I can't do my homework. I'm the smartest person I know and I can't concentrate. I'm going to lose my scholarship, maybe. I used to be a straight A student. Now, I don't really give a shit. The only thing I really care about is what people will think when they find out.
Anonymous
10:42:35 PM
Sunday, April 30, 2006
I've realized how much I manipulate people, mostly subconsciously. if I want you to talk with me about something, I'll lie about it, but I'll lie obviously enough that you'll know something's not right and you'll confront me about it. I get to pretend that I'm suffering silently, and *you* are the one bringing it up, while in reality, I wanted to talk or wihne or complain or whatever the entire time. I'm awful.
Anonymous
09:59:42 PM
I have completely fallen for someone I met on a website for people around my age who live in the same city. It was more than a month ago when we started chatting. Our first conversation, which was more like an argument, gave me the impression that this person was only looking for a fight and not any kind of relationship, but i kept talking to him whenever he was online because i am not one to back down from a fight. Anyway, over time, we started having actual conversations, and as it turns out, we have a lot in common, but we also have a lot of differences, which I like because there's always something new about him that surprises me. Now, we're good friends, and I really like talking to him. I feel like I can tell him everything, and we're just so honest and open to each other, which I really like. What I don't like is that I have completely fallen for him, but I don't want to ruin things if it turns out that he doesn't feel the same. It's killing me inside, but whenever he's around, it's a completely different story. He makes me feel happier and it's just...indescribable. I'm actually starting to think that I (insert L word) him. I just wish that I could tell him instead of telling everyone else.
Anonymous
02:17:11 AM
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
My parents have numerous fights. Many times there is also hitting involved. It scares me.
There's no way I can stop it.
And yet, they're not divorced.
Is my "living a normal life" the only reason they're still together? I'm touched by that, but still scared for both of them.
What should I do?
Anonymous
09:13:25 PM
I had sex with my step-mom last weekend while my dad was out of town. I was sleeping (in my room) and she walked in and closed the door behind her, sat on the edge of the bed, and started rubbing me. I couldn’t help myself… I feel horrible. I feel dirty… I feel like I want to cry… I feel like I want to do it a lot more often.
She gave me head. It was my first time to cum inside a woman’s mouth and have her swallow, but she seemed to like it. She then climbed on top of me and rod my cock like a bull rider. She didn’t say a word the whole time. She just had this look on her face… this look… this look of distance… like she was staring off into space or out into the desert or something.
I cummed inside her. I know she’s on birth control because I’ve seen her pills, so I’m not worried about her getting pregnant.
Should I feel bad? Should I feel dirty? Should I feel like I want more?
Anonymous
04:35:37 PM
He's not dead. At least I know that much. For some reason, I'm more concerned now than I was before. He quite school and is going for his GED. He might be on drugs again but I'd have no way of knowing concidering he isn't speaking to me. What does he think I'm going to do? Convert him?
I miss you.
Anonymous
03:45:02 PM
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I feel like such a bad person.
There's this guy at school, and I've known him for several years now. I think he likes me, but I find him incredibly creepy.
Previously, I had felt sorry for him because he's weird and doesn't have that many friends. But after an incident towards the end of last year, I kind of hate his guts and want him to go away.
And now his presence is driving my friends away. He follows me around and bothers my boyfriend. He's started finding excuses to spend more time with me so I'm forced to talk to him.
I don't feel safe when this guy is around and I'm starting to get panicky. He really does just creep me out.
The reason why I feel like a bad person is because I wish he'd fall off the face of the earth. Or die. Just anything to get him away from me.
God, he scares me.
Anonymous
09:48:41 PM
woah, so i was like hey wassup babe and she was like nothing much dude and i was like, woah totally rad and she was like i know right. and i was like so babe, you like, you know, wanna like go out later. and she was like dude i cant i totally have a boyfriend. So i was just like dudett bummer man. buummmmmeerr. so now im like you know totally bummed to the nth degree. bummed man bummed
Anonymous
09:37:40 PM
I'm am plagued by a disease that I do not know the name of. Like many of the children of Enloe, I wander around and the only thing I have in my head is, "you have to get an A on this, otherwise you are stupid and worthless and there are problems with you"
I am selfish, I pretend to be happy and sometimes I'm so good at pretending that I make myself think that I am. Then I look back at myself and realize my life is full of nothingness besides the grades, tests, and parents, there is nothing. This cycle is a rinse and repeat, over and over again.
I find razor blades in my house and I stare at them for hours on end sliding them across my wrist hard enough to feel them there, but not hard enough so that I will feel the actual pain. I fear pain, but then, what is worse than feeling nothing at all? I eat Tylenol religiously, it stops the pain.
I feel that my friends are mindless with their small, obscure mini-soap dramas and their attention to parties and shopping trips. Again, I look at myself and I think, I am just as mindless as them; I am even worse, I have no direction and I have long been desensitized to my friends's feelings... Whatever comes out of my mouth, goes.
What is wrong with me, please rid me of this god forsaken disease. I feel nothing for anyone, I feel nothing for myself, I do not even know who I am trying to please.
Anonymous
08:56:37 PM
She wrote a good essay. She wrote a damn good essay. She deserved everything she got. She deserves the money and the fame and the excitement and the trip and the adoration.
I could have matched her. I could have even, with a little effort, topped her essay. Why didn't I? Because I was a lazy fucking dumbass, and that's why I was in Raleigh this weekend, not Chicago.
Addie Honeycutt, please forgive me. I want to be happy for you... but human baseness makes me jealous.
Anonymous
11:38:57 AM
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
wet. dirty. bare. in a puddle on the floor.
He has complete control over me, when he looks right into my eyes I lose myself in those big beautiful blue clouds. His hair all wet from the rain makes me feel like a little girl in a yellow raincoat and red boots splashing around with the boy that lives next door.
