I use Tangst as the ground upon which I experiment, upon which I can build the frameworks of postulates and theorems on the human race.
Anonymous
09:53:26 PM
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I thought I was free - take it once, at the end of my sophomore year, and be rid of it!
But no, my scores aren't good enough. They've told me I'll be taking the SAT again. (And maybe even again and again and again until I hit 2400.)
2180. What's wrong with that?
(I think it's good enough.)
Anonymous
08:02:31 PM
I thought Rashi's article in the newspaper today was almost completely ridiculous.
Saying the women make good "homemakes and commitee leaders" is such a generalization. Sure, there are women who are good at those things. There are men who are good at them too. Also, to say that women shouldn't be president becuase we are more likely to have personality disorders is completely irrelevant. Men are much more likely to kill someone, does that mean they shouldn't be president? Personally, I'd rather have a bi-polar president than a murderer. It's true, you did list many women who are in political power right now who would be unfit to be president - but that doesn't mean no woman should ever be president! Who knows who'll come along? Also to generalize all women as not having sufficient "charisma or popularity " makes me question the quality of the women in your life. Basically, it's impossible to say that no woman ever would make a good presdent, especially in comparison to the one in office now.
With that said Rashi, I did think you had a valid point in terms of middle east relations. I agree that a woman leader would probably not be taken as seriously as a man, and that's a sad thing. Still, I don't think that's a sufficient reason to say a woman would make a poor president.
Anonymous
03:30:31 PM
As of this moment, I hate my english teacher. When you looked over a couple of chapters you gave me a hundred percent. Well guess what Honey, I did the rest of the book exactly like those two chapters. And what did a get? A "D". That doesn't even make sense. I was so close to an "A" in the class...so close. Why do you hate me so that you are condemning me to a "B". How can you be so mean?
Anonymous
12:45:11 AM
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
you check someone's profile and you realize...they go on tangst.
and its like your own little secret. only you know you know. they don't know you know. and no one else knows what you know.
and its kindof cool to discover something about a person like that. or maybe i'm just a retard.
Anonymous
11:54:14 PM
Even though I'm graduating, I can't think of a time when I won't check tangst.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I'm supposed to resent you guys and build a whole new life free from Enloe and my parents and everything that made me a kid, but...that grand transformation just won't come.
What if I -never- change? In a few years the "t" in tangst will be gone forever, but what if I can't live up to it?
Anonymous
10:28:50 PM
my AC broke and i got a virus on my computer that i just can't get off. everime i open internet explorer it gives me offers for some stupid malware stuff. anyone know how to get rid of it?
morethanjustajock
09:49:49 PM
I don't think I like him. I know I don't like that girl who keeps trying to pay me to break up with him (she's a psyco, no joke. I think she might kill me). Today he said I owed him a kiss. The idea of kissing him grosses me out. Why am I dating him at all? Because it gives me something to do? Maybe I should just take the $50 dollars she offered me. No, I could never do that. He said he loved me today too. Rather, he wrote it. That creeped me out, yet I still can't stop thinking about it. I'm losing sleep over him. Every love song I hear on the radio makes me think about him. We call each other 3 times a day, at least and we talk for hours. How is it possible he can be so wonderful and so completely not my type all at once? If this is a lie, I guess I'll keep on living it. At least I'll stay entertained.
Anonymous
01:00:53 AM
Monday, May 29, 2006
Today I hung out with a good (male) friend of mine for about 7 hours. We've been friends for maybe 6 months, but we always hang out in groups. Today we just hung out with each other for no reason really, we just both needed something to do. He has a girlfriend who is a good friend of mine, but I'm afraid he's starting to be interested in me. We had so much fun today and I really want to keep hanging out with him outside of a group, but I'm afraid I'm going to break them up. They are a really good couple but I just have a bad feeling about it.
Anonymous
07:56:27 PM
can i just suggest something? i feel like as the site becomes more and more popular and more of a public forum, every post is getting more comments. as a result, we have a ton of posts becoming "popular posts", when they really arent any more popular than most.
can i suggest that we increase the number of comments necessary to get on the popular posts list? atleast to like...18 or so?
just a suggestion. admins can debate that.
Anonymous
11:08:37 AM
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
When each of us posts on tangst we do it as an individual expression with individual aims, but in the end this site as a whole has become something greater than the sum of its parts. We're creating an art project, a socialogical experiment, and a historical journal all wrapped up in one by feeding and sustaining this creation that in its own way feeds and sustains us in return. We've created a timecapsule of the loves, joys, and (above all) angsts of a particular set of people grounded in a particular period of time, with a level of honesty and truth that would have been impossible previous to this amazing point in history.
Post and post proudly. We're doing something amazing here.
Anonymous
02:14:06 PM
My dad's body is totally deteriorating. He's having brain surgery soon which is supposed to help him a lot but he keeps talking about who gets what when he dies. He is trying to prepare me for his death but the truth is i faced the reality when i first saw both my parents rolling around the house with walkers. That was the worst moment of my life and i will truthfully say that i cried about it. I can't talk about this stuff with my girlfriend because i don't want her to see me in that state. i don't want to tell my friends for the same reason. The school counseler can only nod her head and basically think that the situation sucks. i cloak my emotions so no one knows what is going on, and its working very well. Its hard to even look at my dad anymore and to just think that in a few months he may not be there for me anymore. gone. forever.
morethanjustajock
02:54:21 AM
What I hate the most is that everyone puts this one guy I am friends with up on a pedistal. Then when he does something wrong, everyone just chalks it up to being, "His way..." I feel like if I were to say somethig about it to someone else, they would be horrified that I could ever feel like that.
God, I just wish I could just shake him into being a real person.
