure- I'm the girl who looks for the good in things. I'm the girl who's never pessimistic. See whatever you want. But the girl on the inside is in agony. She feels cold and morose. She longs to seclude herself from the world around her. She need to dwell on what has happened to her family and to herself. She misses how things used to be and hates the way I have become. I only see this girl whenever I look at a mirror. Or a photograph. Or a friendly face.

I hate my past. And she hates me.

I also miss her, I think that's why I keep her around. She keeps me company. I'm afraid to let her go.

I try to keep my chin up, but the rain keeps getting in my eyes.


Anonymous
10:47:28 PM