Yea that was cliché' but that’s how it is. Ok, back to reality.
He’s so completely off-limits with a wonderful angel at his side.
But I entice him (it’s one of the only things I am good at) and watch him struggle with right and wrong. I should be sorry but I am not, I’m selfish.
I touch him and I can feel it everywhere, like an electric current. (My life has become so habitual I don’t get that anymore – until now.) I can't pull away. Then he realizes what is happening... he can't either.
I try to think of other things but I just can't - now it’s his turn. His beautiful blonde head is on my shoulder and I play with that wonderful hair... such an Arian appearance. I was no longer thinking logically, he lifts his head up... his smooth cheek a centimeter away... a couple more and his lips...
Before I realized it I leaned slightly to kiss him gently once (this is a big deal, have you ever seen pretty woman? well it means I care about this guy) and just as the space between him and I was infinitely small, simply a moment, he pulled away.
Though it wouldn't have hurt, he says it wouldn’t have ended there. I’m so immoral.
Wow I am such a dork, a complete hopeless romantic. It just felt so Pride and Prejudice...
This time it’s not my sex-drive...
This is such a bad time.
We looked into each others eyes for 10 minutes, I barely blinked. His expression was longing, mine was sober and sweet – I am such a liar. He said don’t give me that look and said my name in that “you’re going to make me do something stupid” way. But he wasn’t very convincing.
“it’s so deadly my dear, the power of having you near”
Anonymous
07:54:20 PM
why do they mean so much
its not as if they
have done anything
worth anything
at all
Why does everything they do
matter so much
its not as if its
extra profound
or extra anything
why do we care so much
about they who are...
just there
is that what makes them so
unique
so special
so unequivicably awsome
they bring happiness
through something
that is
somehow super special
how is it that we
each percieve
different ones
as the ones
the thems
that our our
very definition
of super cool awsomeness
that one persons them
could be anothers
those
K'lam
01:16:36 AM
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Over the past few days I've been having these weird endorphin rushes out of nowhere. You know that feeling where you have something really exciting and wonderful to say or do but you can't quite remember what it is; like the joy and anticipation are there, now you just need the physical thing to connect it to? That's how I've felt since the weekend, and something good had better happen soon or I'm gonna start thinking my parents are putting mood elevators in my cereal.
Anonymous
02:59:18 PM
Monday, April 24, 2006
He has a life. She is still struggling.
Guy and girl had bonded like never before. The girl felt sparks and jumpy hearts.
Too quickly had she told him she liked him. He hesitated. Hesitation had come with the thought of other reasons and another girl.
...a girl of impossibility.
The guy and the first girl developed a friendship that had quickly deteriorated as it had started. Their presents and smiles. All gone.
He told her not to wait for him.
Months passed with thoughts of him still lingered in her head. Permanent. Still. Filled. Forever. But with the pity given by a pleading person, he gave the girl a chance without deeply thinking about the consequences.
He still could not get over the girl he truly liked. To others, this girl has continued to lead him on. Lead him to nowhere.
Guy and first girl broke up. Friendship has never met with them since then.
Guy does not understand the pain, the worry, the sorrow, the sadness... the despair of the memories they had built together but were now meaningless.
He still cannot get over the second girl even though he told the first girl to move on. He hopes that the second girl will come around some day. Presents and smiles, she has not been.
With all the friends that he has made, the first girl will not ever be one of them. Hearing his name... Oh, infliction to the heart.
There has not been an attempt to communicate but rather rejection to ignore the awkwardness between these two. How in fascination when they walk by each other in the hallway, the three people behind them would have never known that they had a history together.
No more. No less. It's time.
Anonymous
08:47:09 PM
I'm watching these idiotic commercials about removing the gas tax in North Carolina so people pay less at the pump. Of course American's are liable to forget that taxes often don't equal evil, and that they pay for things like roads, schools, and parks. They're also liable to forget that our President and Republican Congress refuse to pass laws for windfall profit taxes for Oil companies that are currently making more money than God by gouging gas prices even higher. Why in the world would President not want to do that you ask? Doesn't he put the American people first? Then of course we recall the job that he had before becoming Govenor of Texas....oh. I knew our government was corrupt but this is getting ridiculous, bad conspiracy theory movie ridiculous. So seriously everybody, we're going to be driving soon and almost all of us will be attending public universities so if you think it's important to keep money in your pocket while letting your future college have the funds to feed you, house you, and give you scholarships then you need to give your congressman an email (no it doesn't matter that you're not 18). Just tell them that we need to put people before corporate interests and we should punish glutted corporations rather than idiotic citizens.
http://dole.senate.gov/index.cfm?FuseAction=
ContactInformation.ContactForm
http://burr.senate.gov/index.cfm?FuseAction=
Contact.Home
http://www.ncga.state.nc.us/gascripts/members/
memberList.pl?sChamber=House
Anonymous
06:42:17 PM
MAYONNAISE JAR and TWO CUPS OF COFFEE
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two
cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with
an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the liquid into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and
favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house,
and car.
The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If
you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will
never have! room for the things that are important to you."
"So...
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take
your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be
time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf
balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes
to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
--------
a uncle... well he's not REALLY my uncle... a wonderful and inspiring man sent this to me and i found it oddly comforting. please enjoy.
- a little bea
Anonymous
12:13:28 AM
Sunday, April 23, 2006
"She knocked me out. I mean it. I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."