Anonymous
12:56:43 AM
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I was having a perfectly fine day at school. Then i'm walking to my locker after class and I see them talking. Not doing anything, just talking. All of a sudden i'm filled with this jealousy, that contines on until 7th period. He was just talking to her, that is all, but I couldn't take it. I know he doesn't like me back, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Anonymous
11:33:13 PM
You think you can just become popular by simply changing your clothes. You think you have friends, but they really talk behind your back. You go for the most popular girls when you know you have no chance. You think you've changed and have a better personality, but you're still the same annoying kid, who asks retarded questions, and tries to show off, when you have nothing to show off. Please stop acting like that, grow up, and face reality.
Anonymous
09:20:51 PM
I guess you could call me the "mastermind" behind the computer crisis at enloe. I helped organize and fix computer problems around the school so they decided to give me a password and re-enable my account. What I really want to know is...who actually cared that the whole thing happened? I mean beyond the extent of getting new passwords (which I personally think is hilarious).
Anonymous
06:35:40 PM
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
You have two seperate houses. Two places you are expected to call home. Two sets of rules and responsabilities, two rooms to clean...
Every week packing a suitcase and living out of it. Keeping a closet in a bag and all your favortie toys get left behind. Dividing them up. Leaving it all behind.
Living two seperate lives. Two lies, in which you pretend like you were never the child of your parents, just so you don't have to remind your mother, your father of what a mistake it all was.
Imagine not being able to talk to one parent about the problems of another, not being able to ask permission to go out to buy birthday presents, mother's day, father's day. Not being able to mention the name of the other or love for the other without the yelling starting. The anger. The throwing things. Almost as bad as before they were divorced.
Your parents running around with weekly girlfriends or boyfriends like kids at school. Imagine parents being children. Imagine the holes punched in the wall and the tight money and the guilt.
Imagine parents fighting over who gets custody on holidays that should be times of togetherness.
Imagine being seven years old and watching your mother throw all the ornaments into the fire christmas morning because they reminded her of your father. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to her crying.
Image how scared you'd be.
You're seven years old.
I was seven years old.
Anonymous
10:25:35 PM
whenever people talk about their parents being divorced, i feel sort of weird because i have No Idea what that could be like. i never know what to say or do and it makes me uncomfortable. can someone give me a general idea of what it's like, in a way that someone with still-together parents can understand? it would be much appreciated.
Anonymous
09:16:09 PM
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
There is always someone better than you.
No matter how special you might seem, no matter how unique you think you are, whatever thing you are most proud of in yourself there are hundereds of thousands of people who can do it better. Not only are they better at it, they don't even give a damn and are going to become a famous neurosurgeon instead. Did I mention they're also rich and much more attractive. Did I mention you suck?
Becasue you do.
Anonymous
10:31:23 PM
This is an official Thank You to all of the Enloe Tangsters who submitted their poetry (and prose and artwork) to Enloe's Stone Soup magazine.
The magazine is being printed right now and (hopefully) will be finished and arriving in pretty cardboard boxes at Enloe sometime this week. Some of the poetry that was posted here on Tangst (and the Etc. Clause) is in the magazine, and I am honored that you took the time and effort to submit it. It is amazing work, and the magazine is a better production for you having submitted.
So thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your courage. Thank your for your time, your effort, the use of y0ur creative mind. Thank you (if I know you personally) for not killing me for yelling for the millionth time "Have you submitted yet?". For those of you who submitted and are not in the magazine this year: thank you as well. We still appreciate it, believe it or not. Thank you to everyone who bothered to put something on paper or send out an email and braved judgement from unknown (or perhaps known) eyes.
I wish I could violently rip your internal organs out with rusty metal tools and leave you empty, broken, and in excruciating pain on the side of an abandoned road so you'll have a small idea of the way you've made me feel.
Whenever I see you, I think about how much I would enjoy smashing your face in with a large rock and listening to the melodious crack of your nose cartilage lodging itself into your cheekbones.
Alas, whenever I lay eyes on you I also have to tell my heart to stop beating so fast and for my face to please, if it would, stop turning an excited flirty red.
I hate/love you.
Anonymous
08:04:37 PM
Look, why can't you just let me make my own decisions and not have everyone going off and having conferences about how awful i am.You've done it before to other people, yet some how you guys just dont understand when we all tell you how assholish you are being. Well now you are doing it to me, and you ask "why didnt you tell us?!?!". You, my friends have answered your own question. Why would I want to tell you when you are so mean to everyone else who does similar things. Stop alienating me among my friends. You guys were supposed to be friends (well most of you) but know you are just being assholes. You wonder why I don't hang out with you guys at lunch, the reaesons are staking up higher and higher. I want to be your friends but, golly jee wilikers!!!! stop attacking me behind my back because you know ill stand up to you if you say the stuff to my face!!!!! If you want to curse me out, isult me, beat me up, please , do so, but do it to my face!!!!
Anonymous
12:01:17 AM
Monday, May 22, 2006
It is 9:44 PM here, and the rainstorm is beautiful- I just went out to run in the driving rain.
It smells so good, and it's so wonderful.
I wish I could bring you all here to see it.
a TWHE Contributor
11:49:17 PM
Sometimes I fantasize about being shot to death in the west gym lobby before school one day. I play out how it would happen, what people would say, which people would run and which people would stay to watch me bleed. I wonder who else would die. I wonder how the school would handle it, how kids would handle it. What would my funeral be like? How would individual friends or teachers respond? Would there be a memorial on Tangst for me?
It's not that I'm suicidal or anything. I just think about it sometimes.
Anonymous
11:27:30 PM
I have a serious phobia of being a burden to people, especially my friends. Unfortunatly this mean's that when I ask them for a favor, or they do something on my behalf and I am unable to recieve this favor after they put their effort into it, I feel like a truly horrible person. I seriously feel lower than dirt and that is why I am severely depressed at this moment in time.
