So this is quite a bit late, but still the source of some angst on my part.

I hate that admins/contributors on this site know who I am. I originally joined as a mysterious figure, and I enjoyed it. Sithgirl correctly weeded me out, but other than that I was just a faceless voice. At some point in a gathering of Tangst people I made the mistake of revealing myself to a few others. As one admin said at the time, "Knight_racer's posts were so much cooler before I knew who was writing them."

I wanted to say, "I claimed them because I'm proud of what I've done. Look at who I really am. I can't be real here, and now. But look at what I write, and look at what I think and feel. Know me for who I am, don't judge me for who I've become."

But I didn't. I should have remained anonymous, a faceless voice in a sea of anonymity. But I didn't.

So I say to all of you now. Congratulations. You on here have come to know me for me, not for who I pretend to be. And for all those who do know me, I beseech you to look back. Take a second look. Forget to judge, and read my words with fresh eyes and an open mind.

Not all is as it seems.

A Lifetime Passed, Two Years Gone By...

In the last two years, I have passed through a lifetime of joy and pain. I have graduated from high school, defying all the odds. Been rejected by the college of my dreams only to be then not only accepted but given a full scholarship to said college. Been hired and fired and hired back. I have landed a job that seemed perfect, only to have it blow up in my face as a terrible misconception. I have been interrogated and arrested. Witnessed the justice system from viewpoint of both plaintiff and defendant. I have been heartbroken by women, only to find a love deeper and stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I have been shot at, lost my virginity and gotten blackout drunk for the first time in five years. I have traveled across the world, finding that all I really needed was a home. I have become a different person from what I imagined I would be. Realized dreams I never had and lost dreams I have held my whole life.

Just when I think that my life is going in a certain direction, something happens that forces me to reevaluate, rethink everything I did. I feel that I have done and seen more in the last two years than some will experience in their whole lives. But all I want is some certainty. I want to know that my life is going somewhere concrete.

I do not even know what to think anymore. It is the most peace I have felt in a long time.

I loved her. That is really all there is to it.

But it could never work. I know what I want, and I know what she wants. Twoo entirely seperate things. So I'm trying to move on. I'm looking away and trying to drift away. She knows it, I think. But now I'm afraid that, once again, my timing is terrible. I have a feeling that now, of all times, she is changing. And I fear that my pulling away is hurting her more than my unreturned love used to hurt me.

My dilema is that I've moved on, mostly. I can't reverse the effort that I have put in. It would kill me, literally.

I want her to know that I'm sorry. But I can't talk to her. I wouldn't know what to say, what to do. I guess I hope that she reads this post, and knows that I'm talking to her in the only way I can.

The Tragedy of a Burden'd Heart

I've been secretly in love with the same person for the last four years. She's become available, then dating, then single, on and off. I wish she knew how I felt but I can't tell her. I'm not sure why, because I think that a relationship could and would actually work between us. And it's not like she hasn't shown an overt interest occasionally. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment, or afraid that she'll discover who I really am inside and not like that side of me quite so much. I just don't know.

It is entirely possible that she is reading this post tonight and wondering if it is about her. Well guess what, dearest.

It is about you.

Why, when I have the chance to reach out and seize that which would ensure my happiness, do I cautiously turn and let opportunity slowly drift away?

Good night and peaceful sleep to all souls, drifting lost in life or love. God speed to those who mourn for tragedy which befalls us all, and may the light of hope grace all our sights with the dawning of a new day.

My Self-Imposed Exile Has Ended

Much to the dismay of some, I have returned from my extended leave and will once again supply advice and commentary to Tangst.

Not that this all really means something in the long run, but I am happy to be back.

Good luck to all in Life and Love, a sincere wish to all who are lost in the darkness of despair or who float freely on the wings of an unburdened spirit.

Rantings of an Unstable High School Mind

I think it is really funny that the "Team Member" lists for Tangst, the Official Tangst Blog, and Et Cetera are basically all the same people.

Yeah guys, I'm really bored and I want to go back to the beach tomorrow instead of to Bell's class.

Actually, I'd rather go anywhere tomorrow instead of Bell's class, but sich is the tragedy of Creation.

But I am rather excited, because Tuesday means prom is closer than it was yesterday. Hooray for the occasional lifting of the bleak life view shared by so many full-time students.

Alas, Babylon, why hast thou forsaken me? What evils hast I committed to be thrust into such an unhappy state of affairs?

Hurrah for changing ways...

I broke through a big barrier in my social life last night.

I actually took the initiative and asked a girl to prom.

And then an amazing thing happened. She said yes. A major cornerstone in my fear of rejection has crumbled, leaving the whole structure unstable.

What a great feeling. Thank you.

And now a parting shot from my pool of advice that I can't seem to follow.

Focus more on how life could be lived, and less on how it should be lived. Never let your mind slow you down, because you will die with more than your fair share of regrets.