J.D. Salinger
Anonymous
08:48:15 PM
Last night when I was driving home from seven brides, the horrible rain storm that I had driven through on the way to Winston-Salem that morning hit me on I-440. The rain was so heavy that I couldn't see nor hear anything besides the rain. I find that very frightening, when I can't even see the road. But something interesting happened as well.. it's hard to describe, but the road seemed to disappear beneath the water. The lights from oncoming traffic and other lights reflected in the water in a multitude of colors, many greens and blues. The road looked as if it was moving, covered by a swathe of fog and water. It seemed at the same time, that I was not moving. In the background, on the radio, a very ethereal adagio for strings was playing, the name escapes me. It all seemed very disconnected from reality for me... incredibly surreal, and very beautiful. A thought that occurred to me during the drive was how I wished there to be a voice-over in French, like in a Truffait film. In French with subtitles because the two always seem so disconnected, or perhaps more eloquent when you must read the words for yourself. Maybe not eloquent, maybe abstract, and it's the abstraction that I find so attractive. Something indifferent and passive, "I noticed something about the rain.." and so on. Honestly I'm not sure what I'm babbling about, though I felt the need to get this written somewhere.
Josh S.
07:39:53 PM
As golden summer rounds the corner heralding the last few months of senior year, many things become apparent (ie.- how much weight i've gained since last summer, the virtues of spf 40...)and yet the answer to an ominous question remains hidden as my crush brushes past me in the hallway:
To pursue, or not to pursue?
With only May and June left, is it worth it?
Anonymous
06:38:13 PM
I came upon a sneaky metaphor in this play I was reading that got me all scared. The characters were on a boat bound for England, and they found solace in the fact that a boat is so set and contained, that you can move about the deck or walk down to the gallows for a bit but in the end their final destination was still inexorably set. I started worrying that fate might be like this, that we can wiggle all we want, but short of jumping overboard we're still trapped on the same damn schooner headed west-south-west towards...wherever. What if I want to stay in Denmark damnit?!
Anonymous
01:59:23 PM
I sometimes forget I have a boyfriend. He's so much a part of my life that I take him for part of the background noise.
I don't know if this means I should marry him (that's what marriage is, right?) or leave him...
As awful as it is to forget you have someone, not having him would break me.
...I love him, I think...
Anonymous
12:12:53 PM
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I'm going out tonight. I accidentally forgot about that and I ate. I ate like a fucking pig.
I can feel the butter oozing and dissipating throughout my body. Fat fat fat. It's unbearable. This supernova of oils and sugars about to explode through my veins. Intravenous death. It's just sitting there as I type this. It makes its presence known. I can feel it weighing my body to the ground. Just waiting to spread to my stomach. I need to get rid of it. Fast. Just like whenever I fuck up, I need a shower. I need to turn on the shower and the bathroom fan and rid my body of such injustice I've shown it.
It's the only way I'll have confidence enough to talk to you.
You're my inspiration, don't you feel special? <3
Anonymous
05:07:04 PM
i was so excited when you waved at me, because it meant that you weren't weirded out by what happened on the weekend. i mean, you -never- waved at me before. this was definitely a step forwards.
but a few minutes later i realized you were probably waving at someone behind me. ACK.
and then there i was... in a van... waving back like a maniac.
Anonymous
04:37:47 AM
Friday, April 21, 2006
ummm, enloe kids....a friend pointed out to me that the picture on the front page of the paper that came out today has an interesting feature in the...er...lower region...i wanted the person in that picture to see it and clarify it before it spread around the school some more.
it may just be the shading of the picture...maybe you have your hand in your pocket...but everyone assumed otherwise.
Anonymous
10:41:44 PM
I am a Christian, in most senses of the word. I believe in God, and in Jesus as the son of God who died on the cross to save us.
However, I also think that most other religions are equally as acceptable. I think that Siddhartha Gautama had some really good ideas. I agree with a lot of the Islam teachings. I also share some of the Hinduism beliefs, in that there are different manifestations of a single god all over. Honestly, many of these religions practice very similar ideals and I think that they're probably all right, in a way.
I'm pretty much okay with my beliefs, but I was just thinking this afternoon...Does this make me a Christian open to other religious pathways, or a religious person with no specific denomination?
Not really angst so much as something I wanted to get out...feel free to state your own opinions, philosophies, whatever, because I really like reading that type of stuff.
Anonymous
05:52:07 PM
Perfection
What is perfection?
"No one is perfect"
They all say
In your own head
In your own soul
Everyone is their own perfection
Is one not perfect in the eyes
Of sociaty if
They have flaws?
What if...
It is the flaws
That make us perfect?
Is one not accepted
If they do done conform
To society?
what if...
It is our spirits
Our rebellion against
The giant
Of society
That is perfection?
Is it uncooth to
Break a law
To fight?
What if...
It is our very nature
That causes these
And that in itself
Is perfection?
"No one is perfect"
They all say
What if...
We are all perfect
In our own little way?
K'lam
12:51:27 AM
I'm so confused by you.
I thought you liked me.
And at first I only liked you because you liked me. Because no one had ever liked me.
And now you've trapped me into falling into the abyss that is love. But I can't find you anywhere in it.
Do you like me as a man? Or just as a person? Please tell me...
Anonymous
12:36:37 AM
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Stuco Elections are tomorrow and with the recent "going downs" at Tangst with the removal of Keri Judd and Reed Watson's post for support, I'd like to restate that would still both appriciate your vote(Keri Judd-Senior Class President, Reed Watson-Senior Class Vice-President). Looking out for the Senior Class of 07(OH SEVEN!), they wish to bring you the best year possible, next year and this can only be done through students support and votes. Look to them for leadership, friendship, and awesome senior years-ship, when you are voting tomorrow in your respective homerooms. Voting is important, no matter who for and students must get active or the next year will go by unremember if something isn't done. Make your decisions wisely rising Seniors and VOTE!
Thank you as always and happy posting
Anonymous
09:31:39 PM
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
You tell me how to treat him. How to talk to him. How to see who he "really" is. You've known him longer, that's very true. You've had years to create what you think is the "real" him, and pin all your cynicism and hatred on him, calling them the byproducts of unrequited love.
You also lost him.