So, to all those people whom I let down, or wasted their time, I am truly sorry. No, really, there is no one more sorry than me at this time. Please forgive me.
Does this make me feel any better, not really.
Anonymous
10:35:00 PM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
We have been best friends for 3 years. We call each other a lot. We hang out with just each other at least twice a week. We hook up a lot. We like and trust each other more than anyone else we know. We don't date though, and I don't really understand why. Like, we've talked about it some and I know he just considers our friendship more important than anything else, but I still don't quite understand it. What's his deal?
Anonymous
10:34:08 PM
bah. everyone is too wigged out to be rational. myself included...
there has been SO much relationship, "i want to tell them but can't!" tangst recently. this is neither good nor bad. but it has gotten me to wonder: would it be a good or bad thing if in situations such as this we could just be completely honest, frank, and sincere with one another?
Anonymous
12:45:40 AM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
"Post anything that you want in comments, and post it anonymously. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Including what you think of me. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like."
I suppose this was originally an exclusive sithgirl blog, but I think that things have changed to the point that the "Including what you think about me" doesn't really apply anymore. I move that we should get rid of it. Any seconds?
Anonymous
11:47:29 PM
Never in the history of mankind has religion created a free and tolerant nation. Seemingly by definition, religious fervor and fundamentalism infuses men's lives with bigotry, insensitivity, and violence. By marrying politics and religion a society is only inviting disaster.
That friends, is why I am pissed of at Islam at the moment.
Anonymous
11:25:57 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
I AM DONE. I cannot handle you anymore. I thought today would make it better, but it didn't. It only made it worse. I had high hopes for tonight, but you basically crushed them. You need to get over it. It is so pathetic that you can't get over this person. Stop talking to her if that is the only way you know how to get over her. Just do it, so that my life will be sane once again.
Anonymous
09:45:10 PM
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Okay, so I have a problem. Maybe it isn't so bad, but it bothers me. I have this friend, see, whom i like a lot, but her personality is frustrating sometimes and she can be embarrassing to be around...even when there aren't any other people around either. I eat lunch with her often, but I want this to stop so I can get on with my life and hang out with people that I feel like I connect with more. Problem? I'm so bad at these things without being hurtful, and I'm afraid she'll be lonely.
Anonymous
11:30:54 PM
i wish you had time to love me... just me... only me... why do i get so crazy.. wow
is it so bad to want to be the only girl a guy dreams about, kisses, loves?
wow your so wonderful, but both of us are leading hectic lives... well maybe just you...
besides... you don't want a relationship with crazy me, or anyone really...
Anonymous
11:03:23 PM
[Admin note: Grammar edited, as requested by the original poster.]
Why do I feel the need to take on every problem that is handed to me, even when I know that I'm completely incapable of solving them? I must have cried five times today for people other than me. What's my fucking problem? Maybe if I just hated life and love and people and everything in between I wouldn't be so messed up. Wow, I've never though of caring as a curse before, and I never realized I had it. Maybe I'm a good canidate for the peacecore after all. Thanks for listening tangst.
Anonymous
10:55:42 PM
This past weekend I resolved to ignore him. I resolved to not get on aim, not check facebook, just so that I can stop myself from talking to him. So I did. He left me a facebook comment...he talked to me first on aim when I finally got on...and it made me start liking him all over again.
damn him for being so likable.
Anonymous
08:52:52 PM
A Letter to the Editor
Dear "A Certain Newspaper Advisor:"
I am tired of your constant, bitterly-voiced reminders that you "only have X days left." I don't think a single day has gone by where you have not said that sentence to me in some form, normally when I'm asking you for your opinion (or, dare I say it, advice). I would like to point out that this is not valid counsel for any of my problems--let's just get that on the table right to begin with.
I am becoming annoyed with the lunchtime meetings in your room: you and a few other teachers sitting around and making smirky faux-superior comments about how administration is trying to suppress the good teachers. Here's a newsflash for you: my english teacher and my history teacher this year were better teachers than you were (I would daresay more intelligent, but that is much more subjective and debatable). And guess what? They have no problems with administration. If you have lame little jokes, make them where I can't hear; if you're as sophisticated and as intelligent as you think you are, don't debase yourself to the level of a petty highschooler in front of me. I might not agree with the way everything is done, but my god this is still my school and it's still a good school.
Finally, I am SICK of you comparing me with A Certain Editor-in-Chief. This is why I'm most glad you're leaving in X days. I hate the way you come in (sneering dirtily at one of your cronies' latest jokes about administration, no doubt) at the end of lunch, and while I am sitting at the computer working ask, "Did you get ANYTHING accomplished today?" No thanks. If I didn't care so much about the paper, and if it didn't mean so much to me personally (and if I didn't care so much about the aforementioned Editor-in-Chief) I would sabotage this issue. Not because you would be particularly hurt, I guess, but because it would be a very fitting fizzle to the end of your wet-blanket career. The symbolism would please me... the last tinny tinkle of your miserable Symphony of Whining. Give me a freaking break. I do things my own way, and it doesn't have to be his way. Go off and have your love affair with him; give him the article I want to write and make up a half-baked excuse as to why I didn't write it (you could have just told me the truth!); you can tell me I'm in charge this time and criticize everything I want to try a little differently to the point where I just say to myself "only x more days" and suck it up; for god's sake, just get off my back.
Let's see if we can go X days without talking to each other. That's fine with me.
I spent the last hour trying to fall asleep. It didn't work.
All I did was end up sobbing into my pillow with the solitary thought of "Why doesn't he love me?" running through my head. I'm all cried out and I still don't have an answer.
But this has to stop. I have too many other things going on right now. I can't waste energy on this anymore. Everything else should be more important. They are to him.
I can't do this anymore. I just can't take it. I'm breaking down. I know that I'm hurting myself with my futile caring.
