I may have just sent her to her death... so why don't I feel guilty?
Anonymous
10:12:06 PM
Post anything that you want - a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Post twice if you'd like. And then share the site with your friends.
12 comments:
God, you made me really, really curious. Explain, Please? Please?
This post does indeed need a follow-up explanation.
Are you actually saying that you may have literally put someone's life in danger? If not, please post and reassure us (or me at least).
But it may be that, like one of my friends, you have something in your brain that restricts some emotions.
Not really sure how it works, I'd have to ask him.
It doesn't need anything. They don't have to post more if they don't want to.
I did not mean that the original poster had to post any additional info. I shoud have siad that I truly hoped the poster would include a follow-up.
My appologies.
Heh, well they don't have to post, but for good responses, it does need an explanation.
I didn't really want to explain, just because I didn't want anyone to find out who I am or who she is, but I suppose I ought to.
Her life was already in danger, it had always been. I was her personal Hopeline, if you will-- nearly every night on AIM, I was up till midnight or one endlessly pouring out the same things over and over: convincing her that life was worth living, that cutting doesn't solve anything, that she's not the piece of slime she thought she was. It ran me ragged.
The worst thing is, I'm not a trained Hopeline volunteer. I couldn't help her, even though she kept saying that there were nights she could never have made it through without me. If I were truly able to help her, I would have been able to stop her stupid, senseless path of self-destruction. Instead, I began to believe everything she said about how shitty her life was and how terrible people treated her and how nobody understands her. I got to thinking the way she thought. And it occured to me that maybe, for her, suicide was just the best choice.
She always told me how much our relationship meant to her. She thought of me as her closest friend. I couldn't return the feelings, when our relationship consisted of almost nothing but me wrestling pills or razors out of her hand. I couldn't stand it, and I couldn't tell her, either, or else she'd kill herself.
So, last night, she was having a bad night. I could tell. She used the "you need to do your homework and sleep, go sign off" method that she'd tried to use before. She uses it to attempt to get me off AIM so I can't keep typing things at her to weaken her resolve and leave her still feeling awful and conflicted but not brave enough to actually do anything about it. I'd never signed off before, not before I'd made sure she was okay for the night... but last night, I'd just had enough of it. It was the same thing every time, and it wasn't my job to coddle her whenever she felt depressed.
I signed off.
Since then, I haven't heard from her. I don't know if this entry is rightly written in the past tense or if she really didn't have the guts to do it, but the worst thing is, if it turned out that she were dead, I don't think I'd feel all that sad.
I'm starting to see why they chose "Relief" for the winners' circle.
I don't mean to criticize you or lay blame around for anything that has or will happen, but I do wish to ask one question.
You obviously were aware of what was going on and you knew you were not capable of fully dealing with the problem. Why not report the situation to someone who is trained to help people like that?
Again, no offense to you. Just a question.
Granted I've never had such an extreme case, but I know the frustration from constant bombardment of someone's problems that just won't go away no matter what you do, and I'd say there probably isn't somehting wrong with you. After a while you just shut it off.
He's right. You get jaded.
You obviously were aware of what was going on and you knew you were not capable of fully dealing with the problem. Why not report the situation to someone who is trained to help people like that?
Because she told me not to.
That makes sense, I guess.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Never lose sight of that.
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