You say I'm a mirror image of you before you got disillusioned. Then why is it that I still have him, and you don't? And why should I take advice from you that he rejected?
I may be dreaming, yes. Don't wake me. I've gone sleep-deprived for too long.
Anonymous
11:09:20 PM
What do you guys think of this as the Key Club Dance idea for next year? (NOTE: this is all very very very tentative, but I want to try and gauge interest and hear suggestions/possible problems that I might not have thought to make.)
So, it would be like a dance marathon (think 1930s, where people danced until they dropped to escape the bitter horrors of the depression!) and it would probably last 10-12 hours overnight, and the idea is that you sign up to attend in teams (maybe of four?) and the registration cost would be like $120 per team (it is a charity dance, all of this money would go to charity... that's like 30 dollars per person...but to make it worth it, we would need around that much) and someone from your team would have to be dancing the entire time, though you could all dance if you wanted to, or dance in shifts or whatever. The money goes to "Doctors Without Borders" and with that kind of money (10k, assuming 100 teams sign up... eh.) they could do a freaking lot.
Anyway, how it would work is this. Every hour would be a decade, starting in the 1910s with Tin Pan Alley stuff, Jazz in the 20s, Depression Era Music (blues, jazz), 40s music, 50s rock precursors, 60s swing and stuff, 70s disco and hiphop, 80s new wave, rap, 90s tasteful rap and pop ballads, 2000+ stuff would be whatever. All good dancing music, and not 10 hours of the same stuff. Also, we were thinking if it were 12 hours we could have some indian cultural dance stuff (complete with someone demonstrating steps) and latino/irish/whatever dancing.
Would people be in to this? I thought it sounded pretty awesome. Feel free to bash, comment, suggest, whatever.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
my family is seriously the most disfunctional group of functioning human beings that have ever walked the planet. the fact that my mother acts like a hypocritical victim and my father is the alcohalic product of an abusive family should make me the biggest headcase ever. and sometimes i think i am, and that i've just gotten really good at hiding it.
i still haven't told a single soul that my dad was arrested and charged with a DUI last spring. nor have i ever mentioned that my mother is constantly refering to her death (which is always just around the corner) and the fact that she no longer loves my father. seeing the expression on his face when she says it is what hurts more than anything else.
when does this end?
Anonymous
11:07:19 PM
i was talking with some people today over who they're voting for for senior class president, and i just got really pissed off. I would say somethign like "well you should vote for so and so, because so and so.." and they'd be like "haha, well too bad StuCo doesn't actually matter, so i'm voting for so and so"
Anonymous
09:15:05 PM
I'm sorry about my behavior that night. You know, when I seem to get all tired and mopey and quiet. It's because Im in thought and traveling back in time and counting all the smiles and all the tears. But the smiles above all prevail and I really wish I could pull myself together and face everything with the sense of equanimity that you desire of me all the time. I want to be comforted without being scolded for the dramatics. Is it dramatic, though, that thoughts enter my mind at times? I can see her. The one you will charm, like so many others next year, beautiful and smart and funny. I'm proud of you. You will do well and I wish I could just muster all my faculties and give you all the support you need. But how can I do that all the time when I look at your arms and think of the girl they will hold close to you next year - a beautiful, sophisticated girl who will be a stranger to me.
I love you.
Anonymous
08:48:20 PM
so is it weird that everytime i see david kirby i gasp? well i look for him in the halls when i know he is going to be walking.. and i try so hard not to look at him but... i always do...
wow... i don't like him or KNOW him really... and he prolly doesn't no i exist but i always look i always do...
no this doesn't make me a david kirby stalker, does it?
Anonymous
03:54:03 PM
I get up early to check Tangst, in case a time zone difference caused any interesting posts to be added in the middle of the night.
Jeez I'm such a nerd.
And I don't even know any of you in real life. So I really have no idea why Tangst is so important to me.
i will say it again: NERD.
La_Corazon
08:25:33 AM
Monday, April 17, 2006
to the broader tangst audience: if you had two girls,
1. one a great friend you can communicate well with, and with whom you had a lot of chemistry in an off and on attraction sort of way. it's fun and it works well between you two.
2. and the other a girl who you've liked for what seems like a long(ish) time, and was mysterious and unattainable, but has now chosen to try and let a relationship happen. you also have a lot of chemistry with this girl, but she's sort of hard to contact and be around. she will also be gone in a couple of months.
who would you choose?
Anonymous
09:54:48 PM
This feels so cliché. You're good friends with someone, you like them forever, you watch them like other people, and they never understand the depth to which you truly care about them. Talk about tangst.
I know that it's my own stupid fault if the person I refer to never really knows how I feel. If I were to tell them, I would run the risk of them being too weirded out to continue the friendship. I value that friendship above everything else and would never want to be the cause of it ending. Plus, isn't it highly impractical to start a relationship with someone before leaving for college?
Right now, I think I’m just trying to rationalize feelings- and you really can’t do that. The shit has to hit the fan at some point. I just hope whatever happens in the end is for the best.
Anonymous
09:43:12 PM
I thought he was the perfect guy in every way. Until last night, when I found out the details about his last relationship.
The way he skipped class and blew off his best friends to see her - it's exactly what I did with my last boyfriend. The way he told her that they were "exclusive but not dating, really" - it's exactly what my last boyfriend said to me.
Is he really like my last boyfriend? No, he can't be. He can't be. My last boyfriend is and was intolerable. He corrupted me, used me, manipulated me, convinced me of doing everything that I didn't want to, even tried to suffocate me once. He stole away my religion, my purity, my morals, my good judgment. He overtook my life that year.
And people wonder why I shudder whenever I see him in the halls. I don't want ANYTHING to remind me of him.
Least of all the guy I'm in love with.