Yet the foremost thought in my mind is, "I wonder if he'll know it's me when he reads this tomorrow."
(And now I'm sorry if that makes anyone feel paranoid.)
Anonymous
01:32:19 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I just want to be there for you. But I've been around long enough to learn that being there for you is being absent. It's somewhat difficult to back off sometimes, but I am trying to respect how you want to deal with it all and face everything with understanding. It's not too bad and no, I am not mad/upset if ever you think that. I really want to be all prepared for this summer. To love myself and feel confident and independent. I'm still just concerned about you. It's not that suicide watch concern of course, but a sort of cliche' "want to see you happy" sort of deal. I want to make the most of the situation. I am, however, very sorry about it all, my love. Believe me, I can relate. You know you have me. Have fun the next few days!
te amo
Anonymous
11:49:35 PM
Tomorrow, I travel to West Virginia on a USY convention. My parents met at a USY dance, and something very similar to this. They met, they dated for several years, all through the latter years of high school and all through college, despite the fact that they were in different states. Then, they got married and had me.
Do you have any idea what kind of pressure I find myself under. They haven't said anything, but I know they're thinking it. Quite frankly, there are not very many Jewish girls in NC. I mean, there seem to be quite a few freshmen, but I don't ever see them, because they are in the much more inferior BBYO, and most of them are only titular Jews anyway.
Argh. Sorry if that didn't make sense. I was just ranting.
I do hope I find someone though. I have already been told that someone saw a picture of me and said that I didn't look too bad (perhaps they were either on drugs or saw a really good picture?). Ah, but just wait until I open my mouth. I am the epitome of loser. Hardcore Torah reader? President of Latin Club? Effing member of FPS? Maybe I should just not talk at all.
Once again, my apologies if this makes no sense. I just needed to vent a bit.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for about a year & a half. Once we broke up, I was so excited about going out & finally getting some action.
Problem is, I possess the inability to just "hook up." I had a few opportunities to, also, with some really hot guys. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to be a slut every once in a while, just for some different experiences. I suck at being single.
It doesn't matter right now anyway, I have an amazing boyfriend & I'm keeping him.
Jessica
01:51:10 AM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
I am waay too nice to people.
so this girl that is the most attention seeking person EVER and I hate talking to her but I feel bad b/c she has no friends and she has so many problems...I talk to her anyway.
So she's like...lets hangout. and inside I'm screaming no. and I smile and say sure.
Anonymous
10:53:39 PM
We broke up a long time ago. The first 6 months we were apart, you found a new girlfriend and ignored me. It hurt so much then, but now I realize what you did was for the better. She and you broke up. The past few months we've been friends, but that was easy since we were both single. Now that you have a girlfriend again, and I was afraid she might take over your life and you wouldn't care about being my friend anymore. However, the past couple days you've proved me completely wrong - I can tell you still care about me and that she won't change our friendship. You have no idea how much that means to me - thank you.
Anonymous
10:12:34 PM
I can remember the last second I saw him in the hall. I was walking past with a friend. Neither of us said anything. My friend stopped to talk to someone and both of us turned around to look back. Our eyes met for that instant with a spark. Then it was over. My friend pushed me forward. I want him.
Anonymous
09:59:36 PM
I don't think I would be this bitter if she called him once in a while. He's perfect of her and she doesn't know how good she has it. He's a perfect friend for me,nothing more. Why is it that the people who know what they want never get it when they need it and the people who get what they want never realize how good they have it?
Anonymous
07:10:08 PM
I miss her so goddamn much. She's only been gone a little while, and already I'm worried to the point of panic. Why do I care so much?
She told me, in no uncertain terms, that she didn't think I was interested. Why didn't I speak up then, when I had the chance?
Ahh! Curse the nerves that fail me when I need them most, and manifest themselves when I need them silent!
Anonymous
04:51:18 PM
Monday, May 15, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
I hate months like these where every love song, every couple, every story my friends tell me about the cute thing their boyfriend did makes me want to throw up. Where's this boy I keep dreaming about when I need him? I can see him in my head now. Why am I last to get everything? I'm not that hidious and I'm not stupid. I think I'd make a fine girlfriend. To bad the only kids that have ever liked me are the ones I'm not intrested in. Life. Someone stab me.
Anonymous
01:26:49 AM
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I don't like you like that. I repeat, I don't like you like that. For the love of God don't pretend you're all cool and modern by bringing it up at the last minute. You're only going to make a great friendship really awkward by forcing me to tell you that I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Don't make that mistake. For both our sakes, please.
Anonymous
10:05:07 PM
Notice to users:
Please stop double posting. It's getting freaking annoying. And don't comment on double posts - the admins will get rid of them. But if you make a comment saying "^ZOMG DOUBLE POST!!!! N00B!!!!" we can't take it off because it ruins continuity and everyone else is like, "what? o_O"
Just learn to refresh the page.
You are my best friend. When you call my house and tell me to come over I normally expect you NOT to be having sex with your boyfriend when I walk in the door. That's just one of the rules of best-friendom. If you could get in control of your sixteen-year-old hormones for two seconds we wouldn't be having this problem.
No, I didn't like it when you said "Oh sorry I forgot about you!" and when your boyfriend said, "Holy shit! What is SHE doing here?!", it just added insult to injury.
Maybe being the third wheel for the past month has gotten to my head, but this doesn't sound like best friends anymore. I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass for you to drag around lately.
It's either me or him.
And I could never ever tell you this.
Anonymous
01:59:32 PM
Friday, May 12, 2006
Thanks a lot for letting me know that I am not, and will never be, good enough for anything or anyone. That when I go to college, it will just be a waste of your money. That I have no drive to do anything. Except when I try to say anything to help my case, saying that there's kids at Enloe that barely do any work and at least I'm better than them, you say I'm just making excuses. And that my attitude "problem" will hurt me in the future.