Please realize that your mind does try to warn you when you are doing something outrageously stupid, so do listen to it sometimes (Exe: asking a girl out = okay; standing in front of a moving train = stupid). Catch my drift?

G'night everybody, and good luck in life and love.

To my secret love

Jenny was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen,
And I wished that someday she'd be mine.
'Cause it was like dacin' throgh a heavenly dream
Just to look into her deep blue eyes.

And the sound of her laughter was church bells ringing,
and bluebirds singing in the spring.
And every time I saw her my heart would flutter
Like a butterfly on the wing.

Jenny was the sweetest girl I ever loved,
And I secretly hoped she loved me.
Because having such an angel from heaven above,
Was almost too good to believe.

And the sound of her laughter was church bells ringing,
and bluebirds singing in the spring.
And every time I saw her my heart would flutter
Like a butterfly on the wing.

This is for all of you out there who are loving (or being loved) in secret.
Hopefully the day will come when that hidden love will be revealed, and the joy will be worth the wait.

And for Jenny, the one secretly loved: If only I could tell you how I feel inside. I sit by, watching and waiting, always wanting to speak the truth but never able to. Know that I will always be there beside you, supporting you through good times and bad, weathering the storm with you, waiting to tell you the truth.

May faith keep you all, and forever hold the magic of your minds.

Let me do it my way...

Disclaimer: There is at least one out there who wants to know who I am. Until now, I have been unable to let them see. This post might just reveal who I am to that person, but I am past insecurity. Enough lies have been told already. I just ask that person, if they know who they are, to forget everything but what is here, on this site.

"If you stop, and think, you'll see it."

And now on to my evening angst:

Earlier this year, I lost a very dear family member.

I am greiving, I promise, but just let me do it my way. I don't need you helping me. I am going to get over it eventually.

*the disclaimer and the angst are directed to two different people*

A Hymn for Lost Love, Found Again

As I was out walking, one late lonely night,
Looking for something like love,
A beautiful Lady appeared by my side,
With a loveliness dreams are made of.

She looked in my eyes and she saw through my mind,
She said "I know what you need,"
And she held my face in the palm of her had,
And whispered these words unto me:

"I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take."

She drew me down softly and held me so close,
it was almost a dream coming true.
But as we lay queitly in each other's arms,
something was missing I knew.

Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said,
"If you want all that love can be,
Then just as I've given myself unto you,
So you must give yourself to me."

"I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take."

I woke with a start, in the depths of the dark,
and I found it was only a dream.
Then I realized, as I looked in your eyes,
You were right there beside me.

We were all linked in a loving embrace,
You and the Vision and I.
And I swear by the lesson I learned in my dream,
I will love you like this 'till I die.

I will love you completely with all that I am,
and I will love you without restraint.
I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

All for the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

I will love you because of the love I can give,
and not for the love I can take.

Is there any way to lock "Share A Secret" at the top of the blog?

Because I really hate putting in a post on top of it.


knight_racer979
03:49:37 PM

My First Post of the New Year

Greetings to all in the New Year. Hope everyone had as safe a travel as I did.

I have a question, or a request for advice rather.

How do you tell someone that you love them, I mean truly love them in the depths of your heart, that you can't think of anything but her when she is with you, when you're not sure she feels the same way? What if you're afraid that the relationship you have now will be ruined if you've misjudged her?

I'm caught here, friends. Don't know if the risks outweigh the possible benefits, but she's all I can think about.

Maybe she's out there and she's reading this right now, not having any way to know that it is her I'm thinking of. If so, I hope she'll leave her ideas here, and look for me.

Maybe.

What is Life but a Perception of Action?

I wake up every morning realizing that I am living a lie. I hide my true self, my true feelings, from all but a few of the people in my life. There was a time when I became someone I wasn't in order to impress people I wanted to accept me. The people passed, and my friendships are no longer shallow, as once they were. But the self-created image has remained, building itself until I feel I am living two lives.

I have created around myself a tough-guy, devil-may-care persona, the person everybody knows me as.

Most who know me would never guess my true self, an introspective, quiet and reserved person fashioned in the style of hopeless romanticism. A fan of soft classical music and watching the stars on a clear winter night. Nobody knows me for who I truly am, and it is my fault.

The worst part is I can't let anyone know. Being burned in the past has made me reluctant to open up at all. If I could have the opportunity to change one thing in my life, it would be my sixth-grade decision, a new kid in a strange and unfamiliar school, to try and become something I wasn't. I often wonder what my life, friends, and relationships would be like today had I not made that choice.

Ok, wow that was a really long post. Think I'll take a break now.

Just a Random Query

Are any of the people that post on this site from a school other than enloe? sorry for being nosy, but i really would like to know. so speak up, anonymously of course.

PS...I don't really want to know what school you do go to, unless you want to post it. just whether or not there are any non-enloe posters.

thanx everybody