Anonymous
11:00:43 AM
The national media is completly spinning the Duke LAX rape case into a huge horrible mess...then turn it to local media and you see the same people who were attacking the case praying for the victims and accused
BTW the lax playas are INNOCENT
Iced T
10:03:05 AM
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Hi Dad,
I went up to the attic today and took down some of your old boxes that Mom told me to clean out. I had forgotten how much I'm turning out like you. You'd be so proud of me, Dad. I'm good at math and science, just like you. Remember how you used to tease me about how I was going to be the most genius girl the world has ever seen? I remember. I'm trying to make you proud, Dad. Each and every single day I think about you and try to make you proud.
I started reading some of your old Asimov books again (I had stopped for a while because they reminded me too much of you). It's so hard, Dad. I miss you so much. Remember the art you were so proud of? The art you hung in my room because it was so pretty? I wish you were still here so I could tell you all about it. Like old times, I'd tell you what I learned at school and you would act like it was the most amazing and interesting discovery you'd ever heard. I know so much more now, Dad. I've grown up so much.
But it only seems like yesterday.
Can you believe it will be four years on Friday? Four years without you. Four years ago I remember Mom sat me down and told me. I remember how she was fighting so hard to keep from crying in front of me. I remember that moment so well, Dad. I'm so sorry for the things I said that day, Dad (Sixth grade was hard!). I didn't mean them. Really. I was just so scared. The only invincible person I knew was gone. I have no protection. My stepdad is no father to me, I need you. I try to do my best each and every day to keep a smile on my face, and truthfully- not a day goes by without thinking of you. Not a single day. I've grown so much, Dad. I'm a Christian now, I hope you're okay with that. It's so hard. I'm sorry for trying to hide you from everyone, and I'm sorry for treating you like a dirty little secret; I just don't want anyone treating me differently. I'm sick of sympathy, Dad. I'm sick of having to deal with everything myself, and I'm sick of being forced to grow up too fast.
I miss you.
Tangstfully yours,
Your one and only Daughter.
Anonymous
08:39:31 PM
i fail to see why the media thinks we give a fuck about natalee holloway, especially a year later. she's just another white, middle-class girl to go missing. of course i understand why it's a big deal in aruba and in the local area where she came from, and naturally those who knew her are grieving, but there is no reason for it to be a national "problem", "issue", whatever you want to call it.
Anonymous
03:17:18 PM
I've always admired tinted, even though throughout many years we never could seem to agree on anything. Funny how when we just started to see eye-to-eye, life circumstances have changed and I never see him at all anymore. Thanks for being you, tinted. You've enlightened me to a lot of things, whether intentionally or not.
Anonymous
09:22:37 AM
Saturday, April 15, 2006
While Thinking Of a Soldier in Iraq
People say they joined the army
(and those are the ones who really
joined) for honor, or fun, or what
ever it is that they wanted but I
joined because it was the age of 19
and there I was with the bright decade
before me, the prime of my life, and what
did I have to look foward to but a couple
of years at the community college and a job
at Domino's and a couple of kids (ohyeah, and
a wife) every night and tired, down the street
from the little house my parents always owned.
they sent me a letter
dear/dearest Matthew (or, son.)
we got your last letter and we were
very happy to hear from you because
you know we are so
worried.
I would like to tell you that your
father got a promotion and lane is probably
going to go to Enloe too (even though
you never thought he would, but he will)
your grandmother is doing better she is
using some of her money--we are too
to buy you a new car and I know you cannot
wait to get it because your truck
was in
bad, bad
shape.
we pray to the
LORD
every night to keep you safe
and we know that we will see
you soon. please be safe.
love
Your Mom/Dad (mom and dad?)
I think of this letter as the
bullet enters my face (in goes
the metal and out flies the flesh)
I think of the car I will never drive
because now I am dead.
it doesn't matter anyway.
I had 40, 50, 60 years left.
and then I would be dead.
Friday, April 14, 2006
So I was shaving my legs today, and I (accidentally- don't go all nutzo on me, Rashi) sliced my ankle. I washed it off and continued shaving, but the blood kept coming. I was just sitting there, and I looked down and my foot was covered in blood.
It struck me then, how beautiful it was, the red against my white skin, and how fragile my body is. Like, just a moment of inattention, and there was blood all over the bathtub- there's a scary thought.
Jesus, I could never be a cutter.
Anonymous
11:49:34 PM
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Senior Council Campaign Updates:
Keri Judd and Reed Watson, along with the others can now Campaign. On this note let it be said that you should vote for these two canidates. That is all, for questions or concerns on their platforms or postitions on any subject feel free to "facebook" them, where they would be glad to get back to you.
Thank you and Happy Voting
Anonymous
05:08:43 PM
I can't figure it out.
I got an extension, I've had days to look over it, I'm reading the notes and the textbook and the Yahoo group messages, and I still can't figure it out. I had a math tutor with whom I did nothing for an hour on Tuesday because I hadn't looked at the Webassign yet and assumed it to be incredibly easy. Now, I'm stuck with half an assignment I can't even begin to understand.
As if being nearly the only person I know not taking Calculus or something higher wasn't enough.
Thank god. Ace didn't get kicked off American Idol. I was freaking out last night. Why did i t take so long for him to say the results?(Hypothetical question, I know.)My angst is that I always feel really bad for the other people who get kicked off. I still want Ace to win though.
Anonymous
09:55:48 AM
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
For some reason, you mean a lot more to me than anyone else. It has been so long since I knew you last, and even then, we werent best of friends. But now, i dont know what has changed. Please...dont let me down now... Give me some sign...anything to show that you know that at least i exist. I ask you from the bottom of my heart...
Anonymous
09:20:14 PM
How could I do something so FUCKING STUPID? I almost blew it completely. Why can't I just say "no" and be done with it?
If I continue on this track, it will only end in pain, your pain.
No more, I won't make the same mistake twice.
Hopefully, if I let you down gently as soon as posible, I can save our friendship.