And saying that "God won't help you either based on your attitude" just takes the cake. I mean really, what is that about?
Being Asian sucks sometimes.
Anonymous
10:42:53 PM
Gah I hate Enviro. It’s fucking pointless. All I’m doing is sitting here wasting time that I could have spent doing something else, something way more productive. Instead, I’m posting on Tangst. This is stupid.
Even the star of the class isn't doing anything Enviro-related. He's playing playing slime soccer, or something like that. I can see the game play from here.
It's so sad that my classes have been reduced down to nothing. The intensity of things before AP exams is in stark contrast to the mindless drivel we're wading through now.
I repeat: This is stupid.
I feel bad for feeling jelous, but you never take me shopping. Maybe I like spending time (and money) with you too. But I know why you took her. I don't have time, I don't have money, and you haven't seen her in sooooo long. I know I shouldn't feel jelous, but I do. I feel left out.
I tried to tell you, but I felt so selfish. So I told you something else instead. Maybe you got the point, maybe you didn't, but either way, you were so nice about it that I don't know whether I feel better or worse now.
Anonymous
08:43:22 AM
Thursday, May 11, 2006
remember the anon who hated confrontations?
i told him the truth today. he said he didn't see it like that. that he just wanted to be friends with me because he thinks i'm a good/cool person.
he also told me that he tells his g/f everything, when he buys me lunch and takes me home. and she's totally cool with that.
she's leaving next year and he's going to be girlfriendless. i feel like i'm being setup.
is it just me, or am I supposed to beleive him?
Anonymous
11:33:20 PM
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I can't stop looking at him whenever we're together. I sit behind him in orchestra and can't stop thinking about kissing him behind his ear, right below the end of his shaggy hair. I'm so obvious, he probably knows I like him. I can't but blush every time I see him. He's the only guy who says hi to me in the hall. I like laughing at his jokes and staring at his lips...
Anonymous
11:47:51 PM
I really, really want to call Hopeline.
I am feeling really depressed right now, but if I did, my parents would find out, and then... well, shit, it's not worth it.
I just want some one to talk to, someone's shoulder to cry on, someone to tell me that it's all ok, and suicide is not a solution.
Anonymous
11:42:51 PM
I don't know why I have such a hard time talking to him now. It's never been like this before. I want to tell him so many things, but everything important never seem to want to leave my head or come out of my mouth.
I wanted to tell him how incredibly important to me he is. How despite the changing state of thigns, I'm glad he promised to always be there. That no matter what I'll always have at least his friendship to fall back on.
That one night, a couple months ago, I wanted to tell about my attempt at suicide. It happened over 5 years ago, before I even knew him, but I thought it was something he should know about me. He kept talking, and I kept my silence. He remarked that to him, I'm fairly close to normal. The moment had passed and I revelled in the thought that perhaps I actually was.
Oddly enough, a couple days later, I was reminded of my suicide attempt again, this time by a movie. I talked to almost all of my close friends about it, but when it came time to tell him, I didn't. I figured, well, that's not something to introduce over IM or the phone. It's an in-person type of conversation topic. So when we talked, I mentioned that I'd had a bad morning and some stuff had come up that made me want to escape the world for a bit. He didn't question that mentality at all, I get that way sometimes and everyone knows that.
He went out of town a little while ago, just for a weekend, but still. I probably should have called instead of waiting for him to call me. It's not like I'm completely emotionally dependent on him (I'm trying really hard not to be). I should have called, I wanted to talk to him. I should have called. Next time, I think I might.
But I probably won't. That's one of his complaints actually. I don't initiate things. I won't because I'm afraid, and I can't because unlike him, I won't force myself to do things. I've got to have someone else push me or make me feel obligated. It's always been that way. I don't think a lot of people realize that about me. I thought he had.
We don't talk anymore. And it makes me sad while it frustrates him.
I don't understand how I can write all this out, how I can post this for the entire world to see, but I can't open another window and talk to him first for once.
Anonymous
10:25:18 PM
The reason we don't have conversations anymore is because we're always touching.
I can't think when you touch me. My brain freezes and the only thing I can concentrate on is you, your touch, and my body's reaction. I go on autopilot and things occur as they will.
You can't expect a girl to be brilliant/witty/insightful when that happens.
Anonymous
10:22:48 PM
So: weird post time from everybody's favorite admin.
How important does everyone find odor to be in the process of attraction? Because there have been some gi.rls I've known that have smelled so good -- not even by the socially accepted definition of such, but only to me in my craziness. And now aromas are becoming more and more tied to the gir.ls I've known and the experiences of my life. (SB -- cigarette smoke!) Anyway, I keep hallucinating smells and it reminds me of g.irls and other things in my life I connect to smells... Does anyone else find such a positive connection between attraction and odor? And does anyone else hallucinate smells?
P.S
What does salt look like to you, because I've got a definite picture of saltiness in my head and I want to see if anyone corroborates that image. (I'll take "Synaesthesia for Life" for 400).
I lie compulsively to my parents. It costs me privileges, and the trust of my parents. I think that part of what keeps me doing it, is that my parents are so kind and understanding. They always tell me horrible ramifications will follow, but soon lighten up and just speak with me seriously but lovingly of how proud they are of me, and that I don't need to lie. But I do it anyway, and I always end up feeling guilty and confessing... eventually. I don't lie to anybody but my parents. Not to teachers, not to my peers. Just my parents. Constantly. I want to say that I love them, but my actions say differently.
Anonymous
09:08:21 PM
Lately i've realized how fragile life really is. I mean, how do you know that you're going to live until tomorrow? No one knows. Yet we often waste our lives everyday, hold back our feelings, and just so afriad to be free. By the time we actually realized what we have done, it's too late.