How do I get into this situations?
Anonymous
08:17:36 PM
Damn, man... all my best friends got melted by mustard gas, the recently overthrown government of my country has been lying to its people about our military "success" on the front, the newly installed government is getting the economic crap beaten out of it by pissed-off French and English guys at Versailles, and a strategic blockade of my country on nearly all fronts means that I haven't had a decent meal in months.
I am so emo, I'm gonna go shoot some cows now. Maybe burn down a coal mine. Stupid Alsace-Lorraine.
Anonymous
04:05:26
I have a love-hate relationship with my math homework. It has taken me over two hours to complete,yet, I understand everything perfectly, and everything is right...it took for me to have geometry to realize that...I truly love algebra. Everything makes sense. I love this feeling.
Anonymous
08:38:28 AM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I just got my fucking report card
w/ my c in spanish im like dude your a retard
I dont want to show my parents b/c i will get grilled and charred
why the hell does this elective have to be so hard
My teacher makes me so freaking angry
no matter how much i use my creativity
I even try to the best of my ability
I cant help she treats me w/ such atrocity
poems are hard im much better at rapping freestyle
W/ poems you need to sit and ponder a while
I am just a white boy who likes to make people smile
so excuse me if this sux and sounds a bit juvinile
I appriciate the time you give to critique
I thank you for pointing out whats strong and whats weak
even though my poems lack in good technique
I am just trying to expand my horizons and be unique
Anonymous
09:24:29 PM
so, i'm not sure how to do this. my friend is one of the admin's for this site so i thought i'd try it out.
here goes:
hi.
my life is good. really it is. i have a good family, we make enough money to be comfortable with a few luxuries, i'm fairly intelligent, i have plenty of friends--okay, acquaintances--whom i hold near and dear.... i have years' worth of experiences that no one will ever have (living in 3 continents, visiting 5, all before the age of 12).
then why is it that i feel like my life sucks so much? it's not my life really, it's more just me. i suck at life. people can tell me all they want how much they love me, and hell, i love me, but it's not enough. i'm always ONE step behind, always a few answers shy of a good grade (alright, the grade i wanted), always a few moments behind understanding something in the nick of time to save a friendship.
is it just me?am i just crazy, dysfunctional, and doomed to be alone?
if so, i might as well give up now. cause it aint getting better.
LAME.
Anonymous
12:31:42 AM
Monday, April 10, 2006
So i went to prom with one of my good guy friends. I enjoyed myself, I suppose. When I think back to prom all I can think of how dinner was fun, but prom was not so great. All I can think about is how the guy is too tall, too country in a sense, for me. All I can think about is how this might have ruined our friendship because whenever I think about him I find myself thinking that I don't want to see him again. I think this experience made me dislike him...and start liking someone else. We were hanging out with this other couple (that had also come just as friends) and I thought about how sweet the other guy was being to the girl he was with. He was dancing with her, smiling that beautiful smile, and looking pretty good.
Anonymous
08:47:40 PM
My heart reaches out to you I want you here
I want yto hear voice so close to me so near
my heart crumbles when i think of your face
in my heart and soul youll never be replaced
your love for us kids was so sincere
ill lock it up inside me and let it never dissipear
my family and i are missing you so...
I am so very sorry it was your time to go
I will miss the very softness of your touch
and all your palls at the coffe shop will miss you very much
no matter what you always had an extra hand to lend
and to whoever you met you were a true and faithful friend
even when everything got you down
youd aslways teach me to flip my frown upside down
you always taught me where theres a will theres a way
and you showed me that by proving doctors wrong from day to day
you made a l;ot of people feel secure and safe
even when they found themselves not in the right place
to everyone you showed your upmost compassion and love
and i know your watching over me from the heavens above
you will always have a guarenteed spot in my heart
and ill love you like i did right from the very start
Anonymous
08:19:32 PM
Your total is:
I was there.
I was there with the money,
wrapped in an envelope
"for the limo", you said.
$110.06
We ate dinner, all however many of us.
$42.95
Then (there was) a welcome table. My sister was there, she took more money.
$80.00
then we danced to a hip-hop civilization
Photographs by the ornamated tables, Ionic columns, and ivy.
$20.00
The doors opened, anticipating exit.
The limo door opened, anticipating enter.
We cruised a skyline of asphalt.
$23.12 min.
Cigarette stop on Hillsborough.
You brought in two grinning bottles of vodka.
$Prom.
Fuck you and your alcohol.
Did I really flirt with him, right in front of you? How could I have been so thoughtless and stupid?!
and yet...
we're not "together". We went to prom, but I invited you as a friend. Did you expect it to bloom into something else? Did you want it to bloom it to something more?
Do I want it to be something more?
It's not that I don't care, It's just that I've been through this several times before. You're shy. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't think I can handle another shy one.
And now I feel guilty, because I feel like I've led you on.
Anonymous
06:00:14 PM
All lifes statements and thoughts should be made in theorems instead of laws,like most of math. There is always possiblity.
Many people will attack me for saying this... but religion (I'm mostly refering to Christianity) religion is a pacifer... it is the easy way out. If you have faith in a God you don't have to question and realize human limits, that we do infact have a limit to wat we can understand and what we can't.
SO the pacified in our society are considered stable and much to be desired because they have something to believe in, they know what they believe. I say that they just stop and use "GOD" as the answer for hard questions.
OK erase wat i just said... its dumb but it just seems to me that instead of treating everything we have faith in as law .. God is a theorem...
please i can't stop thinking abt wat i truly believe on this matter or wat i understand so it would be wonderful if i could have some feed back because obviously im trying to form an opinion
Anonymous
01:54:23 PM
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I hope you had fun at prom. I sincerely do. As much as I wish I could say that I wish you didn't have a wonderful time and I wish that you spent the night being emo in the corner thinking about me- I can't. I can't do it. I hope you had the most wonderful night (ok, fine, maybe one of the most wonderful nights) of your teenage life. I hope you danced (really, you better have danced or I'm gonna be mad!) and I hope you smiled.
I've spent the entire weekend figuring this out. I want you happy and that is all I want. With me or without.
You're happy = I'm happy
Anonymous
08:42:05 PM
I shouldn't feel proud. It is not me speaking to the congregation, it's only supposed to be God's word speaking through me. And if I can deliver that word loudly, clearly, and with excellent enunciation and force, all the better for the Word of God. I, the lector, am unimportant; it's the Word that should be the focus of my readings.
...but when strangers come up to me after the reading of the Passion on Palm Sunday and tell me how wonderful my voice is and how well I read, I can't help but feel the pride I shouldn't.
Anonymous
07:22:56 PM
I notice him and he doesn’t know.
(See the days passing)
I study him and he doesn’t know.
(See the weeks passing)
I admire him and he doesn’t know.
(See the months passing)
I love him and he doesn’t know.
(See the years passing)
I need him and he doesn’t know.
(Life is done)
He never knew.
Anonymous
03:35:38 PM
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
I've had so many random ego boosting moments in the last few days (a absolute stranger mouthing across a crowded room that she thought I was "hot" is just one example) that I really don't know what to do with myself. Bigheadedness is most certainly looming on the horizon, but it's nice to think for just a minute that I might actually be a non-disgusting, desireable person.
Anonymous
10:51:57 PM
my mind is a bus
my mind is a bus full of people
my mind is a bus full of people, all going to different places
my mind is a bus with a bomb in the engine
right now there is smoke blowing out the back
all the people are evacuating
not going to their destinations, just scattering away
my mind is now an empty bus
empty except for a bomb
that i think will explode any minute
...basically guys i'm freaking out...totally stressed out to the point of insanity...which is why i am coming up with angsty metaphor crap...
forgive me.
La_Corazon
12:18:02 PM
Thursday, April 06, 2006
As a general notification, not in campaigning, Keri Judd and Reed Watson invite you to support their nominations to be considered on the ballot as Senior Class President and Vice President by signing their respective petitions. Both would appriciate your support on their journey to student government success. Thank you and Good Day!
Anonymous
09:56:28 PM
Hey Rashi-
In that post about the deflated balloon of niceness, you talked about the two kinds of people that you generally are mean to. I agree that jerks are annoying and detrimental to the site, but I respectfully disagree with your statement that
"An example of this is the recent posts that say something along the lines of 'I like this girl, but she doesn't like me.' [...] All it does is waste space on the main page, where something really juicy could be placed. As such, I am likely to, in these topics, post something that I consider at the time to be witty and intentionally lacking any real constructive value - after all, if the OP does not extend that courtesy, why should I?"
Nobody used to care about that- Way back in December, the guy I liked publicly humiliated me. I was mortified, but I kept going, and that evening, I posted about it on tangst.
I'm sorry if this has been posted about way too much, but it had to be said. If we can't 'whine' here, where can we go?
Anonymous
06:46:37 PM
1000th Post
For the 1000th post, we're going with DocA's suggestion that we take questions from you, the general Tangst populace and answer them. The list of questions will be locked in as the 1000th post to spread the glory amongst as many as possible. Answers will be located on the Tangst blog - each admin will get their own post and I'll put up links to the individual posts. So if you don't care what my answers are, you don't have to read them; if you only want to read NanoTy's responses, they're clearly accessible and you aren't bogged down with Rashi's sarcasm, etc.
All questions should be submitted to this post as a comment. If the question is to a specific admin, let us know, otherwise all the admins will be free to answer the question. Generally, all the questions will be answered, unless they're too prying/weird/stalkerish. It'll be left up to each admin whether or not they want to answer the questions posed to them. There is no limit to how many questions can be asked.
Note: Sithgirl, PChis, SwalesT'shooth, 龙年, thewordofrashi, JagMax, DoctorAnonymous, Nanotyrannus, Hannah, and knight_racer have already started answering the questions.
I'm not supposed to love her.
I've told everyone that I've moved on, that I'm just a friend now. I took down the photographs, deleted the files... and for a while I actually thought I had forgotten her.
But four days ago, I was only twenty miles away from her. Somehow, knowing this triggered a relapse of the most potent kind. I realized I still love her, no matter what I try to trick myself into believing.
Anonymous
08:30:10 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I like plenty of people, but for a reason about which I have no idea, as soon as they give the slightest sign of liking me back, I shut down completely and start avoiding them. I begin seeing all the bad things about them and why I shouldn't like them. At that point, I couldn't sink myself to their level to date them.
Why! Why do I do it!
I must be insane.
I told a friend in Virginia about my problem, and he called me a masochist.
I guess I'm an involuntary masochist.
Anonymous
10:01:53 PM
Wow. I just realized how pointless my life would be without music. I'm talking about the stuff we do in school somewhat, but more about the real band music, like rock and funk and ska and wierd stuff like Blue Man Group. It's so great, I really don't know what I would do with my life if it didn't exist. Right now, I'm trying really hard to get a successful band going.
Anonymous
09:55:49 PM
A maiden wept and, as a comforter,
Came one who cried, "I love thee," and he seized
Her in his arms and kissed her with hot breath,
That dried the tears upon her flaming cheeks.
While evermore his boldly blazing eyeBurned into hers; but she uncomforted
Shrank from his arms and only wept the more.
Then one came and gazed mutely in her face
With wide and wistful eyes; but still aloof
He held himself; as with a reverent fear,
As one who knows some sacred presence nigh.
And as she wept he mingled tear with tear,
That cheered her soul like dew a dusty flower,
-Until she smiled, approached, and touched his hand!
-Dunbar
we like it.