Anonymous
07:50:42 PM
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
My mom randomly came up to me today and asked if I wanted a therapist. I'm kind of surprised and I asked "why?" To get along better with her and her 'boyfriend" and deal with "stress" and finding out what I want to do. Great. So we pay this person to listen as I babble about school, boys, friends, my future?! It's a complete stranger! But, secretly, I'm kind of intrigued...
Anonymous
10:18:17 PM
I am really addicted to CSI. I mean really. I love GSR (haha you guys probably have no Idea what that is) and I get a kind of high once I get online with my friends in the afternoon or during lunch. I knd of think my online friends are like a surrogate because my friends at school don't have the same period off. I'm safe online, but my mom freaks out so I have to do it behind her back and not metion the forum. (she thinks they're all pedophiles) I get so excited about an upcoming episode that I can't sleep for several hours after I go to bed sometimes. I also hate how my brother *has* to play Runescape so he kicks me off every hour. Why can't he like something else? I don't want to give up my addiction it's not like it's hurting me.
Anonymous
07:52:32 PM
Monday, May 08, 2006
I am so materialistic it is unbelievable. Yet, I have less posessions than my friends. All I can think about is what I want to buy and what I want.
I care about other things, but not as much as materialistic things. Maybe its a side effect of growing up in a family that was so money conscious that it was scrutinized everyday of my life, and still is today. I grew up thinking that my family was poor, my parents always argued over money. I thought we were under-priveledged, my parents made me bring home the reduced-meal forms at the beginning of every year and seeing if they could finally "qualify" for them this year.
Now I find out we have over one million saved up in the bank for no serious use. Their retirement is taken care of, both me and my sibling's college tuition is taken care of. Why have my parents deprived me and not my dear younger sibling? Everything I buy is a big deal. Every $10 shirt I buy seems to pain my parents... What is wrong with my parents. They let my sibling have everything, then they turn around and act as if the world is ending when I buy something a fraction of the price.
I am not the favored child.
Life is unfair, and I doubt I will get any nice comments in response to this. Because once again, I SOUND like a selfish brat...
Anonymous
10:08:43 PM
Look both of you can fucking suck it because i'm tired of trying to impress you and i'm tired of trying to be something i'm not. that's all i've ever done for you because i wanted to be your friend.
here i was rejoicing in how great it was to have friends, and suddenly you turn your backs on me within a week. thanks.
Anonymous
10:02:04 PM
I crave attention. I will do just about anything to get it. Sometimes what I do is despicable. Sometimes that gets me into trouble. Sometimes what I do doesn't work at all, and I end up looking like the biggest idiot the world has ever seen.
Once, I lied and told everyone I had sex with someone just for the attention. My parents found out about this, by some unfortunate circumstances, and so they basically grounded me for eternity. As time progressed, I was losing touch with the story, making mistakes in my lie I guess, and I wanted to get myself ungrounded. So I had to tell the world that I lied about having sex, I was in fact, a virgin and I had invented to the lie just to get attention. I ended up just looking like a fool.
All I wanted was for people to notice me...
Anonymous
09:30:36 PM
I sat there in psychology, and for 30 minutes, wrote out a Tangst post on notebook paper.
When the bell rang, I was kind of upset that I hadn't finished getting all of my thoughts down. But as I started walking to my next class, I realized that a weight had been lifted.
I didn't feel like I could fly, but I felt freer all the same.
Anonymous
09:12:24 PM
It was a cold Febuary night and the stars were like bits of frost scattered on the darkness of the sky. It was cold, you could see as we exhaled (perhaps a little quicker than usual?) and the great clouds of white made it look like we were breathing the dreams our minds were wrapped in.
I leant in to kiss him on the cheek in that painfully friends-only way. I'd done so many times before in spite of the wild rebellion in my breast, I thought I was resigned!
But I wasn't the only one. He'd leaned in also, naturally, unexpectedly, accidentally...
Startled we both pulled back with the look in our eyes of startled creatures, that same animalistic magnetism drawing up closer again (or was it the cold?) I didn't care.
"I'm sorry" came the mist-wreathed reply, hot embarassment melting chill away.
"It only matters if you do it again." Was his quiet response. (an invitation?)
The cold night turned fire, our lips did collide, and the dispassionate stars seemed all the brighter with our flame.
Anonymous
08:40:29 PM
Humans.
We are part animal and part devine -the soul of God forced into beastly flesh.
We cling, however, to one or the other. Some fight impossibly to be devine, and many fool themselves into thinking that they are devine, and thus with the power to condemn others.
And some do not fight at all, but rather condemn themselves by allowing no resistance to the sensual pleasures.
Most are simply caught in the battle between the two. They fight towards one and then the other, hoping to find some equilibrium.
Is any catagory wrong? We are, afterall, given the choice. There is no wrong choice, unless you go for some ultimate goal and choose a path that will not lead you to it.
It is thus in human nature to contridict itself. To fight against itself. Human nature is not a truism, it is a battle.
Anonymous
06:50:06 AM
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Love Poem #2
i do not know you but i know your hands.
i know fingers flowing along lines of touch discovering sandstone ridges of fingerprints i know joints and the curve of knuckles
rising
falling
steadily
i know the creases underneath the way i know the layout of my childhood home and thus i know that the bones beneath your skin could be my own.
Nanotyrannus
8:23:42 PM
he's senior and i'm a sophmore. he doesn't even go to my school. he just went to prom with someone else and I dont even know if they're going out. when I do see him, I dont even know how to go and talk to him b/c he's always surrounded by people. but when he does talk to me I feel like I'm the only person in the world that matters to him.
Anonymous
08:09:34 PM
I met him today.
I'd actually dreamed of him months before, even before I actually saw him for the first time. Whe came in my dream he was beautiful, wonderful, better than whatever I could hope for.
And today, when I saw and met him for the first time in real life, he was just as wonderful, but I didn't know what to do or say.
Is it common to dream of certain people, and then find they actually exist months later?
Anonymous
12:59:12 PM
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I just finished watching Match Point. Ahh! What a good movie. Though, the ending kind of struck me as being a bit off. Scarlett Johansson is beautiful, by the way, and Penelope Wilton was in it (the same person that played Harriet Jones in Doctor Who), and that made me happy as well.
Ahh, well. Goodnight, everyone. And for God's sake, don't cheat on your loved ones!
Edit: I just finished watching the new epsiode of Doctor Who, as well. If anyone wants a copy, I would be more than happy to oblige.
i wish all of you could see me right now. despite my sunburn, i actually feel /truly/ attractive right now for the first time in a long time.
too bad im home studying for APES.
soul_meets_body
09:48:24 PM
When your significant other is willing to go out of his/her way for you...(i.e. go to your house late at night to make you feel better when you're upset--even though his/her parents told him/her not to--bring you food when you're hungry, leave you nice messages on your cell phone, stop whatever he/she is doing to be with you...etc)...even when he/she knows he/she "doesn't have to" he/she just wants to...
(Damn, that is a lot of he/she's and him/her's...oh well. You'll get over it. Just use the substitution property.)
That's love.
Anonymous
09:09:28 PM
I want no strings attached sex with my ex-boyfriend. Too bad he still has feelings for me, and it would complicate things and end up hurting him. He said no one has ever turned him on more, and the feeling is reciprocated. He was just damn good in the sack. The...uh..above normal size didn't hurt either.
Anonymous
12:42:45 AM
Friday, May 05, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Okay really. You need to look past her, she's not into you and you know that. And I'm right here. And I seriously can't wait forever. It's not even like I haven't told you I like you. Because I have, pretty directly I'd say. And for some reason you think you still have a chance with her I guess. And I guess I like you too much to give up. I wish you'd just open up to me more.
Anonymous
09:35:39 PM
i am thoroughly /appalled/ by this website, www.darfurisdying.com. it's a /game/ modeled after the crisis in Darfur where the player is this girl going to fetch water for her people but is being chased by some sort of militia...
apparently it's supposed to raise awareness about the situation, but i think it's grotesque and completely misses the point.
i'm pretty sure it's sponsored by reebok and mtvu, and i really want to write a nasty letter to them. (there was an article about the game in today's life etc section.)
Anonymous
07:57:06 PM
That wasn't funny, dad. I understand you were just making a joke, but it wasn't funny. Don't you realize that any college education for your daughter is going to be a waste of your money?
What would I do with a liberal arts education? What use is an English degree? What niche will I fill in this blasted economy? What job can I possibly get with my paltry, nonexistant work skills?
You and mom both call me a writer. Writers fail high school. Writers have no money. Writers live in hovels. Writers starve. Writers become alcoholics. Writers die in lonely misery, cursing the world. I wouldn't have minded a life like that, really. I could have been okay sinking into the background, becoming another useless member of society and then fading away. Woulda sucked, but it would have been okay.
It's not anymore. Someone depends on me. I've got a future, now I have to live up to it. And I know I can't.
Good students make bad citizens once they leave the happy academic bubble of utopia where parents foot the bill and world issues seem so important and the greatest crisis imaginable is failing a class. There's no air outside that bubble. Past graduation, life ends.
Wow, life sucks when you're looking at colleges.
I haven't had an actual conversation with you in over a month. Neither of us are doing anything about it, either. I wan't this to work and I'm assuming you do too, but I guess we both have to realize that something like this isn't going to materialize because we say it should. We have to make it come into being. I don't want to have a "thing" with you (as I so eloquently described it to a curious friend today). I want at least a miniscule amount of commitment because, sorry Hun, but what we have right now isn't a relationship.
It's bullshit.
Anonymous
07:02:35 PM
Here's an excellent poem from the 12th grade AP exam. Hehe, I'm supposedly breaking all sorts of rules by posting this, but that only makes it more fun. Enjoy.
We'd rather have the iceberg than the ship,
although it meant the end of travel.
Although it stood stock-still like cloudy rock
and all the sea were moving marble.
We'd rather have the iceberg than the ship;
we'd rather own this breathing plain of snow
though the ship's sails were laid upon the sea
as the snow lies undissolved upon the water.
O solemn, floating field,
are you aware an iceberg takes repose
with you, and when it wakes may pasture on your snows?
This is a scene a sailor'd give his eyes for.
The ship's ignored. The iceberg rises
and sinks again; its glassy pinnacles
correct elliptics in the sky.
This is a scene where he who treads the boards
is artlessly rhetorical. The curtain
is light enough to rise on finest ropes
that airy twists of snow provide.
The wits of these white peaks
spar with the sun. Its weight the iceberg dares
upon a shifting stage and stands and stares.
The iceberg cuts its facets from within.
Like jewelry from a grave
it saves itself perpetually and adorns
only itself, perhaps the snows
which so surprise us lying on the sea.
Good-bye, we say, good-bye, the ship steers off
where waves give in to one another's waves
and clouds run in a warmer sky.
Icebergs behoove the soul
(both being self-made from elements least visible)
to see them so: fleshed, fair, erected indivisible.
Anonymous
06:32:30 PM
I'm seriously worried.
What if there's something actually broken somewhere that will keep me from ever falling in love. I've dated plenty of times and the situation has presented itself again and again, but who knows maybe I'm missing a gland or cortex or whatever and I'll never be able to care for another person that much...
Anonymous
03:36:36 PM
Do you ever look at a large group of people and see them as a bunch of animals for just an instant? Not in the sense that they're behaving like apes or anything, but just recognizing that they're just another mammal like every other furry thing that walks and crawls and that they look absolutely ridiculous all lined up at desks deep in concentration. At AP's today I saw hundreds of kids all scribbling away furiously on bits of paper and had to wonder, would a dog laugh at all of us for being obsessive about something so meaningless, would a hampster roll its eyes?