Anonymous
05:18:27 PM
Right now, I know that after I finish this post, I will get up from my computer, walk down the hall to my bathroom, and close the door behind me. I will bare my skin under the harsh glow of the flourescent lights and run the water in the bathtub so no one will hear me. Slowly, methodically, I will drag my razor across my flesh, over and over, feeling nothing, until the blood beads up red and runs down the drain in little rivulets--
--and then I'll go "damn, I need to replace the blade in this thing," wash off the nick, and continue shaving my legs.
Anonymous
04:59:52 PM
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
there is a growing problem with tangst, one which i feel must be adressed.
there was a post earlyer today regarding the posting style of thewordofrashi, specificly it's likeness to a shriveled baloon. i made a joking comment aimed at rashi (who i know, calm down) that i realize now could be easily seen as malicious.
tangst has taken a disturbing turn away from the emoey, free-expression and advice site it once was. it is now innundated with putdowns, hatered, and obsessions with contributors.
i know many of the comments are in jest, as all of my (possibly) mean-seeming ones are, but an ever increasing number are not.
the best example of tangst's drifting away from it's original purpose is the recent dealings with the new contributor "alli somethingicantremember." many people seem to dislike this person, simply because they posted too many things too close together. while yes, they could have clumped them together, it was still one of the few attempts recently to return tangst to it's origins. it was genuine teen angst, not some bullshit about how you happen to not like pchis as much anymore.
i offer up one solution, and if you don't like it i don't care. im not sure if it is "possible", but whatever. one way i feel to reverse the direction the site (i don't even want to call this "tangst" anymore) is going, is to do away with "contributors" all together. At the very least, links to profiles on the main site can be deleted. at best, we can do away with the blogger display names altogether, and make every post and comment anonymous. this will keep us from easily picking out an individual to hate, or worship, as some posts lean twords. this will return the site to it's roots of anonimity and teenage angst.
to get the ball rolling, i will in every furure post refrain from using my blogger name in posts, and i hope you will all join me.
any effort to get tangst back would be fantastic, and all of you who will undoubtably attack the ideas presented in this post can go get your own site, because you aren't welcome on tangst anymore.
and to those of you who are confused and may take this wrong: you know exactly what i mean.
thank you for your time.
sd
09:09:23 PM
Rashi, you've become so mean lately. I mean, if everyone had a balloon of niceness that was full when people were nice and deflated when people were mean yours would be one of those several day old balloons that still has air in it but is all wrinkley and on the ground. I guess I should be less mean too.
:(
01:56:32 AM
Monday, April 03, 2006
Rantings of an Unstable High School Mind
I think it is really funny that the "Team Member" lists for Tangst, the Official Tangst Blog, and Et Cetera are basically all the same people.
Yeah guys, I'm really bored and I want to go back to the beach tomorrow instead of to Bell's class.
Actually, I'd rather go anywhere tomorrow instead of Bell's class, but sich is the tragedy of Creation.
But I am rather excited, because Tuesday means prom is closer than it was yesterday. Hooray for the occasional lifting of the bleak life view shared by so many full-time students.
Alas, Babylon, why hast thou forsaken me? What evils hast I committed to be thrust into such an unhappy state of affairs?
procrastination sucks. i have 3 projects, 2 other assignments, and half of The Odyssey to annotate. and 2 days to do it all. bleh.
oh, by the way guys, hi. i've been a long-time tangst addict but i just recently got a blogger account in order to be identifiable. i've posted several blog entries (one which you might remember is "the weird nooodle poem") and innumerable comments. so that's my little shpiel.
so....hi >.<
La_Corazon
12:51:52 PM
i can feel myself falling in love with him...
i can't tell if he really is interested or if he just loves to flirt, but neither of us are doing anything to stop it.
and he has a girlfriend.
and he is completely and utterly not my type or anything of the sort.
and i could care less and right now i want nothing more than to have him holding me.
Anonymous
12:08:42 AM
Sunday, April 02, 2006
I don't know how to help her. I don't know if I'll get the chance.....
I never wanted to hurt her, but I am who I am....and who that is seems outcast.
I'm crying for myself, and all others who lost someone for their beleifs...
I am a witch, for better or worse.
Goddess bless you all.
Anonymous
07:02:05 PM
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72373374375376377378379380381382383384385386387388389390391
39239339439539639739839940040140240340440540640740840941041
14124134144154164174184194204214224234244254264274284294304
31432433434435436437438439440441442443444445446447448449450
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04714724734744754764774784794804814824834844854864874884894
90491492493494495496497498499500
yeah? well, i was so bored i actually read all of the numbers to make sure you had gotten all of them and not cheated.
Anonymous
06:05:12 PM
Saturday, April 01, 2006
To whichever admin sees this first:
You do not need to post this on the main page if you don't want. But for the love of all that is holy, you have got to change this background. It is the most obnoxious, psychedelic POS I have ever seen.
thewordofrashi
06:48:48 AM
I love the way that I sometimes forget to go to sleep because I'm thinking about you. I love the way my heart starts to breakdance whenever I even hear your name. I love the way the connection of my brain and my mouth gets destroyed whenever I try to talk around you. I love the way that I will, on occasion, zone out of whatever I'm doing and sit there with a completely ludicrous look on my face and just daydream about you. I love how my face does its best impersonation of a fire truck whenever you're around, and I love how each and every single thing you do brings this uncontrollable smile to my face.
Hormones are the shit.
Anonymous
02:31:08 AM
Does anybody out there know the date? It's 1 April, kiddies, and in my book that means that this is a day of stupid fun and revelry. Joke-playing. Prank-making.
So what do you find? Early, early in the morning of 1 April, Tangst undergoes a change - technicolor! Of course, the teenage angst website goes from black and aptly depressing to bright rainbow colors of joy and love.
I think it's hilarious. Maybe you're just confused.
Anonymous
12:51:16 AM
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