Animals should be running and rolling and eating and having sex. How in the world did evolution get from flagellum and photosynthesis to sitting in a chair all afternoon for college credit?
Anonymous
03:08:46 PM
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Kaleidoscope Collage
I took the first lines from 10 of my poems and arranged them.
My pupils have shrunk to a size reserved for
Dawn.
If only the sun had a soul (It’d be one step ahead of you. One step ahead)
With a furious pen
I would wreak havoc
(And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?)
As rain slants like mountain slope
You boast a living red
Oh Love,
Hush.
I have seen the doors to heaven
I want Tangst to have the glory it once had. The shine is still there, I can see it poking out more and more from the last few months of filth and unsupportive, deliberately malicious commentary. I have watched Tangst from the beginning, before it was even Tangst. I have grown to love it. I want a Tangst reformation, but it is already in the works. Thanks to all of you. I love Tangsters. I love the drama, and the gentle or not-so-gentle advice. I <3 Tangst.
Graffiti Pastry
10:51:46 PM
aight heres the situation....we became really close friends about a week ago and now we both have feelings for each other, only one problem....she has a boyfriend
we dont know what to do and its bringing both of us down and i really hope this doesnt hurt our relationship....and please no comments about how wrong it is to cheat on a bf/gf and how wrong it is to help someone do that
Iced T
10:25:24 PM
People need the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
properly divided by a world so undecided and there's nowhere to go;
In between the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow,
running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go.
^Snow (hey oh) by the chili peppers
I <3 music so freaking much
this is tangstworthy because of how happy this song makes me.
Anonymous
08:22:19 PM
i am in so much trouble. I can seem to find a way out and i dont know what to do. Im worried. I just cant get it off my mind and i think it will only get worst If itell the truth i might get a break but it might be too late if i lie i might get a break but i might just dig deeper. What should i do.
Anonymous
07:36:54 PM
See... there's this girl... well... two girls.. and I wouldn't mind dating either of them, which sounds so indifferent but it's not that way. Okay, hold on, there are three girls actually... I would love to date one of them, certainly not all three at once. That would be madness. Anyhow... What I'm trying to say is.. uh.. yeesh, what do I do? This is all very confusing, and I guess sort of a pointless thing to post. Um... three.. one of them's gotta say yes, right? I mean, the odds are in my favor? Yes? No? I mean, assuming that I'm not some big hairy beastly thing that eats children with taco shells...
Anonymous
06:27:50 PM
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Enloe Eagles Lacrosse 2006 Capitol City East Conference Champions....everyone should congratulate a lax player tommarow at school
Iced T
10:34:41 PM
yea i was the one who got the list of everyones usernames and passwords off the computer at school and got caught. lots of people think i'm a hacker and its funny because i'm not. anyone could have found it but i did. tons of people are being suspended now and i know exactly whos fault that is. you know its not my fault because i got the worst punishment out of everyone. so now i'm home for at least 5 days (waiting for livengood to pass his final judgement) and i'm back at messing around with computers. is this smart of me to do? should i just stay away from computers for awhile? well in the mean time does anyone want to buy some computer parts? i'll be here till monday. ha.
Anonymous
08:01:01 PM
I wonder what I really look like in the eyes of others
Am I pretty or pretty ugly?
My obsession lies deep within my gut
I didn't eat today to make sure I would feel good tomorrow
I walk by the store front and watch myself go by
Reflections are horrible head-fucking monstrosities
Breakfast isn't an option, neither is lunch
Not if I want to feel good tomorrow
Many things are weighing heavily on my mind
My thighs, my toes and my hideous knees
There will be no dinner tonight
I want to feel good tomorrow
So, tomorrow is here.
I cannot break this cycle of self-loath
I smash the mirror with my angry fist
Bleed on my carpet and stare
Pain is release and blood is art
Beautiful crimson seeping so fluidly
I smile and know this is the way
Now I feel good
Anonymous
10:40:29 AM
Monday, May 01, 2006
I want one of those passionate loves that everyone goes on about. I had one once, and I realized it was love without trust or respect.
The next love was the calm, comfortable love with someone who respected me. I would have been so happy to have it in old age, but I gave it up because I didn't feel free.
Now I want a mix of both. I wonder if it's too much to ask.
Anonymous
11:30:12 PM
Holy fuck. I never knew what a bitch my grandmother was. I always knew that she was annoying when I would hang out with her when my family went to visit her but I thought that my mom was being a bitch by hating her. Well it turns out that she blamed my mother for my grandfather and great-aunt's deaths. He died of old age and medical complications and she died of AIDS. Then she proceeded to tell my mother that she was a complete fuck up. Now, I have also found out that my mother was treated really badly by her mother as a kid. And now when my grandmother sends us gifts for birthdays and stuff it's a bunch of shit. She gave my cousin a fucking French violin from the early 1500s. I always thought that my mother was bad but at least she is kind and loving and does things in my best interest. Fuck you Grandma. You are such a bitch.
Anonymous
11:10:57 PM
3 things
1st thing i keep getting this weird nostalgia for world war 2. like i kinda wish i couldve been alive during that time period so that i could see all that stuff first hand .
2nd thing. i really need to poop. i havent gone in like 3 days. i guess i need more fiber in my diet and alot less cheese. I think i will go tonight.
Anonymous
09:18:15 PM
Love is beyond words. Thats the most priceless thing about love that there is. Not like a butterfly that can be pinned to the page and dried out in hollow beauty, displayed like a trophy... But vivid, brilliant. Alive and flying beyond the grasp of mortal tounge, caught only between the lips of a kiss.
Anonymous
07:35:58 PM
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)